Wasted By Marya Hornbacher

[findtherainbow]

Anyone read this one? I read it a few months ago most parts of it I found really triggering but she did say some really good quotes near the end which I kept thinking about and did give me some inspiration to give recovery a go.

For example she said when you first go into recovery even if you dont believe you can do it or believe you want to do it just pretend you do and eventually you will.

She also said she thought she would give recovery a go and just started to eat her meal plan and thought to herself that at least she knew she could always go back to the ED if she wanted to in so many months time but chances are when you get that far into recovery you wont want to go back to where you have been xx

[frecklefacefishy]

:hugon findtherainbow :hugoff

Yes I read Wasted a few years ago. I personally didn't find it too triggering, but I could definitely see how it could be to others. I heard that it might be triggery, so I knew what to expect when I started reading it.

It's funny that you mentioned those quotes, because that is one thing that sticks out in my mind about this book. The part where she says that she could always go back to the ED if she wanted to. I remember reading it and thinking "No! The ED is bad!", but I realized that by giving herself "permission" to go back to it, it made her not want to. A little reverse psychology in terms of the ED can go a long way!

[reddecember]

I read it several years ago when I was deep into my ed and it was really, really triggering for me. I did love a whole bunch of her quotes though, and wrote them in my journal. I re-read it last year (when I was firmly into recovery) and it didn't trigger me. I guess it depends on where you're at and the reasons behind why you're reading it. I think I wanted to be triggered the first time I read it, therefore I was. Overrall, it's a good book but I do think the reader needs to be cautious. I think it's a good book for people who don't have eds also, to kind of give them an idea of what it's like for a lot of us.

[Krystine]

For me, alot of it was triggering, and I would be hesitant to recommend it to somebody with an ED. Except I liked the end when she redefines strength as taking care of herself and fighting the ED voice, and she also mentions not saying thankyou when a sales lady tells her the pants look "slimming" and that maybe she doesn't want to look like a model, maybe she wants to actually be healthy.
I agree with reddecember about it being a good book for people to understand what it's like though.

[Ingenue]

I have a love-hate thing going on with this book. I adore Marya's style of writing but, for me, it was definitely triggering. I was skeptical at first so I borrowed it from the library. I loved it, so soon after, I bought it....I returned it unread after lots of thought (it hadn't been read) and bought it back from the same store a couple days later :p I just started re-reading it. I've haven't been restricting in the past several months, maybe I'll have a differnent reaction this time.

[gone]

It's a decent book. The best part for me was seeing how much the author lost- her health, her life, her friends, her independence.

It was a wake-up call for me to get myself together and start living life, before I ended up in her position- a shorter life span, trouble having kids, health problems, etc.

It can be triggering, though, so watch out for that. It was mostly her use of numbers- her weight- and that was frequent, so I found that triggering the most.

[hellothere]

I actually just finished reading this book a few days ago and I'm glad I read it. Lately I've been exploring some of my behaviors from my earlier years and her writing helped me shed some light on WHY and HOW this thing started.

The main reason I read it was because I am going to be meeting her in a few weeks. She is coming to my school through a club in which I'm on the executive board and I am going to be one of the main people interacting with her during her stay. I'm REALLY excited to meet her.

My favorite part, something that made me cry and think and gain so much hope, is this:

"And yet you are all that you have so you must be enough. There is no other way."

[Cnidarian]

I purchased it when it first came out and have read it to the point where the binding needs a bit of repair!

In all honesty, I have read it at different times for different reasons. When I was actively pursuing my ED, I read it to deliberately trigger myself. At times I have read it for reference, trying to find a particular passage to share with my T or N when I couldn't find the words on my own accord. And most recently, to remind myself that I do NOT want to go back into the hell of anorexia.

I think now, after several years of recovery, this is my favourite quote from the book regarding giving up the ED and embracing recovery:

"There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. and there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier. (M.Hornbacher, wasted, page two hundred eighty six)"

I would advise any :fishy who has not read it and is considering doing so to evaluate her/his reasons for wanting to read the book before beginning it.

[Kelster]

Hey there :fishys,

I too bought this book the day it came out and it has come everywhere with me (pathetic, i know)

I did find it very triggering and for a long time, that is what it used it for- for "anorexic inspiration". I think the author would die if she knew that.

It is written soooooo well. I have used parts of it (quotes) to explain how i am feeling to my T. I highlighted parts of it and asked her to read the whole book. I think it is VERY insightful into eds. But, i would NOT recommend it to someone actively in an ed, or brand new to recovery. I think it is a bit too raw and easily triggers ppl.

I give Marya soooooooo much credit tho. I would LOVE to meet her- we need her to come to Ottawa~!!!!!!!! :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[LittleIdabee]

I also read "Wasted" and while I thought it was amazingly well written, insightful, and important for a better understanding of ED's, as a sufferer I found it extremely triggering and wouldn't recommend it to anyone who has not yet recovered.

Marya Hornbacher is an inspirational writer and I admire her very much for putting this book out there. I have told many people about it, and even got some people to read it from an educational perspective because I thought it really described the torment of an ED quite well. However, it is very graphic and she talks A LOT about behaviors and when I read it I found myself picking up 'tips' and wanting to act on the behaviors. Maybe in several years from now when I am better I can pick up the book and get something else from it, but for now I would say it isn't a very helpful read while I am struggling.

[MongrelCat]

When I was at my sickest, I loved Wasted. I'd read sections of it everyday while bingeing or to distract myself when I was hungry. Now that I'm in recovery I HATE HATE HATE that book and wish it would be pulled off the shelves and burned.

I just keep thinking, WHAT WAS MARYA THINKING? She claims she didn't realize how triggering it'd be, but um, she HAD an ED all those years, so how could she not??? I think it's horrible horrible horrible and would never recommend it to anybody w/ an ED. It's not recovery-oriented at all. The part that pisses me off the most is at the end where she says she is recovered when she isn't recovered in the least. She basically says that she wants to purge but doesn't because she doesn't want to hurt her husband. And that her husband is the one who convinces her not to eat rice cakes for dinner.

:mad :mad

A lot of the girls I know were obsessed with this book when they were sick, but now that they are trying to get better, they threw it away. I gave mine to an old therapist.

But I also know that people use it to trigger themselves on purpose, like I did. And that many people picked up little "tips and tricks" from it.

It is well-written. She's a talented writer. But this book does far more harm that good.

[frecklefacefishy]

I responded earlier, but I was just giving my personal experience with this book. I want to include my thoughts about recommending this book to others. I am in total agreement with all of you who have responded here...I would absolutely NOT recommend this book to someone who is not in a good place in their recovery.

I think it's a beautifully written and honest book, but I knew what to expect when I began reading it (a friend of mine who is recovered basically gave me a play by play of every single chapter!), and I had put off reading it for a long time because I knew that I was not in the right frame of mind to begin it.

However, I will say that I think it may be helpful for friends and family members to read, so that they may understand a bit of what we're going through from a first hand account. My best friend and my mom read it, and they both said that they had a greater understanding.

I just wanted to put in my two cents, since I wasn't very clear in my earlier post!

[bellydancer]

Now that I'm in recovery I HATE HATE HATE that book and wish it would be pulled off the shelves and burned.

I think it's important when discussing any book, film, etc., that just because something is triggering to you does not mean that it is an invalid work. It's important for everyone to learn what their boundaries are, and those boundaries differ from person to person.

I don't recall the author claiming she was fully recovered at the end of the book. I do recall her saying that she was in a much better place than she had been a few years earlier, but that she continued to struggle. I think a lot of people are in that place. It doesn't make what they have to say invalid.

[borboleta]

I read it and found it to be very triggering too. I basically emailed my N and told her I didn't have AN because I didn't reach as low a weight as she did. My N said she would have never recommended that I read it.

I think Marya actually relapsed after writing the book. I wonder how she feels about the book now and what she'd say about the fact that so many ED sufferers find it triggering.

borboleta

[December]

I have a different take on this. I read it a couple of years ago and I found it not in the least bit triggering. On the contrary, I felt like I didn't want that life anymore, that it would only bring me misery and deprivation and a feeling of desperation. I can, however, see why others would find this a difficult book to read; for me, it didn't rose-tint BN or AN, in fact it seemed to underscore the horrific reality of 'wasting away'.

All that being said, I wouldn't recommend this book to someone with an ed, simply because I know that the usual response is to be tirggered.

December

[grounded dreamer]

I read this about a month ago, and, while I did find it triggering, it was one of the many things that made me realize that I needed to 'come clean' and get help before I got to the point she was at. Admittedly, I did find myself comparing my ED to hers (and, of course, finding my behaviors lacking), but I thought she did a good job of not glorifying the her EDs. As others have said, it just depends on your state of mind when you read it.

[Coffeejunkie]

I have read it over and over again. The pages are all dog eared. For the longest time I used it to feed my eating disorder. It lived under my bed and I would read it in bed before I feel asleep and think that going to bed hungry was normal and okay. It still lives under my bed and somedays I pick it up but it doesn't seem to have the power it once did. Maybe because I am older now and see how ridiculous it seems, maybe because I am part of the health care field and understand the frustration that the nurses are having with her. I don't know.

[diamond in the rough]

I read it years ago and it was triggering. An ED counselor I used to see called it one of the most triggering books out there and took the book away from one girl I know.

[peepapie]

[FONT=Verdana][COLOR=Magenta]
Hello :bowl

Wasted was the first "ed" book I ever read, before I even had a clue that I was struggling....I found it triggering to an extent and "learned"(not put into action, just learned" a lot from it about life with an ED and how it can absolutley destroy you if you do not seek help. Her recovery in the book was incredible. To go from where she was and back...but I believe she didn't stay as recovered or whatnot....anyone else heard anything along those lines? I found her writing style to be beautifully written. I enjoyed her insights and found that she knew a lot more about herself than she probably realized.

I just re-read it a couple of months ago...just as riveting, but not quite as "triggering".

[Thaleia]

'Wasted' was one big huge trigger for me...I read it when i was first losing myself in the grips of mye ating disorder and reading it again is enough to make me relapse...i would not recommend it if you are easily triggered

[Benz]

I can't say there are many ED related books that aren't somehow triggering to me, and that is because of my mind, not the book itself.

Marya is/was a writer - so whether she knew or didn't know if her book would be triggering to ED sufferers, she still had the right to write a story if she felt compelled to do so (she shoudn't deny what she's passionate about (writing) as a livelihood). Her story is a really powerful and intersting look at a life and family. I appreciate it purely on that level.

If you are someone who triggers yourself with this book, if it were pulled off the shelfs, you'd have a gazillion other pubications to turn to to trigger yourself with.

