Little girl you weigh too much

[vannesa]

I work as an au-pair for two little children. a boy who is four and a girl who is six. The little girl isn't fat. she isn't thin either. I think she is what you would call a healthy six year old. She's cute, she has this belly that she just sticks out.
Her mother is totally crazy. She thinks the girl is too fat and doesn't allow both kids to drink milk beacuse it's got sugar in it (?!) she buys all diet stuff for the girl, including diet/light ice cream and yoghurts and everything.
I think that the little girl is too young to understand that her mother is shoving "you're fat" in her face, without her saying it.
I just stand at the side and want to cry. It's so hard for me to see this, beacause it's just a bomb waiting to explode.
The mother tells me that she just sees her daughter getting fatter and fatter each day and that I should cut back on her meals. She doesn't know I have an eating problem, and I know she doesn't have one. It's just so hard for me to see!
I know this sounds dramatic, but what have we come to!!!??? Isn't this where the problems start? Being brainwashed at such a young age?
What are some of your opinions on this? I don't have a clue how to cope with it, without going crazy!!! ED or no ED!!!

[Vanessa]

hey Vannesa! we pretty much have the same name, lol. anyways, I just thought I'd share things... I have seen parents do this too and although there isnt' a lot most people can do in these situations (after all we're not the parents) I think the fact that you know this is "a bomb waiting to explode" puts you in a position where maybe some good can come from this situation. I know it's hard hun, and it must suck to stand there having to listen to those things and watch her pretty much put her little kids on a diet at such a young age. Milk has calcium, not useless sugar!!!! Do you think you could maybe get her some articles on one nutrition (ie. some from all food categories) and two, on eating disorders? You don't have to shove them in her face, I'm sure she won't even listen if she thinks you're telling her to parent, but you could be like "oh, I came across this article and I thought it was quite interesting...." or take them w/ you and read them yourself but leave them lying on the table so that she'll take a look at them. meanwhile, try to do your best not having the kids focus on food and what's right/wrong when you're w/ them. that's about all you can do..... sadly. I don't get why parents are like that, that sounds familiar from comments I'd get to hear about body image etc. in general when I was younger.... and it's no good!!

I hope that you'll be able to keep your head above waters too w/ all of this :sad ... that'd be a difficutl situation for anyone to be in, even w/out an ed....

[MemorableBabyDolly]

That is partially how my eating disorder started. My parents hid food, cut back on my meals, etc. I ate to get back at them, and threw up to "show them who was boss."

[JennyRose]

This upsets me too! Has the girls's pediatrician said anything? If she is within the healthy/normal weight to height ratio, the mom should be pleased. Maybe a medical authority can help. When is her next check up?

[vannesa]

She just had a check up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she is just fine though.
It makes me so mad! I can't do anything, I can't say anything to the mom, she thinks she's a great mom, worrying about her daughter, making sure she eats "healthy".
This is such a sick situation...

[flynnie]

its frightening that anyone could risk the health of a child in this way. i mean, she is six for god sake, therefore she needs fat in her diet and milk is still a good idea for her to have. i find this maddening! :reallymad never mind the potential psychological damage.
sadly, though there isnt a lot you can do about it. some good suggestions have been made, the leaflets are a good idea!
im not surprised you are finding this hard....i think most people would.
:gimmehug :gimmehug

xflynniex

[HollyJC]

Milk does have sugar in it, but unless you have a lactose intolerance, the body can digest it easily!

I was brought up being told which foods were 'good' and 'bad' and I believe that it is because of things like that I have developed an eating disorder. My mum was disgusted with me sometimes for eating sweets, or having semi-skimmed rather than skimmed milk, or eating crisps. I think that the disgust and the messages portrayed by her regarding food was damaging!

Is it possible that you can bring up eating disorders with the girl's mum - without disclosing your own if necessary? I think that the only way that she will ever be able to understand the damage she can cause is if she is actually shown the consequences!

