this is bullshit

[Thaleia]

binging but not purging is NOT winning half the battle. i feel SO MUCH worse about myself when i binge but don't throw up. and then it just inevitably leads to later restricting or overexercising the next day or week or whatever. what the fuck. i feel very hopeless trying to battle this disorder i think succumbing is easier. plus i have gained a few pounds from binging which is absolutely unacceptable to me. there is no point to this post and no one needs to respond i just needed to get this out. sorry for being negative as usual.

[ltdtoo]

Thaleia-
Please dont apologize for being negative- if theres anywhere u dont have to hide how shitty u really feel its here. Plus a million ppl feel the same way, incl. me. I am totally with you on the hopelessness. It seems like it takes SO MUCH effort just to make a tiny bit of progress and if you finally do that it doesnt make an impact really. Also, i agree abt the bingeing and not purging. for me, not purging doesnt stop me from bingeing. During the period a few years ago when i really cut back my b/ping i didnt even try not to purge- it was from not bingeing that i stopped purging. Just hang in there hun. I know how u feel.

[Hopeful]

Hey you two :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug. I'm so sorry a couple of my favorite :greenfishs are hurting so badly and the struggle is so hard for you (and many others). You don't know badly I wish I could wave a magic :wand and make things better for you...for everyone. I feel your pain and that feeling of hopelessness - I've been there myself, and I too have honestly felt that there was no way out of this living hell. I just wanted to go to sleep and stay there until everything was "okay" again (no more ED), and then wake up and start living again. It was too painful to keep getting up and going through the same thing, day after day...the broken promises to stop the ED behaviors because they had such control over me. Please don't let this monster win the battle, don't let it destroy you. I know you feel like there is no hope...but it CAN get better. I'm not saying it will get that way overnight and without a lot of hard work, but little by little you can get there. Trying to do it on your own is often self-defeating because when ED has such a tight grip on you, you become its prisoner and believe its constant lies. For example, I know that bingeing but not purging feels horrible and not a step forward. I know because not that long ago, that's what I went through. And yeah, I gained a couple pounds, but what I learned is that it was temporary - it wasn't an every-day occurence. Don't think for a minute that I wasn't losing my mind over what was happening, but I had made a decision (and a commitment to my T) that throwing-up was no longer an option for me with this ED. And I was determined not to let ED win - not that part.

For me, I knew that I had to get serious and not binge - because that's when I would throw up. Was it easy? No. It took a couple "slips" of eating too much, but I held my ground. And you know what helped? STAYING OFF THE SCALES. Weight is going to fluctuate as you give up ED behaviors and give your body a chance to stabilize. I've worked hard with my T and I'm proud to say that I'm on day twenty of no b/p - you CAN get there too. Please don't give up. I care so much for you guys (and everyone else who's struggling) - please hang in there. Take care. :lubdub

[Krystine]

wow, hopeful, twenty days?! That's awesome.

Please hang in there with the no purge. I did it today, and I regret it...but I want to quit as well. I know it doesn't help, and actually for me it does make me more likely to binge, and it's just another way of avoiding feelings and addressing the issues, I think.

:challenge : Can you take the time to think of some of your emotions and try to work on them instead of only the weight #, and bingeing and purgeing?


gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[Thaleia]

ltdtoo,
thank you so much for your response - i am so sad that you went through this as well i would not wish it on anyone but i am glad to hear you got through it (unless i misunderstood and you are still struggling in which case HANG IN THERE we can help each other...somehow. im not sure how but somehow)

hopeful,
your responses are always so encouraging and helpful (and hopeful!) this is so hard. i feel like i have been binging for almost two straight weeks and only purging less than half the time. it really fucking sucks and i have gained like five pounds and i just wake up every day saying im not going to do it and then i do. today has been marginally better but only marginally. i still feel so horrible and out of control. but like it all comes down to the fact that i cannot bear to gain another pound i will just die. tht is my problem with recovery - i can't deal with the weight gain i absolutely cannot i am absolutely unable to. i have been "in recovery" three different times and all three i gained weight and was overweight for my height i think. i CANNOT WILL NOT be that big ever again. i would die. my problem is that even episodes like this binging one eventually pass and then i go back to b/p and restricting and lose weight. so while it is up and down in the short run in the long run i am losing weight so i have no incentive to stop no matter how miserable i am. i know that this is like such an anti-recovery post and i am sorry but i am just trying to get across how i feel about the situation. no matter how shitty i feel i am almost a hundred percent sure that i would feel shittier if i gained more weight. so i won't let that happen :cry

