Going to try again

[Lilye]

Hi there everyone,

Its the morning here and I HAVE to HAVE to not binge or purge today. It will b just brilliant if I can get through the day, I need to break the cycle.

Good Luck to everyone :rainbow

[sheseido_red]

Just wanted to say good luck! You can do it!!

[parksoojin]

Lilye, hey how are you doing?

I'm glad you are still posting here, I know you were upset a few posts ago. How is the day going?

I don't know if this will help you but it helped me. I went from saying "oh, I'm going to have a b/p free week" down to "b/p free day" then had to whittle it down further to just "I'm going to try and make it work this morning without stopping at a shop".

My point, is that you can make the bites as small as you can handle. It really worked for me recently, it means your goal is more easily attainable, you have still done something good and there is less room for feeling crappy about it. If you end up doing a day, then all the better!!!

What do you think?

Be in touch xxxxxx

[nellyelly]

Hi ((Lilye))

What ((parsoojin)) suggested is a really good idea!! The thought of setting myself a weeks ling goals is really scary so if you break it down into smaller steps, they seems much more attainable!! Don’t look towards the end of the day, just say to yourself “I am not going to binge this morning” and then give yourself a pat on the back for not b/p in the morning. The set yourself another little goal like “I am gona have a healthy lunch and I’m not gona b/p this afternoon!” etc…

Just take baby steps…and let us know how you get on sweetie:bounce :yay :cute

Take care…you can do it:gimmehug :lubdub

[Lilye]

Thanks a million for your support Parsoojin, Nellyelly and Sheseido-red, that was brilliant advice about not setting goals too big. :idea At the beginning of this week I made this goal that I would never B&P again and of course i failed. it was too much. since reading Parsoojin's post I'm going to keep my goals really small, the morning is over here and I haven't B&P, HURRAY!!! :supergrin Now going to try for the afternoon.

Thanks a million for being there everyone :hairy

[nellyelly]

WELL DONE!!!:yay
Let us know how you do in the afternoon!!! We are rooting for you... You can do it :bounce

[Lilye]

:ugh

Have managed to hold out the whole day without B&P and am delighted but the craving is getting very strong now and I'm starting to forget why I want recovery. Its like the bulimia works and works on me until I give in :wacky I really dont want to give in:kaosnope

[parksoojin]

Cool, Lilye, a day done. That is a massive achievement. Just remember that if you slip up you know you can do it. You have done it before. Keep hold of the 'delight' that you felt.

Recovery: because, its expensive, it hurts in evey sense, why should something else control me? I am the boss of me!! There are way cooler and fun things to do with my time.... anymore? These are just a few of my reasons, (there are other more complex ones.)

I'm thinking of you xxxx

[Lilye]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your support, its morning again here, I b&P late last night :cry Pretty disappointed and feel like I have let you guys down. But on the bright side I lasted all day which I haven't done in a long time, and I only did it once last nite (usually wen I get started I can't stop and do it about three times in a row).

I want to make the goal not to do it this morning, thing is I'm craving big time and have some binge food left over from last nite :ugh Its in the bin but (this is disgusting) I have been known to take things back out of the rubbish to eat (Probably gone and horrified ye all now).

It was so BRILLIANT all day yesterday not doing any ED behaviours. I sat outside, got loads of chores and thinking done, spent time with my dog, even tidied out my room!!! I did things I actually enjoy doing!!!:hairy

Anyway, thanks everyone for being there

[nellyelly]

Ohh hun:sad I know how easy it is to let a b/p disappoint us to the point where we don’t even remember the good work we have done!! You did really well all day yesterday – just think about it. Its something you haven’t done in such a long time, so that in itself is a massive achievement!

You just need to :challenge . yourself this morning. Take a step back and look at the situation objectively. Think how many good things you got done yesterday!!! You actually enjoyed doing them simply because you were free from ED behaviours – how did that feel?!?! I know the feeling and it’s AWESOME! :bounce

Its just past ten (am) here and I am also struggling to make it to lunch time B/free, let’s do it together:challenge
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[Lilye]

thanks Nellyelly, its great to have your support :cheesy , GOOD LUCK there, I hope you can make it till lunch,

Lily

[Lilye]

Hi there,

Hope you are getting on okay Nellyelly and anyone else who is struggling with B&P today. I had good lunch but am craving now, its like if I eat I want to just keep on going. Think I'm going to work on a coping box for a distraction,

thanks everyone for being there, this site really helps, so good to know I'm not alone and that there are others out there working on recovery too

[parksoojin]

Lilye

How are you doing honey? Well done, you went for a long time without B/ping, that is fantastic. I know how you are feeling. The one binge you did does not negate the three bnges you missed!! I have to remember that although I am still purging once or twice a day, at leat it isn't five times a day like it was.

When I feel crappy, I try to log on here, instead of eat.

Let us know how you are doing really soon.

PS I've eaten stuff out of the bin loads of times. My T told me that is is because I don't think I deserve anything better, made sense to me!! This ED makes us all do things we would otherwise see as unthinkable. Don'y worry, you couldn't horrify us, promise:supergrin .

[Lilye]

Hi there everyone,

thanks for your post Parksoojin, you are rite, any little movement towards recovery is a plus ITS PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. I am craving big time here this morning, I just logged off there to go binge but I've logged on again because I REALLY don't want to do it. I REALLY DONT WANT TO DO IT.

Good luck there everyone :love

[schnelle]

good job for fighting it lilye. how has your day been?