Has anyone ever read SMASHED? It's recently published and I found it very, very similar in style and format to WASTED. It's focus is alcoholism in college aged women but there is a ton of social commentary about women in general (small mention of ED at one pt) and I found it to be moving and inspiring. I recommend it - nothing triggering throughout - just very similar to Marya's style and powerful, blunt voice and I think important in it's honesty about some of the behaviors of women and teenaged girls. Would love to hear what anyone else thought.

[queendani]

Wasted was amazing. I recommended it to some friends because I enjoyed it so much. Like some of the other :fishy, I personally didn't find it triggering, but I think it was the way I approached the book: I knew Marya was writing from a standpoint of "this is NOT how I want to live my life anymore" and so when I read it, I didn't feel any of it was "thinspiring".

[paintbox]

Has anyone ever read SMASHED? It's recently published and I found it very, very similar in style and format to WASTED. It's focus is alcoholism in college aged women but there is a ton of social commentary about women in general (small mention of ED at one pt) and I found it to be moving and inspiring. I recommend it - nothing triggering throughout - just very similar to Marya's style and powerful, blunt voice and I think important in it's honesty about some of the behaviors of women and teenaged girls. Would love to hear what anyone else thought.
Yes! Totally agree with you. Smashed was very well written.

With Wasted, I wasn't triggered by it, but I did think it was incredibly graphic. I do wish that she'd included less numbers (she mentions her weight often).

[openmyeyes]

I cant read this book either, because of the triggering parts and behaviours, though I can see if someone is recovered and they read it, it would be a positive about recovery, and NOT going back into the ED.

I think that way with a lot of ED related autobiography books. Sometimes I think - this is a good book for someone who has NEVER had an ED to read, and give them insight to the daily struggle that people with EDs go throguh.

I mentioned in another post that I found Bronte Cullis' book (Bronte's Story) extremely triggering to me, and can only read it with a "this is why i WANT to recover - so I dont go through that again" attitude. When I am in a relapse and sick with anorexia, I cant read the book (except the ending where she is recovered).

But I gave the book to my mum to read, and since then she has been the biggest strength in my recovery because she is has a better understanding of whats in my head, rather than just seeing the illogical outside behaviours.

[findtherainbow]

Yes I know part of me read the book as I was looking to be triggered which wasnt a good idea as it did trigger me! But it was still a good book i thought especially towards the end xx

[jezzie]

hi fishies :gimmehug

wow everyone has such strong opinions on this!! :winky I have not read the entire book yet, simply because I knew that it would be triggering for me. I attempted to read it a few years ago (probably to trigger my e/d), but the better part of me knew it was a bad idea, so I gave it back to the library :cheesy And then a few weeks ago, I decided "hey I am in a better place now, I should read it!"---and again, I started, and I realized I was comparing myself WAY too much to Marya and I talked about it with my T and she made it clear that the book isn't going to go away, I can read it whenever I want. So, why not read it when i'm older and am actually recoverED. :igotit :sly I am happy with my decision!
I feel sort of bad for Marya because so many people have had bad experiences concerning her book.

The library must think I'm crazy because I keep checking out the same book and returning it in a few days :muhaha

:love Jessica

[Shuffleboard Queen]

I loved her writing style. That girl can write.

I don't, however, recommend it to people. There are some sections that are quite profound...the rest doesn't...well...help me out very much.

And jezzie? I worked at a library in high school...the librarians won't notice a damn thing! :muhaha

[runnergurl]

I read this book, when i was reallllllllllly sick.
Wasnt a good idea.
I was really triggered.

But with that said, i think its totally about the place that you are in.
I highlighted sections of it, were i could relate to what she was saying.
She is such a prefound writer, that it was such an easy way to tell my therpist what i needed or felt. It spelled things out in my head for me.

So, now that I am in a *better* place i am thinking about reading it.

Jezzie, im sure the librarians are crazy too, its okay :sarcasm

[Jennnifer]

I haven't read the book, but I did see an interview with her on TV and what came through to me was that she seemed..... defeatest. Like she has attained a certain level of recovery and doesn't feel she can get past that point..... like complete recovery is not going to happen for her and so she has to walk the line between where she isn't engaging in behaviors, but still fights the tendencies by actively thought-stopping and working on understanding where the desires stem from.

I just thought is was kinda sad... almost like she's given up on the idea that complete recovery is possible for her.

I'm not taking a shot at her... other than that one interview, I know nothing about her. But I have to imagine that this mindset must come through in her writing?

If anyone thinks I'm totally off, please do let me know. :love

[batears]

Jennifer~
I just finished her book (for the hundred millionth time) and that was the impression I got, thats what I was thinking-that she has reached a 'level' of recovery, she is 'improved' but that it is really just an ED in check- and that she might fall into it again at any given moment, that she is not on deaths door, but she is not fully in belief that she will forever give up the ED.

[chinapink]

Just a random note: I have heard that she is actually doing really well. :cheesy I think what is different about "Wasted" is that it was written more for a general audience (even non-ed folks have at least heard of it) than particularly for recovering individuals. Thus, she has written a graphic, detailed, and HONEST (but I think amazing in terms of literary style) account of her journey. What she wrote then was true for her then, although as we all know, recovery can be a LOOONG process. I applaud her for being so courageous to write her truth, however incomplete or even sad it might have been at the time. But, yeah, it is definitely a hard read for someone who has been (or is currently) there.

[springflower]

Jennifer,
In response to your question, the very end of the book kind of leaves her at that point, but the whole rest of the book is just a very REAL and very SCARY accounting of her ED. She kind of just tells it like it is. At the point of finishing the book I think she was teetering on the edge of relaps and happiness, but that's where she was at that time and it was about her. I prefer that to her thinking that she could magically recover. Apparently she is doing better.

I thought it was great just because it was so honest. I don't like books that talk about the ED and then all of a sudden it is cured. It really goes into the depths of the disease and how awful it is. For me, it was incredibly UNtriggering, because I had always kind of glamorized my ED, how I would look, how I would feel, how other people would react. This book does NOT make me want to have an ED. I never wanted to be seen as "sick" or "messed" up. To me the ED kind of represented power, self control, but the reaction I had to her thoughts, ideas and actions was that I was turned off by them. Who wants to be viewed like that? I guess I am thankful I never got to such a low point where my life was so disrupted and also in such a hopeless place.

[I am Strong.]

Yeah, I watched a special on E! called "Starving for Perfection" awhile ago, and she was featured on it. She sounded pretty stable in recovery... just thought I'd let everyone know.
Jordan.

[Jennnifer]

I think that's the interview I saw her on... E!'s special. The one with the girl named "Peach" and we talked about it on the current events board. But I think someone said the interview was from a prevous date and not an interview for E! for that specific program??

[rafferty]

I read the book when it first came out.... and I wasn't triggered by it.... but more disturbed by it. The level of introspection and absorption in the whole 'life of an eating disorder' just somehow disturbed me.

I thought she was very insightful.... very honest.... but I don't think I LIKED the book.

I tried to re-read it just a few weeks ago - but found I couldn't. I whole 'lost weight/gained weight/purged/not purged' cycles described in great detail.... and i kept thinking.... why do I need to KNOW this??? How is the detail going to help anybody?? So I put it away without finishing it....

She a talented writer.... but the personal story of an eating disorder just isn't a very interesting or useful story..... but that's just my opinion. I figure if I've had to live with an eating disorder - reading about one in a book is just torture I can live without!!

:love
:stars rafferty :stars

[dependant_on_hugs]

I think that it's a really hard one to gauge. Realistically, if red flagging things in RT was possible, we'd being doing it all the time. All I know is that when you buy the book or take it out from the library you KNOW what it's going to be about. The complete title is "Wasted - Coming Back from an Addiction to Starvation". If you don't want to be triggered then clearly, don't read it. If you want to read it, be prepared that it will be vvvv triggering. I don't think it's fair to judge it because of the choice we all made in buying it.

Whilst many parts of it are quite hard to take, it is also incredibly honest about the medical and emotional effects she suffered. So at least she never tried to go with the "popular culture" stance like some forms of media have when dealing with EDs (Degrassi anyone??????????). She clearly tries very hard not to attach blame to anyone or anything.

Jealousy is a big part of ED. I know that when I read some of the passages I am incredibly jealous of the little she ate and the stamina she had, but that's MY ED talking, not the book. So that's my responsibility to work through those issues.

There are so few books about ED that have really hit home for me. This one did in many ways. I am always sad when I pick it up again because I feel as though I'm looking for a solution in the book that can only be found in myself. But that's part of what recovery is all about.

[RubyTearDrop]

I thought "Wasted" was a great book, with an apt title. Not just the ED, but her use of drugs, alcohol, casual sex...she really was wasting away. The parts about her self-induced miscarriages were especially painful to read. I just wanted to cry for her.

I have to admit, though, that I did enjoy the scene where she told off the therapist who couldn't even get her name right. "It's Marya, you fuck!" :muhaha That was hilarious.

Anyway, good read, but yeah, it can be triggering.

[littleroom]

I am trying to read this book right now. I've had it in hardcover for years and only now have picked it up. I am on the fence with her style of writing though. I find that it is somewhat choppy. Did anyone fine that when reading it?

I am still giving it a go though.


--- littleroom

[amidstchaos]

I finally found this book over the summer in a NYC bookstore . . . I spent a few hours in a corner reading, and was absolutely immersed. At the time, I was in the midst of reclaiming my ED, and at the same time trying to let it go. After I returned home, I bought the book and read it through once, and again, and again. I cannot say that it was triggering, but I will say that my compulsion to read it was much stronger when I was making myself throw up every day.

Marya's voice, as a writer, reminds me very much of my own. Reading Wasted was much like hearing myself talk about my experiences - though they have not been as extensive as Marya's. I loaned the book to a friend, and she said immediately that she felt like she was "listening" to me as she read. Wasted reminds me of the book I would write, if I were to write one -- though of course, this has already been written. I have half of the book underlined and comments written throughout. It is one of my favorite books by far - and I have read a good few.

As a work of art, I was deeply impressed. As a telling of the hell that is an eating disorder, I do not know what else she could have said. I too recommend this book, but as something to appreciate -- not to gain tips or behaviors.

[Geneveive]

I have had "WASTED" for several years now and I have to admit it's one of my favorite books but for a few reasons. I absolutely love :supergrin Marya's writing style. It really IS unique and throws all conventions out the window.
I was so excited to come across her book in Chapters that day that I remember I couldn't believe my eyes when I was reading what the book was about. Little did I know what torment the book would come to hold for me.

Of course I have never thought of it as torment. But the book has been a trigger for me, a distraction from food and hunger for me at different times. I've compared myself to her and also found a lot of similarities which has comforted me sometimes.
At others I can read it and it doesn't really seem to trigger me, I just enjoy reading it.
I really like all the different quotes of various authors she has included in it at the beginning of chapters here and there especially the one about fire and ice.
A friend of mine actually found the author Marya reading "Wasted" on tape at her library and conveniently decided not to return in and we've spent hours listening to her as we go to sleep. Probably not the best idea.