[Thaleia]

hopeful,
omg i am so selfish i didnt even congratulate you on your twenty days!!! that is so amazing i hope that one day i can do that too. you are an inspiration in many ways. thank you for always responding to my posts.

krystine,
your challenge is perfect because not thinking about emotions is why i turn to ED. i like never learned to deal with feelings and have pushed them down my whole life to the point where sometimes i can't feel anything. so starting now i am going to REALLY TRY and think about my feelings and actually feel them instead of turning to food and ED thoughts and behaviors.

[Krystine]

Good for you. I'm sorry if I came across as a little "direct" but I just want you to know that I wish the best for you, and I truly believe there is so much more than the # on the scale and how many times we binge and purge or don't binge and purge, you know?

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

I've just finished a book called "When Food Is Love" and it's opened my eyes more to thinking about why am I eating and why am I purgeing and what do I really hope to gain from eating? Hah, I got loads of work to do on this as well. Here's to the journey.

take care of you, you are so special.

[Thaleia]

krystine,
you're so sweet. and you didn't come off as too direct you are totally right and sometimes i need that reminder that it is not about symptoms - because i get really caught up in that and it is ALL i think about. i can go hours and hours thinking only about food and weight and being unable to ignore the ED voice. sometimes i can't even tell the difference between the ED voice and my own.

i have been doing something good this last week - there is a cute park near my house and i have been going and walking cause it has been really nice out. so i have not been overexercising (although of course ED is telling me that is not a success that is a failure) but still getting a small workout in.

i hope you are having a good weekend and thanks for your suggestions!

[Krystine]

yay for enjoying nice weather. We got rain and hail pretty much non-stop today, but tomorrow should be sunny :happy

Hey, I wanted to point out a success that you might not even realize...you ARE seperating yourself and the ED. I've only recently been able to say "the ED is telling me this" and realizing that it is something that I can break from. So good for you!

I hope you're having a good weekend and have a good Sunday.

:gimmehug :gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug

[pixtob]

i still feel so horrible and out of control. but like it all comes down to the fact that i cannot bear to gain another pound i will just die. :cry

:sly really, Thaleia? Is it possible that it just feels that way? :sly

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

pixtob

[Thaleia]

krystine,
thank you for pointing out that that is a success...i'll take any little thing!

pixtob,
i guess in theory i won't physically die but it definitely feels that way. it will make me want to die (im not suicidal but you know what i mean) i feel like i will mentally die. i will want to shut down and never leave my apartment and i have JUST gotten better at leaving my apartment and going places. i think that gaining another pound would be like the worst thing for me right now.

[Fly_By_Butterfly]

:hugon Thaleia dear :hugoff

What is so frightening about gaining one small pound? :challenge Why does your weight matter so much to you?

(trust me, it's a Q I have to ask myself a lot as well. :love)

[hoorayforbg]

Thaleia
I totally get what you mean. Binging without purging makes me feel like the grossest thing on the planet, as if hovering around the toilet for hours should really make me feel any cleaner. It makes no sense and it sucks we have to feel this way. I've also fallen into weight gain, which I know isn't easy at all. Don't worry about sounding negative; I've been a lot more neurotic than optimistic lately and I know how that is. Just keep venting and hang in there!

erika.

