Im ashamed to buy the books I want/need!!

[paperdoll]

Ok...

So I've been working on recovery for a while... and lately my anorexia struggles have morphed into bulimia for the most part.

I've been wanting to get some books (or even just look at them!!) for help and support with Bulimia/Over eating. BUT today I went to the book store, and to the self-help section.... and... :ummm just stood, frozen in front of the ed books. I wanted so badly to pick some of them up and look through them... but I was too afraid of anyone seeing me.:ugh

I have the anorexia workbook and some ed novels, which, although a little awkward to purchase, I could do it. Bulimia is just so much more shameful to me... I don't want people judging me and being disgusted by me...:sad I suppose I could try ordering them online. Then I wouldn't have to face anyone.

Sorry, this may be a pointless post.... but if anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it!

[bluebabe]

hey, I'm not on much, because my laptop died, but if you have any specific titles you're interested e-mail me and maybe I can lend/give some to you!
e-mail is babyblues********************@hotmail.com (numbers are two-twentyeight-eightytwo)

[annebear]

Paperdoll,
Sweetie, you can order them on-line through Gurze books. Their e-mail is www.bulimia.com. Depending on your age, when you are checking out if anyone does say anything to you...just say it is for a research paper/supplemental reading for a class. Usually, the clerk is just trying to make small talk and won't even notice the titles of your books. If they do notice just ask a question, such as--do you sell many of these? or have you heard any reviews about this book? I hope that this helps. You can also order the books through you local library or interlibrary loan. Your patron record must remain confidential. Good luck and let us know how you are doing. Take care
Hugs,
annebear

[kessa-katonah]

:hugon paperdoll:hugoff


I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Keep working on the recovery, hon.

About your post, I can very much relate to what you wrote. I am easily embarrassed and often worry that people are judging me. If you are really that uncomfortable, you can use your idea and order the books online. However, I don't think this is the same as going to the book store and I don't want you to do a disservice to yourself. Honestly, people are WAY more self involved than you think. Again, I'm not minimizing your concerns about feeling judged but I too have to remind myself in these situations that people are not focusing on what book I am looking at or purchasing.

People do not only buy books that have to do with them. For all the cashier knows you are a student writing a thesis on the statistical analysis of reader's anxiety level changes in bookstores when looking at eating disorder information! I don't know! :cheesy

I think that this can be an opportunity for you to take care of yourself iin small steps. You don't have to purchase ten books or anything but gently remind yourself that you will be ok and most of the anxiety is coming from within. Maybe you can wear camouflage and you will feel like noone can see you! (tee-hee)

I hope that you are able to do what's best for you. Take care.
:gimmehug :gimmehug

[The Becoming]

Hiya

Lots of people buy books for all sorts of reasons. You could be buying it for someone else, for a project, because you have a friend in need...the retailers don't know what's going on in your world. I know you feel like you will be see-through but they are not mind-readers or psychics and probably more worried about their own worlds. still I know the emotions don't follow that reason always.

Here's an idea that might work for you if online stuff is not an option - I'm a drama teacher so forgive me if this is just not your thing but I'll share anyway:supergrin - :zoinks Perhaps you could invent a role for yourself, invent a scenario where you pretend you are buying this for a friend. Maybe for another fish? You could spend a few moments imagining this scenario - you finding the book, taking it up to the counter (perhaps with a magazine or something else to so you can also focus on purchasing that), imagine buying the book, talking to the shop assistant about the weather or the latest best seller etc. then leaving the store to go and meet with your friend. You could visualise yourself doing this till it feels like you can believe in it. Then give it a go! Let the talk in your head be talk your "character" would say - about how you would love to help her, this looks good, I'm sure she would like this...etc.

Just fake it til you get through and then you might find it wasn't so scary after all???

Good luck, sweetie. Its okay to be you. Its okay to struggle with ED and its VERY okay to go to a store and buy a book that could bring you comfort and healing.

Love to you
The Becoming

[shrimpy]

:hugonPaperdoll:hugoff

If you go to one of the big bookshops like borders that have sofas and don't mind you reading through stuff, you could try flicking through the books on offer instore before deciding what you want to buy. If you're too embarrassed to buy them in RT, just make a note of the titles that you felt were useful and then go home and order them online.

I had this same awkward feeling when I bought books about ED and cutting, so this is the way I bought them. I was also scared someone might notice what I was reading instore, so I went to the history section and got a large book so I could hide my ED books within the covers and anyone passing would just think I was reading about History. (:muhaha.. I don't suppose anyone took any notice at all... but it made me feel less conspicuous, AND I learned a lot about the final years of Czarist Russia:muhaha!!).

