Who In The He** Am I??????????

[Teia]

ok I am sitting here tonight and was journaling and I saw my T today and now I am even more confused than ever.

I am not sure of who I am. If this is who I am I hate me. I hate the way I am. I hate the way I feel :ugh :ugh :reallymad :reallymad

I wish I could just get it right and be ok. I hate planning my meals. I hate shopping. It seems like the harder I try the worse I feel. :cry :cry :confused :confused

I really want recovery and am trying hard but sometimes I feel like I just don't want to try anymore. I guess I just needed to vent and maybe get some advice. I don't know what I need.

I talked about this stuff today with my T and she was helpful but sometimes I can't hear her because all I hear is ED :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad

I mean really Who am I???? If I am not anorexic or suicidal then who am I? I am not sure anymore. sorry I am just going on and on and I don't mean to ramble.

Thanks for letting me vent. :rainbow

[Kaell]

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

I was thinking about something very similar tonight myself. I was thinking about the fact that I have spent so long living with my ED that it's like a comfy old sweater. I feel safe and secure with my ED and I wondered tonight what I would do with my life if I didn't have the ED to fill up all the empty time and space. And I just have no idea, and it's a bit frightening and frustrating at the same time.

We are NOT our EDs, there's more to us than that. But the ED has been the focal point of our lives so long that it feels like that's all we are. I guess part of recovery is finding out who we really are when the ED isn't there to cover everything up.

So...I don't know if I said anything useful exactly, but you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. :happy

[RockChic]

:challenge :challenge
think of it this way instead...
while you are in recovery, and beating the ED, you are going to figure out who you are... and think of how amazing that is! It's like making a new best friend! :yay
I bet there are so many awesome things that you can't see because the ED blinds you.
But when you overcome it, you'll be able to see everything awesome about you.
You are not your disorder. I know it feels comfy and its hard to let go of because for so long we define ourselves by our disorder. But step back and think of how awful that is... to be defined by a disorder.
Doesn't it sound so much better to learn who you are and be defined by that?
Think of it this way... on this awful ED roller coaster everything is dark and grey and cold... then when you finally figure out how to get off the roller coaster, the sky is blue and the sun is shining and everything is bold colored and you feel free.
And you will know who you are. Because right now who you are is covered by this dark greyness.
Think of it as an exciting adventure.
I know it's hard, and it's scarey too.
But if you maybe approach it from another angle, it might help.
:gimmehug :gimmehug

[Lavender Queen]

boy howdy...I :ear you hun!!!

I had the same discussion with my T yesterday. I have been trying to figure that out for WAY too long. I guess I never knew who I was which is why it's so hard to break away from this.

And my T tries to talk to me too...but that teflon shield as I call it, goes up so fast...I can't hear or feel it.

I don't know the answer. Except that we keep going back and keep trying. You're talking about it and journaling about it. Those are great positives. If we could just find a way to at least accept the journey and not concentrate so hard on the end result...

Just a thought. Sending you :peace and :love.

[Teia]

Thanks everyone. I know I am not my disorder but sometimes its hard to figure out what and who I am. I do feel better sharing with all the :bowl at least I know I am not alone.

thanks to all of you why is this so hard?

:lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub :lubdub