I do not recommend this book to anyone with an ED. When I was in treatment I saw a young patient, just thirteen, just beginning the book one morning, and I ripped it from her hands!! I could not believe anyone would have given that to her. I explained as delicately as I could why I did not want her to read that book. Luckily she accepted my explanation. She was a real sweetie. Then I returned the book to who gave to her and also gave that individual another little explanation.

There are a lot better books out there on eating disorders for people to read. A good one I have is called I think "Anorexia Nervosa: A Guide to Recovery" possibly by Karen Way. Someone is borrowing it right now. Also the Anorexia Workbook: How to accept yourself, heal your suffering and reclaim your life

Geneveive

[ilyforever]

i first read this book in the beginning of my school yr when i checked it out of the library.. i was fourtee*n at the time and i didnt understand like what half the words she wrote ment haha but i re-read it carefully and understood. i do have to say that when i looked at how you guys all said it was triggering it made me think of how bad my bulimia got when i was reading it...its not as bad now that im not reading it? so i guess it was triggering to me. anyway i think its a good book but like every**** else said i wouldnt reccomend it with someone who isnt recovered.. [im still not recovered so it goes for me too]. i want to read it again once i am though.

[mnkymj]

I have read Wasted and love Mayra Hornbacher. I even bought her new book, Center of Winter which is not ED related and I honestly didn't care too much for it, but still hold her high in respect for Wasted.

I really liked Wasted and had read the warnings about the book being triggering. I will say that even though I was trying to let the book help me, there were triggering parts and things I still think about that she said she did to this day. I have read the book twice and both times was not in a good place in recovery. I'm probably the furthest I have been in recovery now and have just wrote down quotes from end of the book when she talks about how life is boring and we have our own drama with our ED and what we can take away from everything is we are thin. "Whop-de-****-dee." I always liked that. It makes me think of when i was in high school when my boyfriend wanted to break up with me and I had seen the girl he wanted to be with. My first thought was "I'm thinner then her though!" It's not about being thin!! All this drama and we are thin and never happy. What kind of life is that. It helps me to remember that life can be more that my own little drama if I let it.

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone struggling with an ED but have given out copies of the quotes I wrote down that are inspiring. :happy

[fencingfrog]

i just read wasted, and i am so motivated! i thought it might trigger me, but im not easily triggered (my ed hates that:muhaha ) so i thought it was ok for me to read. i was like, she weighed that and her dr didn't care!? but it got me thinking about my life and now i am really motivated to recover. funny, i think im the only one that had that reaction to the book. whatever :sarcasm

but the funny thing is that when i was still in pre-recovery mode, the best little girl in the world was SOOOOO triggering! but it was definitly less graphic. go figure.

i also liked the way marya hornbacher wrote wasted. to me it depicted the ed very well, becasue it was so chaotic but also detailed. if that makes any sense at all.

[AmyG]

I read Wasted several years ago and I related to her story a lot. At the same time I found it very triggering. I highlighted the things in her story that reminded me of my struggle. Yet, I reread it when I wasn't doing well and had that need to read about the illness. I think Marya is a very talented writer. Lastb year I read her novel and thought it was very well written.

[desiderata]

I read Wasted when it first came out. At that time, I was very interested in reading about eating disorder topics. I remember finding her kind of fascinating and disturbing at that time. But there was also a sense of familiarity too, especially at the end of the book. I also remember actually particiapting in an aol chat with her which was interesting. I know I asked a question and she did answer, but I don't remember what it was.

I haven't read it in quite awhile, but I'd probably think about it differently. It's not one I recommend to people and most kind of just find it either way. I do think she has a unique writing style.

Dae

[ihatelife]

This is a great book but i do think it depends on where you are at in recovery. I know at the place where i was IP we were not allowed to have the book. I have also people say that it was triggering. I know that when i relapse i read the book.

[ShepherdMoons]

I loved this book at my SICKEST.

In some parts I can't tell if she's telling a story or bragging about herself.

I also read it whenever I relapse.

[Tiffy]

I love Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and it is by far my favorite book. I've read it a handful of times now and it never ceased to amaze me what she has went through and what she has overcame. This book did trigger me, however, but I don't think that I read it for the purpose of triggering me, but more so I found Marya someone I could relate to in many ways with my eating disorder. I'm looking forward to reading The Center Of Winter by Marya, too, because I also love her writing style. :love -Tiffany

[Jali]

Like many people, I read this book repeatedly when ill - now that I'm more or less recovered I wouldn't ever think of picking it up.

Regarding it being triggering, Marya wrote something to the effect of She would do anything to stop others going where she went and the only think she could think of was writing the book.
And to me, that rings true. The sf boards are full of that kind of logic: tell people what not to do, say how awful it is, don't go there, I've been there and with terrible consequences, etc. And it's all offered with the best intentions.

Fact is, by the time someone is reading Wasted or visiting SF it's usually too late. The obsession is already there and people are no longer amenable to logic. Our brains latch on to all the wrong things and we're triggered left, right and center.

I've heard that there's some nasty negative and triggering stuff out there, and there are certainly some books/articles which focus exclusively on recovery, but I think the vast majority of ED reading material is inherently both triggeringly or inspiring, depending on the mind of the person reading it.

[Athena Rose]

This is a really beautifully written book and Marya is an intelligent and insightful woman, as well as inspirationally determined.. the kind of consuming passion that characterizes the greatest souls of history, I guess. She takes it to an extreme that few others 'accomplish', and her reliving the experience for the reader is really triggering for someone with an active or incipient ED because she is everything they want to be. Even the insanity was appealing to me. I always liked the drama of being crazy, and damn it she played that role so well.

I found this book so absorbing, but it inspired me in all the wrong ways. Guiltily, because I believe she meant well and it's like a gun right...? In the hands of some people it protects the innocent, but if you insist on playing russian roullette...

[chloesmum]

Like many people, I read this book repeatedly when ill - now that I'm more or less recovered I wouldn't ever think of picking it up.

Regarding it being triggering, Marya wrote something to the effect of She would do anything to stop others going where she went and the only think she could think of was writing the book.
And to me, that rings true. The sf boards are full of that kind of logic: tell people what not to do, say how awful it is, don't go there, I've been there and with terrible consequences, etc. And it's all offered with the best intentions.

Fact is, by the time someone is reading Wasted or visiting SF it's usually too late. The obsession is already there and people are no longer amenable to logic. Our brains latch on to all the wrong things and we're triggered left, right and center.

I've heard that there's some nasty negative and triggering stuff out there, and there are certainly some books/articles which focus exclusively on recovery, but I think the vast majority of ED reading material is inherently both triggeringly or inspiring, depending on the mind of the person reading it.


Beautifully written!! :yay

One thing I have to disagree with though is your putting out of the phrase "too late".

The only people for whom it is too late are the dear ones who have departed from this world due to their ED.
I truly believe that all of us here have the potential to be recovered.
What has helped me more than that book (which I DID in the past find horribly triggering) was to look inward, and seek the strength inside myself that I knew was there.... and looking at it from a different perspective.

Instead of living in a constant backward-looking and -thinking state of mind (suffering from an ed) or even in a current state of mind (recovering from and ed) I decided I would live as if I were recovered. To truly imagine, visualize, close my eyes and see myself ED FREE and I have had absolutely the most amazing week of my life.

I think we need to stop focusing on the past so much and all the reasons WHY we are who we are, WHAT we have done what we have done....
I think a better approach would be to live proactively and learn to be kind to ourselves now and tomorrow; to forgive, be thankful for the good and for the lessons that bad has taught us and the wonderful, dynamic people it has made us today... and how even more wonderful, and strong we will be tomorrow.

Living in backwards thinking mode for me only perpetuates the past. If I'm constantly thinking about how I screwed up yesterday, or earlier today, then I will deal with it in the only negative coping mechanism I have set up for that: the ED.
But if I just look forward, and believe with everything that I am recovered from this point onward and ask, pray, meditate, believe on that fact, then that is what will manifest itself in my life.
So far I am so happy.... happier than I have been in forever. We should all look forward and to all that tomorrow has to offer us. The prospect and the POSSIBILITIES of tomorrow are endless.... the past has already been defined and knowing it's not a place or a feeling we enjoy, why go there? I say don't question the idea of looking forward.... question yourself how you can embrace the good feelings and forward thinking in your life and as much as possible harness that great energy for yourself to become recovered. :love

Dietrie

[MongrelCat]

In some parts I can't tell if she's telling a story or bragging about herself.



Same problem I have. And I don't blame her. It's a really common behavior with EDs to go, "Look how bad I was/am!"

But even past the bragging, it seemed like she was exaggerating some of the stuff for dramatic effect. I felt like I had to take a lot of passages with a grain of salt like, maybe it did actually happen, maybe it didn't. And certain passages I'm just like, yeah fucking right. But that's a right you have as a writer and we have to expect that as a reader. We all remember the A Million Little Pieces controversy.

[beautyhurts_]

I'm actually currently reading "Wasted." It was very triggering for me and I consider myself someone who is not easily triggered by outside sources. I normally somehow trigger myself, as odd as that sounds. Even though I'm not done reading, I am really enjoying the book and feel as though it really describes an eating disorder well. It's the first book I've come across that actually can take someone who has never had an eating disorder into the shoes of someone who does. I really think it gives amazing insight to the world of eating disorders to someone who is a loved one of a sufferer.

[monclaire]

I found this book to be incredibly self-indulgent. I also found myself thinking throughout it, "This girl is NOT recovered." It just felt sick to me, the way she wrote about her ED. Like the way you would talk about an ex-lover you still have feelings for.

After I finished the book I learned that she had relapsed several years after writing it, had divorced her husband, married another guy, divorced him, married another guy, and divorced him. I just had the feeling that she still had problems.

But I do appreciate her honesty and the fact that she brought a lot of awareness to the world about EDs.

[Twisting]

I haven't actually read this. But I just looked it up on Amazon, and was interested to see that the most recent edition comes with the quote 'Wasted is a book that can save lives' on the cover. This seems to contradict what a few people have been saying about how it's not designed for sufferers specifically, or as a recovery manual. If it's as triggering as an overwhelming number of people here say (and again, haven't read it so I can't personally judge), can it really be OK for the publishers to market it as a life-saver for sufferers? I'm sure they'll make more money with this quote on the cover, but it seems more than a little dangerous to me based on what I've read here...

[indigokaren]

i have a love/hate relationship with this book.

in many ways, i find it to be very triggering.

however, i love marya's writing style. i love how she fearlessly tells her story. i often recommend this book to friends of mine who don't have EDs so that they can kind of get an understanding of what i have gone through my entire life. i have never been as sick as marya (and that's another reason i have some love for this book. it scared me, and forced me to get help before i came to the point of almost dying...), but i think this book really tells an honest story of what it's like to live with an ED.