[leadinglady]

Lilye :funky

Every step you make, no matter how big or small, is a step. If you normally b/p three times a day, and go to two times a day...that's a step. Reaching out for support is a step. In recovery there's a phrase that goes: "Two steps forward, one step back". Sometimes it's three steps forward, three steps back. We just keep trying! :happy

Honey, you're not "letting anyone down" if you b/p. You're struggling, and we all know the struggle very well. Let the :bowl encourage you, and just keep posting. It "takes" as long as it "takes". Do you have anyone is "real time" who could call you? I used to have friends call me about seven in the evening, just to give me a "boost" and hold me accountable. They did not judge me if I slipped....my rule! None of them understood my bulimia, but they wanted to help. Would that work for you?

Keep posting!

~leadinglady~

:butterfly :butterfly :butterfly :butterfly :butterfly

[nellyelly]

((Lilye)) Do not beat yourself up. You are doing really well. One b/p in the evening does not undermine all the good work you had previously done. You did something that you had never done which was stay b/p free for a while morning and afternoon. How are you doing today hun?? I messed up on Saturday and I felt so ashamed after I had told you to hang in there and that we could do it together. I just felt like I had let you and all the other fishies down:cry

((Leadinglady)) I really like how your friends helped you. Its awesome how normal people who may not understand the ED still want to help. I wish I also had someone who did that for me. The very few people who know about my ED feel disgusted by it and try to distance themselves form me as much as possible. Because of this I have had to pretend I am now fine so I don’t feel ashamed around them:cry

[parksoojin]

Nellyelly.... it maks me so cross that people are disgusted by your ED, honestly, do they have a clue at all.

Nobady is letting anyone daown guys, we are in this together, we all have ups and downs and the fact that they are not sychronized means we can help each other all the more.

Liyle, fantastic on logging back on rather than bingeing, I try to do that too and it has worked many times.

Keep going, keep venting, keep typing.

Lots of love xxxx

Hello Leadinglady:cool

[Lilye]

Hi everyone,

Was nervous about logging in today because I B&P:bounce yesterday afternoon. But I am SOOOO glad I did.

Nellyelly-YOU HAVE LET NO ONE DOWN!!!
im so glad you wrote that because i was feeling the same, that I had let you and everyone else down cause I binged !!! its crazy :wacky , we are all doing our best, and we all know what its like to live with this problem, like Paeksoojin said we all have our ups and downs- ITS PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!!:yay

Parksoonjin and LeadingLady- ye are so right, every step towards recovery, no matter how small is a step in the right direction:bounce Why are we so hard on ourselves??? even logging on here we are all doing something positive :bowtie

Its a brand new day here, and I am feeling positive, my parents are home and I spoke to them briefly about what I wrote in a different thread, its already "pm and I haven't binged or vomited WOOOHOOOO!!!! :supergrin

Thanks a mill for your support Schnelle, Parksoonjin, LeadingLady and Nellyelly and wishing you all the best of luck for your day :love :stars :love

[leadinglady]

Hi Lily :funky

I just read some of your other posts about your bulimia. I understand very much about how food is the only thing you look forward to. I was that way for years and years. On one of my last "slips", just KNOWING I was going to binge brought me immediate "calm". I don't feel that desperate now. Recovering can take years, because there's so much more than the "behavior".

I want to tell you this...the first few days are the worse. You might feel like you want to 'climb the walls'...SCREAM. It gets better. I can tell you that it's MUCH easier for me now. I have almost five months of recovery for my bulimia. Last week was hard...had to "white knuckle" a few days...but then, I'm just recently starting again. Lily, I thought I was going to die from the purging. It puts an incredible amount of pressure in the head. You already know this. So, time to start recovery. Eventually, you will be in awe of how much progress you have made...this will take TIME...so be patient!

~leadinglady~

[schnelle]

lily-how was your day?
leadinglady-your post if very encouraging as i have beeen in such a long binge rut i am having a hard time believeing i will stop.
you hit my spot when u talked of fighting it. that is where i go wrong. i can go all day then get a craving and dont even try to stop it. i just give in and b/p. time to REALLY work it.
congrats..

[parksoojin]

Leadinglady congratulations on your recovery progress, you are an inspiration. You are totaly right about the first few days, I wanted to tear my hair out, it just gets easier even though some days it sneaks up on me an I feel weak.

I'm feeling a bit rocky today but I am typing instead of the other thing!!! GGGRRRRRRR.

Let me know how you are all doing today. Bye guys xxxxxxxxxxxx

[nellyelly]

Hi ((Lilye)) How are you doing today?? I am also still working on breaking my day down into three parts (breakfast/ lunch/ dinner). Taking little steps like this makes it much more achievable and I can give myself a pat on the back every time I get through one of them without bingeing.

((leadinglady)) I read a few of your posts (I try to read a lot of them because you as well as a few other fishies are always such an inspiration to me) where you talked about “white knuckling” your ED down a couple of weeks ago!! That really made me think about the bumps in recovery but that we can make it if we try hard enough!! I too feel like climbing up the walls and screaming all the time when I can’t keep all those feelings inside me but I want recover so badly that I prefer to put up with such feelings of frustration that the ED itself!!! The only problem is when I loose the vision of what I’m fighting for and succumb.

((schnelle)) How have you been hun? I haven’t seen you around in a few days. I wish I could physically go there and pull you out of the binge rut but I can’t. No one can. We all need to do that ourselves! Can you pinpoint the reason why you are giving into binges without a fight? I normally do that when I have something else to deal with which I can’t face, so I just hide myself behind b/p.

((parsoojin)) I was so caught in ranting in the other post that I didn’t even ask how you were doing! Why are you feeling rocky today?? Is it because of the anorexic thoughts creeping in to your head now that you are doing so well on your MP?

