feeling hopeless and confused

[tobefree]

I don't even really know what to say.....if I really want to recover from my ed, shouldn't I just do what I need to do? I feel like I have just gone full circle, crisis, treatment, back to the real world, now relapse. What is the point, really? I met with my N the other day and she is trying to make it so that I will choose (yes, choose because clearly it is my choice)to at least eat the minimum meal plan that I have done in the past. I'm lost....I don't do it and I don't know why. Hours and hours of therapy, hours and hours of insight and still I find myself staring down the plate, crying because I eat. I hate this and I hate myself. I don't know where to go because it seems so hopeless. Sorry so negative but I'm on the bottom....what a surprise :sad Guess I just needed to vent as there are no real answers are there?

[BethM]

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
I :ear you. I often find myself asking "what's the point?" I'm sorry I don't have the answers or I'd be completely healed, but I have a feeling the answers are in each one of us.

[mrsbird]

Tobefree,
I understnd what you are saying. I try everyday to eat what I am suppose then I get home at night feel so guilty so I have an evening of binging and purging. Its such a wonderful life. I myself have just started with a "T" and so far I don't feel any different. But I have to keep telling myself its not a easy fix. I have been this way for as long as I can remeber. I don't remember me with out it. So if I have spent years like this I can't expect to feel better in a matter of days, right? I guess thats the little advice I can give you. We have good days and bad and eventually the good have to out weigh the bad. I really, really want to believe that. :gimmehug
Best of luck,

[mothtoaflame]

I often ask myself what the point is too. I have been going around in cycles since I was fourteen (I am twenty-three now) .... this last "bout" has been my worst, and has lasted the longest, and I often find myself wondering "Why should I bother?! It's only going to happen again" ........... I guess we will find "the point" on our way up? the more we recover, the more "point" to it we will find?

[tobefree]

Thanks so much for your replies....It makes me feel at least heard and validated. I had T this morning and it was hard, really hard. I am so scared right now about how I feel and the intensity of my behaviors. I am going to try to ride the wave because that's all I feel I can do right in this moment. I wish the pain would go away and I wish I could just stop punishing myself for things that are not my fault...sigh.....I am :ear to my T, the most amazing person I know and trusting with blind faith that this will get better and I will feel better someday. I need hope.......