Reality Esteem

[Pella]

:hugonfishies:fishy:hugoff
Grappling with the question of.... is your state of self-esteem a constant? Or can it come and go like feelings? I think it can come and go based on what you're going through. Cause at times I feel like I have self-respect and feel pretty good about myself. Other times something can occur and I find myself in the dumps about mySELF This whole thing about how you have to fix your feelings before you do something, especially something scary.....I don't know about that?:scared Is self-esteem something you have to have before you can succeed? Doing something....even if you're afraid is good. I think through repeated exposure it helps build up the self-esteem. I've found that to be true at least in my life. There's an intelligence in action itself. There's always going to be situations that you fear....but if you tackle them and come out on the other side....it's a good thing and gives you the confidence to attempt other stuff....you might not have if you wallowed in fear and depression. Just thoughts.:happy
Love beth :sun

[Garth]

Greetings Beth ,

How are you?

I can think of nothing much constant in this world . . . especially what I think . . . and how I feel about myself . It is so seductive to yearn for some sort of magical formula . . . the right thing to do or say . . . or feel . . . all the while hoping it will make my life . . . hmmmm . . . healthy or perfect . . . whatever that is !
I wish I could offer you more . . but I am kind of floundering right now . . . . just somewhere in the middle of it all .
I wonder . . . how do we define self esteem ?
What or who defines success?
Just beneath the surface of the doings and goings of our busy world . . . . is the heart of life . I am lost in all the doings and goings of this life . . . but find a home . . in my heart. The problem I'm having is even finding it sometimes . . . it seems I lose my way often . . . but sooner or later . . . I return . . . . and it is always there waiting . . . open arms .

Bless your heart Beth

:love Garth :sun

[Pella]

:hugonGarth:hugoff
I find myself in a good place these days....thanks for asking!:happy We have a real life of our own. Yes we do. recognizing it.....that's the valuable venture. But, I agree it would be way cool to have a magical formula to help us on the journey!
Reading your posts and replies, I've caught a glimpse of your heart:love and soul and I think you have it....you know what that magical potion is!!?
IT'S LOVE
To recognize we're deserving of love. That we can do loving things for ourselves. And we can love others and let them love us. Actually, I'm surprised anyone could make any sense out of my post-----I was really off with my thoughts that evening?!!

You ask about the defination of self-esteem? Well....you're are right...WHO defines success or self-esteem? It can be SO individual. a step in the right direction for bettering my own self-esteem would be to let go of my extreme need for approval. Those unmet needs have given others control over me at times. I CAN approve of myself. In the end, that's the only approval that counts. Then I can tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe. I want to be able to trust that my self-care is appropriate with healthy motives. You say you wish you could offer more in your reply? Garth...there is such comfort in just "relating" bouncing:bounce asking questions, sharing, and acknowledgement! Thank you for your relpy and bless your :love too.
Love beth :sun

[Garth]

:hugonBeth:hugoff

Yes . . :happy . . Yes . . :happy . . Yes
Love is that wonderful potion !
I have a BIG smile on my face

I know what you mean about wondering if your post makes sense :shy
It's funny . . . even here . . . how I can be measuring my worth
by wether or not someone replies . . . and or what is said .
Wow . . . such a desire for approval and acceptance !

For all the love I have in my heart . . . the hardest part . .
is as you say . . putting it into action .
It is frusatrating at times . . . because I am not fully connected with myself . As much as bulimia has hurt my mind and body . . . the hurt of my spirit is worse of all .

I have had few periods over the last fourteen years that I have been free from bulimia . I've prayed and wished for some place to go . . to be . . and heal . Meanwhile . . life has been happening. I discovered with the help of a dear therapist ten years ago . . that just because I experience this dis-ease . . doesn't mean I cannot live life like everyone else . I am no more . . no less.
This experience has awakened in me . . the love you see right here and now . Can I love myself . . . for being human ? . . . . for all I do . . . wether deemed good or bad . . healthy or unhealthy ? I found I can . . and do . . otherwise I probably would not be here . In loving all of myself . . . especially the unsightly . . . smelly . . no one wants to look at parts of myself . . . loving others is simple .

I'm never going to be close to perfect in my actions . . . there's just too many possibilities to be imperfect ! I do have a free will . In this life . . I am learning . . . ever so gradually .

Beth , sometimes here in this forum I wonder what on earth am I doing here . . . hmmm . . . wow . . for being Garth . I AM different , isn't that funny . . . and we are ALL different!
There is room for all . All of us here have a desire to heal . . . whatever needs to heal . How to go about that . . . that is where we are all unique . . . while there is no magical formula , LOVE is foundation of all . . . . lest we forget that !
How long it all takes . . . well . . . when I remember life as eternal . . time is but another of our illusions of mind . When did we start counting anyway ? :cute

This is one of those walking thru your fear moments Beth .

Much :love for you this day

:love Garth:sun

[fefa]

Beth,

I guess now it is a time to Build our self esteam. I mean, I lived my whole life with low self esteam, I didn't trust myself at all, or my body or mind. Now I am learning to TRUST me and ACCEPt me. I guess when we do that we start to build our self esteam. WHen everything is going great in life, I guess we are more optimistic, and believe in our selves and then we can face things in life. When we are in a bad day, we don't trust ourselves because we think for some reason we are failing, which WE ARE NOT!!! and let the self esteam low!! Like you said what can you do? IS FACE the fear not, run from it. FAce what we are living and still trusting ourselves!!!

As for the :love, yes we need to let other love us no matter what and also we need to learn to :love ourselves!!!
When we are loving us, you can see that people around us are more :happy!!!!

Keep going on this journey ! i see how much you changed!!

