K.... Now what?

[chicagofishy]

So here I am. Posting for the first time here...and the first time anywhere in years. But I feel something changing in me and it's time to reach out.

When I first started therapy, over two years ago, I can hardly recognize who I was compared to who I am today. I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn't think straight. I was bulimic (which later morphed into BED) without a reliable gag reflex, so I starved and exercized way too much to compensate for binges. I didn't know what I felt or what I needed. I lived in terror of my family, my friends, my boyfriends.

I remember the moment I first started noticing colors again...and laughing spontaneously...and smiling without someone asking me to. I've come so far...but I feel so lost. I'm so proud of myself, but feeling so alone today.

It's funny how things work sometimes...

Ironically, my feelings seem to have been inspired by emotional growth. I learned that if I embrace my demons...my fear of hunger....my anger...my panic...my loneliness...that they file themselves away inside me and make me feel whole and strong. And, if I try to control them or ignore them, they become so big and loud that they overwhelm my mind. I've finally learned, with decent effectiveness, to turn off the screaming in my brain, leaving it free.... for what?

Through recovery I've learned some of my needs, wants and how to listen to the voices within, but until recently I could not often even focus on them for long due to the loud clanging of fear, guilt and panic in my brain. Now that I have made peace with those...most of the time anyway...my hands are untied. And I feel as if I've been cast adrift. What do I hold onto now?

The wise voice inside says: hold onto yourself.

I know it's right. But how? Even knowing myself as well as I do now (which relatively may be little...I cannot say, since I don't know too many people in recovery...but it feels like a lot compared to what I used to know!), I feel like I'm grasping onto clouds and can get a hold on nothing.

So....

I'm trying to listen to myself. My body likes the gym. My child's heart likes books. The dork in me loves to learn. So...I indulge them. I am calm enough to let myself rest when I need to...and most of the time I remember to reachout when I'm in trouble.

All that said...having the calmness and presence to do these things is so very new to me that I feel like I'm walking in a strange, foreign world. Things just don't feel right and my heart feels like its breaking. At the same time, I embrace that scared part of me and give my aching heart a hug and that feels better....but all the same, we're not in Kansas anymore.

I feel like I've jumped from side of the Grand Canyon to the other, but now I'm stuck in the air with nothing to hold onto. Does anyone else out there know what I mean? Or, have any words of wisdom to share?

Thanks in advance :)
ChicagoFishy

[SomedaySammy]

Hi chicagofishy. I love your beautiful words. They echo my thoughts and fears. They remind me that I'm not alone. You've made miles and miles of progress. Good job. Me too. Sometimes I don't feel I've gone anywhere because there is still so far to go. But then I look behind me and realize that I'm not where I was back then, and that's good. But what now? Will we ever get there? Will we know it when we're there? Dunno, just keep walking I guess...arm in arm, a whole army of fishies with feet walking and walking. Maybe one little tiny step at a time is all we can ask for. One more smile each day, one more friend, one more laugh... Wadya say fishies?

Shall we keep walking?

[Old Geezer]

I just wanted to tell you that you express yourself quite well. I don't have any answers for you. Maybe you need to reach out and find someone to share your interests with. And maybe what you are experiencing is just an adjustment period - new things often feel insecure until they become a part of you.

I'm not as healthy as you so I cannot comment on what recovery will be like. I did want you to know that you have been heard. :gimmehug

Geezer

[AmarieR]

Maybe you need some spiritual enrichment to help fill that void that you have described. I can relate entirely!! I angrily and sadly left my religious upbringing roughly a decade ago and, except for a stint in a progressive congregation a couple of years ago, feel that there is a gap in my life. Like you, I have come a long way in recovery (mine was from COE). I am now trying to learn to love myself (the self-hate that drove the ED is still strong) so I am not sure that what is helping me will help you, but I thought I would suggest it anyway.

It is really hard to find meaning when your life has changed so much. Jennifer (one of the fishys) recommended some books to me that I believe will help. I started reading "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, which talks about just learning to be and to derive fulfillment from it. It is going to take me a looong time to be able to do this but I have noticed that I am already starting to use her tips and it is helping. I also bought "The Places That Scare You" by the same author, which I also believe will help me. Her approach helps to fill the gaps that used to be repressed/"filled" by ED behavior and thoughts. It also helps if you are a perfectionist and are trying to learn how to live without keeping yourself on a rollercoaster ride of exhausting goals.