[monclaire]

I think this book is best for non-sufferers and family members. I guess it could save lives if family members of ED sufferers read it and become aware of EDs and start to take them seriously. Marya's own parents didn't really take her ED seriously at the beginning, or even after she had been I/P the first time. It exposes a lot of the tricks people use to hide their behavior, and could possibly alert parents to the beginnings of dangerous behaviors in their kids. I think it was written for the non-ED person and is best that way.

[Living For Horses]

I have a copy of this book but have not read it yet.

When I was in residential last summer, my best friend gave me a copy of it believing it was a good recovery book. She came to visit me and brought it with her - I didn't think it was any big deal but the next thing I knew it was taken from my room as "contra-ban" (I'd never heard of the book at that point, so what did I know.)

I started it but at the time I was not ready to continue - I believe I am at a point in my recovery where I could now finish it. It's on a loooooooooooooooooong list of books to read next to my bed.

[sprecato_vita]

I actually love this book. I don't find it all that triggering now, but when I am struggling it can be negative. I think it's how you look at it and where you're at.

I think she's such an incredible writer with good insight and an awesome sense of humor. I wouldn't reccommend it for anyone who is active in their eating disorder though.

[Miami_girl]

oh this book...like some other people already said love/hate relationship. I have not even taken a look at this book since seventh grade, I am now a senior in college. I don't remember a lot of books that I had read in high school, none the less middle school. But, that one, yes I remember that one. It was like my little bible back then, I wanted to be her, not the good her but the one with the problems. I dont think it would be triggering for me now, espically since I am ********&#********; recovered, but I still dont think I could bring myself to pick up...funny maybe that should be my test to see if I have recovered. Anyway, it was something that had a huge signifinance in my life. That is the hate.
The love is that even though I read it many moons ago, I do remember how she wrote. It was great and very elegant. I am an advertising major and I have to do alot of writing, I love to write and read good writing and she is on my top list. Also, as many have said her sense of humor is great.

[FSUblondie]

I have read Wasted many times, both when I was at my worst and a little after I was recovered. I found it very triggering and got a much different view from it when I read it while I was in recovery- more of a sadness over it.

I know it's difficult to write anything about eating disorders without having it be triggering, however I do think she took it too far. I feel that the same message and impact could have been made without the constant relay of her weight and such.

I have also actually met Marya. She came to my college two years ago for National Eating Disorder's Week. It was a mess. First off she was supposed to fly in and come to a discussion dinner with a few select people, and then do a presentation that was open to anyone. Aparantly her flights were delayed so she missed the dinner and was late to the presentation. That was all fine then...until we discovered that she had infact changed her flights in order to come in later. That annoyed me because well of course I'm going to think that she did that in order to miss the dinner. I know that's an asumption that I hate when people make, but I couldn't help but think that. When I saw her it was obvious that she was still struggling. Her presentation was just reading some parts from her book- of course it seemed like she had to read the most triggering parts. Overall it was very uninspiring and a disapointment. Even though I was in recovery, I came away feeling hopeless....which changed into frustation because what she read focused so much on the weight, behaviors, and everything that the media already portrays about ED's. I felt her presentation was simply shock value for people who have no idea about ED's...not really promoting any awareness. *sigh* Ok I'm done ranting.

[onafallenstar]

I also have a love/hate relationship with this book. I read it for the first time when I was fourte.en(I'm si.xteen now) and I remember it being really triggering, really straight forward, and really well written. I was really sick when I read it, and I don't remember how it affected my ED. I don't really remember much at all.

I saw an interview with Marya Hornbacher, and she said that she more or less did regret writing Wasted. She said that she would have taken a different approach to it if she were more recovered when she wrote it. She's been in recovery for a while now, and considers herself to be totally recovered, not just recovering.

I think she's brilliant. I think her writing style is incredible. She's a very talented writer, and she really does portray the horror of an eating disorder as...well...horror, and she does it very realisticly. There were many times while reading this when something would stand out and I'm thinking that I could have written it myself. That said, it was very triggering. But I also think that almost all books about eating disorders are triggering.

It was in my high school library, and I was tempted to check it out and never bring it back. I didn't, but I didn't like the fact that it was out there. Two reasons: a) it isn't good for a person who is sick/fresh in recovery and b) I was afraid that random girls in my high school would read it and totally misinterpret it or that it was more exposing for me than anything.

It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meadner from sick to mostly well....You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I've found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happens, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stich them together, wherever they fit. And when you are done, you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.

[SarahJade]

Wasted.... hmm... I read it at a time when I was completely immersed in my ED and it (unfortunately) gave me quite a few new ideas for ways to deceive my family (and myself at the same time).

I'm still no where near recovered enough to read Wasted without being triggered, which is a shame because I really love it.

I agree with everyone who thinks it would be a good book for relatives/friends of sufferers to read because it does an excellent job of describing what life is like for many people with eating disorders.

[indigokaren]

i agree that marya hornbacher is brilliant and is an excellent writer.

i'd love to see/hear more from her now that she says she is recovered. maybe a follow up memoir?

[p.nut]

This book is so triggering...although she's a brilliant writer, she HAD to have been sick when she wrote it because it is so 'in the brain of an ED'..she mentions at the end that she still has an ED, not specified..maybe that's why because she praises the illness and also mocks herself and her behavior a lot. she definately has a lot of insight.

[Feak]

I liked it. She is very insightful, and I love her writing style. I thought it was brilliantly honest. I think a lot of the problems people have with the book stem from that, which I find sad. I can completely understand how some people wouldn't get on with her writing style though.

[Athena Rose]

Hi all!

I just needed to revive this thread to let you all know that Marya has an onlne blog where she talks to her readers about Wasted, and her newer novel, Center of Winter.

It's here: http://maryahornbacher.bravejournal.com/

I clipped something she said in her answer to some of the questions (she is so busy and seems to reply to each and every comment, which is almost as inspiring as the fact that she seems to be totally recoverED... :happy)

She said:

"Anyway, what a great bunch of emails these past few days. Again, I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear that Wasted has put the seed of recovery in some people's head, and that they know it can be done. IT CAN, and it honestly just takes time, real determination, help from others, and most of all, a cessation of symptoms. That's right. You've really got to make the choice to stop restricting, stop binging and purging, in order to get the rest of the things you want—in short, a better, fuller life. When you stop the symptoms—I know it's hard, but it really is your choice, and you can make it—once you get ahold of the symptoms, the rest will come: that feeling of freedom, self-confidence, and self-respect. The feeling that your life is becoming more clear to you, and that you have the power to shape it. The thrill of being able to diminish the power of the eating disorder over you, and gaining power over it. Eventually, you become able to open up and make friends. You can come back from even the loneliest place. You can work again. You can truly participate in your life, and direct it where you want it to go.

In my experience, AND in the research, getting ahold of and getting rid of the symptoms is definitely the first and absolutely necessary first step toward health. It's hard for your self-respect to come back while you're still tearing yourself apart. And I swear, once you let go of the behaviors, you actually, honestly begin to respect and accept your body. And you also begin to feel safe around food.

The more you are able to stare your eating disorder symptoms down, the more you are able to take the power of them for yourself."


I'm inspired.

Check it out for yourselves...

(She's got a discussion coming up in the next few days.. not sure if I should tell ya'll..we'll wear the poor lady out!)

[pumpkin_baby]

i love the way that she writes.

I bought this book when i was sick and it did not help me.

i think that was because of my mind state though and it was definatly worth a read.

[pumpkin_baby]

Marya Hornbachers other book is brilliant too.

The book is honest and i cant belive that she has a message board.


I have wanted to say thanx for her writing for years now... Wasted was my bible when i was sick and it made me feel like less of a freak for my behavior.

[sourpunchtrooper]

i have read this book so many times that i wore out my first copy and i'm now on my second one.
i can't even verbalize how connected i felt to her whole struggle. especially everything around her lying to her family and friends in order to hide what was really going on.
the whole book is just amazingly powerful

[granville]

i've just finished the book

its great. by far the best book i've read about eating disorders.

i laughed quite a bit. there's a really funny section about the weird dietary choices people with EDs make - stuff like eating loads of spices, salt and munching gum

it really hits the nail on the head in terms of describing the utter madness of eating disorders, the lunacy that few people really can understand.

i didn't really like the end because it didn't really wrap things up which is what i wanted. of course that never happens in recovery does it?

[fulltimepinklady]

weird. i am in the smack dab middle of this book-never heard of it before today and i am pretty much immersed in it. shes got a lot of truth and hard core facts ab the reality of EDs but a lot of it can be triggering too. it is better to read it after or further along the recovery process. all in all though, i think she gives a lot of insight to outsiders who are looking to understand people, especially young girls, with EDs. :shy

[lovehurts]

im reading "wasted" right now and have stopped because i found it to make me want to stop eating all over again. it has to many things in the book that make me wanna slip again.

[timetobe]

I think what sticks with me from this memoir, over and above the author's searing intelligence, and some memorable quotes, is the true HORROR of ed's. The very graphic descriptions of the massive health complications the author faced, the problems she still faces, woke me up a LOT. But, funny how Hornbacher said this herself in "Wasted" - I still sometimes think that those "side-effects" will affect others and not me.

I am very glad to say that I have never been to the depths that Hornbacher went, and I hope to never go there. It was a frightening book for me, but also thought-provoking.

[septangel]

I read this book when I was already far along in recovery so it didn't trigger me. Forgive me if I am way off on this but, there were a few things that really really bugged me about it. She described a lot of behaviors. The whole book was behaviors but I felt that she was really holding back on FEELINGS. I didn't get a clear sense of WHY she started other than it seemed like a good idea at the time. I know she has recovered or is keeping it in check or whatever she wants to call it but WHY did she decide to recover? For the same reason she started? If I were not so far along on recovery, I would wonder what the point of recovery was based on her writings.

[screwtapescribe]

Marya Hornbacher is a phenominal writer. Then again, I've only read Wasted...but in order to be a good writer, you've got to write what you know. And she KNOWS eating disorders.

It scares me just how naked she makes herself to the audience. I doubt I'd even have enough courage to make myself that vulnerable, knowing that everyone and anyone could pick it up and know my thoughts and even worse sometimes, my actions...
I know she mentions that she didn't write it as a form of therapy for herself. Hm. I wonder about this. I know it must have been hell, honestly, to write it...it's often hellish for her readers as well! But I think it was a necessary catharsis for her, even if she did relapse after writing it.
Wasted was an original, never to be closely duplicated.

