View Full Version : Pushy Husband with a Big Mouth
11-21-2006, 12:35 PM
Hi All -
I think I mentioned last week that my spouse had called my T over his concern and he told me about so that I wasn't taken off guard. But then I decided to put things on hold for a while and take a break this week and maybe longer and give myself time to just "be."
Well, yesterday (she had been out of town several days) the T left a message on my machine saying she respected my choice but wished I'd reconsider and that she'd hold my spot for me today in case I changed my mind. My husband heard the message before I did and asked me about it and I said it was too tired. He went and called her and said he was sure I'd change my mind. And then told me that if "tired" was the problem he'd drive me so that I didn't have to worry about that.
He kept pushing it this morning and I finally sent him away saying I didn't need a damn chauffer. And I did go, but largely out of feeling too guilty to disappoint.
And I hate to say it, but I was sort of grateful in the end for the push. BUT, she told me what he said (to be fair) and OMG! He has SUCH a big mouth! He told her that he felt my resistance was in part of being locked at age thirteen and how that was such a bad experience and how that was always a threat that was used if I should ever stir up trouble.
I was floored. I NEVER, ever discuss those years with anyone! He only knew b/c he was when we were first dating (in highschool) a friend of mine was dating his boyfriend and she got wasted one night and told him how "dark" I was. Cripey! At first I was mad and she said "I don't think you ever mentioned this." and I said, "No! I didn't because it's a forbidden topic!" and she retorted "But don't you think it's important?" and I don't. She disagreed and I ended up in this conversation about something that (other then here) I have never, ever spoken about. Even my husband only knows a few fragments. I totally did NOT want to explain why I was put away and was so on the spot. The filter in my head was going mad but I kept trying to remember what those on this board said - it doesnt serve you to shut up, something has to change, etc. So I actually over-ride the filter and spit it out anyway! Blech!!!!!! I did not go into much detail and I was actually pretty removed from it all. But it was something that is normally totally off limits to me.
But instead of leaving sobbing in frustration like I usually do I did feel a little lighter. And I'm not sure why. I don't feel any better about that situation and how it was handled (my mother was furious w/ me after an OD and yet they didn't even take me to a hospital - just screamed at me for a day - I threw up a lot and could barely stay awake for a day or so and then they put me away - I guess I was "lucky" that I didn't take enough/do it right/got too sick...)
I thought it would destroy me to ever discuss that... but it didn't. I still don't see how that is even relevant but she said that it said a lot about how untrusting I am of professionals and past experiences but how those are past experiences and things are different now and I have more choices and so on... Who knows.
And she must have been thinking ahead of me going mad over the next week because she brought me three novels from home that I can sink into for a while. I thought that was a nice gesture. They aren't academic or treatment based - just novels she thought I'd like. I still wanted to just put it all aside for a while (appts) but I committed to sticking it out at least until she goes on vacation.
I guess I should almost be grateful that I have a pushy husband with a big mouth? Never, ever thought I'd say that. :ohboy
11-21-2006, 12:55 PM
:hugon Yemaya :hugoff Thats a lot to have to be forced to remember when you're not expecting it. How are you feeling now about discusing it with your T? Are you ok that he sort of 'broke the ice' for you with the T on this subject?
11-21-2006, 01:23 PM
I'm not upset. My husband has been to therapy with me several times and he came to my very first couple appts and once when I refused to go he even went alone. I have waivers for him to speak to her and my MD. So I don't really mind for the most part. And she actually never says anything about what I say. She just hears him out and he only calls when he feels I'm just in bad shape.
I was really stunned that he mentioned that particular thing. But I think he wanted to help find a way to pave the path for me to stop being so hesitant. And it did help. Because she really made it clear that any IP decisions were mine and she would not force me to anything. That she would make recommendations if need be but she'd never try exert that kind of power over me to have me unwillfully committed. I mean, I'm sure if I went in with a gun to my head it would be different, but she was quite clear in that she'd always be upfront with me and had no intentions to have me what I call "banished".
So it was awkward at first, but yeah - having the ice broken did make it easier since I am such a reluctant person and so closed off. It made it easier to speak up a bit more about the other stuff. I NEVER disclose having a "suicidal background" b/c I'm always afraid of the reaction. But she didn't "react" badly - Of course.