Hope this helps!

:lubdub

[chicagofishy]

Sammy - Thank you so much. You're right. Sometimes, especially in times of fear and doubt, it is hard to remember the truth - We have come a long way and have accomplished miracles on the way to where we are. It's easy to get caught up looking only at one side of the coin - that there is a long way yet to go and forget to take strength and hope from how far we have come. But, perhaps most importantly, it's time to remember that I'm not alone. None of us are. :)

Geezer - Thank you and hugs back! It feels so nice to get a reply and a bit reconnected and that I have been heard. I think you're right...I just needed to reach out and get some of that back. I appreciate your reaching out to me so much!

All - I'm smiling again today and relieved to feel a nugget of hope shining in me. I'll be holding on to it and holding on tight! Wish me luck!....and Thanks...for just being here.

[Lily Blue]

:hugon chicagofishy :hugoff
Welcome to the :bowl!!!
Unfortunately I'm not as far along in my recovery as you are, you've come a hell of a long way in your recovery :yay and you deserve to be happy :happy!!!
Maybe AmarieR is right, maybe you would find some peace if you embrace some sort of spirituality. I've actually been thinking about this myself, there is a Unitarian Church that I know of that I'd be willing to try (I was raised strict catholic :ugh).
Anyway, I hope you find all the support and encouragement that I have here at Something Fishy, there are a lot of great :bluefishy's in the bowl that are willing to listen, challenge, and advise :cheesy.

:love Lily
P.S. I'm also in Chicago :zoinks

AIM: LaughingDymphna
email: laughing_dymphna@hotmail.com

[AmarieR]

:hugon Lily :hugoff

The progressive congregation to which I referred below was a Unitarian Universalist church. I have learned since that it was progressive even for UU churches - it was in Salem, MA and had a pagan group. It functioned from a transcendentalist position (do you remember Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thoreau, etc.?) and was SOO different from my catholic upbringing. It emphasized thinking for oneself, thinking critically of world events, didn't contend that people are "sinners." It was fabulous. Unfortunately, I moved away after a year or so. My plans are to look for a similar UU church where I live now, but the couple I tried were very Christian (which I am not.) Just know that UUs vary in approach b/c it is based on the democratic decisions reached by their members. So, if you don't like one, keep trying.....

Sounds like we may have alot in common! :cute

[Lily Blue]

:hugon AmarieR :hugoff
Thanks for the advice! I'll let you know how it goes when I check it out. Also, when I first read this thread I wrote down the books you suggested by Pema Chodron and I'm going to Borders today to check them out. I think we may indeed have a lot in common :zoinks :cute!!!
Also, I used to live near Boston in Harvard Square, I attended B.U. for a while, of course this was a while ago :cheesy. I loved living Massachusetts...
Anyway, thanks again!

:love Lily
AIM: LaughingDymphna
email: laughing_dymphna@hotmail.com

[AmarieR]

:hugon Lily :hugoff

GREAT! I hope that those books help you. I think that you will find that the approach to life - and thinking about life - described in those books is very different from your catholic upbringing. Let me know what you think. I would be curious to know how someone with a similar religious tradition thinks about that approach. Also let me know if you find a good UU. I would be curious to hear of your reactions to that as well. I found it all to be so mind-blowing but in a good way. You are welcome to email me directly if you like.....let's see if I can spell out my email so you catch it (the twothousand is in numbers):

arampullatwothousand@yahoo.com.

How great that you liked living in Boston. I visited Chicago for a conference more than a few years back and I loved it! I think that it is a cool city and one I would definitely consider living in. :hairy

Much :lubdub

[daydream]

Chicagofishy ~

I can relate, although I haven't been in recovery - or headed that way - nearly as long. It's only been the last few months, but I have come a long, hard way. For me, I feel like I'm more pushing for that seperation you described so eloquently. Oh, I definitely feel it. But I also feel desperate to keep pushing at it to keep the seperation, perhaps because I haven't had it as long... anyway. I found the best thing for me is to do new things. Big things, small things, it doesn't matter. When I was in residential treatment, we were encouraged to rearrange our rooms when we got home - something as simple as that both to symbolize the change, and for a change of energy and to get you out of the rut and mindset that just being in a place can put you in. Try new things, start new traditions, change the way you do things...dance while you brush your teeth. I started playing guitar and got a stability ball. With all the stuff you've worked through, relying on the same things that you used to to comfort or entertain yourself won't cut it. In my world, they sometimes lead to flashbacks of old behaviors. My fiance always encourages me to just keep DOing. But all that is besides the point...