[p.nut]

It is a greatly written book--yes triggering and very very explanitory in every sense. However, she had to have been sick when she wrote it..I know from being sick, then better, then sick, then better again and back and forth, to know that when you're sick, you don't remember what its like to be better and when you're better to not fully remember what its like to be sick--and she seemed like she understood and remembered being sick..probably because she was sick for so long but I just think that you definately have certain/very different thoughts and opinions when your sick that you may never even realize when your better..is that confusing?? I'm confusing myself..
honestly though, i have read her book over **** times and i pick up on new things everytime i read it like things that make sense, things I an relate to, things I do.. and I am actually reading it right now. i love it. my best friend, whose recovered, hates it.. she says its like reading a buck on the antichrist...and thats probably because she remembers the horrible times when she was sick.and reading it.

[p.nut]

i spelled book wrong hahaha (buck)

[SleepToDreamFA]

im reading this book for the second time now- i also read her book center of winter - she is a phenomenal writer!

[SanFran]

I've been meaning to write Marya a letter ever since I was fourteen and first read Wasted to tell her how much her book moved me. It taught me about myself, and the writing was unbelievable.

She has a new book coming out this Spring. A non-fiction book, about madness. Am really looking forward to it. :groovy

To the woman who was going to meet Marya--how did that go? I am verrry jealous!!

[acheeee]

VERY TRIGGERING. Well written granted. But I've never read any part of this without being tempted into or engaging in ed behaviours. I should throw it out. I turn to it when I feel I need to "get a grip of myself" and use it as negative inspiration. It isn't worth it. Its just another temptation :sad

[springflower]

This is one of the few things on EDs that I actually think ISN'T triggering. I'm always triggered by the ED stories where they lose a lot of weight but dont look sick and everything is seemingly great, but this book talks about her suffering and pain A LOT. It made me glad that I was never that bad...she was barely functioning...so alone and her brain stopped working. She was also so so so ill. I have never been like that and I am glad. It really scared me and her description of herself is not attractive at all. I have never wanted to look ill or lose friends or anything like that, and this book made me sure of it!

[edisylgu]

i just brought this book and so far is it good. Its amazing how low of a weight this women got to!

[jessicaem]

I've only read maybe ******** pages of this book so far, but Marya drives me NUTS so far.

I find her extremely pretentious. A five-year-old who has such a consciousness of her body and still remembers it? I don't buy it. She writes like she has gotten all of this from years of therapy: someone told her how self-aware she was her entire life, how she internalized her parents' ideals and personalities, and then wrote it as if she always knew.

[BrownEyedRunner]

The book was quite triggering for me... I think it glamorized the hard-working, stressed-out, urban, college anorexic (at times it made me want to smoke a cigarette, and i definitely don't smoke, just for the image, haha)... until the very end of the book. And then you really see a glimpse of how futile an eating disorder is, and how meaningless it is to consciously go down that path. It made me look down the road, and all I could think was, "What then?" What if I were to lose thirty more XXXXX pounds... then what? What would I have accomplished? In light of the last chapter, the book no longer triggers me.

[niki_z]

for me as well, this book is an all time favorite.

i'm not sure if i view it as triggering or not, but it has been a great source of comfort over the years. i've read it over and over again... it's one of the few books that i can pick up and randomly start at about any point in it... in fact, that's what i often do with it, just open to an arbitrary spot and start reading.

i too must admit that it was more compelling when i was actively using behaviors. but i wouldn't say that it gave me ideas or caused me to act out more... it was just so familiar and i really really identified with it.

but then i'm weird. when i was most depressed i would read sylvia plath's bell jar over and over again... haven't wanted to do that lately. probably a good sign.

[doom-kitty]

hah. weird to run into this thread. i've read that damn book a million times. i have mixed feelings about it. i found it to be more honest than other ED books i've read. i also like the style of writing, but sometimes the endless descriptions of every single bit of the author's emaciated body gets old. i see the point that she's trying to get across: that EDs do not make you pretty, but at times there was a braggy sort of feel to it: look how bad i got. the copy of the book that i have right now has an update from marya in the back, which tells us that she relapsed after wasted was released. wonder where she's at now.

[Imogen Annabelle]

OMG is that book just one HUGE trigger after another. It perpetuated my bulimia to the point that when I felt "weak", I would just pick up her book and read it. I was very badly sexually abused as a child and I know that my ED has a lot to do with that abuse and althought Marya "says" she comes from a less than perfect family, something really horrible must have happened to her at an early age to be so self-destructive. Not just the ed but the drugs, the unprotected sex, the one-time self mutilation. It just reeks of childhood trauma. I just get the feeling that she is hiding a family member's "indesrection". And any way who at the age of **** just knows how to make herself throw-up. B.S. I say. I was shown by a school "friend". It is NOT a natural reaction. I think she agrees with her mother when in the book during a family therapy session her mom says something like "Honey, it's not our fault you just came this way".

THat make me so mad and that I believe is the whole tone of the book. Cause and Effect was what I was taught with ed. What was her cause? Triangulation in the family, my butt.

Just my opinion though.

DO NOT RECCOMMEND FOR THOSE NOT IN RECOVERY TOTALY TRIGGERING.

[nc]

My personal opinion is that this book was an ode to her ed and was written at a point where she was still very mentally ill and still very much in love with her eating disorder. Like many, I read this book when I was very ill, and while I did not learn any new "tricks" from it I devoured every word because it fed my mental illness.

Having re-evaluated it as someone fully recovered from an ed I honestly believe that this book serves no other purpose other than to brag about how "sick" and non-compliant she was, very much the MO of anyone who is still very mentally ill.

I also think that if we could be a fly on the wall (an emotionally healthy fly on the wall) that most would feel that her perception of the truth and reality are not exact matches. When someone is so entrenched in their illness it is easy to perceive anyone who tries to pull them out of it as abusive in one form or another. I believe had she written this book in a healthier state of mind her view and understanding of certain events and conversations would probably be very different.

Honestly, this is a book I wish would disappear. I have never known a professional or anyone who was fully recovered who would recommend this book to anyone.

[septangel]

NC, I agree completely.

Kathy :angel

[Kensington]

The subject of this book has come up many, many times on the boards over the lifetime of the website & the feeling about it generally goes like this:

* The people who loved & continue to love it are usually still sick

* The people who used to love it & now think it's bad are usually in strong recovery or recovered

Of course there are exceptions & everyone is entitled to their opinion but statistically speaking, it's true.

I personally couldn't get past the bad writing & never read the whole thing. My guess is when I was a teenager I would've loved the book. I would've thought she was a great writer. I was very sick & I would've used it to trigger myself, as so many fishies have said they do/did. Looking at it from where I am now, I can't imagine that this book does a sick person any good. It may feel something like, "Hey, someone who understands!" but I don't think the book was published so that sick people would have a comrade & get better. It was quite sensationalistic for it's time & I'm sure that was a big part of why it was published.

I also don't know any professionals who want their clients to read it. I've heard of plenty that specifically told their clients NOT to read it or confiscated it during a session. Reading a glamorized - & yes, you can glamorize an ed even in book form - version of an ed is not helpful. "My beautiful pain", as it were. It may help those who aren't sick that want to understand their loved ones mindset, but even then I think it's a mistake to think everyone with an ed thinks the same way. I really don't know of anyone, with or without an ed, that I think would benefit from reading it.

[SanFran]

Bad writing? I wish I had her talent...

I'm not still in my ED, and I do have lines of that book going through my head all the time. I used to use it (the end parts) to help me get through meals. My guess is, that if I started to read it now, it would make me long for the severe anorexia again. But then, not everyone who reads that book is going to long to be sick, so maybe you have to have something wrong in the first place?

Many of the psychological components in this book really spoke to me. They were things I couldn't name--or hadn't heard of yet--and I was able to explain better in therapy.

I honestly believe Marya had good intentions when she wrote this book. She seemed to realize afterwards that it had the potential to be triggering. If I could make one change to it, I would add more of a section about her recovery.

Imogen Annabelle,

I'm not going to infer anything about another woman's life that I haven't already been told by her, but yes, it is possible she was abused. I've read about one/third of sexual abuse victims forget their abuse as they get older.

[rafferty]

I don't think her writing was bad - talent wise - but the way she writes about the eating disorder - and her life.... intentional or not - it reads very much as a narcissitic, self-absorbed love affair with the eating disorder and her own responses and reactions and thoughts.

That's not wrong or bad, per se.... just that it's definitely not MY cup of tea... I just find the whole book disturbing.... and I would MUCH rather put my time and energy into reading something more inclusive of other people's thought, opinions, feelings and place in the world.

Eating disorders do make us very inward focused and absorbed in our own inner worlds... and I think this book shows just how extreme this can become!

:love
:stars rafferty :stars

[wookus]

I have read this book several times over. Mostly when I was sick or wanted to be sick. I thought it told nothing of recovery and even her supposed recovery wasn't quite so. It was just an abcense of behaviors or a fear of consequences. I hope that my recovery is much more than that.

I have lived in many of the places she described so for me there was a bit of remincing. Other than that I think you could do much better in looking for a book that will support your recovery.

Brooke

[edisylgu]

i am half way through the book, finally found the time to read it. Its good but I thought it was going to be better. I thought it was going to be gruesome but maybe there is more to come

[Magenta]

After all the warnings, i regret buying this book. Just ordered it from Amazon, but i'm not going to read anything that'll make the ed voices worse. At this point, i'm scared to even try and regret it. ugh

[Annica]

This book is a HUGE trigger for me. Most people really shouldn't read it because it will probably make them want to restrict even more than they already do.

[everythingintransit]

The writing is phenomenal. I love the book purely for one of the last paragraphs, in particular the last sentence.

"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces and you stitch them together wherever they fit and when you are done, you hold yourself up and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. AND YET YOU ARE ALL THAT YOU HAVE, SO YOU MUST BE ENOUGH. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY."
It's just the truest thing I've ever heard. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way. There is no other way.

[MidnightGlow]

yes, it's beautiful...I'm really looking forward to her *new* autobiography, coming out this spring.

[quiet butterfly]

I don't mean to offend people by writing this but:

One can read something very 'well written' but the main message / content can still be rubbish.

Having said that there is one nice quote, but I think the whole content of the book is not motivational for recovery. I read this book whilst not interested in recovery, and found it very triggering. After deciding recovery was something I wanted to try, I threw it away. It is the only book I have ever thrown away, for some reason I have alot of 'respect' for books, but I could not see that donating it anywhere would do anyone any good. I was also deeply irritated that she tried to market it as a book to encourage recovery and would not recommend it as something for anyone to read, especially not if you are struggling. I think the marketing aspect was the thing that irritated me most about this book.

[SmileChild]

I personally have not read it. However, my sister and friends read it and told me it was extremely triggering. My sister said it "inspired" her to develop bulimia. I'm not sure if that's true or if she just said that so I wouldn't read it.

