wanting to get secretly get pregnant

[lilsweetie]

i know this is a horrible thought... but i've wanted a baby since i was sixteen. really. i'm twenty-one now. my boyfriend and i are planning on being together forever, he wants to have kids in a couple of years MINIMUM two at least so we can solidify our relationship and make sure that we both have good jobs. he said he'd be comfortable having a child at the job he's at currently, but it would ideally be better in a couple years. he does want kids though. however, this seems too faraway for me, i can't wait two years. every time of the month it comes around for me to start on a new pack of birth control pills, i find the decision to take them so hard to make. i could so easily just stop taking them and get pregnant...

i know it's completely impractical right now, i'm in school, i have two more years of school left if everything goes right... i just don't think i can wait. it's such a huge yearning inside me to have a baby... the fact that i'm not married doesn't seem to bother me. my bf, stew, knows how badly i want a baby and he says, "i hope that you wait for me to have kids with". he wants this same future with me, our timelines are just a bit off.

ultimately it's my decision, but i want to know what you think... would it be terrible if i went ahead and secretly went off birth control? it's not like i'd expect him to support the child, so it's not unfair to him in that way... it's just that for five years i've wanted to have a child so badly, not just on and off, the desire is always there, and to wait another two years is soooo long.

[MemorableBabyDolly]

ultimately it's my decision, but i want to know what you think... would it be terrible if i went ahead and secretly went off birth control? it's not like i'd expect him to support the child, so it's not unfair to him in that way... it's just that for five years i've wanted to have a child so badly, not just on and off, the desire is always there, and to wait another two years is soooo long.


You do a lot of growing up in two years. Yeah, you may be together forever now but things change. You grow up. He grows up. You get a job and your priotities change. Anyway, you are still in school and have no money. A baby requires more than just love but money. I remember a very telling tale of a friend I had that was just like you. She went off birth control so she could get pregnant and her bf would stay forever. Well, she got pregnant, had the kid, moved in and planned to marry her bf and he left her for someone else. Anyway, I remember she gave me a ride home from school and I asked her why she didn't get a new car. She said, "I can't. I have a son to support." Those words shocked me into the next world. Just remember you are young and you are up to make rash decisions. Stay on birth control. Be an adult raising your child. Not a child raising a child.

[weirdharold]

^ well put

[Jennnifer]

ultimately it's my decision The fact that you said that screams that you are no where near ready to have a child. :gimmehug

As Dr. Phil says: "It takes TWO yesses to have a baby, and ONE no not to have a baby.

It is not your decision alone to make.

would it be terrible if i went ahead and secretly went off birth control To be honest, yes it would be terrible.

From what I read in your post, you are basically pouting that things aren't going YOUR way, and so you want to get pregnant to control things and make them your way...which makes it a bad decision, and not to mention you have not given one consideration to the baby. That's what makes you not ready.

A baby deserves TWO parents who are BOTH ready for the baby.

A baby deserves a DADDY in his/her life who IS supporting him/her.

A baby deserves a MOMMY who doesn't have an eating disorder.

If you want a baby so badly under these circumstances, then I think you need to get to the bottom of what the real issue is. Because I doubt it has only to do with wanting a baby.

i just don't think i can wait You can wait, you don't want to wait.

Lets put aside the baby for a minute. You have given absolutely no respect or consideration to your BF here. You want to build a relationship on lies and deception AND create a life out of lies and deception?

it's just that for five years i've wanted to have a child so badly This screams out to me that there is so much more going on here. If you've badly wanted a baby since sixteen, then you don't really want a baby. You want whatever you think a baby will give to you.

I strongly encourage that you speak to a therapist about these issues.

I don't mean for any of this to sound harsh and I definitely don't want to sound judgemental. It is just when you see someone on the verge of a MONUMENTAL mistake, it's hard to sit back and watch that trainwreck happen.

Take care, :hugon HON :hugoff

:gimmehug

[shortstop]

I totally agree with Jennifer. Totally.

What does having a baby give you that you dont' feel that you have now?

You are so young....I'm not that much older than you, twenty-four, and I can tell you that there is a huge difference between me now and me then, and it's only three years.

What don't you want to find out about yourself? Why are you afraid to grow in your own right? Why do you feel the need to trap your boyfriend? (Essentially, that's what it looks like.)

