They don't respect me

[Skyward]

My biggest fear is that people don't respect me - that they think I am worthless and pathetic.
:sleepy
This fear lives in the back of my mind and I carry it with me every day of my life. I eat to distract myself from it and to try to make it go away...but it never does. Some days I'm good - I bury and silence the fear and I am free to just live AS ME. It is on these days that I actually have control over my life and over how I see myself. But on the bad days - the days when something triggers me - the fear and the shame come rushing back and suck all the life out of me. Everything changes...everything turns horrible.
:sleepy
I am so scared every day of people just laughing at me and thinking I'm the most pathetic thing that has ever walked the planet. I really see myself this way. I see myself as EMBARRASSINGLY weak and EMBARRASSINGLY pathetic. When I slip into this horrible mindset, I feel like people just look at me and feel bad for me because I look so weak and pathetic and helpless.
:sleepy
Some days, the paranoia is so bad that I feel I have to GET OUT NOW from whereever I am - I have to GET AWAY from people because they are all against me and they all know how utterly pathetic I am...This horrifies me when it happens, and causes any self-confidence I once had to crumble away, leaving me weak and terrified and desperately looking to others for help.
:sleepy
This is so bad, you guys. I am trapped by this - I am not free. I can't live with this anymore.

[gone]

:gimmehug
:gimmehug

Skyward- I bet you don't see other people as hopelessly pathetic or worthless. So what makes you think that other people would see you that way?

Why do you feel like people are going to look at you and think you are worthless?

[Skyward]

:hugon :hugon greenangel :hugoff :hugoff

I think that people will think I'm worthless and lame and pathetic and weak when I express any sort of need for them. I think that expressing need/emotion/feelings for people is a HUGE sign of weakness. Probably because I was ALWAYS rejected for that when I was a child - by my father, by other kids. I NEVER felt loved or wanted or that anyone even wanted me around. So now, whenever I feel the desire to connect with someone - just as friends, or even as just someone to talk to - I feel extremely ashamed for that and I feel like a burden on that person.

Whenever I meet new coworkers at work - or new people in general - I start feeling reeeeeeally vulnerable because when I participate in conversation there is this little voice in the back of my head that says, "Nobody wants to hear/cares what you have to say- SHUT UP." And a lot of times when I can even get to the point of getting close to someone, I often end up running the other way sooner or later because I am afraid that one day they are going to turn around and say, "Just kidding - did you really think that I liked you?!?" I have like, zero self-respect in the context of wanting to connect with other people.

I can be pretty open at the :bowl because it's via cyberspace and I don't have to see any of you. I feel much freer to express myself this way. But I guarantee you, if we were to set up a time to meet or something, I'd probably freak out and act like a total bitch, despite our history at the :bowl.

I'm :wacky.

[sflathinker]

Self esteem and self worth determine perception. Perception determines reality. Respct comes from within and if you don't respect yourself, or feel you deserve respect, then you will likely seek out situations that 'prove' you aren't worthy or look for the negative in every situation to uphold your belief that you aren't respected. Vicious cycle. THe cure begins with learning to like yourself and believing that you do have something to offer.

We all have times where we say something silly or times we are flat our wrong in our assessment. But you are your own harshest critic, most people are worried about themselves and are not judging you.

[Skyward]

:hugon :hugon mara :hugoff :hugoff

Self esteem and self worth determine perception. Perception determines reality. Respct comes from within and if you don't respect yourself, or feel you deserve respect, then you will likely seek out situations that 'prove' you aren't worthy or look for the negative in every situation to uphold your belief that you aren't respected. Vicious cycle.

The vicious cycle of my life! I've been going 'round & 'round in circles this way for years. And you're right - what it comes down to is the fact that I do not believe that I have anything of worth or substance to offer in the first place, and even that I deserve to be treated like shit by other people. Back when I was actually social - the prehistoric days - I always used to marvel at how so much shit seemed to cross my path. Now, of course, I see that I invited most of it into my life...and now that I'm starting to get a weeeeee bit social I am starting to catch glimpses of the old me again, and it's making me sick. I do not like how weak I am, how timid and shell-shocked I am, how dependent on others I am in social settings. It's bad. Makes me sick.

I just need to GET IT TOGETHER. :mad

[gone]

It's OK to express needs! That doesn't make you a weak person. I've always felt that it means you are a strong person- like Clint Eastwood says, "A man's gotta know his limitations." If you know you need help, and you ask for it, chances are good that you're going to get it, and the other person is going to be impressed that you had the courage to ask.

I am sorry that you never felt loved or wanted as a child and feel that way as an adult. I know you are feeling this and it feels real, but it's one of those distorted thoughts. You are a person of worth and value. You're not a burden, and I bet people do like having you around!

