bad, bad week

[GardenOfSimple]

Sorry I haven't been around. I was grounded. I fought w/ my brothers. But, there's so much goin on.
I gained weight, :cry :cry :cry so I now weigh more that I have ever weighed before. (I was eating normally and not purging much for a while... I really wish that my weight would have just stayed the same...) So, e.d. thoughts are stronger. I haven't been able to carry out any ed-related plans to their entirity, yet, though.
That fight I talked about was hard on me. I felt so guilty about it.
One of my gymnastics classes was changed to an earlier time, and now I can't go. At least I can still go on Mondays.
:reallymad :reallymad :reallymadMy mom looked through my purse and found laxatives and appetite surpressants. Later, she had me give them to her. (Yesterday was the day I gave them to her... don't know when she found them, though.) Oh, Melinda :reallymad (t) told her that she knows me best, nad if she's worried, she should look through my purse.:reallymad
Just today, I learned that she also went through my backpack. In there I have my diary, impulse logs, new poetry, and a little more.:reallymad
I have my period. :ugh
I was told that my shorts were too short. (It was just my shirt was too long for my shorts, though... but, its like I'm already self-conscience in anything I wear... shorts are one of the worst... and then this...)
I've :cryed quite often, too.
:ugh :ugh :ugh :ugh :ugh

I guess things just seem to be SO out of my control right now. Especially w/ my mom going through my things.

Guys... I've really missed you this past week.

TY for reading!! :balloons


p.s. Anyone have an extra hug anywere they're willing to share? :winky

[kat eyes]

:stars :hugon gymnastedsi :hugoff :stars
When our mom goes through our stuff we usually get :mad at her instead of trying to see it from her point of view.
What if your daughter was :cry so you decide to check her stuff just in case you find something that might hurt her.
I don't think your mom did any of those "searches" just because she was bored or wanted to snoop around. I think she did it because she is worried about you and doesn't know how to help you.
Try talking to her about this, ok?


and by the way
:balloons :bounce :balloons :bounce :balloons
congratulations!!!
:balloons :bounce :balloons :bounce :balloons
Its great to know you are eating healthy and not purging. Its very defficult to deal with the weight gain at first, have you talked with your therapist about coping alternatives to the weight gain? she could help you figure ways to consider this weight gain possitive and focus on recovery instead of slipping into the ed again
best of :clover

[*star]

:hugonjamie:hugoff
oh jamie im sorry you had such a terrible week. :sad its difficult to gain weight but youll adjust, its not a bad thing! then having your mom look through your stuff, big big big issue of privacy. i hate it when my mom does it- whether shes looking out for me or not. not only is she getting into your business, its like shes taken a piece of your security from inside of you. its HARD.. but know that there is a difference between *browsing* through your stuff wanting to know things, and *searching* for something in particular that she knows causes harm, like razor blades. and i dont agree with your t telling your mom to look in your purse either, but hey, im not a t. anyways, i hope you feel better and next week is a better one!!

[GardenOfSimple]

:hugonkat eyes:hugoff :hugon*star:hugoff...Thanks you guys... I really appreciate your replys!!!
I do see it both ways... i'm pissed :mad, but also I understand its all because she's concerned. It doesn't make it HURT any less, though. It seems, like I said, like I have no control anymore now. I mean, its not like my ed or anything is out of control in my mind (which it may be...) but I just can't do anything...
And, I feel so guilty...
:hugonkat eyes:hugoff... I can't accept your congratulations. I don't really deserve it. I always have times like that when eating is normal and I don't think of it as scary or anything... they never last. But, its never been this hard with me getting "this high" in my weight.

:trigger!!!!!!
I really don't want to talk to my t next week. I don't think i even told her about the weight gain, OR that i've been eating pretty normally. But, i wouldn't tell her i was eating okay, cuz I'm not okay with it. I'm sorry to you all if I'm being triggering... but for myself (and ONLY myself) I look at it as FAILURE...

Well... don't know where I was going to with everything... but, thanks again for reading and all...

