emotions?

[werechilde]

I've been really frustrated at myself recently, for a couple of reasons:

a) my friends are all in relationships. I want to be in a relationship but I have a hard time initiating change. Change scares me. But I think that my main problem is I don't know what it feels like to be in love and I'm constantly looking for that. I feel like I'm not really attracted to anyone, but maybe it's just that I don't know what I'm feeling. I guess my lack of experience in this department is pulling me down... I don't know... that's the problem.

b) my grandmother is very sick. She probably won't last the year. I'm going to visit her and see her for the last time, and for some reason I'm not upset. I feel like I should be. I love my grandmother very very much and I don't want her to die. I don't know if it's just that it hasn't sunk in yet or something. I want to be able to cry, because then I will be able to acknowledge that it's actually happening.

I guess my main problem that I'm having is not being able to know what I feel or if I'm feeling in general. Does that make sense? What can I do? I don't want to be alone all my life; that scares me more than anything. I want to be able to cry. It feels like wanting to cry is selfish, as if I would just be doing it to make myself feel better... so confused....

help?

~anni

[Fireball]

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. That must be really hard to deal with.
I absolutely understand what you're talking about in this post though and I'm to know I'm not the only one feeling this way....

Lately I've also felt like I'm somehow lacking in emotion, or at least emotional expression. I've been doing a bit of a dating run lately - going through guys like crazy but the thing is I can't seem to make myself feel anything for them. I can't really make myself feel anything anymore - things which I think SHOULD make me upset or happy or anything else don't.

I don't really know what to tell you in the way of advice - it's something I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with but I know for me it's important to remind myself that this is temporary. It's easy when you feel like this to make poor, or self-destructive decisions because either you don't care and don't feel bad about it, or because they're the only things that do make you feel. It also doesn't mean that you will spend your life alone. My theory (and this is just a theory) is that maybe I just need to work on sorting out my emotions dealing with myself before I can address my emotions relating to others. Sometimes the emotions related to ED's and everything that goes with them (depression etc) are so overwhelming that it's easier for us just to tune stuff out, and not feeling anything at all. I don't really know though.

In any case (this is getting long), know that you're not the only one feeling this way and have faith that you will work through it. Hugs for you, and I'm saying a prayer for you and your grandmother.

Allison

[werechilde]

I can't really make myself feel anything anymore - things which I think SHOULD make me upset or happy or anything else don't.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm glad that there is someone else who has this same problem. I don't know why, but I can't seem to be as emotional a person... I feel as if I'm not having as many problems with my ED, which is why this seems so frustrating to me. Yeah, I still have food issues, but I can more or less deal with them and would like to move on with my life, but somehow my psychological way of dealing with things is holding me back...

I saw my grandmother today, and she was so frail. She can't get out of bed and she probably won't live longer than a week. I know this is the last time that I'm going to see her ever, and I don't want that. It seems like it would be easier to avoid it, but I can't and I know that and so I'm going to try to spend the most time with her that's possible. I should feel more sad than this. I got teary eyed today, but that's as close to crying as I could get. :sad I'm upset about this situation and I'm upset that she's dying, but something is stopping me from feeling devestatingly sad, and I don't know what it is.

Fireball, thanks for responding back. It means a lot to me.

[BitterforSweet]

A) I feel for you. I have never had a boyfriend and I'm seventeen [only three more years of a teenager if that gets edited] Its sad and embarresing. My sister has had more BFs then me and she is younger. That is why I feel so ugly to begin with though, you know why I have a ED. Okay enough about me, sorry. So in my opinion, you just want to be included with your friends, and there is nothing wrong in that. Even though you arent attracted to anyone you want someone to make you feel happy, warm and fuzzy on the inside like your friends BFs do [maybe thats what your feeling]. I dont adjust well to change either, but change IS good. Dont worry, your time will come, as mine will hopefully. We all are different, and maybe you arent meant to be with anyone right now. Anni, you dont need a man to make you happy. YOU can make YOU happy.

B) I'm sure you will feel some sort of emotion, but right now, it seems as if you are a bit preoccupied, preventing that emotion about your grandma. Make the best out of the visit and let her know you love her.

Wanting to cry ISNT selfish. It allows you to release feelings, dont think of it as selfish. If you cant cry, then maybe you arent feeling any sort of emotion. Maybe you are doing it in a different way you arent even realizing. Hope I helped :)

[werechilde]

yeah, my brother has had more relationships than I have and he's two years younger. I know that they haven't been serious relationships, but I still envy him for them. You hit the nail on the head when you said:
"Even though you arent attracted to anyone you want someone to make you feel happy, warm and fuzzy on the inside like your friends BFs do [maybe thats what your feeling]."
I do want that warm fuzzy feeling, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a sexual relationship, which is what I feel is expected of me in the college environment. None of my friends here are virgins except for me.
But then again, maybe you're right. Maybe now is not my time. I don't know. I don't know if I'll know my time when it comes. That's what I'm afraid of.

I said goodbye to my grandmother today. A priest came yesterday and said a prayer. I'm not religious, but I was actually crying. I didn't think I would be able to, but the spirituality in that room and all the caring... I don't know. I think the unescapable realtiy of the situation sunk in at that moment. I cried again saying goodbye to her. I can't believe that I'm never going to see her again. I'm glad I was able to cry, because otherwise I'm not sure that I would really be letting go. I don't know... It was a hard weekend. I felt guilty when I was happy about something, but then again, I know that she just wants us to be happy. I wasn't able to talk to her after that first day. She was asleep the whole time. I know that she probably knows that we all love her, but I wish I could have been able to tell her. I'm going to miss her more than I can say.
Thanks for all your advice, you guys. It has helped.

[Fireball]

Werechilde,

Lots of mixed emotions now - I'm so sorry that you had to say goodnye to your grandmother, that's such a hard thing to do, but I'm also glad that you were able to say goodbye and that you felt whatever it was that you were needing to - grief, acceptence and all the rest. It's such an important thing to do. Having also lost someone close to me (though it was a while ago!) I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I'm sure your grandmother loved you very much though and more than anything she wants you to be happy and healthy and to enjoy and experiance your life.

As far as the relationship thing goes my only advice would be to take it really slow. It's easy when you want that "happy, warm and fuzzy feeling" to maybe cross lines you aren't quite ready to yet. Your posts always make me think because you seem to be going through alot of the same things I am. Although I date fairly often, I've only had one really serious relationship and once I hit college I started to feel like a sexual relationship was expected as well. I crossed that line with my latest boyfriend and although it wasn't a terrible world-came crashing down sort of thing, it wasn't something I think I was REALLY ready for, or really wanted to do and now find myself kind of resentful of my boyfriend for going there - though it's really not his fault at all. Set your own boundries no matter what's expected and I think you'd be suprised to find out how many college-aged people are in the same place as you - I know alot of my friends are!

For now, I'm still cheering for you! Wouldn't life be wonderful if we could all figure out what it was that would make us happy and then get there instead of stumbling through all this other stuff? I guess that's part of the experiance though.

Take care of yourself
~allison

[werechilde]

Thanks Allison!
Yes it would be wonderful if we could figure out what we wanted... but you're right, I suppose. I don't really want to admit it. I'd rather know NOW than have to figure it out, partially because I know it's going to include some pretty bad mistakes on my part. Thanks for understanding and responding. I hope things turn out well for you too!
Best of luck to the both of us! :gimmehug
~Anni