11-21-2006, 01:32 PM
Wow, Maya.... I'm glad you have a pushy husband too..... Why wouldn't you think your past treatment history is relevant to your T? I know it was traumatic (I was locked up at fourteen, so I understand), but honey it's like saying that you didn't think a past surgery to remove a tumour is relevant to the doctor who's treating you for the cancer he just diagnosed in you. It's not that she needs to know your past treatment history to understand what ails you now, but it sure as hell would help! Mostly, it would help YOU! She can't read your mind, so what might work for another client could be exactly the wrong thing for you and she wouldn't know that because you've never told her this very important detail!
NOW I understand why you say you're feeling like you're wasting your time in T! If you haven't told your T much about your past history, then of course she's not able to help you!! Please don't get me wrong--- I'm not trying to be critical as I know how very hard it is to talk about this stuff, but sweetie you're only going to open the possibility of feeling understood if you tell her what is troubling you.
I hope this was a wake up call for you... and see? You said you felt "lighter"! Imagine how much weight you could take off yourself (figuratively) if you told your T a fraction of what you post here....
11-21-2006, 04:52 PM
:hugon Maya :hugoff
I'm really glad to hear that your husband's disclosures ended up being so helpful to you- even if they were scary as hell and totally shocking :gimmehug.
:challenge Looking back on this whole experience, have you learned anything about yourself/your husband/your T that might help you to take fuller advantage of your T appts in the future???
:challenge have you been able to express some appreciation to your husband in retrospect after your T appt???
:challenge are you able to see at all how any topic which you feel so desperately adament NOT to talk about or explore in therapy are exactly those topics where you need to be directing your energy?
A helpful exercise for me, was to write a timeline for my T. That way I could give her a very quick and dirty summary of my life, and provide her with a starting point for the direction where our sessions needed to head. Writing has always been much easier for me to face than speaking outloud. Does that sound like something you could try? :challenge
:yay for getting through all of this hun,
You felt lighter because you began to let go of a secret. A secret that has made you distrustful of others, especially professionals or those in authority and that has effected how you interact with others for your entire life.
As someone who kept major secrets about trauma most of my life I can tell you that while talking about it of course does not undo what was done, it takes the power away from it. And the more you talk about it, the more you look at how that and other incident effect you in the here and now the less power it will have. And the less power it has the less hold it has on your actions today, and that loss of power is what will allow you to make life long changes in both your behaviors and emotional well being.
Through his actions your husband showed that he loved you a great deal and that your well being was more important to him that the possibility of you being angry at him.
11-22-2006, 12:55 AM
I've been following your posts, and I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that your husband helped you take that first step...and how proud of you I am that you took advantage of that opportunity. From what I can tell, it has really seemed like something in your life needed to give so you could get a little relief. It sounds like your husband kind of gave things a little nudge in that direction, and maybe now your T can help continue to coax you along.
I like :hugonTbake's:hugoff timeline idea--that way when you feel locked up like you can't say anything about the here-and-now, maybe you can help her flesh out old things so she knows you a little bit better.
I hope you can hang onto this tiny bit of relief...I'm sure it was really hard, but at least for me, it's the hardest sessions that make the most difference.
11-22-2006, 07:19 AM
I'm going to come back and respond to the challenges (right now the kids are home for a long holiday and we are going to go to the library this morning to kill some time but I'll have more time later when they are off playing).
This is what I don't understand -
I did feel lighter for a while yesterday - slightly less unburdened.
But then by the end of the day it just... I don't know. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Or witnessed a bloody battle or something... It was almost like my head kept slamming back to how awful all of that was. And I felt ten thousand times worse. I'm a basketcase as it is but yesterday - good god it was suffocating! I was overwhelming by it. Like a tidal wave. And it made it worse. She was so freakin' nice about it and tried to convey my parents reaction was not really okay. (They didn't even take me to a hospital - I was at home for a day puking my brains out and going through periods where I couldn't stay awake and they never took me to a doctor - just screamed at me. I was punished for it and my mom was very angry and when I got out of the hospital I was given a list of about twenty five new rules and consequences "for my actions". And I was one of those goody-goody kids. Never in trouble. The quiet one. And I was threatened that I better behave myself from now on... sigh... My mom told me she didn't care why I "did it" because "I don't care now and I never will." Such hatred!)