[kat eyes]

:stars :hugon gymnastedsi :hugoff :stars
Oh sweety, I hate to see you struggling.
I hink you should go to your t and tell her about the weight gain. She can help you focus on recovery and give you coping ways to handle all this anger.

[dusty]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff

Sweetie, you are a :stars and I care about you very much.

Don't know if that helps much, and I'm not able to give much advice at the moment (bad day), just wanted you to know it.

Always spare hugs for you hun, coming your way......
:hugon:hugoff
:hugon:hugoff
:hugon:hugoff

Always more when needed.

Take care of yourself the best you can, e mail me any time,
:love Becca

[piscesfriend]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff

Oh, Jamie :) TAKETHECREDITTAKETHECREDITTAKETHECREDIT!!!!!!!!!!

Always take the credit!!!! You deserve SO much credit. You deserve it every day all day. You are a wonderful person :) So what if you're not okay with eating?! You're still DOING IT!!!! :) That's amazing!

As for your mom going through your things, I think I can offer another perspective on this.

I do not have an ED. I never have, and NEVER will. My b/f is a recovering A/B and that's why I am here. I have learned so much from him about ED's, and have developed such a love for the people that end up with them (ALL amazing people -- my theory is that you're all so kind-hearted and wonderful that you'd rather hurt yourselves to this degree than tell those you love that they've hurt you. You'd rather suffer in silence than ruin their seemingly unscathed lives).

:trigger :trigger
AAANyway :)... When Chris (Heart of a Lion) was in the depths of his ED, he was battling to hold on to life. I mean, it was VERY serious. So, I would always torture myself because I developed a very strong instinct for when things were getting bad, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings by accusing him of slipping. I felt I needed to find proof that I was right before I approaching him. I would spend a week staring at one particular drawer in his room (I knew he kept food and laxatives in there), trying to decide whether or not to look and see if he was stocking up. It was horrible. And all the while, he'd be getting weaker and telling me he was fine, etc. So that's when I would give in and snoop. I know it's terrible to invade his privacy, but I knew he wouldn't tell me he needed help unless I had evidence to prove to him that I knew what was happening.

So I guess for me it was a desperation thing. I knew it would hurt him, but I had to weigh the consequences. Did I think he'd be okay if I didn't look, and then approach him? Would it be more or less hurtful to him in the long run if I found something harmful and stopped him from using it? All very difficult questions, and always a difficult call. And every time I decided to look, he got mad at me, but I felt like he was still better off, because it would always cause him to stop going down that road. Also, I was back in the loop and he could turn to me for some support.

I hope this helps, and I hope I didn't upset you more. I totally understand your feelings of being invaded or cheated, I just think you should talk to your mom and see what HER reasons are. She may have similar ones to mine.

:love Amanda

[Heart Of A Lion]

I usually try and not post to threads specifically to reply/react to what Amanda/Piscesfriend has said, because I can always do that in person, but I feel compelled in this instance to say something.

First off, Amanda, that was beautiful. It seriously made me cry (surprise surprise). EVERY single thing you touched on was EXACTLY right in accordance to everything I've experienced with my ED. I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm always saying that you have a very acute understanding of my Eating Disorder, but it's very different to hear you offering advice and/or support to other sufferers. I really find myself admiring how much you have actually learned about this, and how completely giving you are to offer that to others. I say this to you every single day, but I figured I might as well make it public this time, seeing you have made me one extremely proud Lion today.

You are such a caring, giving, wonderful person. I am so happy to have you in my life. You're an angel, my soul mate, my lover, my friend, and my companion. Not a minute goes by where I'm not thinking about you, and day after day you remind me why.

I really don't mean to intrude on Jamie's thread, but I am so very proud of you that I couldn't resist. I apologize if I’ve stepped on any toes.

I love you Amanda. Please take care everyone!