Really take the time to get to know yourself. journaling is great, even if you just draw pictures! figure out what things make you comfortable, what matters to you, what makes you laugh; write it down, and then remember it's those things - the good things - that make you YOU, so that's what you hold on to. pick something positive - a dream, a quality, an accomplishment - and make something solid out of it - a painting, a poem, a wind chime, a statue - to remind you you have something to hold on to when it feels like it's all just air and clouds.

ok. I am going to stop now, i sound like an idiot. but, i wish you the best :gimmehug .

:stars rach

[SomedaySammy]

:hugon chicagofishy :hugoff Something you said yesterday hit me really hard later on...


I remember the moment I first started noticing colors again...and laughing spontaneously...and smiling without someone asking me to.

I was at the gym and I grabbed a magazine from the meager selection. It happened to be an art and design rag. I was looking at all those photos of paintings and sculptures. They were so many of these shiny little ideas in color and light. Each one was someone's heart and soul. There were abstract sculptures and realistic paintings. Some were emotional and evokative, others were simply eye candy. They called on feelings and stirred me. i coulnd't take my eyes off of them. I actually had to catch my breath and remind myself that I was on a stairclimber (don't fall off). It was the first time in a really long time that I found myself spontaneously inspired. Its like this little tiny part of me woke up (groggy and confused, but there nonetheless). Sure, i've poked at my creative skills now and again, and they've been useful tools in helping me through some pretty dark times, but I haven't felt it. This time, this creative energy and inspiration came all on its own.

Thank you so much for helping me see that these little moments are landmarks. They can't be counted or measured, but they need to be celebrated. Maybe there are little landmarks all around us to let us know we're on the right track and that it is all worth it.
What do you think?

:lubdub Sammy

[chicagofishy]

Wow! I'm loving all the ideas, thoughts and discussions. :-D

Amerie and Lily - You guys hit the nail on the head. Only recently did I realize that I need a lil spirituality in my life and I've been starting to find things that work for me. I was raised in a strict Christian home (both Methodist and Catholic) and as an adult I'm leaning more towards the idea that religion should be less about judging and more about loving and accepting. Through the years I've learned a lot about so many different kinds of religion and I've found them all so wise and also all a bit lacking, but it was a helpful journey. I think I'm ready to start incorporating some of the things I liked into my life...well, actually I already started this and IT REALLY REALLY REALLY HELPS. I like the way you guys think!

Rach - This is something I haven't thought of before and I think you have a point. This transition might not be so bad if I wasn't surrounded by the vestiges of my old life. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think it's time I move some things around in my apartment and switch up my routine. I'm feeling fresher already. Yay!

As for pushing for separation with your disease, oh girl, I so understand. I've found, though I'm not always able to apply this, that the less I try to control my emotions the easier my life is. We have no control over our fear or our anger or our insecurities...and I've noticed that if I try to ignore or repress them that they end up just getting bigger and bigger and bigger until I end up eating every protein bar in the house (since they're the only things even close to sweets that I can kind of control myself around when I'm in a funk...). I'm not sure if this will work for you, but I'll tell you what works for me - I try to focus on the feeling and remind myself that it's just a feeling and that I don't have to be afraid of it. And then I see it as a child throwing a tantrum and screaming at me and refusing to get out of my face....and then I tell it that it's ok that it's angry, sad, scared, guilty....that I understand how it could feel that way...and then I give it a big tight mental hug....and then I feel it let go of me. The result of all this (for me anyway) is such a feeling of peace and connection with myself.

Sammy - Yes! You're so right! I think it's so important to recognize every teeny step. I think they're all miracles, even just noticing beauty in a magazine at the gym. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, remembering all those little magic moments can help me remember what feeling good was like and snap me out of it. Those really are the best moments!

