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Jess B
10-02-2001, 02:11 PM
Hi guys,

Has anybody out there started in a new relationship after their ed was present, and how did you mention it to your new partner?

I've started dating a really cool guy. I've found learned from a past relationship that keeping my feelings and things about me a secret are only going to ruin things, so I want to be totally honest with him. I'm just really unsure of how he will react.

Any stories or advice for me?

Jess

E
10-03-2001, 09:50 AM
:hugon jess :hugoff

Yes, I've had to tell boyfriends about the ED... I usually waited a couple months to see if it was going anywhere first though, since it is a hard thing to share... but I have never had anyone react badly. Sometimes there was some awkwardness, but if he's a good guy I'm sure he will be supportive.

:love
e

SuperFurryAnimal
10-03-2001, 05:05 PM
Well, my first girlfriend.. I told her about my anorexia on our first date. I met her in town after she had been at a hockey tournament all day, she was hungry, we had some food, I picked at mine like a vulture with dysentry...

I was thin as anything, I didn't eat much, it wasn't difficult to put two and two togetehr so I just told her in the pub in Oxford near the river.. forgotten the name of it totally. She was really good about it as all people have been that I have told about my illness (now an ex-illness). I can honestly say that nobody I have told about my anorexia has looked at me and called me a freak. Instead they have been kind and understanding and simply fantastic. And I genuinely believe most people are about these kinds of things.

As the lady says, if the guy is good then be honest with him. Because honesty is the key to a decent relationship.

:love

Andy.x

Jess B
10-03-2001, 07:47 PM
:hugon E :hugoff :hugon Andy :hugoff

Thanks guys. It's not so much that I'm worried about him thinking I'm weird or him not wanting to see me anymore. Our relationship is pretty new, so I'm not that attached.

What I am worried about is being treated differently or things being awkward. We go out to eat a lot which I truly enjoy & feel is really helping me get over a lot of food fears. I just don't see how we can still go out to eat and either one of us be comfortable about it. Or every time I go to the bathroom he'll think I'm going to throw up, etc., etc.

He does suspect something is wrong with me as I've been pretty moody and tired since starting on antidepressants and coming to grips with the fact that I'll probably starting therapy soon. So I'm really lacking in enthusiasm. He emailed me today apologizing for 'pawing at me all the time' but says he only does it because he really likes being with me :touched I wrote him back saying that I've had a hard time the last couple of weeks and didn't really want to get in to the details yet. So I guess I kinda broke the ice for the discussion.

This is really going to suck!!

Thanks again :love Jess

dramadiva
10-03-2001, 08:13 PM
:hugonJess:hugoff

Awe, sweetie. I know what you mean. I am now starting to date a guy, and I have already told him about me. It was so great. b/c I found out he also battles with bullimia. We really understand eachother on things like that. Some guys are not as understanding. I agree with E, wait a while and see where it's going, and see what type of a person he is. I wouldn't jump in and reveal too much about myself at first. That way you don't feel so hurt or embarrassed if things don't go the way you want them too. I hope everything goes ok for you. I'll keep checking to see how you're doing!

E
10-04-2001, 10:23 AM
:hugon jess :hugoff

Just wanted to say, about the going out to eat and stuff... I would just tell him what you said here, that you do enjoy going out to eat and you think that it's helping you.

good luck sweetie.

:love
e

webmail
10-04-2001, 01:15 PM
Yeah I told my boyfriend after we had been togetther about three months.In the end I felt I had too,cause I wanted to excuse my behaviour ,my moodiness.Also because at the time I completely hated myself so much.I thought I was so ugly and stupid and all the other ed induced esteem issues.And this really great guyhought I was the most wonderful person he had ever met.I felt so ashamed of my ed.I felt I was carrying around this guilty secret with me,and if he knew the truth he'd run a mile.

So I wrote him a letter about the ed,maybe it was to 'test' his love.And it was the best thing I had ever done.He didn't really get it at first,but he did make me realise I wasn't a bad person,I was suffering from an illness.

I too hate the feeling I am being 'watched'.And it is an inevitable part of people knowing. but the I love the support I can get.Like if we are in a restaurant and I am panicking about what to order,he tells me to relax,take my time.

Hes really my guardian angel.We are still together and hes stood by me through so much.

I do believe honesty is an intergral part of a true relationship.I wish you all the luck in the world.#

:love
ellen

Jess B
10-04-2001, 04:46 PM
:hugon E :hugoff

Thanks for the good advice, again. I think that telling him that he's helping would take the awkwardness out of eating together.

:hugon Dramadiva :hugoff
It's good to hear that it can work out. I'm not afraid of this guy hurting me at all. I dated him for a while a year ago, and although it's only been a little over a month now, I know he truly cares for me. I just am really not looking forward to the awkwardness of it all. I avoid uncomfortable situations at all costs - a personality flaw :sarcasm

:hugon ellen :hugoff
You took the thoughts right out of my head. A big reason I would like him to know is to explain my moodiness :ugh I feel bad for the way I am around him sometimes, but honestly he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. He's extremely patient with me :touched

I think the letter is a good idea. That's exactly the method I used with I was seventeen years old and had to tell my mom I was pregnant :surprise I was so damn scared it took six months to tell (or write) her. But, I'm sick of being so nonconfrontational about things. I want to talk to him face to face and get over my fear of serious conversations :grin

Take care guys
:love Jess

dontknownuffink
10-05-2001, 03:18 AM
:hugon Jess :hugoff

I have known my b/f for ten years but he's only been my b/f for a few months. I told Mark in an email as we had just had a discussion about if our friendship was going to develop into something deeper or not and I know I was holding back on the conversation as I was scared stiff. Scared that he would run a mile when he found out bout the ed but even though I knew him well it still pertrified me. He was very good about it and basically said that I sould be able to tell him stuff that matters cause if not what sort of relationship were we going to have and in any case he cares enough not to walk and that I was more than my ed and he cared no matter what. I will never forget that and it keeps me going when things are tough. I just felt it was only fair he knew from the start cause that way he could walk away and neither of us would get hurt as much and he would relalise bout the mood swings and why I was uncomfortable around food. He doesnt understand about the bulimia but he tries and it does help to have someone who knows who can support you in times and situations when food is a problem.
All the best in what ever you decide Jess, all I can say is that I was very pleased I told him even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
hugs
Jo :penguin