Omg!!!

[mwkat]

Hey :bowl -

GRRRRR((( :reallymad ))) argg...Gosh...I guess I should get to the point. haha

OK, it all started last night. Well not ALL last night, mainly over the last few months or weeks. I do not get along w/ my parents and I have been growing farther apart from them. My mom tries to find out why I have been moody and is trying to act like my best friend. Last night I was just so mad, sad, frustrated, and depressed about my life and everything going on between my parents and I. I feel like I have no voice, I can never express how I feel for fear that they will contradict me or yell at me. It all blew up last night. We yelled and screamed for two hours. I was in tears..I told them that its hard for me to talk to them because for some reason I am afraid that the information that I give them...well they will use it against me. I am afraid that they will get really mad at me. That is if I told them what has been really going on in my life. I don't want them to know. I mean..i want privacy and I feel like if I tell them then they will know EVERYTHING about me. I won't have anything to myself..then they would probably treat me weird.
Ok, this whole fight thing w/ my parents probably is a little blurry since i didn't really explain it. What happened was that my mom said something to me and i reacted. Then dad came in after listening to our conversation..as always :reallymad I hate it when he does that..its not even between him and me. so he came in and started yelling at me..as always and I was like, "here we go again..verbal abuse." such as..your the one w/ the problem..you ruin our marriage..it always has to be something with you..your worse than your brother etc..(my brother..lol led a whole second life behind our backs..smoked..got bad grades..binge drinking) and yet...I"M WORSE than him... :mad Its weird..the whole time he was yelling at me..I was just zoned out. I heard everything he said but it was like I was looking at everything else from some other body. I was quiet. I didn't say anything. I just went to my room and sat in the dark by my window listening to dido. then my mom had to come in..she insisted upon talking to me. She threatened to not let me go on my two week trip and to go to the adolescent health center to find out what is going on with me. That really set me off and kinda scared me. I basically blanked out from there. I didn't answer most of her questions. THen she made us have a family meeting....grrrrr :reallymad :sad

I HATE THOSE ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT..THEY YELL AT ME..I HATE THEM SO MUCH...

there was a point in time where I was screaming at the top of my lungs at my dad just sobbing..i couldn't stop crying..most of my frustration came out at that point..he yelled back at me and the look in his eyes were horrible. I just cried and cried..my mom just sat there. They ended it when i said i'll try to be a better daughter..my mom then was all happy go lucky...but i couldn't stop crying..she didn't care though..I was emotionally drained ..but did she care..no.
I am in a daze now...i don't know what to do..
I don't know how to act..its just ..i don't know..confusing maybe.. :scared

I just need a hug :bounce :) hehe

:hugon :love :hugoff
mwkat

[*star]

:hugon:hugonmwkat:hugoff:hugoff
wow.. all i can say is wow.. i read your post like i could have written it myself. i completely understand about growing apart from your parents and mom trying to be your best friend and how they tell you you do nothing right :sad. gosh what a night for you huh? we all need to scream and cry sometimes to get those emotions out. i dont know what to tell you, but hope you feel better!!

[kat eyes]

:stars :hugon mwkat :hugoff :stars
:stars :hugon mwkat :hugoff :stars
:kiss
:stars :hugon mwkat :hugoff :stars
:stars :hugon mwkat :hugoff :stars


I just wish I could take the pain away....
at least I can give you :hugon :hugoff and a :kiss

[piscesfriend]

mwkat,

Wow. It just takes my breath away to read your post. It just makes me so angry that there are parents out there like that. I mean, telling you you're ruining THEIR marriage? :reallymad That's SO LOW! :reallymad Sounds like your dad needs to take a frikkin' hike. Does he have any substance abuse probs? I just wonder if your brother is taking his example, or just not dealing well (he drinks, you use the ED). Man, I just want to give you something to hold on to, because I know how bleak things can be in a situation like that.

I just want to say that you should NEVER blame yourself for your parents' problems. Your dad has some serious issues that I'm sure started long before you were born. As for your mom, sounds like she's afraid of your dad's reaction if she were to really listen to you or support you.

Also, please be aware that there are feelings besides anger. A lot of people deal with everything by getting mad. This is unrealistic. Your dad, for example, is probably aware, on some level, that something is seriously wrong in your life, and he's probably turning scared feelings into anger because he doesn't know how to tell you he's scared (macho). Your mom seems to have a bit more depth than your dad when he's not around, but seems to revert to his style (all anger) as soon as he enters into the conversation. This may be her way of protecting herself from his disapproval.

What I really want to say is that you should see a therapist, and eventually go to family therapy, but I know that a lot of people's parents are really REALLY clueless, and will never be able to fully understand the complexity of an ED. But I think that you will need the help of a therapist to at least tell your parents what is happening to you. A therapist can perhaps act as a neutral, doctor-like (more authority) go-between so that your parents can't misunderstand the nature of the illness and turn it into another thing you "do wrong" (extremely counter-productive).

What you absolutely must do is find a constructive way to deal with the abuse of your parents, and the abuse of the ED. If your friends don't know either, try to reach out to one of them (that you trust). Maybe they can help you to find a therapist, and things can go from there. Have faith in people's willingness to help you. There is a lot of love out there to be had, you just have to have the courage to reach out.

Sorry for the VERY long post, but your story cries out to me, and I can't bear to let it go by.

Amanda.