You still have a lot of time to live your own life. Kids need well-rounded parents, and it's hard to be well-rounded at twenty one. I know there are a lot more experiences I want in my life before I have a child. I want to learn more about me and about the world so I can bring as much to the table for raising a child as possible.

Have you talked to your T about this?

[gone]

Okay, this probably isn't going to help things very much, but one of my friends is your age and wanted to have kids with her husband and he said no because they are saving for a house etc. So she got a bird instead and she loves it so much- she hangs out with it all the time at home, it's an awesome companion, etc.

I would also urge you to think carefully about this. Will you still want a baby in a few years? How would your bf feel if he knew you lied?

[lilsweetie]

i'm at work right now so i'll have to come back to answer some of your challenges, but thank you to everyone to responded.
I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him. i wrote that i don't expect him to support me and/or the child. if i do go ahead and do this, i would be knowingly heading into it alone. if he chose to be there with me, then great, if not, then that's too bad. i know that having a child does not cement a relationship together. i know it can drive one apart, so please don't think i'm trying to trap him, or make him commit to me more than is right now.

i'll come back to respond again later, when i'm not at work. thank you for your replies, i don't think you are being too harsh. i think you are all being very honest and i appreciate it.

[Jennnifer]

I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him. i wrote that i don't expect him to support me and/or the child. if i do go ahead and do this, i would be knowingly heading into it alone.

You are telling yourself a lie here. A trap is a trap is a trap is a trap. Getting pregnant by deceiving your BF is a trap.

Hon, this whole idea is very immature and totally selfish. Selfish.

That's what we are trying to get you to see. Having a baby isn't about YOU. It is about what is best for the baby. And the very fact that you REFUSE to consider your BF's feelings and how any of this would impact a baby, screams that you are not ready for a baby.

I say this from experience. I dated my BF/now DH for nine and a half years before getting married. And I felt desperation at wanting a baby, and I indeed thought on several occassions about throwing out my pills because it would be that easy.

Thanks GOD I never did it and we had our first child at twenty-eight when we were both ready.

And let me tell you: that little fantasy you have going on in your head about how things would be with a baby is just that: a fantasy YOU made up. Life is SO MUCH HARDER than the fantasy.

You have no idea how a baby can break you when you aren't whole to begin with.

Please be open to what I am saying....

:gimmehug

[Kensington]

Jennifer said: You want whatever you think a baby will give to you.

I was thinking that, too. What do you think a baby will give you?

If you go off birth control secretly in order to get pregnant, knowing that your b/f thinks you are on it as you have agreed for you to be, then you are trying to get pregnant in a secretive way that is not fair to him. If you knew it was ok to do this, wouldn't you tell him flat out, "I'm going to go off the pill hoping you will get me pregnant & then you are free to either stay or go in the baby's life"?

I know full well that when I was twenty-one years old, I wasn't open to hearing older people tell me "When I was your age ..." stories, but I hope you are at least open to this idea - you are very young. If you have a baby now you will cancel out a lot of options that would otherwise be open to you. You will make a lot of dreams very difficult to achieve. Being a single mother is very expensive, both in terms of cash & time. It may all seem like a diaper commercial, where the baby is giggling & cute as can be & the mom or both parents are beaming with pride, but it's way more than that, especially if you end up going it alone. And very much so if you are trying to fill a void that is not baby-shaped.

Your boyfriend has the right to know if you go off the pill & BEFORE you go off it. You cannot force him into fatherhood & say it's not a deceitful thing.

[shortstop]

I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him. i wrote that i don't expect him to support me and/or the child. if i do go ahead and do this, i would be knowingly heading into it alone
Okay, lets get something straight...just becasue you don't expect something from his doesnt mean that you're not trapping him. You are stealing his choices, his sperm, and his future for your own selfishness. You are going to force him into a situation that he has no choice in being in. At least be an adult and tell him what you're feeling and give him the choice to leave because he's not ready.

