just an update

[WMUM]

so i weighed - ok - i KNOW you will all yell at me or say i am failing and i just need to stop getting on the scale but i can't help it


so i wieghed at the gym and of course - like every other time i step on - i have jumped x pounds again

and i dont know what to do about it - i have decided to start being more careful about what i eat - i am eating too much and too much of what ever i want - so it needs to stop

i skimped out on dinner - hub is never home for dinner so i can - i really don't think i eat well (dinner) unless i have someone around telling me to eat

i gotta go

i hate this

[nc]

so i weighed - ok - i KNOW you will all yell at me or say i am failing and i just need to stop getting on the scale but i can't help it

Nope, not going to yell at you. You know what weighing does to your mood when you choose to step on the scale and if you still decide to do so then there must be a reason you want to feel so bad about yourself and this pregnancy. I hope you are able to dig deep and see why that is.

I do want to :challenge your statement of "I can't help it". Can you REALLY not help it? Is there a gravitational pull that pulls your body against its will on to the scale? Or is it that you would rather step on the scale and beat yourself up afterward than deal with the anxiety of not stepping on the scale. Don't give your power away so easily, stepping on the scale is a choice, it is your choice that you have complete control over. Is it an easy choice to decide not to step on it? Nope, not at all, but it is still your choice in the end to either step on it or choose a different, more healthy path that may lead to some anxiety in the beginning but release you from this compulsion and self-abuse in the end.

I still encourage you to meet with a N and get a proper meal plan put together so you can quit playing the guessing game about what and how much you are eating. While you may be behavior free your posts show that you are still deep in the ed distortions and you simply can not be a good judge of your meal plan. Skimping on your dinner is proof of that.

[WMUM]

i really am utterly sick of fighting this so hard - i have been in recovery for over a year now and its pointless - its never going to go away so what do i care - only for the baby

i am so hopeless right now - i feel that way anyways - i really try hard - i do - i fight off urges and behaviours all the time - but its so hard and i know its hard work to win this battle but i just don't see how it will ever get better....................

[taratwentysix]

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
Melissa,
Sweetie, I have been and on allot of days am right where you are. Fighting is hard work, but I believe has to get better. It wont always be this hard. There are lots of fishies and people in RT who have RECOVERED. They have recovered to live full, happy viberant ED free lives. It does happen. We have to hold onto that hope.

You were feeling so positive a week or so ago, remember how good you felt. You were so excited about the health and growth of your baby:lubdub . Its those moments we have to hang onto when it get tough or when this wretched Ed cycle seems neverending. Those glimpses into the other side. Of what life IS going to be like one day for both of us.

You want to recover! I truely believe that. its just hard right now, if it were easy we would have done it already, but that will just make it all the sweeter in the end.

Its just like these nine long months of pregnancy, It hard, its emotional, and sometimes times it down right sucks but in the end, there is no greater reward for your suffering. That baby will melt your heart from the moment your eyes meet:lubdub :lubdub

Melissa my love cant is not anoption. You must do this and you will do this! I have faith in you, Have faith that God will get you through this. Lean on him when you feel you can longer carry on, he will carry you through.. I know that you know that!

I also agree with nc, you need to find an N so you stop playing this terriable guessing game with your intake, and hell if you step on those dam scales one more time I am gonna drive up to canada and kick your but myself. LOL.

You can do this sweetie:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

Love, Tara

[nc]

WMUM,

I really do understand your feeling of just being sick of fighting this. You have been in recovery a year, and that is great! But a year at the same time is a very short period for recovery from an ed. On top of that you have had a lot happen in the past year that you have not even begun to address in therapy. Yes, you have been in groups and such but you are just now beginning the really tough and the most important piece, working one on one with a good T to tackle all the underlying issues.

Now is not the time to throw in the towel, which I think you know already. I think this is more about blowing off steam which is fine. But I am here to tell you that this CAN and WILL get better as long as you continue to tackle the real issues, and what you weigh or how much you gain during pregnancy are not the real issues those are the distractions.

[nc]

I want to paste parts of a couple of posts you have written in the last week or so to remind you that this does get better, it is not even close to hopeless.

i weighed at the gym yesterday

and i was ok with it

it didn't effect my mood -

i just thought - ok - that is normal gain, its good, my baby is healthy - thats that

i am right on track - i think - with gain - as compared to weeks pregnant -

so i am not worried - i think i am on the right track with eating ??????????? feels weird to say that



sitting here at my office desk i pull out a great lunch (made by my sweet hub) i start typing away - doing the regular work (yes i work very hard) so i am working away - and i stop and look at my sandwich and think - wow, this lunch is really good - my God - it really made me stop and think - and look and experience the moment - not only is my lunch box full and good - but i am eating it - and its good - last year at this time it was a victory for me to make it through what i now consider a small snack - and good luck if i had more than water and good luck if i stayed away from the gym and good luck if i didnt cry- it really is significant - stunningly different - such a wild concept for me - when i really think back - i think there was a great amount of time that my soul was so lost inside, life didnt matter to me at that time - it was hollow and dark and i was so trapped - and now - my life is so full inside that i can carry life and eat my sandwich and smile at how good it is and laugh and smile as my baby twirls against me- i don't always love every minute or every meal or every day - but i want to live again, i want to stay a float, i can have so many moments where i appreciate things with such newness - stunning. sometimes there are moments that God gives you where you have to pause and soak it up and save it to carry later when the moment is less stunning - and a nudge that says - pass this along, let them know, its not all bad - and its so so worth it

[joelle]

I know it may seem hopeless, but caring for the baby means doing this not just for the next nine months. The next nine and a half months the baby is dependent on you for it's physical needs, but once it's born it's going to need even more.
When I was recovering I looked at it lke I didn't have a choice, I had to get and stay healthy. I still loook at it that way. I have a husband and three cats, and when I'm stressed, and my instinct is to turn to ed, I tell myself I don't have a right, I have obligations to my family to stay healthy.
I don't know if that helps but can you look at these next few months atleast like you don't have a choice except to take care of yourself and your baby? I believe being a Mom means taking care of youself, so that you the strength to take care of others. Whether you've given birth yet or not, you're a Mom now and maybe if you try and think in terms of being a Mom now, the choices you have to make may become clearer.