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View Full Version : After all this time, am I ready?


champagnesippin
10-17-2001, 12:24 PM
Hi all. I'm new to this site in general and this is my first post on this board. Quick intro: I'm Jen, ********, junior in college, have anorexia in a way, but purge what I do eat. I'm sure you get the idea. My problem for the day is guys. I have major trust and sex issues. I'm going to throw this all out on the table, which I've never ever done. Please do not lose respect for me, because I know this will offend some people.

When I was ********, I was gang raped by four guys and got pregnant. I was a virgin prior to the experience. My psychiatrist advised me to abort, and I did. I got over the abortion in a way, much better than if there was a child out there that belonged to me. Sometimes I think I'm over the rape. Sometimes I know I'm not.

I've met a guy at work who I really like. I could possibly fall in love with him. He's everything I want in a guy. He likes me as well.

Last weekend, I stayed the night at his place because it was **** AM anyways, and I had a bit to drink. I just didn't want to risk getting pulled over. He's a virgin as well (do you think it's OK I consider myself one?? ) but this weekend we got carried away. We *almost* had sex. I couldn't do it. Am I going to be like this my whole life? I don't know what I think will happen if I do it. It's just strange. I started getting memories of the rape. I can't think about it just sitting here, I can't remember the faces or the events. Only in my dreams I can. But this weekend, when we were lying there, I could see one of the guys' faces. I'm a mess.

At any rate, just to tie this all in. I quit eating after this event occurred. I dyed my hair. I started to lay out and be tan. I started using more makeup. I've done all that I can to not look like that girl I was at ********.

I'm babbling now. Anyone can answer, I know I strayed off the subject.

Feel free to email : Champagnesippin@aol.com.

Much love to all, hope you guys have a good day.

Gelfling
10-17-2001, 02:51 PM
:hugon Jen :hugoff

Obviously I can't tell you a magic secret to knowing when you are ready or not. I can however say that it is possible to have an active and healthy sexual life after abuse. It is not easy, but it is possible.
Also, it sounds like you have found a very wonderful boyfriend to share yourself with. Does he know about the rape? Do you want to tell him?

And remember you were a beautiful person before the rape and you are still beautiful now. I am sure you boyfriend can see that in you.

:flower Take care :flower
:love Lori

champagnesippin
10-17-2001, 03:51 PM
I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm a beautiful person, but we won't get into that, since I can't be too negative. Besides, people will merely tell me I'm too hard on myself, and that's not the case.

At any rate, no he doesn't know about the rape and no I am not going to tell him. I haven't told anyone except online where I know I'll never meet anyone in real life. There's nothing to say about it to him. Besides, then maybe he'll realize I'm tarnished goods.

swoop
10-18-2001, 04:54 AM
I hear your pain and sympathize with your struggle. Let me ask you this ... If your boyfriend told you that he was sexually abused by his mother ... what would you think or "realize" about him?

...I'll await your reply (insert smiley face here ... since I still can;t do those blasted graphics)

champagnesippin
10-18-2001, 08:44 AM
If my boyfriend told me his mother had sexually abused him, I'd feel sorry for him. I don't want that. I don't want pity. Not to mention, every time we got close, I'd worry that I was hurting him.

FallenAngel
10-18-2001, 12:58 PM
:hugon Jen :hugoff

:trigger (talks about rape and sex stuff!)

Honey, I understand your pain and I can completely relate to where you're coming from. I was raped at knifepoint when I was fifteen. I'm twenty-two now, and I can honestly say that I've dealt with it, I've made peace with it, I'm okay with what happened to me. It took a while for me to be able to say those words, but what I finally had to realize is that it happened *TO ME*
It happened TO me. I didn't choose to be attacked, I couldn't stop him, I had no control over the situation. I could have made choices that would have prevented me from being in the situation, but HE is the one who chose to get violent. He has to take all the responsibility for that choice.
That's a big thing to learn - that there's no way this could have been prevented. But in a way that's the most empowering thing for you to learn. When you admit you couldn't have changed what happened, you take the blame off yourself, which is necessary for the recovery process to begin. You are not responsible for the attack, they are. They should bear all the guilt, shame, and blame for raping you. Unfortunately, I know that's not how you feel right now, but sweetheart, it's not your fault. It is not your fault.