And that made it worse. Sure it was okay! It was my own fault! I got what was coming! It was personal - their reaction. C'mon -that is soooooo much easier. It made it hurt to hear that that is not a proper response because I can't ruminate about the reaction that would have made me feel significant. Having someone be nice to me about it made it worse because it made me wish that my own stupid mother would have shown any tiny piece of concern or care. How can I be this old and still want that? Ridiculous. It's not even really a big deal. It's not like a huge issue where I was hurt or attacked or something. It's just stupid!!
I'm still freakin' sobbing this morning. Gawd - I don't have time for this!!!! I have kids to deal with all day for the next six days!
Tell me how this is helpful???? Open a door a crack and let in a tidal wave??? :cry
Having someone be nice to me about it made it worse because it made me wish that my own stupid mother would have shown any tiny piece of concern or care. How can I be this old and still want that? Ridiculous. It's not even really a big deal. It's not like a huge issue where I was hurt or attacked or something. It's just stupid!!
Why are you judging yourself so harshly with how you feel about this? You know what I get when I read you downplaying it and calling it stupid? I hear your mother's voice in your head. You have stepped into her shoes and have continued to berate yourself the same way she did when what you really need is compassion. You have become your abuser, she doesn't have to do anything anymore because you do is so well for her. This is why it is so important to talk about all of this in therapy. This is why looking at the past is so important because then you begin to see these type of things, you begin to realize how those events effect how you treat yourself today.
The fact it the situation was traumatic for you. You can't compare one persons trauma to another, you can't say emotional abuse is less traumatic than physical abuse. I can tell you from someone who suffered all kinds of abuse that what was said to me stuck with my much longer than what was actually done to me. The words, the looks, the tone of voice were much harder to recover from than the physical wounds that were inflicted.
In the beginning it will hurt like hell when you address these issues. But it is like tending to a wound. You would not ignore an open wound on your child because it hurt to treat it because you know that is the only way it is ever going to heal. You have ignored this wound, it is time to take a look at it and begin to treat it. It won't heal overnight, but it can and will heal if you will allow your T to help you treat it.
I can't tell you how many times I regretted going back in to therapy because it was like opening Pandora's Box. I often wondered what in the hell I had done it for. But in the end my wounds healed, I now longer abuse myself through my ed or through the awful things I say to myself or think about myself. Just like a surgery, while you are recovering from it and in pain you question the wisdom of having it done, but once it has healed and your quality of life is improved you know you did the right thing.
11-22-2006, 10:20 AM
Why are you judging yourself so harshly with how you feel about this?
Because it does seem petty. And even if I take away the judgement and tell myself that I was a young thirteen year old girl that was despondent to not be dead and found that instead of the peace that girl was seeking, there was all this anger. And that's not how I would handle it with my kids.
It still does seem really trite compared to "real" attrocities.
But the rest - that's what is worse. I am too old to still want something from a million years ago. I am too old to be "haunted" by what I cannot have. I don't get why I can't just shake that off and move on. I'm never going to have what I'm looking for. Why am I still aching for it then? It's crazy. I have a husband that I don't always like but does seem to love me and two healthy children. I should be able to relish that and that should be enough. It should be enough.
But in the end my wounds healed, I now longer abuse myself through my ed or through the awful things I say to myself or think about myself. Just like a surgery, while you are recovering from it and in pain you question the wisdom of having it done, but once it has healed and your quality of life is improved you know you did the right thing.
Hmmmm. I have two "issues" with that idea though.
First, I'm now reluctant to set myself for more. lol. I know - wussy girl! I'm like a kid that knows she's going in for shots and I want to kick and scream and refuse to go back. They don't understand why a vaccination would be good for them, they only know it hurts. My gut instinct is saying it just makes it worse and this can't be a good thing...