[Pella]

Yes...I agree :hugonFefa:hugoff NOW IS THE TIME!
Do you think you are starting to trust yourself more because of your recoverING from the ed? I really feel this way for myself. We know we can choose the way we want to FEEL about ourselves right? And then we can choose the behaviors based on those feelings. Simple as one, two three!
Ha! I think the true test of self-esteem is to have everything go wrong for us, and still love ourselves like you said even on our bad days. Just like you would treat someone else who is hurting-------we have to treat ourselves that way. It's hard cause I think when we're young, we're taught that loving ourselves is selfish and narcissistic. But, if we cannot choose to love ourselves, how can we believe we are capable of being loved? If we feel bad about ourselves, how can we be the best we can be? No one else is going to do for us what we can, and need to do for ourselves! Now, Fefa...it's just putting all this into practice....and sounds like YOU really are! Love beth :sun

:hugonGarth:hugoff
Something in your last reply....brought to my mind.....a suffering spirit. On one hand you have come to experience the dis-ease and with the help of your therapist "understand" and even ACCEPT[i] where you are and who you are. That is profound.:happy We can bow down and bear the suffering of life, not opposing it, but absorbing it and BEING it. [i] Then we can see what our life is? I'm not implying that you are passive, but that you sound like you've come to a place of acceptance and that is a good thing. Simply in the moment. Simply being the suffering. It's hard to understand suffering. I struggle with it constantly. And like most people I've tried to avoid it, but IT CAN be SO useful! Sort of enlightening. Cause with each struggle/awareness our vision of life enlarges. The years I've struggled/suffered with bulimia and now recovery.....have really been some of the best mind-opening experiences ever. I've also discovered my mind can create a lot of false suffering when it's constantly operating on a level of fear/panic/anxiety. The practice that has helped me immensly is to turn back and focus on the certain reality of this present moment. I can tell you have a grasp of this concept and you live it with love.
Love beth :sun

[Eilis]

((((((((((((Pella)))))))))

Ahhhhh the quest for self esteem. Well we can get figurative or literal :sarcasm

"esteem" is basically high regard. To have self esteem one holds oneself in high regard. Can get sketchy I suppose when you view the concept versus the action. But, I think the key really is reality.

In my opinion self esteem is something exercised, or built as others have said, and in its current state its a constant. But our regard doesnt necessarily HAVE to change with our feelings. Because its OK to have a bad day, and just recognizing that and knowing the feelings r ok - even sadness, frustration what have you - is really keeping our self esteem up when we say Yes its ok! because we r cutting ourselves a break.

Self destructiveness is different. When we engage in self destructive behavior, we r not holding ourselves in high regard. So say you make a mistake ( man i am mixing up the narrative arent I? one, we, you :sarcasm ) OK so mistake. I hurt someones feelings unjustly, and I feel "bad" about it. Whether I have self esteem or not, I still feel bad about it - but what action do I take to stay in tune with self esteem or self destructiveness?

I can A. hurt myself and tell myself what a loser I am

or B. make ammends the best I can, forgive myself and move on.

So either way, there is a fluctuation of feeling, yet I have kept self esteem in tact or not. Am I making sense?

I think its how you treat yourself given any circumstance that keps self esteem a constant - even when feelings r up and down, positive or negative. Believing you r worth it, despite what life brings that day, and treating yourself like u r worth it no matter what keeps the self esteem in tact. And if u externalize it think of this. Say there is someone u hold in high regard - u have esteem for her or him. They make a mistake that affects you and u r not all too happy about it. But they apologize. Have you lost esteem for that person? perhaps you get even more because of the courage and strength that person showed in seeing the mistake and ammending it out of sincerety. So your feelings toward them fluctuated some, but you still had esteem for them.

I sincerely hope this made sense LOL Sometimes when I am thinking too hard, I just blurt it out without thought to format. But thats me :winky

:love
Dory

[Pella]

:hugonDory:hugoff
Yes..Yes...I do think you can exercise and build self-esteem. It is a skill, and you can work on it. That's what I love about this board and the thought provoking posts and replies about the subject. Cause I have SO much to learn and apply! :happy

After reading everyone's replies, I'm going to have to agree that your core basic esteem is always going to be there, regardless of the up and down feelings of life. I kind of felt this way, but wanted to see what others said? When I was much younger, I often found myself falling into the comparison trap with others. Focusing on how I failed to measure up and feeling generally inadequate. But with increasing YEARS:scared and experience I can now rejoice with someone over their accomplishments, I can honestly compliment another's beauty, and I just love to be an encourager. This has helped my OWN self-esteem a lot.

And as you said, as far as someone else I hold in high regard who happens to make a mistake or offend, I can find myself being so forgiving if that person is truly sorry and repentent and asks forgiveness for what they've done. Acknowledgement and saying "I'm sorry" goes a long way!:happy

It's healthier to see the good points of others than to analyze our own bad ones or mistakes. Self-respect, self-love and our self-esteem grows each time we openly acknowledge another's admirable qualities. And that's why I hold you in high regard :hugonDory:hugoff for how you SELFlessly helped Kiss. Hope your foot/leg is coming back to life? Love beth :sun

[fefa]

Beth,

I agree with you!! I guess I am learning to TRUST myself again, to see my faults and try to accept it, I can't change some things about me! I need to trust MYSELF so I can trust others! This feeling is so good!!! I guess like I alredy said it is good to feel that. Of course we will have hard days, or bad days, but when this is built nothing will break it again!!! You are right, we are not narcisistic, we need to LOVE us no matter what! And set our boundaries no matter what, we need to learn to say no and to be ourselves and this is not being selfish, it just being human being, it is like treating ourselves well.
You are doing a great job too. I remenber seeing you when you first were here and you Changed a lot!!
Take care of yourself, and nurture your body and soul
:love