You are definately living in a dreamland. IF you do this, it will not turn out nicely. And think about your child, when they grow up and ask why dad isn't around and you have to tell them because you didn't want a dad for them, or worse, you tell them that dad didn't want to be around because you did one of the most decietful things a woman can do. You're not only hurting your bf here, you're hurting your future child, and if you want to be a mother as badly as you say you'll stop being selfish, grow up and realize that you're too immature and young. I hate to say this, but it's quite obvious that you are NOT emoionally ready for a child. You still have a great deal of growing up to do.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, you're going to throw that away by lying to him. And don't fool yourself this is a lie. A huge one.

I get the feeling that you don't love/trust yourself very much. A child won't change this. You need to change you, don't put that burden on a baby.

[snowcheetah]

Hi lilsweetie,
Now I agree with the other fishies that it would be wrong if your bf did not consent to having a baby and you are definitely right when you say that it would be impractical now.

But I was thinking, that in a way I am feeling the same thing. Not about wanting a baby (that scares me still) but about wanting to be with my bf (like married :supergrin - though it feels very weird saying it) and knowing that I have to wait at least **** years while I go through grad school :-p So i have some issues with this too I think- we both want something and don't want to wait but really we do need to wait and work on finding ourselves first.

I was thinking maybe you could get involved in something to take your mind off it for now and give you the chance to work on your ed and to finish school. Are there any clubs or sports at school that you might be interested in joining?

I'd be happy to talk about the 'wanting' more if you want :muhaha , can give you my im- since I think I'm feeling a similar thing.

It will be worth the wait hun :lubdub

[LouisaN]

I relate to really wanting a baby...sometimes quite badly! Stay in school and stay honest with your boyfriend if you care about him and really want to spend the rest of your life with him. As others have pointed out, the urge to secretly get pregnant is a little red flag....you have a little maturing to do. This is not just your decision...the baby will be your boyfriend's child also. Ask yourself why you want a baby right now. Why would you risk ruining your boyfriend's trust? And you wouldn't expect him to support the baby, but would you be able to as a college student? What sort of life do you want for your baby someday?

I am not trying to criticize you in any negative way. A baby is a hugely important decision. I am twenty-eight and am not as 'mature' as I'd like to be. I have areas in my life that I want to improve or make more stable before I even think about it. I want my baby to have a healthy, fairly stable life with two parents. You are very young. Once you have a child, you will be invested in their life for the rest of your life. It is so important to be ready. It sounds like you are on the right track. Hopefully later down the road you can honestly discuss this with your boyfriend. It is not just your decision. Whether he supports the baby or not, it is his baby. Whether he feels ready or not, he will be instantly put into an awkward situation of deciding what to do about his child that he was not ready to have. Perhaps you will eventually carry a baby...but it will be just as much his baby as yours. Secretly going off the pill is terribly deceitful, as others have pointed out.

[LouisaN]

"I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him. i wrote that i don't expect him to support me and/or the child. if i do go ahead and do this, i would be knowingly heading into it alone. if he chose to be there with me, then great, if not, then that's too bad."

That sounds so sad. And selfish. I'd encourage you to step back and reread that sentence until you can see how selfish and immature that statement is. Are you using your boyfriend? You want a baby and if he doesn't...fine...you'll just steal his sperm and let him figure out the whole emotional part. Like I said, how could he not be involved? What huge pressure to find out that someone is going to have your baby?!! Some call it a trap...it looks to me like you are using your boyfriend. You would choose raising a baby by yourself without being able to support it over the relationship you already have with your boyfriend? Are things really going okay with him?

As others have pointed out, if you have wanted a baby since you were sixteen, that is worth looking into. Would a baby fill some void? We can't have babies for ourselves. We have to give up our lives for our children...it is a total sacrifice. They don't need to love you and be there for you...it's the other way around.

Please focus on your recovery and building a strong relationship with your boyfriend right now. It will be worth the wait. None of us like to wait....sometimes we just know we have to...that's part of growing up. And we all need to grow up before we decide to bring babies into this world.

[LouisaN]

Sorry for sounding so harsh. As Jennifer stated, it's hard to sit back and let a huge mistake happen. This doesn't just involve you....and the fact that you think it only involves you really concerns me. It would change the life of your boyfriend and you would bring a baby into the world in unstable circumstances. Please know I am just concerned. Please discuss all of this with your therapist....it is not an uncommon desire by any means. But we can't act on our urges when they would have huge impacts on the lives of others. These kind of urges need to be carefully examined. Best wishes.