I really struggle to see the e/d as self-abuse. I see it as self-salvation. It is what gives back to me, accepts me, and never betrays me. It's hard to be mad at it or consider it abuse as I often argue that starving IS how I take care of myself. It is what keeps me sane. It is what makes me okay. It's what keeps me from going over the edge. It is the most comforting thing I've ever had. I always get so mad when my husband says "if you would just eat and start taking care of yourself" when I truly see it (even though I see the flaw as well) that this is what makes me feel okay so that is taking care of myself. And I argue that they are always trying to take away the one thing that I have left. I don't hate the e/d and I know I should, but I don't feel tortured by it, I feel tortured by letting go of it. And I wish it wasn't that way because I know it's wrong.
Okay, I know both those points are indeed - warped. But, that feels real to me and so that seems to be enough to carry me. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense or isn't real as long as it feels right.
Does that make sense?
11-22-2006, 10:47 AM
First, again let me extend my gratitudes and appreciation for all the feedback and insights. It is truly, truly appreciated.
Why wouldn't you think your past treatment history is relevant to your T?
Well... I don't know. There was a form in the beginning (you know those zillion page initial intakes) and it asked about that stuff but I left it blank. I didn't lie and say no about the suicide thing, but it's not something I ever wished to delve into and I don't (or didn't?) see how it really mattered now twenty years later. I didn't want to give everything away! Gosh, that sounds dumb... :ugh
Looking back on this whole experience, have you learned anything about yourself/your husband/your T that might help you to take fuller advantage of your T appts in the future???
Well, being it didn't "hurt" until later I'm now unsure about how I feel about that disclosure! But yeah - I "got" that my anticipation of a reaction is worse then the reaction. Hmmm...
have you been able to express some appreciation to your husband in retrospect after your T appt???
Oh boy - that poor man... I was such a wreck last night that I just retreated to my library and cried alone all night and tried to read and do my homework and I just couldn't say a word about it. Part of me wanted to thank him, part of me wanted to kick him. Since it is such a "bad topic" for me, I don't know what to say about it at all to him. But I don't want him to feel he did the wrong thing, so I need to say something. Because I'm not angry with him. I don't think he did the wrong thing. If I asked him to never bring things up when he was concerned he would not. But last week I was bawling that I couldn't get anyone to hear me, so he did that for me. And I'm not regretful about that.
I don't know - what should I say??? :sad
are you able to see at all how any topic which you feel so desperately adament NOT to talk about or explore in therapy are exactly those topics where you need to be directing your energy?
Yeah - maybe. But if it's so helpful why do I feel like such hell????
A helpful exercise for me, was to write a timeline for my T....Writing has always been much easier for me to face than speaking outloud. Does that sound like something you could try?
She has a big intake as I said earlier, but I left a few things out. Gawd, that sounds awful. I didn't lie! And she did say that I didn't have to answer anything I didn't feel comfortable answering and I didn't feel comfortable putting that there. Especially in writing! With my name on it!!
Last week she said as I was leaving if I thought of anything else I wanted to say about a certain something to call her but I'm not a phone person and would never do that. This week she said that if I had anything else to say on the topic to write her and email it to her and she'd write back... She usually doesn't say that. She's just like "see ya next week!" or write about it and bring it along or whatever. And what was funny is that I last night I sat there journaling and was thinking how I have a lot more to say on it! Too much to even fathom. But at the same time I was thinking - shut back the lid on that Pandora's Box and lock it! Who needs that grief?
From what I can tell, it has really seemed like something in your life needed to give so you could get a little relief. It sounds like your husband kind of gave things a little nudge in that direction, and maybe now your T can help continue to coax you along.
Yeah... it seems so. I have said a couple times that when I'm stuck, if someone pushes me hard enough I will usually keep moving in the right direction. I think he was pushing since I was sitting. I was saying I was stuck - he gave a shove.
I'm not ungrateful.
I just don't know what to do with it - ya know? Like great - I'm still upset about something from a long time ago. I don't quite know how to sit with that or what to do with it.
I told myself I was going to take a break from this for a week or two and just "be" and then I ended up in all this unexpected drama of my own head. ugh...
(ps - borboleta - I tried to message you but you have that feature turned off. )
11-22-2006, 06:41 PM
:hugon Maya :hugoff Just checking in to see how things were going?
You mentioned in your first post the reaction about the first person ( "friend" in h.s.) you told this too. Do you think the way she handled it (ie getting plastered and tellling others) has influenced whether or not you bring this up with your T? To be honest had I had a similar experience I probably would have done the same as you-leave that info out. But maybe the time has come to talk about it with your T.