You are going to get it together, I promise. It takes time, but if you work on it a little every day, journal and think about it and try to get in new social settings, it's going to slowly start to come together.

[The Becoming]

Hi Skyward
I have to smile and sigh reading your posts coz its exactly what I'm working through! I relate to fearing people will reject me, discover I'm weak or stupid or dumb or something that is wrong and ugly! This really affects my ability to stay connected with others, to feel good about myself, to feel okay about life. Like you, i get triggered somedays and life becomes very bleak. usually I end up blaming myself and hating myself for the pain I suffer and my inability to be positive and grateful for my life.

I went to my T yesterday after being stuck in this stuff and I realised that these feelings relate to a time in my adolescence when I was abandoned by my dad, fighting with my mum, rejected by boys and some important friends. I didn't understand why I was being so hated, why I wasn't getting the reaction I hoped for - why weren't they loving me and enjoying me? What was wrong with me?? (This is really when my ed kicked in. The answer for me was that my body was wrong and I should fix it. Nowadays I add that I am wrong for feeling these feelings of self-loathing and must fix it.)

No one was mirroring back to me that I was okay. That I was just bloomin fine. No "mirrors" I could see my true self in, no one connected to me, loving me, affirming me. Funny how the actual mirror began to taunt me too.

These are the things I think I know about this stuff....

*I now realise these fears relate to a time in the past that is painful. I think I need to somehow revisit that time and grieve and love myself for suffering that

*I realise that this rejection-risk is not necessarily the case now, I bring that fear to situations but I'm not a child anymore, my world isn't so unsafe as it was back then

*I must love and accept myself. If others dislike me, it's their shit. There are people who love me and stay with me even when they know I'm needy and "fucked up"! I must nurture those relationships I have with people who mirror my worth and lovable-ness back to me. I must find a way to stay connected to those people even when it scares me that they'll go the same way as others who abandoned me.

*I must love and accept myself. Practise practise practise self-acceptance, affirmations, thought-stopping, stop put downs, stop inner abuse

*I must love and accept myself. This means I must face the un-lovely parts of myself, my behaviour, those things I feel shame about - I must face them and see that I am acceptable and lovable despite them. I must forgive those un-lovely parts and call my real self out from under all that pain and shame and fear. And I must have others to support me, to mirror this back to me.

*I must forgive myself that I need support in this area. That I do not feel secure in my self-worth. That I do need validation. My head knows the logical thing is that I'm as fine as any other person but I must experience love and safety and acceptance somehow in my world to cement this.

I have a wound. Yelling at myself for having it ain't helping the healing process! I just end up scared with a wound.

I'd love to talk more with you about this. This is at the heart of my recovery journey.
It helps to know I'm not alone.
I wish you peace tonight. We are on the right track...it's scary but I think this is the way we need to proceed.
Much love
The Becoming :lubdub :lubdub

[Skyward]

:hugon greenangel :hugoff

You are a person of worth and value. You're not a burden, and I bet people do like having you around! Thank you for your kind words and support :love. I try to remind myself that I am valuable, that I matter, and that I am influential (i.e. I am not invisible and people really DO see me and hear the things that I say), but I just don't like myself. Every yucky thing that I think/believe about myself comes right to the surface when I get around people.

What do I think about myself?
:bullet That I am weird and make people uncomfortable
:bullet That I am innately bad and people can see that
:bullet That I don't fit in with anyone and it's obvious and it makes people not want to be around me

I kind of step outside of myself at work - like I'm looking at myself from another person's perspective or multiple people's perspectives - and all I see is this weird, creepy, ugly girl. Mind you, I'm not ugly...but for some reason, whenever I have to look anyone in the eye and talk to them, unless I can convince myself that they're sexually attracted to me :wacky, I feel so unbelieveably UGLY.

I don't really know anyone at work really well yet as I haven't been there long, but whenever I have casual conversations with people the MAIN thing that runs through my head the entire duration of the conversation is, "He/she thinks I am SO ugly". And sometimes it progresses to, "He/she is DISGUSTED by me and is only coming over to talk to me because they feel bad that I am such a freak." This is what I think of myself. It's just one big mess. :sleepy

The only time I actually LIKE myself is when I can be alone and immerse myself in JUST ME. But lately, as soon as anyone else comes around, I lose sense of MY view of myself and start projecting all my insecurities onto other people.