For me though, when I'm celebrating my big steps, I have a tendency to think everythings going to be just peachy for ever and ever... and then when I have a set-back I'm so down and think that now everything's going to be awful FOREVER. LOL So, now when I have a miracle moment, I remind myself that it's even okay to take a step backwards sometimes....it's part of the learning process and it's a part of growth. I see growth as if I'm walking down a new road I've never seen before and sometimes as I'm exploring I get scared and need to run back to what I'm familiar with before I'm ready to go down that new road for good. This is my way of accepting the good as well as the bad as a part of life. LOL...and though you may not need to be reminded of this, I do (it's so hard to remember things in a panic!), so I'm taking this opportunity to say it out loud! :-D


-----

Oh yes...and before I forget...thank you to whoever gave the book recommendation...sorry...i'm in a screen where I can't see it right now. I love reading those kinds of things and it sounds like exactly what I need.

:)

[AmarieR]

I just want to say that you :pinkfishy rock!! I have been so touched and educated by this thread that I am a little teary. Everyone has offered such great ideas and suggestions that I hope to incorporate into my life. It really amazes me how smart the people in this fishbowl are. I sometimes wonder what I could accomplish if I used the energy that I exert everyday on my ED thoughts and self-hatred (trying to convince myself that I am not "fat", a failure, etc.) But what struck me from this thread is how much all of us, working together, could accomplish b/c there are so many smart and determined people in here, people I feel lucky to have gotten to interact with.

THANK YOU for all that you do here!!

:bounce :bounce :bounce :bounce :bounce

:lubdub :lubdub :lubdub

[chicagofishy]

Amerie...

Yes! Exactly! :)

It's amazing what people can accomplish together if they're just open and share what they feel. So many wonderful things grow from that! *Sigh*

And, thank you for mentioning this, because remembering this feels SO GOOD.... And, I like to remember this as often as possible, so that when the ED voices start getting to loud in my head the truth is better established in my mind for me to cling to. Sometimes isolation feels like such a safe place, when really it's just breaking us down and making us lose touch with ourselves and truth and life!

:-D :-D I'm so happy to have joined the fishbowl...

**Jackie

[chi_town_sparkle]

:hugonchicagofishy:hugoff -

Can I just say that you are most fluent when it comes to expressing your feelings, and speaking what you feel from your soul? In fact, I think that this entire thread is very heart felt and full of emotion. Thank you for starting it! And thanks to all of the other :fishys who posted in this thread as well. I know that I joined this post really late, but
I try to focus on the feeling and remind myself that it's just a feeling and that I don't have to be afraid of it. And then I see it as a child throwing a tantrum and screaming at me and refusing to get out of my face....and then I tell it that it's ok that it's angry, sad, scared, guilty....that I understand how it could feel that way...and then I give it a big tight mental hug....and then I feel it let go of me.
I am totally going to try this!!!! Thank you so much for that!!

Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but...(just by the way you express yourself)
You know what? you remind me of this lady that I met in treatment at abbhh. She was so much fun, and so inspiring, and I just absolutely loved her. We laughed together, and we cried together. We shared a room, and everytime I think of her I have to smile! She was so awesome, and she really helped me get in touch with parts of my eating disorder that I was hiding from. But, anyway, that's that.

Oh, and welcome to the :bowl I really think you'll find some awesome support here. :gimmehug

take care!

chi town sparkle :cute

[chicagofishy]

Chi Town Sparkle...

:) Thanks! :) :)

I hope my lil method with dealing with emotions works for you. It works wonders for me anyway...

I've discovered so many new ways in the fishbowl too just over my first few days here....and so many things I'm sure I wouldn't have thought of on my own. LOVE IT.

You're right - there is awesome support here. I think I'm hooked. For too long I have been less than enthused about ED support groups, as my first experiences with them were dark. I was unlucky and the meetings I was referred to were so full of judgement and perfectionism. Yuck! I am so lucky that I have a wonderful T and I guess I've finally gotten to the point where I'm open to reaching out again. And what beautiful results. Yay!

So happy to be swimming with the fishies....
*Jackie

[chi_town_sparkle]

:hugonchicagofishy:hugoff

and so many things I'm sure I wouldn't have thought of on my own. LOVE IT.
I hear ya, sister!!