11-22-2006, 10:59 PM
AAAH!!! Just typed in a long reply only to have my computer mysteriously close the Internet browser! GRRR!!! Will try to recreate it....
:hugon Maya :hugoff
I think you are on the verge of a major breakthrough. What nc said was exactly right. In fact, the funny thing is I actually did an art piece called "Reclaiming Pandora's Box", which is about this very topic. It's a mosaic box made in the style of old Greek mosaics, with images depicting goddess symbols on the sides. The idea is that we should reclaim our past, the hurts, the pain, whatever it is that makes up who we are. Part of the myth of Pandora, which you never hear about, is that after she opened the box the first time, she heard a tiny voice imploring her to open it again, so she did. At the bottom of the box was a tiny winged creature called "hope" who helped counteract the evils she had released by opening the box the first time. In the box I made, the inside is filled with stories, newspaper articles, and song lyrics that triggered painful memories for me, but hope is also at the bottom, in the form of a winged nymph. Closing the box is actually difficult because one has to take care to "fit" all the elements back in. I did this deliberately as a metaphor for how difficult it is to put everything back in once you open up and look inside yourself.... I'm afraid it's nearly impossible to go back now.
What you experienced was traumatic. There's no minimizing it and you do feel pain about it (rightly so... your parents were extremely negligent in not taking you to the doctor. You could have died!!). It's not a question of the type of abuse you suffered. I have gone through different types myself and I agree that the emotional stuff is far and away the most painful because it got at the core of who I was. Physical wounds heal, but emotional ones leave very painful scars....
I also think you have every right to want (and receive) what you were missing... which is love and nurturing. And before you roll your eyes and cringe, YES even you NEED nurturing! We don't grow out of that ever..... much less if we've never gotten it to begin with. I struggle with this a lot and I've said the exact same things to my T: "I can't ever get what I never had and I'm expecting too much from you." Her response was: "I want you to entertain the possibility that while it's true that you didn't get that kind of care when you were a child, you can have it now and that that is what I am giving you." I tell you, that scared the shit out of me--- partly because she was offering me what I so desperately craved, but also because I feel like it's not "real" since at some point I'll move on with my life. She said that she's just a "place holder" for me.... that her role is to hold that space for me so that I can build the right people around me in my life who will provide me with the kind of support I never had. I still have a hard time imagining that is possible.... especially now as I am utterly alone in the world.
I think the reaction you had is totally natural for someone who has been abused. You ended up feeling "worse" because talking about the trauma caused you to go back to that space in your mind.... a flashback or body memory of sorts. This is very normal for people who have suffered abuse. The bad news is it will feel worse before it feels better. The good news is that this too shall pass (or at least I hope it does because I know for me it is hell!). There isn't any other way out of your impasse, though... you're stuck looking at climbing the scary glacier with sheer ice walls or slipping down into the crevasse where you sure as hell won't be getting anyone to hear you no matter how much you shout.
What are you going to choose?
P.S. I think I turned off my AIM because the stupid icon was bugging me.... I'll remember to switch hit back on now...
11-25-2006, 10:18 AM
Just checking in to see how things were going?
I did bring this up that night, and I was really surprised by his reaction. Instead of being sort of nice and "I know it must have been hard to talk about it but I was concerned and thought it was important" I got total attitude. He was totally cocky about it!!! He literally leaned back in his chair and put his hands on his head and said "Well, sometimes I think I know what's best for you and I wasn't going to lie for you."
What????????? I never lied about this, ever. It was my choice to not bring it up and it was a choice I was given to present it or not. Maybe it was in my best interest, but his stance, his tone of voice and everything was... humiliating. He talked to me like a kid that got caught stealing. I was really, really surprised by that response. It wasn't at all what I expected. I ended up really hurt and angry and words were tossed about and we have barely spoken since then (Wed night). Today is our twelfth anniversary and neither of us even bothered to acknowledge it. :sad We arent' fighting & we aren't not speaking at all, I just don't want to really confide another thing in him if it's just going to be thrown back in my face in such a humiliating manner.