Anyways, I know that when I was in IP, it was on the list of "forbidden books." But like bellydancer said, what's triggering for one may be helpful for another.

[runnintocrzytwn]

wasted was really triggering when i first read it. i was deeply in my ed and truly just read it to be triggered. But recently i've read it again and have fallen in love with it. there were so many good parts i found now that i had missed then. i love the way she writes! and the qoutes she has before each chapter. she has great insight into eds. and lots of good information. but it can be very triggering depending on what place you're in. i probably wouldnt reccomend it to anyone still in their ed, not really wanting recovery, or feeling a little weak in recovery right now.

[JosephD]

This is one of my favourite books.

All of this has been said before, but... Anything to do with eating disorders, no matter what their intention, can be triggering. That said, I don't believe Hornbacher's attention was entirely to discourage behaviours any more than it way to encourage them: she simply wrote about herself, and a huge part of her life has been being sick, and a huge part is recovering, so you're going to get a bit of both, including undeniable bragging about how sick she was.

Still, what's stuck with me the most was the bits, particularly around the end, that talk about how /silly/ she was. Sometimes it this book me feel like I was/am unsuccessful at being sick, but mostly, when I'm considering going back there, it makes me feel, quite simple, ridiculous.

[Shadow_Boxer]

this book basically gave me a guide in high school. i read it when i'm at low points.

[samsaysno]

I was about to read it for a second time, but I got three books amongst my Christmas gifts, so I'll probably read it after I've read those.

I remember being totally shocked and scared. A few of my friends were trying to tell me what could happen to me, and reading this book just shocked me into awareness. (I hate how hard this is.)

[lilsweetie]

i'm the same as shadow boxer. it was a guide to me. for more ideas on how to self destruct. :whateva

[pixtob]

I personally couldn't get past the bad writing & never read the whole thing. My guess is when I was a teenager I would've loved the book. I would've thought she was a great writer. I was very sick & I would've used it to trigger myself, as so many fishies have said they do/did. Looking at it from where I am now, I can't imagine that this book does a sick person any good. It may feel something like, "Hey, someone who understands!" but I don't think the book was published so that sick people would have a comrade & get better. It was quite sensationalistic for it's time & I'm sure that was a big part of why it was published.

It may be because memoirs are really hot in the booktrade right now, but writing programs are offering more classes in autobiographical writing and I have heard of two courses (at different schools) featuring "Wasted"-not for ed reasons, but for its writing merits, I'll hazard to guess...

pixtob

[eshoe]

HUGELY triggering. My friend at the time (now husband) bought it for me to help me when I started therapy.

It glorified ED's and the mental anguish behind them. Then it just ended, with no hope. It was like she revelled in it. BAD BAD BAD for my ED at the time.

Now, it probably wouldn't bother me so much, I am just sad so many women read and continue to read it. Very self-defeating.

p.s. I threw it out a couple of years ago.

[twinmommy]

Hugely, hugely triggering to me. One of my IP goals is actually to get rid of this book; I use it solely to trigger myself and feed my eating disorder. I've read it so many times that a good portion is committed to memory.

I have to agree with a previous poster: at times I feel Marya glorifies her ED and seems to revel in what she endured. I also can't get around the fact that as someone who has suffered with anorexia and bulimia, she'd be so irresponsible as putting some of what she includes out there - the numbers, discussions of methods used, calories consumed, etc. Personally, I do not think the graphic and detailed descriptions of her ED behaviors are helpful to any population of reader.

Then again, if she wasn't in a secure place in recovery when the book was published it might not have occurred to her how triggering and damaging it might be. Maybe that's why her additude throughout is so matter-of-fact.

I do know from my T (who saw and heard her speak at a conference about a year ago) that Marya is in recovery. She also has been married and divorced **** times, and her ED has so prematurely aged her that her hair is completely grey and skin as wrinkled as a sixty year-old.

[Freeway]

I've looked through it but I've never actually read it from cover to cover. I don't need triggers or comparisons. I, personally, would never disclose my life/death struggle like Marya Hornbacher did unless I feel like I must prove something. That's just my opinion. Forgive me if I've offended anyone.


Freeway :love

[Kensington]

Pixtob, it's hard for me to know exactly how her writing is featured in a class becuz it could be "Here's a great example of good writing" or it could be "Here's an example of an autobiographical book that sold a lot of copies". Many books sell a lot of copies without necessarily being great examples of writing.

[screwtapescribe]

i love how every one is afraid of offending each other.

this book possesses a significant role in my life, past and present, and possibly future.
whenever I read it it have to ask myself why i am.

question though, to avoid restating things that others have already said:
>>WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE THE MARKS OF A TRUE PRO-RECOVERY AUTOBIOGRAPHY, OR OTHER TYPE OF BOOK????

discuss!

[Athena Rose]

Hmm, I want to do a second review of this book! I re-read it during my current relapse, and it just triggered me to want to progress from bulimic to anorexic behaviours, to outgrow the grossness of my ED and become "purified" through suffering, as Marya did. Because the way she tells it, she was a fucking superhero for pushing herself to the extremes that she did. And as others have said, she is very explicit about numbers, weights, calories, and anything else that can cause someone with an eating disorder to feel competitive about. I can understand her wanting to show people how extremely warped her mind was by her disease, and I appreciate the fact that she was so honest about it. I'm glad she told her story. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth, and I believe Marya is an amazing person with a great deal of the universal energy pulsing through her... very driven to succeed. She wanted to show people how misguided she was, and she simply told her version of the story. I think she portrays herself both as a winner and a loser, when it comes to remembering her eating disorder. She has a lot of style. She survived through a hell of an ordeal. She gave herself over completely to her eating disorder, and single-mindedly pursued it to its grisly end. In that respect, she's a personification of its sickness. She probably re-lived the whole thing as she wrote the book, and served it up while it was hot. More power to her.

But I don't recommend it to anyone who isn't safely in recovery! She is a highly intelligent, inspiring writer, and she transmits a respect for the powerful eating disorder that possessed and drove her to extremes.. the way one powerful animal might respect another, more powerful force, like lightning or lava. And then she writes odes to its terrifying power that make you want to touch it, to be as worthy of awe as she was, for having survived the contact. And hey, Marya always went further than you, so you're never too afraid to push and go a little further..

Gawd, I can't wish I'd never read it. I won't read it again though. It makes eating disorders sound like an accomplishment. She's too impressed with the lengths she was capable of going to. Her tone doesn't quite match her words when she says it was all wasted..

[over_it]

I kind of agree with everyone. This book was very triggering to me, even though at the time I probably wouldn't have thought so. :confused It is hard for something with so many behaviors and numbers sprinkled throughout to not be triggering.

But, I too have heard of its merits in terms of the actual writing style. I used to write quite a bit (more than I do now!) and went to many writers' conferences. One was dedicated exclusively to memoir and creative non-fiction, and "Wasted" was referred to over and over as perhaps one of the best memoirs of the twentieth century. Not just that it was so popular, but also that her use of language was simply phenomenal. I have only read the book in its entirety once, but I have seen excerpts since and I can't get past how really beautiful some of her passages are.

Nevertheless, one could argue that a work on a deadly illness should not sound beautiful. But I do wonder who her intended audience was. For the non-ed public, numbers and behaviors are what they want to see - the descriptors that make it real for them and help them "understand" (yes, I know an ed is not about the behaviors, but they can help in a partial understanding of the disease for non-ed people) the depths of an ed. I wonder about how Marya feels about her work as a recovered woman. Certainly she must know how triggering (generally) it is for people with eds. But a writer is "supposed" to write about what she knows, what her current truth is, without censoring herself. At the end of the day, should she have "watered it down" to make it more "palatable"? I don't know. Maybe there needs to be a "warning" label on the book like they have on a pack of cigarettes or something. But I think the writing is raw and real and, yes, beautiful. I think the content is disturbing, definitely glorifies an eating disorder (to an ed person, although I'm not sure a non-ed person would "want" an ed after reading that book!), and should be avoided by anyone with an active eating disorder.

Just my humble opinion. :cheesy

[cristina.m]

I will not read that book. I just remember hearing about it from a few girls that I met in treatment who had read the book. So what do I do? Go to the library and find the book. Open it up and read a few sentences down. Something about "I went from XXX to XX in X months". Like, are you kidding me?!

So triggering... especially for someone who is trying to recover.

[Athena Rose]

Actually, do you know what? I think really highly of Marya. And she was just being honest. I appreciate that. I think we should all appreciate that.
:trigger
At one point in the book, she writes:
"Right down the hall from me lies certainty, comfort, but it's a comfort that I cannot have anymore. Every goddamn day, I have to remind myself that right down the hall, right after the certain comfort, comes a grotesque death. I picture my husband finding me that way -- on the floor in a pool of blood and vomit, dead of gastric rupture or a heart attack or both -- and I plunk back down at my desk.
That is control for me, sad as it sounds. But the fact of the matter is, a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to make this choice."

Etc, etc.

I think she really makes an effort to put across the point that she has come to the realization of the TRUTH that her eating disorder is her enemy, is not and never was going to be an accomplishment as it promised to be, has robbed her and will always haunt her. And whether or not her extreme behaviours are triggering, they are the truth. In one sense, for me, at least, she made the journey to the extremes so that I didn't have to. And maybe I wouldn't want to unless I'd seen someone else had... but that in itself is quite edifying.

She went there. She told the truth. I say she did us all a favour because she proves that no matter how far you take this shit, it leads nowhere, it leads to pain and suffering and death, and if you're determined to go there, you'll use anything as fodder, including her, including your own body and soul. That's not her fault. It's the nature of the beast.

I'm glad she wrote Wasted.

Over and out.

[survivingtothrive]

"wasted" help me to take one of my first steps forward in asking for help. yes, it was a trigger at times, but it also helped me to take that step forward. i am glad she wrote "Wasted".

[elektra]

Funny, but a few years back when I was swimming in the :bowl quite often there was a thread about 'Wasted' and, well, here we are again... strange. :wacky

I found this book while wandering around a Barnes & Noble when I was starting to get really sick. I read it initially in pieces and out of order because I couldn't sit and read long enough without getting really upset. Not because I was offended or triggered, but because I could not BELIEVE there was some one else out there who felt that way, did those things, thought that way, etc. :surprise

I've read it probably three or four times but it's a means of support for me, not a trigger. If I let ED read with me, then it can be a problem, but let's face it: there's nothing glamorous about Marya's adolescence. I've read it more than once to study her writing style as well as remember why I don't want to be like that.

Her novel 'Center of Winter' is brilliant and for those of you who like her writing, check it out. I'm also looking forward to her newest memoir which comes out this week. :cool

elektra

[Millificent]

I don't plan to read her new book, but thought I'd toss this into the dicussion. Marya was finally diagnosed as bipolar a couple years ago and has written about her hospitalizations for it in Madness. I read a short review the other day that says the book does talk about continuing ED behaviors, but the accompanying interview talked more about her struggle with drinking.