[LouisaN]

Me again. I gotta shut up...just one more thought. If you are dishonest with your boyfriend, go through with this, and the relationship falls apart, understand that the baby is not just yours. He could take you to court and take 'your' baby away from you, especially if you are not healthy or able to support the baby. Even though he is not ready for a baby, I can't imagine he wouldn't feel instantly attached to his own child...yet very hurt by your actions. This looks like a potential court battle...is this your dream life?

[gone]

I was thinking about this- one of my relatives did this, secretly got pregnant, and it ripped apart the marriage. There was always this hostility that was present, it poisoned a lot of the love that they shared, and it was so sad because things could have been different.

[Jennnifer]

:hugon lilsweetie :hugoff

I just wanted to say I think you are so brave by admitting all of this to us and then having to read all the replies. I dont' want to discount how I am glad you were willing to take that risk. :gimmehug

One more thought: if this all wasn't a trap, then you would have no problem telling your BF up front: "I want a baby now and so I am getting off the pill. If you don't want a baby, then I'll expect you to use a condom every time we have sex. I would like to get pregnant now, and get on with that part of my life."

And then he'd have the decision about when to get you pregnant.

The very fact that you can't do that proves it is a deceitful trap.

I just wanted to point that out....

:gimmehug

[angels]

I understand exactly how you're feeling babe.
I am going through the same longing honey.

Email me if you like.

Take care,
Angels
xxx

[ribbon]

I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him. i wrote that i don't expect him to support me and/or the child. if i do go ahead and do this, i would be knowingly heading into it alone.

Are you saying that you're financially and emotionally equipped to raise a child on your own?

I just want to clarify that i am not trying to trap him.

I'm confused, because you say you're going to be with him forever. I'm wondering if you've thought about how the betrayal of deliberately getting pregnant would impact this.

Louisa makes a great point
If you are dishonest with your boyfriend, go through with this, and the relationship falls apart, understand that the baby is not just yours. He could take you to court and take 'your' baby away from you, especially if you are not healthy or able to support the baby. Even though he is not ready for a baby, I can't imagine he wouldn't feel instantly attached to his own child...yet very hurt by your actions. This looks like a potential court battle...is this your dream life?


Have you discussed this with your therapist and how your decision would impact your recovery?

[MemorableBabyDolly]

I know many girls like you that want a baby to give them love and to make up for what they don't believe they have. Well, let me tell you for as much as that baby can give you love that baby will break your heart as well. Kids hurt their parents, whether it is intentionally or unintentionally. I don't know about you but I have hurt and disappointed my parents on occaision. Don't get me wrong, they are proud of me for all I have accomplished. As well, babies get sick. Are you ready to stay up all night and take care of the baby and sacrifice sleep? Are you ready for the tubes in the ears? The chicken pocks? Are you ready for the strain of parent teacher conferences and bad teachers? Are you ready to sacrifice your friends so you can take care of this baby? Are you prepared not to have a life so you can take care of this baby? Are you ready for he or she to bring home the boyfriend or girlfriend you hate and see them even though you don't want to? Are you ready for your kids to sneak out to party or to do other things not uncommon for young people? Are you ready to give them the talk on drugs? Are you ready for all these things and ready in general?

Sweetheart, I am someone your age and I will get off my soapbox. But I have seen girls my age do this, many of them friends and caring people like you. Many of them lonely like you. Dad figures he can walk away and he often does. And within the first two years of the child's life is no longer there. I have seen many women like you, smart, intelligent, and having a future throw it away for a temporary need of love and lonliess.

And in your lonlieness and selfishness (not selfishness. Selfishness is not the right word) you forget that your child will be the real victim. They will have no father and a mother struggling to support them. I encourage you to talk to other single moms in your age group. They will tell you it sucks. I know them. They struggle. And it only gets harder as the kid gets older. Plus you will not be able to be there like you want to because you will be working.

I speak as someone who's boyfriend was a product of this arrangement. Though soon after his mom got pregnant his folks married, they split up when he was still a baby. his mom was busy working and his dad was in and out of the picture. My bf spent his whole youth making mistakes he would not have made if a parent figure could not have been there. It took him a while, but he got it together. But still, he has attachment issues. Would you want to do that to your kid.