You are not "tarnished goods." For you to have survived an attack like that, you have to be so amazingly brave, and I hope you realize that!! I know you don't want pity, but you deserve support. If you want to be closer with your boyfriend, it may help to tell him. He'll probably be more understanding than you think, and he'll also know how to treat you when you two get "intimate." From what I've seen, most rape victims go one of two ways when it comes to future romantic encounters - either they avoid it completely because they're afraid of it and the flashbacks, or they sleep with anyone and everyone in a futile attempt to regain some of that lost control. I fell into the second category. Not something I'm proud of, but that's how I dealt. And I never really enjoyed sex until recently. Sure I've been with a lot of guys (I'm a little ashamed of that, but it's part of my past and part of what made me who I am today), but I never really liked it. I can finally enjoy sex, but it took a lot to get here. It took a very patient boyfriend willing to go very slow and talk to me during the act, ask me if I wanted this or that, made me realize that it really is a *choice* to sleep with someone!

Ok, that was a really long ramble, but I hope it helps in some way. It really is okay to talk about what happened to you! Tell someone in real life, find a rape survivors support group, or something like that. You deserve support, and there's no need for you to be beating yourself up over this!

Take care of yourself, beautiful woman.

swoop
10-18-2001, 01:41 PM
Those feelings of "pity" and not wanting to hurt him are a normal reaction of people who care about other people. The next stage might be to get angry at the person who hurt the person you love (or just plain get angry). Then comes acceptance. (I probably skipped some things) The point is that you would feel lots of things and pity is only one of them. Would you stop loving him? Would you leave him? Or, would you feel closer to him? Just some questions.

Mimi
10-18-2001, 05:11 PM
:hugon :hugon :angel Jen :angel :hugoff :hugoff

Sweetie, I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure. Having been both sexually abused and raped, I can relate to where you are coming from. But you are not dirty, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it wasn't your fault. You are a SURVIVOR!!

As far as getting involved with someone, that is something only you can tell. I am engaged to a wonderful guy who allows me the time and space to heal. It is possible! I have also been with guys who told me to "just move on." The other :fishys had some great advice. :stars Swoop :stars is so right~there are many stages that your bf would go through (my fiance has been through a range of emotions)

Have you been in therapy for what happened to you? You really should. And there is also the safety zone/abuse board here at SF.

Sending you all the support and :love in the world.

champagnesippin
10-18-2001, 05:17 PM
Have you been in therapy for what happened to you? You really should. And there is also the safety zone/abuse board here at SF. >>

LOL... In the past five years I've been on ******** different meds, seen probably ******** therapists, two psychiatrists, and a handful of various shrinks. nothing worked. The meds made me fat, which was basically water gain.. now I don't eat in fear I'll look like that again. i will never go to a doctor again.

arance
10-18-2001, 07:38 PM
my boyfriend died instead. it was years ago, i was the first time better after the (first time) ed and had very few friends. i knew him better and better... but he never arrived to be a real boyfriend. he died in a car crash a year before i would go to high school, he was some years older than me. i was really down, alone... for a very long time.

it took years to go thru. when i met guys, I had then to apologise that i fell in the past. i managed to forget him but everytime i wanted to know a guy i remembered things i didn't want and i just *couldn't* do anything. it ended always I apologised i felt bad ... and the guys arounfd ******** do not want to feel mortal.

so i was over twenty when i met my ex.. .with whom i finally managed to go it over. his girlfriend had died on the same way. so we both had to go back behind to go on. i still miss him (even maybe he was more as a freind due to my age) and now i have broken with the ex... i just want to encourage you. let it take its time... when you feel you are ready then you are. maybe it takes just time. i had to explain to him, and to the previous ones (yet they were not the right persons for me i guess), otherwise i could not go on. i know a death has little to do with this but it was an other block, stopped going forward and like the rape, it was not my (or your in your case) fault. what could i have done otherwise? i could only have been in the same car, but i wasn't.

life will go on... i am sure you will go over it when you are ready. if you feel like talking to me please do, use my yahoo handle. :-)