:dragon Millie

[ayslin]

Pixtob, it's hard for me to know exactly how her writing is featured in a class becuz it could be "Here's a great example of good writing" or it could be "Here's an example of an autobiographical book that sold a lot of copies". Many books sell a lot of copies without necessarily being great examples of writing.

Just to throw this out there - most writing programs do not generally recommend readings based solely on their ability to sell copies. Semesters are too short to waste time on examples like that, which, though popular, lack technical merit - especially such long examples. At least, in my experience (I've taken about a dozen courses on creative writing throughout my time at uni) no professor would dream of assigning a book just based on the opinion of the unwashed masses :sarcasm.

Honestly, I haven't touched this book in a while. I did find it triggering when I first read it, six or something years ago. I absolutely couldn't put it down. I thought the writing style was very well done. It was clear, evocative and really reached out to make a connection with the reader (though, admittedly, that connection could have been a result of where I was with my ed at the time).

If I came across it while cleaning out my room, I might sit down and read a few pages. I'd be kind of curious to see what my adult self thinks of i

[TheMuffinWoman]

I loved this book. But I read it in order to trigger myself when I was very sick. Eeekk

[Tashawashere]

Read it years ago, and didn't find it triggering at all just sad. :sad Oddly it even motivated me into recovery for a good long time. I recently read her latest novel 'Madness: A Bipolar Life' which affected me profoundly albeit for personal reasons not so much because of literary merit. (It's definitely not one of her best although after reading it, god, I DO feel for the lady. :sad)

'Center of Winter' is her fiction novel and I enjoyed that as well. Marya IS a talented writer and long before she was an anorexic or ill, her passion was to be a writer and her committment to this and her talent is worthy of respect.

[chi_town_sparkle]

I also read it years ago.

didn't find it triggering, but more of an eye opener in some respects.

i was totally able to relate.

gave it to some of my friends to read.

they loved it, and said they are able to understand my life better.

the material is very raw, and in-your-face.

she's very forward, tells it like it is. doesn't beat around the bush, or sugar coat (which i liked)

i don't know that it was or was not exaggerated. it's a memoir.

idk. i thought it was good, and would probably read it again if i felt like it.

i think i would kinda say it's like the "dr. house" of eating disorder books in such a respect that my perception of their personalities is similar. having said that, i don't know that what i said will come across the right way. I'm speaking of dr. house - the character - and not the entire personality of the actual tv show and relating it to the tone of the book...if that makes sense.

[gsmbatt]

I bought this book when I was a little lost, trying to decide if I wanted to get better or to give up and get worse.

I thought that buying the book was a step towards getting better. In the process of reading it, I got much much worse.

Not to say it was the book's fault, but like many of you said, it was the way I used it.

HOWEVER at the same time it was empowering. Seeing how bad Marya's life got convinced me to tell a close friend about my ED. So I don't regret reading it.

[ellybean]

This was my Bible. I highlighted everything she said she did in it. she was my hero. I found that book so triggering and it dorve me deeper and deeper into my ilness. If you have an ED DONT read this book. It is so triggering i cant even tell you. She is however, and amazing writer. I felt like I was watching a movie of her life. I have bought this book about **** times and each time I've been in treatment thrown it away only to buy it again. I could read it everyday. But it is not recovery based so I will not buy it again. She relapsed soon after the book was released.

[bellydancer]

I think it's important to realize that just because a piece of work is about EDs, that doesn't mean that it's meant to be used as a recovery tool. Marya Hornbacher wrote about her experience. The fact that she relapsed after writing it doesn't invalidate what she wrote. We have many members who return to these boards years after thinking they were recovered. They can still give good support and insight to others.

Before you buy an ED-related book at the store, ask yourself what you're looking for. Do you want to read a story about someone like yourself? Does it matter if they've recovered? Are you looking for a recovery manual? When you see a book in the store use a critical eye to determine what it's about. Read reviews of it. If you're easily triggered and you hear that a book has a lot of triggers, it's your job to be responsible for yourself.

[tigerurchin]

The thing that made this book helpful for me was, it helped me find a way to make sense of my eating disorder as a disease that flawed my character. the character Marya is not likeable, not easy to feel for, and while the understanding of eating disordered people at the time I went into treatment first kind of glorifies them, painting anorexics as selfless, driven, hardworking people-pleasers -- I never felt that fit me. So I felt like I was being given credit for this personality that didn't match me at all, but that if I starved myself and put myself in enough demeaning positions and relationships, I would become all those things.

I think Wasted does a good job of depicting the disease the way I experienced it: as an exercise in selfishness, need and destruction. I think it's hard to separate yourself from the disease when there's all these positive attributes that are supposed to fuel it (which, again, has been my experience with therapists and other ed books. I don't like having to explain that really, I'm not that hardworking or self-sacrificing just because I thrown up my food).

My belief -- please don't feel I'm saying this is the only way to see it -- is that the disease is fueled by a need so intense that it makes you selfish, impatient, hurtful, and reckless. I think Marya does a good job of showing that in this book, and while it was triggering to me when I first read it (may not be written for twelve year old depressives), it was a sort of Bible to me in recovery, because at this point, the kind of masochism she described affects me less than all the real life opportunities the character misses out on. And I was more distressed by the ugliness she shows people around her and the loneliness she experiences herself than in the weight she gets down to.

[Athena Rose]

tigerhurchin, that's an incredibly mature and insightful perspective on Marya and her biography, and thanks for sharing it. It'll be helpful to me to focus on her from that kind of perspective, rather than (being so impressionable and prone to get sucked in by the attitude of the "ED voice" in her writing style) impressed by what she "accomplished". You're absolutely right about her being unlikeable and selfish, and my notes in the margins of the book all point to that. It's not my bible, but it's a book I've thrown away only to find it again in a charity shop, find myself buying it and then hiding it from myself but pulling it out again because -- gah! There's a part of me that wants anorexia so badly that I do believe I'm unconsciously fucking myself over, despite not having the "classic" (virtuous) qualities of stereotypical anorexics, but as you described yourself (probably overcritically!) stemming from negativity and a desire to succeed at self-destruction. Anorexia can be fuelled by a different personality type than shrinks think. And Marya went all the way with it and what she describes isn't something anyone in their right mind would want.

[ladyzigzag]

I've been struggling a lot lately, and today found myself loading the audiobook version back onto my iPod...I had deleted it when i realised (in a more recovery-based mindset) that I was only using it to trigger myself. Hearing it in her voice,for me, adds to this effect...
But I'm one of those people who, once something is started, must finish it. I think it's very well-written, but I'm afraid of what re-listening might bring about...
Any suggestions/challenges from the fishies?
Love to you all!

[paddington bear]

Don't really need to add this...but then again, why not?:lubdub

:hugonladyzigzag:hugoff...It's funny that you should post this today, as I too am "struggling" a bit at the moment, and this morning when I was in the library I had the sudden inspiration(????):wacky to reread this dreaded book. So I guess for me this epitomises what Wasted represents: a desire or 'need' to indulge in the eating disordered world. It may well be a thoroughly engaging read, but I fail to see how it could ever inspire anyone (still immersed in the ED mindset) to think about recovery. That may be harsh, and maybe one day I will see it differently. But not yet...

So, :challengeladyzigzag:challenge, do what you know is the HEALTHY thing to do. Turn it off! Now!!!:gimmehug

xoxo

[ladyzigzag]

:hugon Paddington Bear :hugoff
I'm not so sure, by the time I reach the end, I've usually been shocked by how very terrible a time she had. And this sometimes gives me a few days of motivation...
Who am I kidding? This is a terrible choice. But a hard one...
But I challenge you back - let's both try and resist the pull of this thing...
xx

[Athena Rose]

ladyzigzag & paddington bear, I think Marya literally gives voice to the common force behind all of our eating disorder's, because she so completely gives herself over to it and expresses it with such raw honesty (and flair, if you like her style) that as a previous poster says, anyone with an active eating disorder cannot read this and expect not to be triggered - if you are in recovery, prove it! Put the book down, and step away from the voiceover of your disease. We are too sensitive to self-destructive suggestions, and she is too in love with her own masochistic ability to "succeed" at such. It's her diseased mindset that is conveyed as well as her recovering one, and it'll just drag you into the vortex with it.

If you've already read it, I swear by my own experience, that re-reading it gives you nothing new of value, just the desire to compete and achieve and compare with her on disordered terms.

:ugh

[Kathder]

I finished Wasted a week ago. I pretty much agree with every single person who has posted lol. I found it poignant, honest, comforting, and triggering. A struggle to get through, but I couldn't put it down.

Here's what I liked: Marya is very honest. She doesn't paint herself as a victim. I think she's actually hard on herself and probably still sees herself through an ED filter. Her prose is beautiful; she expressed many ideas that I always felt but could never manifest into words. I found it comforting because she was approximately my height and weight when she first started treatment; I didn't feel like a "failed anorexic" like I sometimes do when I read ED stories.

Here's what I didn't: Well, this isn't so much what I didn't like as much as it's what I found triggering. I honestly liked Wasted very much, and wouldn't change a thing, but not everyone should read it because she does focus on numbers. Her descriptions of her body are really triggering, especially as she gets unhealthier and thinner; I thought to myself a lot, "I wonder what weighing _ pounds would feel like" or "Where did she get her clothes when she was that skinny?"

[FranticTickTock]

I love this book. I love her style. She just tells it like it is. I honestly would like to throw this book at these people who think eating disorders are cool things to have, because reading her story might make them think twice about it.

I see a lot of myself in Marya in that book. For example, all her memories of her childhood she remembers from the outside in - that's exactly how I am. Most of my early childhood memories, when I think about them, I can only remember them from the outside looking in - not from my own eyes, but from the eyes of an imaginary voyeur.

There are many wise words in that book. I've taken down numerous quotes from it and I use them daily, in away messages, status messages, on MySpace, etc. They're words that anyone can relate to, not just someone with an eating disorder.

The book is triggering for me, I will admit that, but I like to read it because I relate to it. It's not candy-coated at all, and it comes from the point of view of someone who actually lived through one of the more horrific cases of an eating disorder and made it out alive. It's not written by a doctor or a psychiatrist or whatnot - it's written by someone who lived through it.

[springflower]

I think I'm one of the few people who can't understand how this book can be triggering. All it does is talk about how messed up her life is. Is that what people on this board want? Do people want to mess up everything good about their lives? Seriously I read this book and all I could think about was "thank God I've never gotten that f-cked up!". Really...what triggers me is seeing healthy, happy people who supposedly have eating disorders. I guess this is a good thing...but this book would NEVER make me want to have an eating disorder. I wouldn't want people to look at me and think of me as a crazy freak..because honestly that's how Marya seems in this book, I want people to look at me and see a really put together person-I wouldn't want it to be obvious that I suffer from an eating disorder. I'm really blown away that people are triggered by this.
Ok, exasperation over.

