View Full Version : How do I stay strong? Got to hold on just a little bit longer...

11-09-2006, 01:01 AM
Hey Fishys,
I'm trying to pay attention to myself and do a little preventative stuff here.

:trigger (talks about frequency of purging)

So, being real and honest, I know I can't wait much longer. The desire to purge is getting really powerful. I haven't purged in three days :yay, but it's killing me. I want to SO BAD :cry. It's like a drug, and as much as I hate to say this, it feels strangly good to me. The old "bulimic high".

I talked to my doc today and she said that given the extreame amount of stress I'm under right now, she's very proud of me and suggested that I do the best I can. She said she didn't want me to purge (obviously), but suggested some preventitive measures I could do if I did for my safety. At least we're all being realistic here, right? :wacky

I don't even know if I'm technically bulimic because I don't binge usually, but purge normal meals. It's frightening and I hate it, but I'm working as hard as I can. This won't just go away, so I'm trying to take it one step at a time. My typical cycle right now is purging every other day once or twice on average, and I'm trying to extend that.
I guess, I really need sugestions on how to hold on just a little bit longer. If I "must" purge then I want to wait as long as possible so I'm breaking the cycle a little bit.

What do you tell yourself?
What can I think about?
How do I fight these feelings?

I just want to make it one more day. That's all I ask. Then it will be four days and I will feel like I acomplished something. I know I can't just quit, but I've got to progress somehow in some way.

Any help? Please? Even if it's an :ear, :challenge, or a :gimmehug?
I've GOT to fight this. I refuse to give in. One day at a time, that's all I'm asking right now.


11-09-2006, 08:15 AM
Ways to stay strong when under pressure.
Each morning I get up and go outside and pick fresh flowers for the table.
Just getting outside walking and being in the fresh air help.
Each morning I get of my knees and pray for God to help me in this new day to do his will, lead me in health and balance.
Each day I write a little. If the eating disorder is bugging me I challenge it with my healthy voice by dividing a piece of paper in half and having the two debate.
Doing the self-help section here on the fishy site is also helpful.
Look through what others here have written and you will find many ways to help you work your recovery. Remember, staying well is just for today. Focus on recovery one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Warmly, khodem-kathy

11-09-2006, 12:00 PM
:hugon Kathy :hugoff thank you for the suggestions. The little things really do make a difference, and I'm trying to work a little more self-care into my life. You seem so insightful as to what's going in on your life! That's wonderful. I especially like that you let the two sides have a debate on paper. That's a good idea.


I'm still strong. I haven't purged, but I can hardly eat. I'm so anxious, and eating makes me feel so terribly full. It doesn't matter what I eat, eating is just painful. I hate it. This sense of "fullness" has been building. That's what happens. This feeling builds and builds until I can't eat, I can't work, I can't function until I purge. I purge all the fullness away and things look so much clearer. It's sick and it's sad and that's what I want to stop. That's why I'm working so hard to end this cycle.

I ate lunch today and I swear, I thought it was going to kill me. I was so panicy and exhausted from fighting the urges. I ended up lying on my floor, shaking, tears rolling down my face, just because I couldn't purge. I felt so pathetic, but I guess, in an effort to try and give myself a little credt, I made it through another meal. I'm so determined to fight this, but I've never been this worn out before.

I truly hope I can make it through today. This post is such a powerful example to me how this ED has taken away so much from me. I just can't believe this is real. I'm fighting with mind and body about not purging, but it's as if I don't have control over it. Like something is posessing me to put my fingers down my throat. It's so stupid, but so scary and real. Still, I'm trying. Just a bit longer I keep saying to myself. On moment at a time.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?


11-09-2006, 04:51 PM
Fishys, I don't like to whine, but I've got to get this out.

:trigger (strong emotions)

This is HELL. I'm trying to be calm. I'm so hungry. It's time to eat. I need to eat. I have to perform a dance tonight and I need the energy.
I'm seriously sitting here crying, again :cry. I don't do that. I'm trying to eat crackers. I like them and they are good for me. Honestly, this shouldn't be a big dea :whateva.

I seriously feel so ill. Like I'm being pulled in two different directions. There is a war in my head and everyone is SCREAMING! :zoinks One side is like: "Hunger! You need food! Eat this, it's good! It's not a binge because it's time to eat! See? It even tastes good!"
The other side is saying: "No! Look at all the weight you've gained by not purging this week! Feel that food? I shouldn't be in your mouth. It's wrong. You're wrong! Stop it now!"

And so here I am. Crying and trying to type this. Trying to actually swollow this cracker. And I swear, it's killing me. My skin is literally crawling and even opening my mouth makes me want to gag but I'm not actually nausious :confused.

Maybe this was what te nurse meant when she said "If you don't get enough sleep you will literally begin to feel like you're going crazy :wacky"?

I hate this all (by that I mean EDs) so much.

Please, if you read this, could I have a hug? This is really not fun at all.

11-09-2006, 06:09 PM
:gimmehug recovery is hard for some of us it's the hardest thing we will ever do.
When I was struggling I went to therapy twice a week. It helped a lot.
Laying down after you eat to relax and let you food digest is fine.
I still do that at times.
Crying, crying away you are losing a friend (a back stabbing friend) one that will harm you more than anything else.
Keep eating. Trying eating just a little every few hours.
Keep writing, keep praying it does get easlier.
It didn't happen over night and it's going to take some time.
One day at a time, one moment at a time.
Hold on tight and don't let go

Warmly, khodem-kathy

11-09-2006, 08:51 PM
You can have loads of hugs, hon. :gimmehug :gimmehug

I know this is so hard. I wish I had some advice, but since I'm pretty much in the same situation - really struggling with my ED - I don't have any. All I can say is that I totally hear you and you are not alone.

Posting helps me fight the urge. If I want to purge, sometimes I'll come here and make myself respond positively to some of the fishies and it helps put the idea in my head that purging isn't solving any of my problems. It dosn't always work, but it's worth a shot.

Hang in there, babe. This will get better, it just takes time. Many more hugs! :gimmehug :gimmehug

11-11-2006, 10:02 AM
Thank you Kathy and Martina!
Well, I'm doing ok. I haven't purged since Sunday night now. That's a long time, and I still don't feel comfortbale with it, but I'm trying. The only way this will get better is if I keep pushing myself to go "just a little bit longer", right? Soon that little bit becomes a lot. My stomach has been simply feeling awful, but I know some of that is anxiety, too. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself and I'm working to make progress!
Thanks again, everyone for all the support!

11-11-2006, 10:12 AM
You are doing great, keep it up :gimmehug

11-11-2006, 04:47 PM
Thanks, my friend! I'm still going! It's exhausting to fight yet rewarding. It's a worthy fight. Each hour I'm going is for the kids I take care of. For now, that's keeping me accountable.

I really want to be recoverED some day.