[leadinglady]

Hi Lily, :funky

I just reread this thread, and was wondering how you are doing. Don't give up!

parksoojin, schnelle, and nellyelly...I hope that you are having some good days also.

I was reading in the book, Bulimia, A Guide to Recovery, tonight. This is hard work, folks. I think we all wish we had the "magic wand" to wave around and cure ourselves and everyone else. All of you, please have a PLAN. There are many "coping" strategies here on this website...be "pro-active" and write down some things you can do. Buy some gum...I think I keep the gum industry in business!!! (sugarless...easier on the teeth). And remember, the first days are the hardest...maybe first weeks. Anyway, just wanted you all to know I'm thinking about you. :rainbow

~leadinglady~

:flower :flower :flower :flower :flower

[schnelle]

hey fishies. i started a new thread as to my mess of a day today.
nelly-i know i am in a rut for loneliness, anxiety, bordem, feeling like i have no purpose, no idea what to do in llife, just got diagnosed w cervical cancer=depression. just overwhelmed with life period and alone in my misery.

[parksoojin]

Shit Schnelle, I am so sorry. Goodness, that is awful. I send my love and healing thoughts to you. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[nellyelly]

((Schnelle)) Ohh hun. I don’t know what to say. You had told me about this is the other post. Are you seeing a psychiatrist/ psychologist? (They should be able to provide one free of charge at the hospital you were diagnosed).
At times like these you need to take care of your mind as well as your body!! Maybe they could help with the feelings of being lost and not knowing how to cope as well as the depression. You shouldn’t try to tackle these feelings by yourself because they are powerfully overwhelming. You are never alone, you just need someone/ something to guide you through this period – they may not make it better but they will guide you through to a brighter side.

Sending you loads of :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

Nellyelly
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:bug :bug :bug :bug

[schnelle]

thanks fishies. i am here floating but not up for posting. ur msgs. do help me though wanted u to know i am here and appreciate ur support.

[parksoojin]

That's cool Schnelle, just do what's best for you . We are here if you need us.:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[nellyelly]

You just post whenever you feel up to it sweetie!!! Keep swimming around and we’ll be here when you need support.:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :lubdub

Nellyelly
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:bug :bug :bug :bug

[schnelle]

you all rock. i have picked myself up finally. no b/p yesterday and determined to fight as i continue to search for a t. i cant quit because of that.l after hitting rock bottom-i think- w the news of my cancer, disaster at first t session, i wrote about in another thread-first time in mths i didnt give into b/ping .

so i been doin alot of work myself and wrote a letter to my parents i posted in relatipnships board if any of you want to read it. tells alot bout my history. in hopes to put it behind us.
I'm determined to beat this and gonna keep searching for a t but taking it one day at a time and fighting for freedom.
enough of me-how are u all doing? nelly i read of your success in another thread. good job hun. keep fighting..one day at a time

[nellyelly]

Ohh hun. I am so happy for you:gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug :lubdub . It is amazing that you have picked yourself up amidst all this:touched. It takes a lot of strength and determination to fight what you are feeling at the moment and YOU are doing it!!!

Your determination in searching for a T is truly inspiring. I won’t give up the first time my Doctor says he might not refer me – I am gona pester him so much now!!! Thanks:touched

Take care sweetie and stay strong:cute :gimmehug :cute :gimmehug

Nellyelly
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:bug :bug :bug :bug

[Lilye]

Hi Everyone :love

Haven't posted here for a little while but logged back on tonight. I haven't binged or purged since Tuesday morning!!!!:bounce :bounce :bounce Thats the best I've done in a looong time. Was a little scared to come here and say it incase the minute i said I'd stopped it would come back.

Thank you all ((Nellyelly, Schnelle, LeadingLady and Parksoojin)) for your support.

Schnelle- I just read down through the thread and I am so sorry to hear about the cancer. How are you this evening?how was your day?CONGRATULATIONS on not B&P yesterday :gimmehug :bowtie :gimmehug

Nellyelly-how are you getting on? "Taking little steps like this makes it much more achievable" this is brilliant advice, its so true, I'm trying not to think ahead to far, I have vague plans about the next few days but I haven't said I'll never binge or vomit again like I used to say--i think this just creates such fear about facing 'forever' without my crutch it sends me straight back into bingeing again.

What you said about loosing "the vision of what I’m fighting for and succumb" really hit home with me. This has happened so much in the past, I am so determined to recover and have a million reasons why and then suddenly I forget it all, my thinking goes all wonky, can't remember what the big deal is, sure once more, thats all.....
I think a good way to prepare in case this happens is to have a list written out of the reasons for recovery so when can't think clearly can just take it out. Another thing to try would be saying to yourself "okay, I will binge, but not right now, if I still want to binge after I colour in this..or log onto the internet.. or walk the dog.. then I'll let myself, but not till then." Sometimes if I give myself some space and not immediately answer the craving it eases off abit and after a while I can remember why I dont want to do it again.

Leading Lady-how are you doing? thanks for your post about the "first few days are the worse. You might feel like you want to 'climb the walls'...Eventually, you will be in awe of how much progress you have made". Like Schnelle said, this is so inspirational and gives me hope. I think at the moment I am withdrawing abit but I know if I hold out things should get better.