As for the ED groups thing...I know they can be judgemental and full of perfectionism, but....I don't know where you are in the chicago area, or if you would even be interested. And in fact, I can't even remember what days (I think maybe monday and thursday)- Alexian Brothers does ANAD in Hoffman Estates at the behavioral health hospital. I used to attend that group. There is a therapist from the ED program at the hospital who actually runs the groups - it's not just some random leader. She makes sure that EVERYONE who needs time to talk gets it. Even if the group has to run over a little. :lubdub She's really awesome. :bounce I actually found those groups to be very nonjudging and actually very empowering and helpful. :phil I, personally, always felt good going out of those groups; as opposed to other groups that I had attended previously (including other ANAD groups I had attended). You can find alexian brothers on the treatment finder on SF to get the number for info if you are interested.

I know that you didn't ask for this information, but I just personally feel like this is a REALLY AWESOME group, and I would recommend it to anyone. FYI, I haven't attended since last march of O five, so, maybe things have changed a little - I don't know. I wish I could attend every week though, and I would if I could, believe me.

One more thing...I apologize with everything in me if the group I'm discussing is the one that gave you grief... :scared :scared :scared I am a little worried about that.... :scared :scared :scared

I tried your method of dealing with the feelings thing this weekend. It actually made the feelings less intense for me - and separated me from them a little. Or maybe I just wasn't so overwhelmed by them. Anyway, I made it through a really really emotionally horrible day (one of the worst days that I have had with emotions in a long time) because I concentrated on using your method, and it worked!!
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug Thanks chicagofishy!!! :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

Take care,

chi town sparkle :cute

[chicagofishy]

Chi Town Sparkle,

Thank you so much for the recomendation! I have never been to that group of meetings before, so it's worth a shot. :cheesy Hoffman Estates is a jog for me. I'm in the city's north...but I have heard of that program before, so I wonder if they have meetings closer to me? I'm going to have to look into this! Again - Thanks for the recommendation. I really appreciate it.

And...

I'm so glad my lil method worked for you! And thanks for telling me about it and giving me a huge smile!

What a nice way to end the day....
*Jackie

[skyfishy]

Hi Jackie and everyone,

I've been reading your posts and feeling so much more friendly toward myself! I love the idea of giving those troubling feelings a "big tight mental hug" instead just attempting to banish them... My T and I have been working on observing thoughts instead of judging them; just kind of watching them go by, seeing what comes up. You can only fully let go of a painful or destructive thought if you let yourself see it and acknowledge it, I guess.

I just became a fishy, though I've been reading the forums for years. I've been consecutively bulimic, BED, anorexic... Now I'm pretty far along in recovery; I'm a "normal" weight--I think--whatever that means.

I've been feeling kind of depressed lately about the weight I've gained. I'm always looking in the mirror and lamenting that I'm not a "skinny" person anymore... Then I get mad at myself for doing that, because I'm a feminist, I know that I should love my body no matter what, etc. But for some reason, I don't. I feel like--yeah--I'm grasping for clouds--my self-love is not yet firm enough to be an anchor. Food used to be my anchor. What to do?

I live in Chicago too (north side) and have been looking for support groups. There's one on Lincoln, on the north side, called the Awakening Center. Has anyone heard anything about this one?

Thanks,
Lots of love,
Skyfishy

[chicagofishy]

Hi Skyfishy,

Yep...grasping for clouds sounds about right, but in time it does get better. Since I originally posted this, I am already feeling more solid.

What helped me was just sticking to the non-destructive things I love most: workouts, books, positive friends, writing, etc.... At first the inertia of feeling like I was grasping clouds made it difficult to do anything, but with the tiniest action that inertia recedes. I'm wishing you all the best with this.... You're not alone with this feeling. I still struggle with it too at times.

As for groups, I'm also a northsider. I've not heard of the Awakening Center, but I do drop in on OA (overeater's anonymous is the name, but just as applicable to anorexics and bulimics as "overeaters") meetings now and then. They're free (you can donate what you can, if you like) and scattered across the city, including the northside. I can point you to some good ones if you are interested.

My T and I have also worked on the same technique you mentioned...just watching emotions go by without judging... What a freeing thing to learn! Now, if only I could remember to do it all the time... LOL Ah well, with practice these things get easier.

*Jackie

[skyfishy]

Hi Jackie,

Glad you're feeling better! Totally--I find that doing the things I love more helps me obsess about food less.