He knew how upset and shaken I was the other day - I really don't get the attitude. He apologized the next day saying he didn't mean to come off the way... but then why did he act like that? He was such an ass.
What a deeply insightful and really meaningful post. I read it several times. Girl, you are just oozing of wisdom.
I didn't know that about the story of Pandora - that's sure to stick in my head.
Closing the box is actually difficult because one has to take care to "fit" all the elements back in. I did this deliberately as a metaphor for how difficult it is to put everything back in once you open up and look inside yourself.... I'm afraid it's nearly impossible to go back now.
Ugh - don't say that. Because this girl wants that box sealed shut and then thrown in a river! And now it's been really eating at me ever since. I seriously keep trying to push it out of my head and it's driving me mad. I swear, it made things worse.
There's no minimizing it and you do feel pain about it (rightly so... your parents were extremely negligent in not taking you to the doctor. You could have died!!).
See, and that's what I can't shake. The whole thing sucked and was not a good situation, but what eats me is that really, they sort of metaphorically left me for dead by not responding. What does it say when the people that gave you life don't care if you lose it? I mean, that says a lot. I'm way past what they think of me, but that will always, always eat at me. It didn't bother me until I had kids - one of them that was a birth control failure and the pregnancy ultimately "ruined" all my dreams, future plans, etc. I was so angry and didn't want to keep him but I did. And I worried I'd be resentful of this kid. But I fell madly in love with him instantly and never felt anything but love and compassion for that boy. I thought the resentment might sneak up one day but it never did. I love him too much to resent anything about it. It was unconditional. Purely unconditional.
And then I realized that I broke that unconditional w/ my own parentals. That didn't exist. To this day, neither of them are interested in any part of my life except when on occasion my dad calls to hear if I'm still keeping up that four point GPA.
There is no way to not take that personally, ya know? I'm never, ever going to find what doesn't exist. I want to excise that part of me that still wants it and thus far, I've been unsuccessful. Thanksgiving was hideous. Just another ordinary day at our house, not a single family member interested in spending the day with us. It just makes it even worse...
There isn't any other way out of your impasse, though... you're stuck looking at climbing the scary glacier with sheer ice walls or slipping down into the crevasse where you sure as hell won't be getting anyone to hear you no matter how much you shout.
sigh... This makes sense. But I'm in this weird "hopeless" realm where I just literally feel too drained and exhausted to climb anymore and every fiber of me just wants to slide the rest of the way down. And I know that's not right, but I can't find a fiber of motivation. I don't know how to muster that up or create that. Or even why... I keep looking for it... but I can't find it and I can't help but wonder if it's just gone now...
I think I turned off my AIM because the stupid icon was bugging me....
I was trying to use the SF email link... I'm so computer daft I don't even know how to use the messenger! lol!
11-25-2006, 11:59 AM
Ouch! I can relate to the attitude reaction. I remember at one point my husband rolled his eyes at me when I told I was going through a rough spot. Like your husband he apologized later, but I was really hurt by it. It took him a while to realize all I needed at the time was soft spot to fall while going through this.
Borboleta made a point:
Closing the box is actually difficult because one has to take care to "fit" all the elements back in. I did this deliberately as a metaphor for how difficult it is to put everything back in once you open up and look inside yourself.... I'm afraid it's nearly impossible to go back now.
Maybe your husband was just trying to keep you from keeping that box sealed shut and then thrown in a river!
I agree with Borboleta too that it will probably feel worse before it feels better-unfortunately. I wish Ihad more comforting words for you right now, but "hang in there" is all I canthink of at the moment. ( I know that sounds pretty lame an inadequate at the moment)
11-25-2006, 04:34 PM
:hugon Maya :hugoff
Wow! Thanks for the compliment! I'm so :touched and glad I can be of help.
I got total attitude. He was totally cocky about it!!! He literally leaned back in his chair and put his hands on his head and said "Well, sometimes I think I know what's best for you and I wasn't going to lie for you."
You're right... he was an ass about it. However, it seems to me he was also angry at you because he knows how you operate.... like me, you're a master at finding the loopholes and then being "innocent" because you followed the rules and didn't lie. Except you omitted the truth! I do this so much that my T had to rewrite safety contract several times because I kept finding my way around them. We'd make good lawyers.... lol!