Lily

[leadinglady]

Hi Lilye and everyone! :happy

I'm glad my words helped you a bit. I just know that this "recovery" business is hard work. I had a T session today, and in spite of seven weeks of no b/p (and soon to start month #five...had a few slips at first), she said that I'm "still vulverable". I know that. I went to a support group last night, and was "triggered", and I got "triggered" in my T session today. I teased my therapist and said, "Well, I suppose half of your clients go out and binge and purge after a session...right?" She said, "Yes". And, she was once bulimic and slipped out of an ANAD meeting (a national eating disorder organization) to binge. She's now fully recovered. So, just keep taking those "steps". I had to figure out what to do when I'm triggered too. I need to keep some healthy "munchies" in my car and water. I still think about food a lot...so I also have some "affirmations" in my head that help me from "giving in". You just do whatever it takes...and it will be different for everyone. The great thing about my T appointment...she said that a year from now, I will see things so differently. It was a good reminder. I had over a year of recovery before...it's amazing when you reach that point. So just keeping coming back, get support from "wherever". Figure out what you need, and then try to find a way to meet that need. Good luck to you!!! :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

~leadinglady~

:sfishy

[schnelle]

thank you nelly and all of you for the support. i know i am strong. i refuse to lose to this damn ed. it has tried to kill me for yrs and yes has done tons of damage but in the end i will win. i did good all day. had a lil binge tonight. just was actually hungry and overate but not letting it turn into a disaster and getting on here instead of continuing the insanity.
i got on a waiting list for t today but still searching. i set an appt w meds dr in **** weeks. at least i can get some meds to help w my urges/anxiety and depresion. next tues i go back to cancer dr. ugh. already worrying.
well have a great night fishies and i will check in tomorrow. never give up

[nellyelly]

((Lilye)) I’m so glad you haven’t b/p since Tuesday morning. See…I knew you could do it!!! How do you feel now?? I know it feels so liberating when we have kicked the ED in the ass and not let it win:yay .Always remember that even if you take a step back, you keep fighting to take two steps forward. Do not get discouraged by a little slip – we all have slips. The real achievement is getting back up.

((schnelle)) Just one more thought. It seems that most of the times you binges (read in other posts) are actually because you are hungry. How about never letting yourself get to that hunger point?? If you are out, always carry healthy snacks with you. Set aside a bunch of “safe” foods which you can just eat as soon as you get a tad hungry, etc. Do you think this would prevent some of your binges?
I am also currently searching for a T. I have a doc’s appointment in a couple of weeks and I will ask him to refer me. I’m quite nervous ‘cos I haven’t seen him since the first time he referred me (five years ago), he even thinks I’m “recovered”:ohboy :ugh

((leadinglady)) Do you think T’s who have had an ED in the past and are now recovered are much better in understanding our thoughts and behaviours than a T who has never had an ED? I guess I’m just asking because normally its hard to know what someone is going through unless you walk a mile in their shoes.
Quote: You just do whatever it takes...and it will be different for everyone. – I hope I can find what works for me as well. I don’t have a T yet but am currently searching. Sometimes I get so scared that not even a T will be able to help me!:scared I also want to see things differently after I have got rid of ED – once I had no behaviours for six months (although I wasn’t recovered) and it felt so good to just “be”!

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug to you all.

Nellyelly
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[Lilye]

Hi everyone,

:trigger

Have just forced myself to log back on instead of bingeing. am pretty rocky. know I'll be in the house on my own and when an opportunity presents itself I find it very hard to say no.

I know i'll so regret it if I binge and purge, it wont make things better, why does my mind tell me it will? :mad I suppose its the soothing, comfort, numbing aspect of food I want right now. Thing is, this might last while I keep eating but come time to purge and afterwards, il be in bits ITS SO NOT WORTH IT. My mind is telling me all sorts of lies, like
just this once

you'll feel so much better
just to get you over this hump, this bad mood
pass the day in oblivion, sure it wont do any harm.
i'll be good tomorrow
i can't not take this opportunity, another one might not come.
il end up bingeing anyway so i may as well give in.
you have no choice, you have to binge.

ALL LIES!!!
I'm not sure what to do with myself, I could go visit a friend but it involves a train journey and im in terrible form, i can't burden her with my bad mood. It feels like the only option is too binge, that I won be able to cope other wise-but I will. there is plenty other things to do-log on here, do some sewing, tidy my room, phone someone, do some writing, colouring, maybe go get that train. Its so hard to choose the right thing, isnt it?!

[nellyelly]

((Lilye)) Hand in there hun!!! What good would it achieve if you binged today? NOTHING!! It would only make you feel miserable for the rest of the night and make you feel even worse tomorrow morning!

You wrote a long list of things that the ED voice is saying to you. How about writing a list of what the rational “good” voice is saying to you?!?!:challenge

Quote: Its so hard to choose the right thing, isnt it?! – There is no right or wrong, there is only what makes you feel good about yourself. If choosing causes too much anxiety, write them all out on a bits of paper and stick them inside a hat. Them close your eyes and pick one. Whatever you get, make a commitment to do it!!

Stay strong hun!:gimmehug

Nellyelly
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[Lilye]

Hi everyone,

thanks for your post Nellyelly, you were right, b&P only makes me feel miserable, and miserable I am right now. I'm having a rotten day. I B&P yesterday, went to get the train to friends,missed it and used this as the perfect excuse to do my old E.D routine. I was scared too, my emotions were flying all over the place. Woke up this morning and did it again, know we can't write about it here but lets say I really felt the consequences of forcing myself to vomit yet again, my body is giving up-i dont know if iv ever felt so ill as today. Just B&P again and am feeling pretty down and hopeless, I am such a f*** up. Things were going well and I just go and ruin it.

Not sure if I can pick myself up again and not only did the B&P make me feel much much worse than I already did, it has not satisfied the craving AT ALL. infact im craving even worse now and so worried about the calories Icve digested and all that crap. Sorry this is so negative. I cant believe that I am making my body this sick, and I know its sick and yet I keep on going. I dont know why i did it again this evening, i no how ill i feel is a message from my body to stop, but I keep going. My parents came home just as I had finished purging and I had to tear around the house trying to clean up my mess before they came in. when they walked in the front door I was standing in the kitchen red faced and panting, I'm sure it was so obvious, but we all said nothing.