I've thought of going to OA--my T actually recommended it--but it worries me because in addition to BED and bulimia, I've also been severely anorexic. I'm not now, but I worry that talk about weight loss might be triggering. Is there a lot of that going on at OA? Do they emphasize mindful eating, learning when you're hungry and full, etc? If so, I'd love to try it. If you could recommend a group on the north side, fill me in! (If it's close to home, I'll have less of an excuse not to go :shy.)

Thanks so much.

Love,
Maya

[chicagofishy]

No worries. OA has helped anorexics as well as bulimics and COEs. The focus is on recovery and acceptance, not numbers. It's nothing like a weight watchers or what-not. It's about emotional growth.

In most meetings I have attended I hear more speaking about feelings, learning new ways to cope and trying to get away from ED thinking.

OA has a website where you can find a meeting list (oa.org/all_about_meetings.htm). The ones that I personally found helpful are:
The Monday and Wednesday meetings at St. Paul's (five thirty pm)
Saturday at the New Town Alano Club (nine thirty am)
Wednesday at Queen of Angels (six fifteen pm)
Sundays at the Gil Park Field House (nine fifteen am)

I suggest talking to others whose comments you liked after the meeting and getting more recommendations from them.

Let me know how it goes!! :hairy
*Jackie

[aspengirl]

ChicagoFishy, you wrote so beautifully:



...The wise voice inside says: hold onto yourself.

I know it's right. But how? Even knowing myself as well as I do now (which relatively may be little...I cannot say, since I don't know too many people in recovery...but it feels like a lot compared to what I used to know!), I feel like I'm grasping onto clouds and can get a hold on nothing....

I feel like I've jumped from side of the Grand Canyon to the other, but now I'm stuck in the air with nothing to hold onto. Does anyone else out there know what I mean? Or, have any words of wisdom to share?

Thanks in advance :)
ChicagoFishy

Oh Yes!!!! I can completely relate to this. The other day, I was describing it as going through a big dark forest that is difficult but familiar, and then suddenly coming out into the bright open prairie and big sky, and feeling disoriented. I progressed very quickly in my recovery once I was ready, and now feel somewhat like I am adrift down river, certainly past the life and death rapids, just kindof flowing along. For so long I was in the rapids. Now what? Where is this river flowing? I think it must be how a big life transition feels.

In working with the sensations of "hungry" and "full" with my nutritionist, a lot has come up for me that I never expected. I realized I don't know these signals not only as they relate to food and eating, but as they relate to life--in otherwords, what am I hungry for in life? when am I full, or fulfilled? Who am I now? What do I yearn for? Will I believe in it enough to reach for it? Does this strike a chord with any of you?

I agree with the spirituality suggestion. I have been leaning on my faith pretty hard to answer some of these questions. I read the Bible, and it offers many beautiful descriptions of who I am in Christ, promises of what my future will be, and descriptions of what is valuable. To know that God created me in a certain fashion for a specific purpose that is unfolding and in His control calms me and anchors me. But some days, I forget even these beautiful things!

Life is not a black and white, point A to point B, numbers and labels and formulas kind of experience. But we as humans want it to be. We create theories, stereotypes, zodiacs, lotteries...who knows what in an effort to place some control over and structure on life. But the reality is it is murky, muddy, unclear, mysterious, beautiful, overwhelming, seemingly endless, yet sometimes racing along, etc. Something new and unfamiliar in every new day. I think, with my personality and tendency towards the old ED patterns of black and white thinking, perfectionism, numbers games, and rituals, I have a tendency to want to control life by stuffing it into a manageable framework, something I can deal with. But life is not like that. I think sometimes life truly is about grasping at clouds. The Bible says we are but vapors, or grass that withers and blows away in the wind. But there is something that endures--love and truth. Here again, my faith tells me that there is more to life than my life. "In Him we live and move and have our being." I hold on to Christ, He is love and truth, He is my strong tower, my refuge, my Rock, even when I am changing and life is unclear.

This has been a very good post for me. I was searching for something to read along the lines of "WHO AM I now?" I have been through a lot of changes and transitions, and think this question is something I will have to work on for a while. I also think that if hundreds of "non-ED" people were to read these posts, they would relate to a lot of the same feelings about life. We are not alone in this, I am sure.

So to myself and Chicagofishy and to you all, Welcome to life~! Let's embrace it! Even if it feels like all we are doing is grasping at clouds!