[pippen]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff
I am sorry that you had a bad week. I hope things get beter for you. :peep

[GardenOfSimple]

i'm in tears now, you guys. mega :hugonHUGS:hugoff and in need for all of you fishys. I feel so loved and cared about. (And, so guilty about pulling you all into this...?!!!?) But, anyway... thank you.
Thank you so much. Its weird cuz mom never tells me when she finds things like that and when she knows i'm purging, etc. Well... very rarely. Maybe I'm just assuming that she knows more. Well... I odn't think she usually knows about the pills/razors, but, this time, I know she waited a few days to tell me she found the pills. I think its kinda strange.
But, anyway, I'm not so mad. Kinda scared, but not mad. I guess I just got used to it because it wasn't brought up any more at all. So, it can be in the past. (Her looking through my stuff again.)
Again, thank you all for being so wonderful to me. You seriously brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart w/ a sense of being loved. I appreciate it and truely wish I could give that back to each and every one of you guys. But, I don't really think I possess that ability... Oh well...
Take care of you all...
Lotsa Love,
Jamie

[Lil_Tenacity]

hi jamie~ *hugZ!*

i just want to tell you to keep your head up and keep pressing on.
i know that one of the hardest things about recovery is dealing with the doubts that start creeping into your head when you start gaining weight. it's something that i'm dealing with right now, too.

but the anxiety is a part of the healing process! just have a teensy bit of patience... hold out just for a little bit, and those ED voices will pass away. they will come back to visit you from time to time as you continue to travel the road of HEALTHINESS, but every time you tell them NO and ignore them, they get a little bit weaker. you can defeat them. you are much stronger than they are...!

a lot of times i'll be like... "hmm... should i eat this meal, or skip?" or, sometimes, "should i exercise extra to get rid of those extra calories?" and ONE skipped meal, or ONE overexercise episode doesn't seem like much at the point. but then i remember that every time i let the voices win, i'm letting them back in the door. and i want to shut them out. i want to get BETTER! even if that means weighing a little more now. once i am all BETTER, i will be at a stable weight, i will be able to enjoy meals with people i love, and i will be much HAPPIER!

please don't give up. just remember that you aren't the only one fighting this fight. and just remember that many have fought before you, and won!!

and we're all rooting for you. *^_^*

lots of love to you.

[piscesfriend]

Hi again, I read your most recent reply in this thread, and I have more to add!

First of all, I'm glad our replys meant something to you. But you should NOT feel guilty for asking for support!!! That's the whole point of this website!!! :)

If you don't feel that you have the energy to support others right now, that's okay!!! We all have our times of need, and this is yours. All the fishy's want from you is to keep seeing your posts, and keep hearing about your life, and progress with kicking this demon. We love to hear from you, no matter what you're talking about!!! You're an important part of the :bowl and we love you!!!!

Take care and keep posting,

Amanda.

[Blondichic]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff

Dealing with the weight gain can be such a shock at first....just try to remember that in the long run it IS for the better, it IS your body telling you "I want you to feel good." Trust me, **** months ago I would have laughed at someone who told me that, but unbelievably I am kind of starting to really see it. :surprise

I also know how invasive it is when someone disrupts your privacy like that...but again, it is for the BETTER that it happened....without my former dorm-mates telling the RA that I needed help and calling me on my behavior, I don't think I would have seen in time how severe the problem was. So remember she is looking out for you because she cares!! Keep this in the back of your mind somewhere. I know it sounds hard to believe, but in time it will come more naturally. Please TAKE CARE! :happy
-Ames

[Chriszgirl]

:love Jamie :love

So sorry to hear about your bad days.....:sad "this too shall pass" :idea
I can see what you mean about your mom going through your stuff......nothing use to piss me off more than someone going through my stuff and and i still hate it to this day and i am twenty-four :ugh That will def cause me to fight:reallymad
I guess your mom is trying to protect you...though it's probably making the situation worse.....I too have not b/p ed for six days :happy I too have gained, but you need to think that is weight your body probably needs to work.....:idea I know how hard it is to accept the gaining, but writing in my journal helps:stars Do you journal at all? Well, you said diary, but maybe you should start a Grateful journal....thinking of all the positive things in life you do have.....:love must be one....if your mom did not care, she wouldn't be a snoop :cute
Hope things get better.....i'm prayin for you! :angel