Seriously, though... do you think your husband was just pissed at you for playing the "I haven't been lying" game? Certainly the sanctimonious crap was a power play and not at all called for (also very passive aggressive behavior).
The whole thing sucked and was not a good situation, but what eats me is that really, they sort of metaphorically left me for dead by not responding. What does it say when the people that gave you life don't care if you lose it? I mean, that says a lot. I'm way past what they think of me, but that will always, always eat at me. And then I realized that I broke that unconditional w/ my own parentals. That didn't exist. To this day, neither of them are interested in any part of my life except when on occasion my dad calls to hear if I'm still keeping up that four point GPA.
I :ear you totally. The best I could do with my parents was disappear. When I was in college we literally never talked unless they called me. It has usually been that way ever since, although now they don't call because they don't think I want to hear from them (and they're right about that). My mother sort of recently started showing an interest in what I do for a living. My dad has never shown any interest at all except when he wants to lecture me about how I approach my work all wrong. My sister said a couple of years ago that she was trying to explain to her then-fiance what I do for a living and she realized she didn't know. I've been in the same field for more than ten years! I tried to explain to her what I do and then I saw her eyes were glazing over, so I gave up.
I'm never, ever going to find what doesn't exist. I want to excise that part of me that still wants it and thus far, I've been unsuccessful. Thanksgiving was hideous. Just another ordinary day at our house, not a single family member interested in spending the day with us. It just makes it even worse...
I've been told it does exist and we can get "mothering" from people who are nurturing. One just has to find the right person. My T provides a lot of that for me at the moment and I know she too was horribly abused as a child. Last time I asked her if she has people in her life now who are nurturing and "mothering". She said she does (not her parentals, who have since died) and she's sixty years old. So you're never too young for that.
I'm sorry Thanksgiving was so rough for you. I think maybe the problem is you're still trying too hard to be that "perfect" child for your family. Stop trying because they're never going to "get" you, let alone value the wonderful contributions you make in your family and in the world (and yes, you are making wonderful contributions right here in the :bowl). They don't see you any more than my parents see me, because we're not like them and they can't tolerate anything different.
Can you make a pact with yourself and your family that next year Thanksgiving will be about sharing with people you truly care about and who care about you? For two years in a row I've spent Thanksgiving with people who aren't able to be with their families (mostly international types). My T says she hosts an "orphan's Thanksgiving" for friends who either don't have families to go to or whose families are too far away. You might consider approaching the holidays with a new definition of family that isn't based on biology....
11-27-2006, 03:12 PM
mommytofour - thanks for understanding. I'll gladly take a "hang in there!" :grin
I hear what you are saying but I still have a hard time with that specific as the T did say that I didn't have to put anything down on those forms that I wasn't comfortable with. And I wasn't comfortable with that. Especially not in writing. And I sought out her "help" originally for the e/d crap and that seemed to me to have nothing to do with it. Even now, talking about that won't help. Actually, in retrospect it did make things worse. It's been nearly a week and I'm still really upset and jumpy and way worse then I was even a week ago. And it was just weird to me what he chose to disclose. He mentioned that, but not the current stuff that he's nagging at me about.
It's the current stuff that I don't mention that I feel funny about. Though if she asked, I'd say. I'm not trying to be secretive or hide it, I just can't seem to ever bring it up. But when it comes to the eating stuff, there is nothing anymore anyone can say about that would make it easier and right now, it's just not happening. In a week or so anyone, she'll be gone until after New Years so it seems stupid to bring it up now as its' just not going to change.
As for the parents, I'm waaaaaay over being their perfect child. They have never taken an interest no matter what I did so I don't even try to impress them. How could I - they wouldn't be around to see any accomplishments. They'd never know. I just hate holidays because most people do have *real* families and we don't. It's just lonely. Literally everyone we know has big families so we know no "orphans". That's a lovely idea though. :-)
Oh - and I did end up emailing the T with a very brief thing I had wanted to add regarding what people don't "get" about my whole thirteen year old thing. And I added at the end that that was all I had to say about it. She clearly didn't hear that part b/c she added in her response that maybe we could discuss that Tues. What does she think "that's all I have to say on the matter" mean? I'm so over that topic!!! :ummm
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