I know I hav to pick myself up again, I have to keep trying because it is possible to stop. Perhaps I can somehow salvage the evening by at least not B&p again tonight. I have food in my room shouting at me to be eaten. I dont know why i find food so hard to throw out, but I have to throw it out, sure it ends up wasted anyway. Please give me strength fishys, thanks so much for being here, at least I know ye know what living this life is like

:ugh

[leadinglady]

Lilye

Well, Sweetie, you have created quite a "stir" here with this thread of yours. Seems like there are a lot of "fishies" who are trying to give you a "boost"...including me. :bowtie

Okay, first of all, you will feel better if you binge...until the binge is over...then you feel like "crap", defeated, in physical distress, embarrased, scared, depressed, isolated, lonely, ...does any of that sound familiar? Write that on a piece of paper and look at it frequently...even when you're not tempted. I miss binging right now. There is nothing more that would bring me such comfort as settling down with my favorite binge "food", enjoying every bite, letting my mind drift into "oblivion"...and then, WHAT?...I have to throw it all up! And purging for you is absolute HELL....and it was for me as well! I remember last fall when I was trying to purge, that I got my notebook and started journaling. I couldn't purge...was crying, drawing pictures of "me", with big tears coming down my face. I did this so I would not forget!!! I wanted to remember the Hell; hoping that it would help me in the future. It did. I also got to the place where the food did not relieve the stress...that's when I knew that my bulimia was no longer serving the "purpose" it once did...it was time to stop...actually "way past" time.

Lilye, eating disorders are epidemic. And you need to be "one who recovers". Do not apologize for your weakness...we all have them. That's what this forum is all about. We hate ourselves when we "give in", but everyone here has "given in" before...and we understand the struggle...the torture. Binging is NOT your only option. You talk about "lies"...so why don't you take a piece of paper and start "arguing" with the lies by using some "rational" thinking instead?

LIES: I HAVE to binge. I'm so distressed and I can't think of anything else to do.
RATIONAL THOUGHT: I WANT to binge...the food is "calling out to me", but I don't HAVE to. I will find something else to replace the binge, even it it means I go "online" for the next hour and ask for support.

It appears to me that you have no "real time" support. Do you? You need it...BIG TIME. How can you get some support? Who knows about your bulimia? If you keep this a "secret", it will be so much harder on you. :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

~leadinglady~

[leadinglady]

:hugon nellyelly :hugoff

Yes, I believe that T's who've experienced an ED will understand our struggle better than one who hasn't. However, that's true for every "disorder" or addiction. There are many "former" alcoholics who have become alcohol counselors because they know "alcoholism" so well, and want to help others by using their own experience. But even if a T has had an ED, that doesn't necessarily mean it will be a "perfect fit". One's personality, degree of suffering, emotional "baggage", abuse issues, etc., make everyone unique. You need to feel "comfortable" with your therapist. However, I believe that if you're going to see a T, it's imperative that he/she has some knowledge of eating disorders. You have the right to ask questions. I believe that "fishie" has a list of questions for a T. If not, I could give you some.

Four years ago I went nine months without the "behaviors", but I wasn't well "emotionally". I didn't have a T at the time. The "behavior" is only part of the ED. Therapy can help you discover why you turned to your ED in the first place, and then start to use "rational" thinking, and other therapies, and coping mechanisms to recover. Then you truly start to "live". It's hard work...but you know something?...there are many people who do not have ED's that aren't happy. They're angry, scared, socially isolated, controlling, etc. So, once you get through this "stuff"...hopefully, you'll have a real "plan" for a better life. Good luck, Hon!

~leadinglady~

[nellyelly]

((lilye)) I’m so sorry about yesterday hun!:sad I cried when I read your post because it has me written all over it. I b/p last night for no reason really, I don’t even know why I did it, it was like automatic and that really makes me angry?? Isn’t it enough that I b/p when I am stressed or depressed but now I also b/p when I am normal?!? My body feels beaten up this morning, my throat is sore once again and I had loads of nightmares last night!:sad :cry

((leadinglady)) is right, you need some real time help hun! I am also trying to get this myself. I have a doc’s appointment in about a week and I am gona ask him to refer me to OP or a T, whatever he can give me I will take because I can’t really afford to pay for a T myself. What country in Europe do you live in? Check you local area, there should also be support groups which you can join if you don’t feel comfortable having one on one sessions with a T. I am a very weak person when it comes to reaching out for help, I know its stupid but I try to put it off as much as possible but there comes a time when you realise you can no longer run, that time for me is NOW!

Food in your room is a big NO NO. I always keep all food in the kitchen (downstairs). I find that actually having to stare at it when I’m sitting in bed is very stressful and can really play with your emotions.

Let me know how you are doing today hun!

Nellyelly
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[Lilye]

Hi Nellyelly, LeadngLady and all the fishys,

I didnt B&P last night after, thank God :happy :happy :happy Thanks so much for your posts, they are really helping me keep going. I threw out the food in my room, you are right Nellyelly, keeping food like that is madness. :wacky

I dont know if anyone else is like this but I find it hard to tolerate emotions at all, even happy ones feel too intense and make me feel out of control and like I have to "fix" them (ie. get rid of them) right then and there. I am feeling so down this morning, thank God I threw out that food and have logged on here or I'd be hanging over the toilet right now trying to undo a binge.