I just can't deal with it. I feel so invisible and ugly and unwanted in the presence of others. I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF!!! I don't know where *I* go to, but I certainly don't stay with myself. :hugon The Becoming :hugoff, I really see how much work you have done on "self" matters and I really admire you for how far you've come. You've articulated everything so clearly here - about self-love and self-acceptance - and as I sit here and read it I think, "That will NEVER be me. I will NEVER be able to think of myself in such a kind way!" It's because all I do is punish myself. Over and over. Oftentimes, just thinking about loving and accepting myself makes me sick, because I don't see how anyone could love and accept someone as gross and wrong and "off" as I am.

But, what has been making this situation worse is the fact that lately I have been really trying to get my coworkers to like me. Ugh, I know! I wasn't this way AT ALL when I first started the job - I couldn't care less about people liking me, in fact - but I started getting scared that I would never, ever fit in on my team and would be seen as the big ol' ne'er do well, so I started regressing a bit back to my old, people-pleasing self. It doesn't feel very good AT ALL. Maybe that's why I haven't been liking myself lately - because I'm not living for myself and keeping myself as my number one priority. But what do you do when who you are doesn't really fit with what is expected of you at your job? ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG..........I just don't feel like I really connect with ANYONE over there...I hate all of this.

Sorry for the ramble. I am all :ear.

[The Becoming]

Dear Skyward

Its okay, this is the way through though it is terrifying to feel this way about yourself.

What I am realising is that these feelings of self-loathing and despair I experience are often tied to a memory of some sort that needs to be explored and revisited. Is there a time in your childhood when you felt you didn't belong, weren't right etc that feels similar to your work situation?

I feel quite a lot of despair at the moment because of how overwhelmed I am by these feelings of inadequacy and shame, but I am still loving myself and believing that I am okay. Its just not possible that I am so much worse/ugly/defective than everyone else - my logical mind knows that. I just need to cry and feel this stuff.

My T thinks its like I have a series of "slides", memories from the past, that keep this emotion coming up for me. They relate to my childhood/adolescence and the way I felt defective and ugly when I experienced abandonment by my parents and friends. To cope with the pain I ate and became overweight - I carried my shame in my body for all to see. He says the way out is for me to keep working through it, "putting it out there" and "bringing it to life" with the group I'm starting to be involved with. There are ways you can do that without a group though, with your T or using art - any way to express these experiences. Then you can release the fear and shame and feeling that is tied up with these times and find you are a little freer each time.

I don't know if any of that is helpful but I hope so! Thank you for your encouraging words, hun.

Can you tell me about the memory that comes to you that connects to the same energy/feeling you have at the moment? If you want to. No pressure.

The Becoming xx

[Skyward]

:hugon The Becoming :hugoff

Hi :gimmehug.

I haven't been around in a while. To update, things have been going much better at work. As I started to spend more time with my coworkers, I actually started to remember how to socialize with people and how fun it can be. Pre-recovery I was extremely social and had people around me most of the time, even though inside I was miserable & dying (though I wasn't connected with those feelings because I was Queen of Detachment & Denial :sarcasm). Anyway, this is the FIRST time in a year and a half that I have actually felt AWAKE :balloons. I finally woke up :happy. It's about damn time!

Of course, my newfound interest in connecting with others has brought along with it some new, ugly things that I'm being forced to face about myself. I know that it is necessary for me to face these things because it is the only way out of the mess I'm in. Still, it's so hard and painful. Again, somehow I've broken free from most of the ~intense~ shame that was really holding me back at work, but once the weekend hits I get really scared again and crawl back into my shell. Work starts looking scary again and I start to dread going back, even though when I'm THERE I feel good. I'm just trapped in such an icky mindset.

I am realizing that a lot of the things I believe about myself are just lies...but I don't know how to break free of them and I feel a huge amount of shame for this. Knowing that I do not feel in control of my own life because I get so afraid of others is really, really depressing. Being able to identify this is essential, but whenever I think about it I feel weak and ridiculous...a real sad & sorry case. My first instinct is always to punish myself and put myself down in my head, and that just increases my feelings of shame.

I seem to be REALLY SCARED of actually being confident and breaking free from the mindset that I have to please others at all times because I am under their control. I am scared to accept the fact that I am a truly admirable person whom I should esteem very highly - instead, I tell myself that everyone else is great and admirable and perfect, while I am sh*t. I am also so scared of admitting to myself and accepting that I can acccomplish bigger and better things...I am scared to see myself in that light. :confused

Why does it scare me to embrace the confidence that I HAVE and take control of my own life? Why is it easier and eerily more desirable for me to give all my power to other people? I don't know. Maybe I am afraid that once I really step out and start living for myself that I will be shot down by others...I am afraid that the bad things I think about myself are really the TRUTH. In short, I am terrified of failing.

Any words of wisdom, I am all :ears.

:love