Holly

[cherrychan]

That mom sounds pretty uneducated to me. I don't know a little girl who DOESNT have their stomach sticking out. All little girls have that, even if the rest of them is tiny. That's just how they develop. I'd say the mom shouldn't worry about her daughter getting fat unless all she does is sit, watch TV and eat. If she just acts like a normal girl, when she's old enough, her metabolism will decide what size she's supposed to be. But there's nothing wrong with trying to keep kids away from junk food either. Taking away milk is a little crazy though.

[Seabiscuit]

Wow - this is a really difficult issue... I would suggest just being as supportive to the girl as possible... it sounds to me like the mom has an issue with food. A concern that I have if the meals are smaller is that the girl would possibly get hungrier during other parts of the day- maybe leading to bad eating habits of snacking or cravings
Six is so young for her to be deprived of milk and have diet foods in her face- wow that is really early to be exposed...
i think it is really great that you are concerned and caring- maybe just let the little girl know that you are there for her and she can come and talk to you about things!
goodluck with it!

[vannesa]

Thanks everyone...I don't know what I'll do yet. I do Talk to the girl and tell her she can ask me anything anytime. I try to explain to her that she just has to eat until she feels full, not to feel like she has to finnish everything on her plate, I don't know if this is okay or not, I try to stay away from the fat and weight and diet issue, just to make sure she feels comfortable with herself and what she's eating.
And I know the mom is against...But ever now and then I give them both a big glass of milk... She should buy skim if she's so worried, no?
The mother never sits with them while they eat, So I always do, that way it's like "meal-time". I read about that somewhere...
Please tell me if this is the right things to say to her, the right things to do...I don't really know...?

[geelou]

woah, that is quite tough situation, but i think its really great that you are concerned, and wanting to help.

i think you sitting with them whilst they are eating is a great idea. it normalises the whole situation, if you get what i mean, and it probably makes eating dinner or lunch alot more pleasurable and less of a chore for the kids.

i think what you are saying to the girl is exactly the right things to say to her, but i really do think you should talk to her mum. she cant change unless she sees something is wrong.

:yay your doing a great job.
good luck with whatever you decide to do!
take care
Gee
xxx

[lovingspirit]

I am that six year old (thirty-six years ago) and I cried reading this.

I wish you luck and admire you for seeing the problem.

sue

[Trixiefour]

UGH! I am a parent of two girls and when I see parents degrade their chidren (espeically with weight issues) it makes me cringe!

What happens when this little thing is in her tweens when many kids eat to feed their growing bodies, but sometimes their height doesnt take off until they are deemed "pudgy" by society? This mom will have her purging!!! UGH UGH UGH....probably shouldnt have responded to this one...it angers me.

Look for that little girl to be posting HERE in a few years, that is for sure.

Instead of nurturing people for who they are, society holds standards that are unreasonable and unrealistic.

I read a quote that I dont totally agree with, but it does have a wonderful message: "Eating disorders are within us, society brings them out."

Your job, since you arent her mom, is to work toward building a positive self image. Give her reassuring words and build her self esteem. All kids need that....she just is going to need a bit more.

[Jennnifer]

:hugon Vannesa :hugoff Perhaps you should gently remind the mother next time she says something that little girls NEED fat reserves in order to produce estrogen in order to get their periods. She NEEDS fat reserves in order to become a woman.

:gimmehug

[bridewell]

:hugon Vannesa :hugoff

I am so sorry for this little girl and for you in this situation. I have no suggestions as to what you can do (except that you could ask your doctor or a teacher or someone else who works with kids for advice - they may know of some agency you can inform anonymously).

But I want to say that although this is hard for you, you shouldn't feel that this is your responsibility. You cannot intervene in the situation or change the mum's behaviour or anything, except in very small ways. It is great that you are trying to help and I admire you for that but I would urge you for your own sake not to feel too involved.

I say this because I have an aunt who is bringing up her son, my cousin, very badly and I feel terrible for the poor boy but no matter how much I feel awful for him and cross with her, there is almost nothing I can do and I have had to accept that. Being a friend and letting them know that they can talk to you about anything is really the only thing you can do.

Good luck,
Bridey

[Jennnifer]

:hugon Bridey :hugoff

You are so right! Vannesa can say something, but in the end it isn't her problem to solve. That's an important reminder!

Take care,

:gimmehug