I dont know why i feel so down :cry , what leadinglady said about "the first few days are the worst" is true and gives me hope that this downer should pass if i can just stick it out.

Nellyelly, sorry my post upset you, I B&P for no reason too, its so frustrating. :mad. sore throat, nightmares, feeling worse for wear, it doesn't have to be this way :sad We have to try to beat it Lets not B or P today, WE CAN DO IT!:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

Leadinglady, you have such insight, it is so easy to get caught up in the craving of wanting a particular food and completely ignoring the horrible consequences that come straight after it. I'm low this morning, if I stay away from B&P behaviours there is a chance I might start feeling better, might work through a little of whats behind this, if I B&P ABSOLUTELY NOTHING will be achieved, and there will be no hope for my mood lifting abit. Thats the truth and I need to remember it:idea :idea :idea

There is definitely a time when the bingeing just stops being so effective, it like we have to keep getting more extreme in our E.D behaviours to get the same need fulfilled:kaoswoah I have journal entries like that too, it really helps to read them to remember the hell, I'm going to make that list you suggested too "you will feel better if you binge...until the binge is over...then you feel like "crap", defeated, in physical distress, embarrased, scared, depressed, isolated, lonely, "

Writing down all the jumbled E.D thoughts and rationalising them really does help :igotit , its a great way of getting perspective when in that crazy "i-need-to-binge-now" space or when telling yourself that everything is bad and that you can't tolerate how you feel for a second longer.

About real-time support, I do have a T, but dont see her that often. I have been in IP three times, I recovered for a little while each time, then went back:mad
I dont really know what I should do around treatment now, my T recommends I go into IP again, which is a real no no for me:kaosnope She wants me to go abroad where there are more facilities for this problem, I am really set against this, IP is pretty rotten and it would cut up my parents to see me in hospital again.

There are some support groups, but none near by, i used to travel to them but sometimes I found seeing people who were very ill triggering (I know that sounds backwards :wacky ). I also find speaking about this problem in real-time very difficult. feel like I'm wasting people's time, that they are disgusted, that they are judging me, thinking what a fool i am etc.:lookin Just feel so guilty about talking about myself, even here in the :bowl

Thanks for being there, i hope this post doesn't wreck yer heads!:wacky :wacky :wacky If anyone wants to join me I AM NOT GOING TO B&P TODAY:happy
Bye for now

[leadinglady]

Hi Lilye and nellyelly

I just wanted to say "hi" because I know both of your are struggling. This is hard work. I just wanted you to know that I relate to everything you've said. It's very difficult for most of us to reach out for help. Many of us are used to helping others, but would almost "die first", before we admitted to anyone that we need their help. Eating disorders are a very "secret" life...people don't really know what we're "up to"...and we have to be pro-active if we're going to get better. People will assume we're "fine" unless we say otherwise. We aren't going to be able to do this on our own. I will not make it without a T...because I have "issues" that absolutely must be addressed, so that I can "go through them", and "release them".

Also, you can just binge and purge for "no reason"...you just do it. I remember once, coming home from a support group...I was so excited about something we had talked about, and didn't know what to do with my "happiness"...so I ate! It's sorta like people taking out a cigarette without even thinking about it...habit/addiction/mental disorder. We all just need to get well.

Hope you had a good day!

~leadinglady~

[nellyelly]

Thanks ((leadinglady)) / ((lilye)). I have been feeling so down these past couple of days and your support has been much appreciated.

((lilye)) I didn’t b/p last night, mainly because I felt so defeated and weak that all I could do was just curl into a ball and sit under the blanket I front of the TV. I couldn’t even be bothered to move. I was also in a lot of pain (period pains) and I know that bingeing would only make those worse!
Do you think going to IP again would help you to recover or are you scared that history is going to repeat itself?
Quote: “IP is pretty rotten and it would cut up my parents to see me in hospital again.” Yes it would, but aren’t your parents hurting because they know you have an ED and are hurting yourself. They love you and I am sure they don’t want to see you suffering!
Isn’t there any other form of treatment available in your area like OP or specified treatment centres? I know its difficult and I also find it hard to seek help (thus the reason I’m still helpless) but I really want to see you getting help hun because you are going through so much . Maybe you could start seeing your T more often? I understand that you may find it difficult to speak about your problem in RT but you shouldn’t feel that you are wasting people’s time. They chose to be T’s because they care and it’s their job to help people like us (not to mention they do get paid!).

Let me know how you are doing today hun

((leadinglady)) You’re right. I don’t want people to know what I’m “up to”, especially people who I don’t trust. I don’t even trust my own mother with my problem. Although I also find it difficult to speak to doc’s, T’s, Psychiatrists, at least I know they have patient confidentiality and above all I KNOW that I need help ‘cos I can’t do this on my own!

[Lilye]

:trigger :trigger :trigger

Okay, this is going to be an extremely depressing post. not sure if here is the place to come..........i feel i am letting everyone down.

