Thought challenges...Help!

[taratwentysix]

moved from a/b recovery to pregnancy forum

Hello all,
I would first like to say that I have been doing so well inmy recovery process and I have been so proud of myself for all the changes that I have made, that it makes what I am going to say even more painful for me.:cry

I have even been debating over whether or not to post this cause Im not sure I want to change my thoughts.:confused OKay maybe thats not true "I" want to change my thoughts but Ed is completely resistant.

May trigger... mentions Ed behaviors....
I have been discharged from IOP and I am feeling very vulnerable! there I said it:zoinks I want to restrict, over exercise and exercise some more. I DO NOT want to gain wieght! I dont know how to accept it. All I can think about is the more I gain for this baby the more I will need to lose to get back to my "normal". which according to my discharge planning is not what they consider normal. I am having "Thin" dreams. I am in my mind glamourizing how wonderful it is and will feel to be thin again. Suddenly all my thoughts of this beautiful baby that I will soon be holding have been overtaking by thoughts of thinness!:cry End... May trigger

Shit I am so pissed at myself! I cant figure out how to challange these thoughts, And I really dont want to tell my Husband cause he has been so proud of me. I have been emailing my T, so I am reaching out in real time...Is this a natural thing to have happen after more intensive treatment? I mean I have been in treatment before but I never felt like I had made any head progress there so the fact that I was still totally ED focused when I left came as no suprise. But I just thought This time was different....

I am so bummed and this feels sooooo Hard!

Any ways to challange my thoughts would be appreiciated or just tell me I am not alone.. this is normal.

Love Tara

[nc]

Tara,

From my experience it is not that unusual right after discharge from an intensvie program to feel the urges grow stronger for a while. I think there is a lot of reasons for this, change in routine, loss of structured help, loss of extra support, loss of a safe environment, fear of being "out there alone", fear of carrying the responsibility of recovery more squarely on one's shoulders, less accountability, etc.

Why were you discharged so quickly? I know you have not been there that long, was there no option to continue the program longer?

I want you to think of all the things that are really frightening you and try to write about that rather than focusing on weight gain. Focusing on the weight gain is simply a way to distract yourself from what is really going on. I understand your body is changing a lot, it is not quite the same a restoring weight, but at the same time your intense focuse and fear of gaining the appropriate amount of weight with the pregnancy is a red flag that something much bigger is going on. Can you address some of that?

[taratwentysix]

nc,
thankyou for your quick response! I was there for six weeks and they felt that I was doing so well, much better then any other time that I had been there. I am pretty sure they didnt want to use up all my time (that the Ins. co. ) would allow because they are afraid that I may need it after I have the baby.

That said, last week if you had asked me I would have said I was more then ready to be discharged, I really think I have gotten all I can from the program. Yes the structure is what I will miss/still need but the group sessions, well I got all I could oot of them.

why is gaining the appropriate amount of wieght scaring me? Maybe because I hate feeling phyically incable of doing things. I hate not being perfect. I hate being tired from my usual activitys. ( I am a very ACTIVE Person). I started gatting very anxious at six this morning when I realized that I forgot to put my husbands work clothes in the dryer and it was to late to do it then. he didnt say anything ( maybe he did it last night before he went to bed) But I felt like a complete failure.... I look back and to feel like a failure over wet cloths is kinda silly but....

Extra wieght ..is just that extra wieght. Holding me down. Holding me back. preventing me from being free to move and run and rid myself of this all consuming anxitey. Extra wieght means stillness. I hate the stillness. My head starts to work to much and my thoughts overwhelm me. When I am moving I dont need to think, or maybe its just that I dont think.

Today it is so cold and windy here that I really shouldnt take my kids anywhere, and the the thouhgt of being stuck in this house with not enough to do to keep me busy is terrifiying. So maybe its the stillness, to me it means laziness and I detest laziness, I feel guilty for wathching TV:ugh

Did I answer the question? Im not sure.

Tara

[nc]

Yep, you answered the question. :winky

I have another one for you.

What scares you about stopping and having to deal with your thoughts? Where do your thoughts take you? Why do you feel the need to be so distracted from them rather than sitting and dealing with them so they might quiten down and go away?

(I guess that was a few questions, lol)

[taratwentysix]

nc,
I am going to try and reply, but I am not sure I have the answers. I read your response earlier and while I was working out I have been trying to think.

What scares me about having to stop and deal with my feelings?

I dont know. I have never been able to sit and just be. When I was in high school I had to totally emerse myself in sports or I would head straight to pot. ( the drug). I couldnt stand being me. What does being me mean... I wonder? I think I am so obessed with being active because it was the only thing I was ever really good at. I can excell at sports. I can always improve with sports... always work harder, to be better then I was or am. Others say that I am articulate and intelligent but I dont and cant see it.

Maybe I need to be phyically active because it gives me an immediate response. even if the improvements are only slight I can immediatly see it. Although the sense of accomplishment lasts for a very fleeting moment. I know that by pushing myself harder next time "that feeling" will once again be felt. I dont think that really answered the question but it has given me some insight.

Where do my thoughts Take me?

To all my failures, flaws and imperfections. I am unable to accept compliaments from ANYONE. Regaurding anything my looks, how much of a good mother I am, anything I do for others that is commeted on , I brush it aside as if it is not a big deal, anyone could do it and its not very important. My thouhgts take me to what I could or should be doing for others. Whether it be my for my children or others in my family or friends. I always feel as if I never can do enough. that is a very unsetteling thought/feeling, and it never seems to go away.

Why do I feel that I need to distracted from them?

Because they make me feel like shit. to be perfectly honest. It really sucks to never feel good enough. My husband comments on how sad it is that I am truely and honestly so afraid of dissapointing my children because I fear that they will not like me. I have no problem diciplining them but when it comes to something they dont understand like not having enough money for something they want. I feel aweful and am constantly appoligizing. this occurs with everyone not just my children but thats just how deep it runs. Honestly they never seem to go away I always feel inadequit.

Tara