[chicagofishy]

In working with the sensations of "hungry" and "full" with my nutritionist, a lot has come up for me that I never expected. I realized I don't know these signals not only as they relate to food and eating, but as they relate to life--in otherwords, what am I hungry for in life? when am I full, or fulfilled? Who am I now? What do I yearn for? Will I believe in it enough to reach for it? Does this strike a chord with any of you?

Yep. I remember this very well. I was so afraid I would look inside me and find noting. No passion. No interests. No desires. Nothing. ED had buried me so deep that I had no idea who I was and felt empty almost always. But, slowly, me, the real me, started surfacing.


What I didn't realize at that time is that finding what I don't like as well as what I do like was just as important. There were so many things I did, because I felt I it was "right" or that I just had to. Things like overexercising, hanging around with negative people, never saying NO, consenting to go out with guys who I knew were complete jerks, etc, etc, etc. Often saying NO to something I didn't like would point me in the direction or at least leave my brain free of frustration enough for me to find out what I really did want. Make sense?

The other day, I was describing it as going through a big dark forest that is difficult but familiar, and then suddenly coming out into the bright open prairie and big sky, and feeling disoriented. I progressed very quickly in my recovery once I was ready, and now feel somewhat like I am adrift down river, certainly past the life and death rapids, just kindof flowing along. For so long I was in the rapids. Now what? Where is this river flowing? I think it must be how a big life transition feels.

Exactly. :winky

Over the years I have been working on ED and other problems I learned that everytime I learned something, even if it was a very good and exciting thing, inevitably I would end up feeling disoriented and scared. It's just part of the process. That said, larger changes are more scary than smaller ones. But, it's so nice in hindsite, after the feeling of being lost has faded, to look back and say "See.... I can get through this part. This will happen again and I will be okay when it does..."

I have a tendency to want to control life by stuffing it into a manageable framework, something I can deal with. But life is not like that.

Yep. Totally agree. I also tend to want to control life...to feel anxiety when it dares surprise me...but I'm starting to learn that whatever happens, it's okay. I'm not responsible for controlling my employer's mood, my boyfriend's way of doing things, the weather, the traffic, etc... I just have to deal with them the best I can and it doesn't have to workout perfectly. When I'm able to let go, accept what's happening around me and just do the best I can with that, life feels so much better!! In fact, when we fight reality and fight what is, we miss opportunities, lessons and a multitude of other things our lil brains could never have imagined coming from an unwelcome detour.

Great post Aspengirl! Thanks for getting my mind rolling!!

*Jackie

[aspengirl]

Yep. I remember this very well. I was so afraid I would look inside me and find noting. No passion. No interests. No desires. Nothing. ED had buried me so deep that I had no idea who I was and felt empty almost always. But, slowly, me, the real me, started surfacing.
What I didn't realize at that time is that finding what I don't like as well as what I do like was just as important.


Dear Jackie,

Thanks so much for your response. I wanted to ask you, is there anything you would recommend for ushering this process along, fostering it? As you look back, is there anything you wish someone had shared with you? I think this may be the core of my issues, the Who Am I piece.

A good friend of mine and I were talking, and she mentioned there was a point to where she thought I'd become so much more afraid of life than I had been before. I was wondering if taking some risks is one way to approach this question of identity. I'm not entirely sure. It seems like I've cloistered myself into a safe little cocoon and certainly that's served a purpose but -- I'd like to break out and FLY!!!!

Is it just a matter of time, or are there things one can do to enhance progress along the lines of WHO AM I? (can you detect my impatience and my discomfort?! I was trying to hide it but forget it! :cheesy )

Anyone with input, I'm all ears! or eyes!! :winky

Thanks again Chicagofishy for your posts, you've replied to me before. I appreciate it!

Robin

[chicagofishy]

Oh, I hear ya girl. I remember feeling impatience too and a desperation to just get on with it and get away from ED. No worries... in time this gets less and less. :gimmehug

Yes, there is advice I was given that was helpful. The irony is that at that stage I was simply not ready to understand it or use it, but it was helpful that the seeds were planted, so that they could bloom later and helped me so much further down the road...so I'll pass that bit along to you...