I am full of binge food right now, those of u who binge can imagine how much food iv in me, lets just say-iv back pain and cant stand up straight. :ugh :ugh :ugh
God, I just dont have the energy to purge it out again. I really dont know if I can go through it again. things are going badly. there are so many people in pain on this website i feel like its never ending. do people recover?
my choices are to eat more until i cant bear to hold it in me and then purge, or just get it up now. my parents are down stairs. they are enjoying a meal together and think the world is a good place. and I am a few meters away wishing i was dead. No i dont wish that, but i wish this would end. why cant i get out of this trap????
while i write this the food i eat will be absorbing into me, all those calories-i feel like crap. i cant do this any more, i can't hide what im doing any more. people that i love are all around me but if feels like they are living on a different planet, my life is so different from theirs....i cant go turn on the taps, play loud music and purge out this food again, praying my parents don't hear me...praying i can get it back up. it cant keeep living this way

[Lilye]

Hi everyone,

really sorry about my last post. it wasn't right of me to post such a negative post. :sad sorry about that. I wish i could delete it.

have to thank Leadinglady and Nellyelly for your support, it has been such a boost over the past few days to read your posts. feeling like im reaching the end of my tether at the moment. I am going to see a new T on thursday and im hoping they can give me some perspective on what i need to do to recover, i feel painted into a corner at the moment.:wacky


Nellyelly-hope you are taking it easy and being kind to yourself:love
"I know its difficult and I also find it hard to seek help (thus the reason I’m still helpless) but I really want to see you getting help hun because you are going through so much" .You are not helpless Nellyelly, look at all the help and advice you give others on this site, u are an inspiration :butterfly Somehow what you wrote made me think that u think you are less deserving of gettting help than others. Do you believe this? because its not true.

LeadingLady-"I just wanted you to know that I relate to everything you've said" Thanks Leadinglady, this really helps me because there is no one in 'real-time' who I feel can understand what living with bulimia is like. it feels very lonely.
would almost "die first", before we admitted to anyone that we need their help.
You are right about asking for help-it is so hard- and if you ask once and it doesnt work it is so hard to ask again. it is like admitting weakness, failure...
Hope you are keeping well and minding yourself :love

[nellyelly]

((Lily)) First I wanted to say that you don’t need to apologise for posting negative posts. We aren’t in a “good place” all the time so it’s inevitable that sometimes our anger and frustration will come out in our words.
Your words also show that you are very saturated, defeated and in fact lost. I know how it feels because I have been there, I go there loads of time but I hope to not have to go there in the future.
It seems that you are trying to reach out for help but something is stopping you – is it the fear of letting go of the ED? Is it that you are scared to face your parents about it?

Sometimes I do wish I could take some of my own advice, but unfortunately it’s much easier to give my advice to other people than putting it into practice myself. I am slowly learning to do it though, since at the moment all I’ve got are my thoughts!
I don’t think it’s a matter of being less deserving of getting help than other people, it’s just that as I’ve grown older, I find it very difficult to talk about my ED and at the same time I feel very sceptical towards therapists (due to my first unsuccessful attempt at recovery). But I have realised I need help to get through this and that’s OK. Its OK to NEED help and its OK to reach out.

Good luck at your next T appointment. Be honest with him/her and let them know exactly what you’ve been going through as well as how you are feeling.:gimmehug

Nellyelly
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[Lilye]

Hi there,

Thanks for your message Nellyelly, sorry i haven't written on this thread in a while, the week has been pretty bad and i was ashamed about writing about it. BUT, feeling much more optimistic today:bounce

I went to see that new therapist guy, its cognitive behavioural therapy. I'm not sure what to think, i suppose cant really tell if will work after one appointment. he was very confident that he could help me-said the bulimia was not the problem, that it is really about emotion regulation, that i have never learned how to regulate my emotions properly. He said the first step was to stop "abnormalising" my emotions. I didn't quite get wat he meant but i think it was that everyone feels sad, low, anxious, worried, angry....and saying to yourself "I shouldnt be feeling this way" and trying to push the emotions out, looking for ways to sooth them away (like with b/p) it the wrong approach and only makes things worse, it makes the emotions stronger.

Its like I'm working in a job at the moment that I thought would be easy enough when I took it.... but am not finding it easy at all...in fact dreading going in everyday. So I keep saying to myself "this job is supposed to be easy, I shouldnt be feeling this way, this is supposed to be a nice job and another person would be delighted to have it...another person would find it easy..so there must be something wrong with me, i am struggling in this job, therefore i am a failure...and if im a failure at this supposedly easy job what does that mean for my future...what if I can never hold a job down properly....etc"
He said that telling myself i shouldnt not like the job or that i should find it easy only makes things a hundred times worse. He said you have to accept how you are feeling, not judge it or deny it and then you can move on to try and maybe make the situation a bit better-all our feelings are justified.

Dont know if thats much help to anyone-it confused me abit but I'll ask more about it when i see him next. Thing is, my next appointment isn't for another months time!!! I'm not even surprised,its always like this in treatment. Like what you said Nellyelly about "I feel very sceptical towards therapists" it is hard to deal with them. The problem is we really need them, but they dont need us. And its kind of strange to go to someone, tell them your life's a mess, or you are in pain or whatever the problem is, and them to be like okay....thats terrible...but I'm goin on holidays next week.. so see you in a months time:wacky When ever iv got treatment or seen a therapist I've always had this fear that I'll get dependant on them, get attached....so i try to stay distanced.

Anyway, I asked him what he thought about IP and he said he definetly thought I could hold off on that for a while...this is in direct contradiction to the other lady I've seen who thinks its a must that i go. He was so confident, seemed so sure he could fix me....i hope im not being dragged down the graden path...i suppose time will tell.

Nellyelly:
"Sometimes I do wish I could take some of my own advice, but unfortunately it’s much easier to give my advice to other people than putting it into practice myself". I think alot of people are like this (including myself). A good way of working things is to say to yourself, "if i was some else, my best friend, what advice would i give me, how would i treat me" and then do those things for yourself...when i was in IP they said to treat yourself and your body like it was a little child. Would someone force a little child to fill their stomach up with food until they were near bursting and then force them to purge it out again? NEVER Would you say the mean things to a little child that you say to yourself?NEVER.:cry

"Its OK to NEED help and its OK to reach out":gimmehug this is true for all of us, i dont think its possible to recover from an E.D all on our own. Its okay to have needs and wants and desires and to reach out to others anytime ---:kaosnod are only human!