[susank]

First of all, yeah for you for resisting the urges to purge. Sounds to me that you are fighting the battle really well! Recovery is about feelings, letting yourself feel your emotions and finding other ways to cope. Not purging may or may not be half of the battle, at least not right now, but it is part of it! I applaud you for the steps you have taken...resisting the urges to purge, letting yourself feel...esp feelings that are so uncomfortable, and for writing about it and being open to feedback and support from other people. That is huge!
Another part of recovery is learning to trust your body. It's a tough one! Your body is used to going through times of feast or famine...one extreme to another. Your body has wisdom and has learned how to survive with binging and purging, but it functions better and you'll feel better, by having less extremes. In time, by not purging, your urges to binge will probably lessen and your weight will stabilize...and your anxiety about both will go away.
How do you know you are gaining weight? Stay off the scale! The scale is telling you that you can't trust your body...
Weight naturally fluctuates throughout the day, the week, the months, the seasons, and the years.
hang in there! It gets easier in time!
Susan

[ltdtoo]

Thaleia-
About the gaining a pound thing, here are some questions I learned in CBT that I found really useful to ask myself- you're supposed to write it out, if u want.

Write down the situation you were in when you had the thought. (i.e. had just eaten x or seen person x or weighed yourself or something)

Specify the emotions caused by this thought. How intense are the emotions (one to one hundred percent)

Describe the thought (like "I am such a fat pig, I gained a pound i deserve to die" or "I just ate x now im going to gain weight if i dont purge. I might as well binge and then purge")
Rate your belief in the thought between one and one hundred.

What is the evidence for or against the thought? Is there an alternative explanation? What is the effect of my having this thought? What could be the effect of changing my thinking? Even if the thought is true, what is the worst that could happen? What's the most realistic outcome? What would I tell a friend who was thinking this way?

Well hopefully that might help? It used to help me, though not so much anymore. P.S. With regards to your other post (you sed congrats on doing better unless you're wrong or soemthing) , im definitely still very much in my ED, I still b/p at least once a day and feel like crap. Just to get that out.

[Thaleia]

ltdtoo,
thank you so much for the advice i am definitely going to try that. i know that i turn to ED thoughts when i am trying to avoid thinking about something else (it is almost automatic) and of course the scale is the most triggering thing ever. also trying not to purge just brings up all these feelings of laziness and horribleness etc. etc. im sorry to hear that ED has a hold of you as well - UGH this really sucks!! i hope you are having a good day today!!

susank,
i hate myself even more for knowing that i have done this to my body adn worry that i have permanently fucked up my metabolism. i am really trying to get ahold of the binging today......it is going to take an iron will but i think i can do it. i ate a bigger breakfast than i should have but i am just going to distract myself with homework and cleaning and move on. i hope i can do it! ahhhhhh. my entire eating disorder is characterized by periods of restricting, over exercising, binging and purging, and then periods of binging but not purging and those are the times when i seriously just want to give up. UGH.

erika,
ugh we really need a way to get through this...im not sure what the solution but i am brainstorming! i just dont know why a 'normal' weight is unacceptable to me! right now i am at the perfect weight for my height but that feels HUGE. WHY!?!?!?

kayla,
i think gaining one pound scares me so much b/c that can turn to five pounds, to ten pounds and on and on and out of control. i feel like there are only two options: losing weight and gaining weight. maintaining my weight is not even something i know how to do! UGH. i have already gained like five pounds and it is fucking killing me....and what happens is it hits me that i've gained weight and i freak out and fall even farther into eating disorder behaviors....ugh this is a nasty viscious circle.

i hope all you fishies are doing better than i am!!!!! i love you all dearly and i don't know what i would do without your support

[ltdtoo]

Thaleia-
It is so funny that u sed the thoughts are almost automatic bc in "CBT Language" they're called automatic thoughts.

[jenniepennie]

:gimmehug

Oh hon... once again we are twins, but I feel so horrible that you are in a similar position to me. I have been binging just as frequently with the same volume of food going in, but purging less than half the time because I am around my friends and I don't want it to come up in conversation, even though one of them knows anyways...

It feels like when everything is falling apart that binging is the thing that keeps me sane, that holds my day together, and gives me purpose.

i've got to tell you though, I haven't been feeling NEARLY as bad as I would have, had I been weighing myself, but (fortunately?) my scale is at my b/f's house, where I go very rarely and usually just to get clean underwear...

Can I challenge you to try and decrease the amount of time you spend on the scale? I know it seems fucking impossible. But I have cut back once a week and you wouldn't believe the freedom I feel. LIke I dont have a number indicating what sort of day I'm going to have, now it's all up to me!