[Ribbles]

Really...what triggers me is seeing healthy, happy people who supposedly have eating disorders

What do you mean "supposedly"? That if someone doesn't look like they have an ED then they are a fake?

Yes, thank God your life has not turned out like Mayra's. Her life was filled with extremes, but she just wanted to share her story. In fact, that's exactly what it says on the back of the book.

I was triggered by her words b/c she shows us how she got sucked into the ED and how it took control of her thoughts, which I think most of us can attest to happening. It's fine to not have liked the book or not be triggered by it, but come on, you're posting on an ED support site, so show some sensitivity!

[FranticTickTock]

Really...what triggers me is seeing healthy, happy people who supposedly have eating disorders.

We have to remember though, a lot of people with eating disorders pretend that they're find and that they are really happy and healthy. The appearance of having a happy and healthy life doesn't mean that something's not wrong.

[Sweet_Pea]

I have read this book a ton of times. I love how Marya writes. However, the book is really triggering. I would very much hesitate to recommend it to anyone with an ED, unless you are in a REALLY good place recovery-wise.

[springflower]

All I'm saying is I don't understand what is so glamourous about being sick. Marya says that she has put out this book as a warning to those not to go down the route of an ED, and others are saying its triggering, but I get the WARNING part. To me its a big warning-it's a bit deterant. It's a big "okay, i DON'T want my life to be like that". Mostly I read stories that glamorize having an ED...stories that never go as far as this and make it seem not that bad. To me, after reading this, I do NOT want to have an eating disorder. I would never ever want to even start down that path. That's why I think it is a good book. People are saying they just see it as a triggering device and I see it as completely the opposite. I don't understand how it can be triggering at all, I think it would make people NOT want to have an ED, or make people want to get help. That's what I'm saying.

[bellydancer]

I think it's important to remember that what one person considers triggering another person does not. For people with EDs, it's not unusual to be triggered by discussions of weight and food, regardless of whether the person being discussed is at a healthy weight, etc. It's just something that gets the wheels turning.

If a person can read a book and feel that it inspires them to recover, then that's great. If a person reads a book and begins to find themselves triggered by it, it's their responsibility to put it down.

[Ribbles]

springflower,

I gotcha. I think I misunderstood you before, but it's interesting how you were turned off by her behaviors yet a lot of us were triggered by it. That's the weird thing about ED's--even though they are so unglamorous, there is something intriguing and sometimes appealing about them. The day I finished her book was the first day I b/p, so it had a big effect on me. I guess I'm sensitive to this book...

[midnightdreary]

Wow, well, this has been one long thread and I just read through the whole thing since I just finished Wasted a few hours ago. .... And I agree with a LOT of what was said here- she was still clearly in some sort of recovery limbo as she wrote this memoir.... that being said, I think it is an excellent memoir- not an excellent recovery book, not an excellent ED manual, nothing like that. As a piece of writing, excellent, and people write what they know. Obviously, the audience her book has attracted is all of us--who have a lot more invested in her writing than the general public. For example, I read the memoir The Glass Castle earlier this year and was similarly moved by the intensity of emotions and the quality of the writing. Had I been someone who experienced tragedy similar to that author, I would feel a lot more complicated about the novel.

As for my own experience... I'm not in the best place and was, as others said, extremely triggered to get over the "ugliness" of my bulimia and get back to the "purity and strength" of anorexia; and I know that the fact that I don't really care about the consequences just speaks to my own head, not any writing of Marya's.

[losfrida]

I think it's important to remember that what one person considers triggering another person does not. For people with EDs, it's not unusual to be triggered by discussions of weight and food, regardless of whether the person being discussed is at a healthy weight, etc. It's just something that gets the wheels turning.

If a person can read a book and feel that it inspires them to recover, then that's great. If a person reads a book and begins to find themselves triggered by it, it's their responsibility to put it down.


VERY well said. I agree with alot of what's been said here (triggering but honest) but I'd like to point something out. I've read virtually every memoir or novel dealing with anorexi that I could lay my hands on. And Wasted is the ONLY book I've found that actaully deals with relapse honestly. No "this is how you know you're relapsing" lists, no fluffy "I had an eating disorder but now I'm all better and it only took one try" bullshit. (Sorry for the language, but the lack of information on this topic seriously pisses me off).

Just my two cents...

[Ltwitch]

I just finished this yesterday and I have to say that I wasn't so much triggered by it, but I was mostly just surprised how perfectly she nailed some of the feelings that I had at the absolute worst point in my ED. A lot of the material that I tried to read initially when I was recovering was all the same "bulimia and b/p is an attempt to fill a void, distract, etc". I won't go into exactly how she described it in some ways (because, as some :fishys have said so far, it can be triggering), but it was pretty much exactly how I felt. It also made me feel like my ED was actually real (I've bounced back and forth between AN and BN), not just "stages". I can see how some people would find this triggering, as it would be like rehashing the old ED voice, but I tried to look at it as "if she's been this far down and she decided to even try at recovery at that point, then I can too". I would definitely recommend it for friends/family who don't understand where our thoughts are coming from sometimes, but if someone is triggered easily at all, then DON'T.

[sarahchristine]

So i bought this book via Barnes&nobles.com at the end of June & finally brought it to my parents attention that as of today, i still hadn't received it in the mail - i have had numerous problems with the US postal service all year & not receiving numerous magazines and letters. It ends up my parents decided to open the package - which they had no right to - & hide the book from me - which they had no right to. I'm freaking twenty years old. I have to ability to stop my recovery at any moment. I have to ability to leave at any moment. I am an adult & considered as one in numerous ways, including with the law. Yet I can't receive mail without my parents just digging start into anything with my name on it.
I understand their concern. They were in the room when my therapist recommended that i do not read an books at this moment. she did state that she would recommend some later considering the fact that i am studying nutritional science in order to become a Clinical Dietitian. I don't plan on reading it anytime soon because the semester is about to begin. But they hid it on there own decision and did not inform me that it had even arrived. It is my money. It is my decision. If I were sixteen this would be a different story. I am an adult & I want to be treated as one.

sorry about the rant and rave. They really pissed me off. I can't wait to leave tomorrow for College. It'll be nice to return to the campus & live on my own again...

[Flor]

I'm not going to lie, I found "Wasted" to be pretty extremely triggering. Although I did enjoy the way it was written, and found it to be a fun to read book, however dark it becomes. I think I partially may have found it to be like that because I could relate on so many levels.
But it reminded me that my ED voice is there and if I was really "strong" really "sick" really deserving of love, I would act on it more throughly, would listen to it.

[knubbsael]

I like and dislike this book.

I had a huge problem with Marya first time I read this, because: to me she came off as selfish, ruthless, ungrateful - and so very like _me_ it´s frightening, at least my personality of a few years ago .. She reminds me so much of me at same age, and seeing the behavior from the "outside" so to speak, is a bit rattling. The other, worse, thing I felt, was envy. That´s horrible to think of now, but when I first realised I had COE, I did honestly spend a long time thinking, "if i _had_ to develop an ED, couldnt I at least have gotten Anorexia instead, because then at least I wouldnt be f**"..

Thing is, I do know (at least the less sick part of my mind knows) that Anorexia is in no way better to have, its just as bad, but for some reason, the notion of not having _any_ ED didnt come to mind back then. I suppose there was also an element of "If I´d had Ana instead, maybe someone would have noticed sooner".. I don´t know how long COE has been known over in US, but over here where I am, its a relatively "new" knowledge -- in fact, it was when I stumbled on this board about **** ****/**** years ago that I realised there was a _name_ for what I´ve got - eventually I shuffeled myself into therapy and was lucky enough to get into one of the first treatment programs here.

Eh, went a bit offtopic there I suppose. Anyways, what I liked about the book is for one thing her writing style, and for another the fact that the mindset, if not the specific ED, was so like me. Even to the point that I harassed my then bf to read it, because I felt it explained "me" better than I could myself.

[same_one]

i have never read this book, because something i know about myself is that i get triggered very easily by books about EDs, even medical type books! it's amazing how reading details can worm its way through my brain... and i know this book would do that to me. numbers are the worst!

when i was twelve (just starting treatment, so many years ago!) my dad would take me to the library and i would check out ED related books just to trigger myself. when i picked this one up, he asked me, why do you have to dwell on that stuff? and i think he was right to question that. i don't need to dwell on it. maybe other people gain insight about themselves, but i don't need to risk being triggered by marya. it's just not worth it to me.

[organgrindersmonkey]

Not to offend anyone, but I feel a lot of people are missing the point of Wasted. I can see how it would be triggering in a sense, but I think it is far less so than any other book I've ever read on the subject. Other authors like to simply tell their story (example: "I ate this, I got down to this weight, I was in the hospital for this long, blahblahblah...") and do not get down to the core of why they did it or what they learned from it. So you're reading about this girl who eats nothing but a few apples a day or something and thinking, I could do that. Anorexia and bulimia are much more mental than they are physical, and I think if people read Wasted for what it was meant to be, they would see that. Even plenty of people with eating disorders don't (or refuse to) see that they are hurting themselves over something much deeper than a desire to be thin. Marya Hornbacher makes you face the real issue, the unbelievable self-loathing and addiction people with eating disorders suffer. As most of you know, eating disorders are very much a form of self-mutilation; think of those who cut, who try to, ahem, as Marya Hornbacher said, "carve up a body to carve up an imperfect soul". It's the same solution, just different methods. She also exposes the sickness of Western culture, and how those who have to live in it are clearly raised to hate themselves. She talks about the eating-disordered person's attitude towards sex, the response to malnutrition, history, the change in personality, family issues, everything I can think of that might explain why so many of us do this to ourselves. As she also says "Everything was filtered through the lens of anorexia and bulimia."

She says it better, so I'll just end with some quotes. But my point was, I learned so much about my disorder than I ever thought I would, and I would not hesitate to say that gaining this knowledge saved my life.

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."

"And when, after fifteen years of bingeing, barfing, starving, needles and tubes and terror and rage, and medical crises and personal failure and loss after loss - when, after all this, you are in your early twenties and staring down a vastly abbreviated life expectancy, and the eating disorder still takes up half your body, half your brain, with its invisible eroding force, when you have spent the majority of your life sick, when you do not yet know what it means to be 'well,' or 'normal,' when you doubt that those words even have meaning anymore, there are still no answers. You will die young, and you have no way to make sense of that fact.
You have this: You are thin.
Whoop-de-fucking-dee."

"It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength."

"Body and mind fall apart from each other, and it is in this fissure that an eating disorder may fester and thrive."

"There is, in the end, the letting go."