I wrote in another post BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND, I think we all have to be.
:love :stars :love

[leadinglady]

Hi Lilye

I hope your new T works out. I'm a bit surprised that he didn't recommend IP, but maybe he wants to get to know you first and see if you can be helped without it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is one of the best for eating disorders. It's basically "changing the way we think". Most of us have a lot of "negative self talk"...one "author" calls them "ANTS" ("Automatic Negative ThoughtS"). And we're so used to it, that we never challenge it. So CBT is changing those negative thoughts into more "rational" thoughts. Example:

ANTS: This job should be easy for me, but it's not. That means, I'm a failure.
RATIONAL THOUGHT: I thought this job would be easy for me, but it's not. However, I will do my best, and perhaps I can find another job that would be better suited for me.

ANTS: I can't stop binging and purging; I'll never stop.
RATIONAL THOUGHT: I may have binged and purged today, but that doesn't mean I'll never get better. Every step I make is progress towards my recovery.

Can you see the difference? You can actually start this on your own. Take a notebook, and draw a line down the middle. Write the "negative" on the left side; and the "rational" on the right. Start with something simple. Sometimes, the "rational" thoughts are really hard to "find" and you have to work at it. It takes a lot of practice, but it gets easier, and it's VERY empowering. Here is one of my "old" ones:

ANT: I'm leaving for the week-end and must fix some food for my family before I go. (guilt)
RATIONAL THOUGHT: There is plenty of food in the house and everyone is old enough to take care of themselves. No one will go hungry.

Sorry you're not enjoying your job. I've had a lot of jobs in "my time" that I didn't particular enjoy...and some were a bit challenging. But I found my "nitch"...you will too.

And I hope you can be open with your therapist...he can't help you if you aren't honest, and give him the information he needs. Don't worry about becoming "dependent"...we are all that way to some extent. You are forming a "partnership"...he's the professional, and you're the client...but his job is to give you the skills to help you live life to the fullest; and to get rid of the "baggage" that keeps you in "prison". To have to wait a MONTH though...that's tough. I'd ask him, "How can I make any progress when I have to wait so long in-between sessions?"

Bye for now. :cool

~leadinglady~

[nellyelly]

Hi ((Lily)), ((LL))

Sorry I haven’t actually posted in a few days. I was feeling really down and negative and I just needed some time for myself. The bowl is great but it was starting to put some pressure on me which I didn’t need right now. I was frantically posting and wanting to respond to every post and when I couldn’t post “perfectly”, I would just stress out. I was finding that I had no more advice to give to fishies and I didn’t want to give bad advice!

I also b/p again this Saturday. I know there is a pattern to it! It’s always on Saturdays. I don’t know if it’s because I feel stressed at the weekend, I am home (mostly) alone and I have no structured time. I am fine during the week and on Sunday but come Friday night, I start to get all jittery!!! Why can’t I just have a normal relaxing day at home after a whole week’s work? I am also hating the fact that I must purge after every binge whereas before I would sometimes just sit with the fullness and urges!!:cry

((Lily)) Its great that you are now seeing this new T. All T’s are different and have completely different approaches, so much so that one is telling you to go IP and the other is telling you not yet!!! I think he is starting to get to know you and want to speak to you and “assess” you a bit more before recommending any other type of treatment. I like what he said about us “abnormalising” our emotions. That is the best place to start because we know ED’s are about the food, etc… its about the emotions/ underlying feelings.

I am going to see my general doctor today and we are gona discuss options for treatment. It may be that he can’t even refer me anywhere unless I pay for the treatment but I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be something available. I also need to change the way I think, change all the negative feelings and thoughts into positive ones because that is the part I am struggling with a lot at the moment. Just stuff like, why do I want to be something I’m not?, why can’t I be happy the way I am?, how do I combat self-hatred and negative thoughts?, etc… and I am very confident that a T and CBT would be able to help me with those.

Also, I got some quotes for health insurance and the money that I would be paying in premiums yearly, is enough to pay for a T for a once a month visit!!!:scared Imagine if I claimed for a T under that insurance…the premiums would go through the roof!!! I guess I’m back to square one now…

Nellyelly
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[Lilye]

Hi there,

(((Nellyelly))) just read your post, and the way you said about feeling under pressure to post hit me cause i was feeling the same a few days ago,

"The bowl is great but it was starting to put some pressure on me which I didn’t need right now. I was frantically posting and wanting to respond to every post and when I couldn’t post “perfectly”, I would just stress out. I was finding that I had no more advice to give to fishies and I didn’t want to give bad advice!"

I think alot of E.D ppl do this, putting huge pressure on themselves, feeling obliged to take care of everyone else and make sure others are happy etc, but totally neglecting themselves. Dont let this place become like that for you, here should be a place you can come whenever you want and not feel the pressures of 'real-time' like making sure your advice is perfect or feeling you have to post and all that. Here should be a place that you can express your feelings and be yourself guilt free, I know thats what I want it to be :lubdub . I get worried about writing about myself, that its selfish, just like in real-time,it feels wrong to talk about yourself, but its not wrong!!!! this forum is for that and its not about commitments and obligations, so feel free here Nellyelly, dont let it become another place you have guilt about :gimmehug

Hope that makes sense :love :love :love

[nellyelly]

Thanks ((Lily)). I am feeling a bit better in regards to the posting here. I’m not doing it on an everyday basis now and just come on here when I feel I need the “company” or the support.

How have you been doing the last couple of days?

Nellyelly
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