And baby, I am not yelling at you. and I am sorry this response is so long. But this is something I feel strongly about and don't want to see you make a bad decision.

[nc]

I thing everyone has said it all very well, so I am not going to go that route, instead I am going to share my experience with you. I was eighteen with my first son, twenty with my second, and I was married. I love my children with all my heart, they are now in their twenties, but let me give you an idea of what it will be like.

I had to drop out of college. I tried to do it all, but with a baby and working (my husband was in college and working forty hours a week but his salary was not enough) it was impossible. I was lucky that I worked at night so my husband with the help of his mother watched the baby, but I HATED having anyone watch him. So I spent as much time with him when I wasn't at work. Tried to study at work (I worked in a convientant store) because when I was at home I wanted to be with the baby one hundred percent. So school had to go because I couldn't keep up my grades and couldn't go full time, and to be honest I couldn't stay awake in class I was so sleep deprived. I am a bright, intellegent woman, but that doesn't go far on a resume, so even now getting a job I am fully capable of doing is next to impossible because I don't have a degree.

Forget about friends. The ones your age want to go out and have fun, they are dating and going to movies and bars and out to restraunts. You will not be able to afford this becuse your money will go on diapers and such, and even if you could it is next to impossible with a baby. So your friends will find new friends which overall may be okay with you, but I promise you at some point you will long for a friend.

Now you could make friends with other parents, but the problem is most of them will be quite a bit older than you. They will have experienced life before having a child and be in a totally different place emotionally and most likely financially. You just won't quite fit in.

I am now in my forties. I loved every minute of being a parent (will almost, there is a few experiences I could have passed on) but even now there is an inequality between me and a lot of woman. Most woman I know my age still have kids at home, heck some are still in elementary school, so now that I am free to come and go they are not, and they tend to gravitate to other woman who have children at home. There is still a gap in life experience. When they talk of all that they have done, travel, eduction, etc., those opportunities are just opening up to me, I can't really join in the conversation.

I was/am fortunate that I had a spouse by my side the whole time. Just be prepared, if you deceive him and he finds out you will be in this alone. Which means you will have to leave your child with a stranger while you are working to provide for him/her. Is this really the life you imagine when you think of being a mom?

[Jennnifer]

you will have to leave your child with a stranger while you are working to provide for him/her

Just to add to this, when my first was born, I worked. Eight years ago daycare was one hundred thirty five dollars a WEEK. My son actually did well with daycare BUT when we was about a year old, he developed ear infections every week. He was sick ALL of the time because what the other mothers do is give Motrin right before daycare, which keeps fevers down for eight hours. No one had enough sick days and so no one stayed home with sick kids. It is all part of working the system.

I only got five sick days, which were blown rather quickly. One week I was at the ped's office THREE times. My boss started docking my pay, which meant I was working full time, but getting part time salary.

I had to quit my job. My child was no longer thriving and was sick ALL of the time. He needed tubes in his ears and his speech was delayed, which meant he needed speech therapy, which we've now been doing since he was three. Speech therapy is NOT covered by most insurances and is about forty dollars a half hour.

And I could go on about what happened when my twins were born... that story ends in just about a mental breakdown when they were four months old.

Along these lines, my question is: what do you plan to do for health insurance, not only for your pregnancy, but for the baby? Having a baby costs about eight thousand dollars and that is with no complications. A complicated pregnancy with a premature deliver could easily run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Are you prepared for that?

:gimmehug

[LouisaN]

Good points, Jennifer! I am saving money now so that I can hopefully have children in my thirties. Not everyone needs to wait this long, but for me recovery has been important. Second to that has been finishing college and acquiring a stable job with decent benefits. Now I need to build my little nest egg...and find the special guy. I would hope to have a strong, trusting relationship before discussing children.