Recovery isn't a race. Trying to fit recovery into a time frame simply won't work. It takes time to internalize things and that's just the way it is. Just do your best, be honest with yourself and things will come in time. Accepting where we're at today, rather berating ourselves for not being where we wish we were goes a long way to helping us feel better. At the same time we also have to know where we want to go, so we can move in that direction. Learning to balance this takes time, trial and error.

I wish I had known or been able to understand that part of getting to know ourselves (wants and needs) is getting to know what pace works for us in life and in our recovery work. I suppose it's inevitable for many of us that we will push ourselves too far sometimes, scare ourselves silly with even good changes and have to give our brains, hearts and souls a rest from all the change for a bit.

My therapist had a lovely way of framing this for me though. She says road of recovery isn't always straight. Sometimes before we're ready to move forward we have to loop back around or just stay put for a while. That's alright...we're not going to be perfect...we just have to forgive ourselves for mistakes and imperfections, hold onto hope and keep trying.

So, I guess there's a balance that you have to find with yourself. On the one hand, we have to be aware of our limits and how much is too much for us. On the other hand, in order to recover we have to push ouselves beyond our comfort zones and embrace change. Some changes come easier than others...it's best to just take it one step at a time, keep your eyes open and do your best with whatever you're faced with.

And, also important, part of pacing for me is knowing when I need support. That could be just airing my thoughts, it could be going to someone for advice or guidance, or just asking for hugs. Getting support when I need it keeps me more resilient and less afraid of change.

Wow... I wrote you a novel. Hee hee hee! :whateva

I hope my ramblings make sense to you and can help you on your way!!

*Jackie

[islanddoc]

Hi Robin and Jackie and all other the other fishies! :fishy

I enjoyed reading this thread sooo much, thank you all for sharing in the :bowl


A good friend of mine and I were talking, and she mentioned there was a point to where she thought I'd become so much more afraid of life than I had been before. I was wondering if taking some risks is one way to approach this question of identity. I'm not entirely sure. It seems like I've cloistered myself into a safe little cocoon and certainly that's served a purpose but -- I'd like to break out and FLY!!!!


The one thing that I have prided myself in throughout my recovery is my ability to keep going and take risks no matter what...so YES I think that you should! I know what you mean about the world being a scary place. Somewhere along the road, we lose that innocence we had as a kid, and begin to find fear around every corner. We hide from everything that has the potential to hurt us or make us feel something, even if it is a good something. The problem with an ED or any addiction, is that it doesn’t actually help us avoid the bumps in life, it just allows us to push back the date and time that we will actually feel and experience the ups and downs. In my case, I wasn’t ready for a long time to feel those “bumps” again. Robin, I know that you want to speed this process up, and recover quickly. Go for it! Get yourself out there again, and crawl out of your cocoon. My guess is that you will crawl out and back in again many times over, as I have done (and continue to do), along the way. The world can be a scary place! But, our goal fishies, should be to weave a cocoon out of friends and books and naps and all the things that comfort us in healthy ways. That way when we need to crawl back in and hide for a while we are falling into a soft place. An ED is not a soft place (although it feels that way sometimes). Life feels much scarier when you do not have a soft place to fall!

So what does it mean to take a risk? For me it was taking a trip I had always wanted to take, moving to a big city, ending a relationship I had been clinging to, moving away to school far far (very far, hehe!) away. The important thing to note is that absolutely none of these so-called risks have solved my problems with eating (at first I always think they will…lol). But the important thing is that they have allowed me to keep moving and growing along the way. They are things that I would have done in my life if I wasn’t struggling with an ED. Take risks that you have a gut feeling about, or that will provide you with a springboard to learn more about yourself and where you want to take your life. Sometimes the things I did to keep going came up empty, there were points where I was too low emotionally to appreciate what I was doing. But, by keeping going, and taking new turns and risks, you are always at a point where you can potentially start to remember why you are here on this earth and what you are meant to contribute (sorry to get all cheesy on you guys!).

I hope we can all keep writing on this message board! While I have come a looong way in this process, I still have such a long way to go (isn’t it crazy how long it takes to figure yourself out?!?!) I finally feel like I am at the point where I can write and share and bounce ideas around, something I couldn’t do before. I hope you guys are willing! Since I am so far away, I have no access to group therapy or anything of that sort. So, its great to make some connections online.


Wow - I just realized I wrote a book...I'll stop now!

Mary :girly