:gimmehug Shrimps

[Lovely Laura]

I absolutely identify with this!
The first time I bought my first ED book I was so embarrassed - I went through so mush stuff about what I imagined the shop assistant (female) thought of me...I didn't have a credit card or 'net access
Some solutions I've found:
Ordering online - I find that I worrya lot less about what Amazon thinks of me!
Buying it from a "real" bookshop - pretending I'm buying it for someone else; focussing on the fact that buying self-help books is a healthy side of me & that is something to be proud of, not ashamed of - getting help is a sign of health not disease; focussing on the fact that I am a customer & doing the shop a favour & that if they are selling self-help books, they are expecting people with needs to come in & buy them!
Also focussing on the fact that there is not a huge glowing pink neon sign above my head or a loud klaxon sounding the alarm when I am buying such books saying "WARNING: THIS WOMAN IS BUYING A BOOK ON ED!" ;)
Good luck hon, let us know how you get on - remember to take care of yourself before & after
You have the right to buy books you need
Take care
Laura
x

[annebear]

Paperdoll,

Hello! I just wanted to check in and see if you have been able to locate the books you have been wanting to look at and purchase any? Wanted to send you some hugs and let you know that I have been thinking of you. Take care.

Hugs,
annebear

[snugglebunny]

I wouldn't be ashamed to purchase the books. You could order them online. Half.com is a good site to buy books for less than retail price. You could also check them out at the library. Good luck.

[thisandthat]

I completely understand. It took me a while to be comfortable buying/renting books about EDs. Now I approach the counter confidently, hand over the book, and go on my merry way. Chances are you will never see the clerk again anyway...
You can always buy online! :igotit

[openmyeyes]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I used to feel embarrassed and ashamed of even borrowing these types of books out of the library.

Something that really helped me was to remember WHY i am doing this. I am doing this so I can get my life back. I am doing this because I DONT WANT ED IN MY LIFE ANYMORE! THis is a hugely positive thing to do.

I do second the other :fishy 's though. People are a whole lot more self-absorbed than you think. ED would have us believe that the whole world can see that we are looking at an ED book, but think about it - do you notice the books other people are looking at? Probably not! This isn't meant to make you feel insignificant, but its true that other people have other things to do than watch to see if you are goin to pick up the book on yoga or the book on EDs.

When it coes to the checkout, and people judging you, I like to think of it like this: People are going to have more respect for you for being actively engaged in recovery, rather than actively engaging in ED behaviours. How about instead of visualising the shop assistant negatively judging you, why not visualise him thinking "Wow, this person is really dedicated to their recovery, they're definately someone worth respeccting!".

[izabela]

You could always try ordering things online..

I was in borders today getting some recovery related books and as I was standing in the recovery section I started panicking because I thought everyone was staring at me. I felt so uncomfortable. I had to sit of the floor. I somehow made it to the register.

As so as I got out of the store I had a panic attack..

I'm hoping the next time I go and do this it will be better. I have an anxiety disorder so I can't let that beat me either.

[AmyG]

Hon, there is nothing what so ever to be ashamed off. I used to work in a book store and I pronise you no one judges or notices what people buy. I am someone who worries so much about other people instead of just taking care of me. True, you can by books on - line but it woulld be great practice to buy the books you want and need in your local book store. Don't be ashamed of getting your needs met. Take care of you your worth it!

[EdNoMore]

I'm pretty sure you thought of this already, but amazon.com is also a great place to get books from. If you do a search for a book that you're interested in, on the page with the book, there will usually be personal reviews that people have done on the book, so that will give you a better idea of if it will be useful to you. Also, people make "lists" of books they recommend, and I've found some great recommendations through those too. Good luck finding some books, and happy reading:cheesy

[maybel]

i see you have gotten a lot of response to this question already so i appologize if i am repeating something someone already has said.

i just ordered a bunch of books from the library on ed's and i felt the same way before i pushed the submit button on the computer. then i thought about how many other ppl had taken these books out before and in your case at the book store how many others have bought these books and then i thought maybe the librarian will just think i am doing a report on bulimia or something. and for that matter i very well could be. so maybe the book seller will think you are studying to become a psychologist for ed's .... you never know even though it feels like they are probably staring you down judging you already. my guess is they are not. plus you might be looking into ed's out of concern for a friend or family member ... anyway i think we are all embarassed from our situation and that is what mostly leads us to believe everyone is out to judge us. but i have been seemingly everywhere and found someone else with an ed too, so maybe your courage will enspire the person next to you to pick up that same book for your shared problem.....? anyway best wishes its nothign to be ashamed about no matter how much it feels like you should be ... everyone has visited the self help section at some point in time. this is no different. im just glad all those authors before us had the courage to write in detail about their own struggles and put their own name on it etc. i dont know what i would have done without them ...there are some fabulous books out there waiting for u, u have nothng to be ashamed of, go get em.

Jess