Today I go to my b/fs and pack up all my stuff and take it home. I am really out of there for good. I am anxious and scared and I am praying for the strength to get through this and not freak out or get overwhelmed by all the packing and moving and deciding what I need to live for the next month...

Anyhow hon, I just want you to know that you're never ever alone, and I, as always, am in a similar situation. I've just got to tell you that decrease in weighing has honestly made a huge difference. I am hoping to cut back more maybe to once every month, and then once a fucking year because I don't NEED a number to tell me my worth.

Remember, you are YOU and not that number.. five pounds more or five pounds less youre still Kate. Don't let the ED take that away from you.

Take care honey
xxx
Jennie

[Thaleia]

jennie,
oh sweetheart i wish i could be there to give you a hug. i take it you and the bf decided that things were not going to work out? can you stay with friends for the remainder of the term? i know this is not going to be what you want to hear....but sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. i know people told me that i wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up but God's plan is not always (is more like never) clear to us.

i love you dearly and i wish we weren't in the same situation! and it is like I HAVE TO KNWO WHAT I WEIGH i worry that if i dont it will spiral out of control and one day i'll get on the scale and it will say like a million pounds. there is a number in my head that i absolutely must stay under - it is like if i go over that number iw ill lose control of everything. i know thats not true but i don tknow. ahhhhhh. i will try and stay off the scale but i honestly dont know if i can do it :ugh

i wish i could be there for you right now! i am sending you lots of positive and loving thoughts and i know you have the strength to get through this. i am always here for you, just an email or an IM away!!!!

[Hopeful]

:hugonThaleia:hugoff,
I could have written some of your posts in this thread (and other fishy replies) almost word-for-word only a short time ago. I was OBSESSED with the number and my weight simply could NOT go above that "magical" number or I'd seriously get so upset that I thought I'd have a breakdown until I got my weight back down. Now I can look back and see how irrational that was: to actually let a number seriously determine the state of my mind and my entire well-being. That was my life....the numbers. When I was BED and gained and gained weight, it made me suicidal because I simply couldn't handle being overweight. I know these questions have been asked of you before (as they were for mel): why is being overweight such a horrible thing? What would that mean to you? How do you view overweight people? If you gain weight, what will happen? I know as horrible as it was to admit, I used to say that I'd rather die than be overweight. I'm guessing you might have similar feelings. But if you can look at that rationally (not through ED-eyes), is your physical appearance that important? I know you mention eating it all, or eating nothing - where's the middle/average? Have you worked with a meal plan (and with the help of a nutritionist)? If not, that might be a great step to think about. It's hard at first but once you're used to eating "regular" meals throughout the day, it helps stop the binge/starve cycle.

Thanks for the "good job" on my b/p-free days. It hasn't been easy and when I say that I KNOW what you're going through, I really do because I went through the same thing, the same feelings, the same obsessions and thoughts and fears. Since last September to present I've been maintaining a higher weight (than my former anorexic ones) and I'm having a hard time accepting it. But the thing I've learned is that my world didn't end, people aren't calling me f*t or making rude comments, all of the fears of "what if.....when I gain weight" simply have not come true. Do I like my body? No. But I'm at a place (in recovery??) where I don't want to be a slave to the damn numbers and being a size "x" - Thaleia there is SO much more to life than that. People used to tell me that and I didn't believe them; I was too wrapped up in my ED-mission (whatever that was). Don't waste your life trying to keep your weight "just right" - work on making peace with it. (and I don't say that lightly because I know it's damn hard getting to that point). :gimmehug

[laurren]

Hey Thaleia!!
I know exactly what you mean!!! I have been restricting so much these last few weeks and I started to purge as well, and all of this started because I stepped on the scale. I am so confused myself when it comes to feel happy about not purging, because I know I was doing so good and I was eating, but what rewards did I get from it??? Nothing. Maybe it's wrong for me to say that, but I was so depressed when I was not purging. I know that sounds so crazy, because I should have been happy and proud of myself, but I wasn't. Right now there is no "middle ground" for me. I am not happy when I purge and I am depressed when I eat. I am very confused as well. All I can tell you is to journal. Journaling is very therapeutic.


P.S. I emailed you, write me back. Love Ya!! :gimmehug