I was born premature. I was one hell of an expensive little baby...incubator and many trips to the doctor, along with lung infections and pneumonia early in life (born with underdeveloped lungs). It took two hard-working parents to take care of me and I am grateful to both of them!! I can't IMAGINE the struggle for single mothers. Jennifer, I hope your little ones are healthy now and that you are handling it all okay, too. I am sure you are very busy!!


lilsweetie, Let us know how things are going. How is the relationship with your boyfriend...your feelings about a baby and your future. Hopefully you are discussing these important issues with your therapist. :gimmehug

[joelle]

I'm not sure how to say this simply and not meanly so I'll attempt and apologize if it comes out wrong...
The fact you're contemplating getting pregnant behind your boyfriends back, tells me you're not mature enoough to have a child.
Just because you body can have a child, doens't mean your emotionally ready.
My husband and I want a child, and it turns out right now it's not possible, but hopefully after my surgery.
We're both nervous, even though this is something we both want, now own a two bedroom, and my husband has a really good stable job, so I'm lucky enough to not have to work. Plus I've been a nanny for almost ten years, right now part time.
We have alot of experience, finances, housing, and we're still nerovus. Why? Because it's a huge step! Earlier this year(our first year of marriage) we contemplated separation, and wei nstantly stopped trying for a few months until we worked thorugh it, and figured out what was going on, and how to resolve. In those three months there was no way I wanted to bring a child into a unstable situation.
I was raised by a single mom who was poor. Sure we loved eachother and had fun, but it's not easy to be the only one without nice clothes, or even new clothes. It's not so glamorous shopping at the salvation army when everyone else is at the mall.
Please think about this.
You're using your boyfriend. I believe you're emotionally abusing him, if you do this.

[sflathinker]

A friend of mine did this, she was thirty five, owned a home, had a GREAT paying job and wasn't in a serious relationship. She told the guy she was occasionally having sex with that she was looking to get pregnant and that it was his choice whether to use protection. She got pregnant. This baby doesn't have a father. She is highly stressed because most single moms are! Having a baby doesn't mean you'll feel love, joy and contentment all the time.

Playing house is fun but in reality, playing house is stressful. You need to be secure financially, mentally, emotionally and you need to have clear direction on how to achieve your goals. Someone who is thinking about getting pregnant without the consent of the man she claims to want to spend her life with, isn't there yet. Enjoy your youth. As you grow older, life throws you more challenges. For now, enjoy the guy and your freedom from those stressors.

[lima]

I totally agree with everything that everyone else has told you.

IF you really want a child, then maybe you ought to consider going to a spermbank and doing it through invitro. That's the only way I think it would be fair for your boyfriend.

You could also consider volunteering w/ kids. Itll help you and youll see how much hard work they really are.

You are very young. Twenty one is very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Dont screw it up.

[Jennnifer]

:hugon lilsweetie :hugoff

I'm figuring you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with these responses.

Do you want to talk about it? :gimmehug

[lilsweetie]

thank you again for your replies. i wish i had a T to talk to about this stuff. but i'm trying to wean myself off therapy (i've been in it for as long as i remember) and want to see if i can do this on my own for a while. like learning to walk. the next time i'm seeing my T will be January I think.

I'm not sure of the "deep down" reason i want a baby. I think i like the idea of having children young and then still having a life after they're all grown up. I have always liked being the youngest, smallest, etc. and i guess this is no different. i want to be the first one out of my friends, acquaintances, etc. to have a baby. to show that i be "this young" and still do it. when i see really young, someitmes even teenage mothers, i get this huge longing inside me to be one of them. I know that i would make a good mother and i can't wait for the day that i will be. I guess i know that one day i will have children but i'm afraid that if i wait for my BF, it will take too long. i want to look after someone, to have someone depend on me, to see that person grow, to be able to raise a little life. i guess i'm really old fashioned... like people who used to have children at fourteen in the medieval times...

why is it that we have to wait for someone else's timeline?

on the other hand, i know that it will be many long nights, lacking sleep. i know that it will be a stretch financially. but somehow in my mind these things don't seem as important. right now i'm on the week of birth control where i have my period (the sugar pills). and on sunday i'll have to start a new package... it's going to be so hard for me to take them because i want to chance it. i just wish i didn't have to make this decision because what i want and what is practical are two different things. i always wished i would have gotten pregnant by accident at sixteen...

i really appreciate your replies and opinions. it's given me a lot to think about.

xoxox
tia

[sekngpeace]

:hugon Tia :hugoff

I know the longing for a child...I've had it my WHOLE life (and I'm thiry six years old!). It's a strong desire and hard to ignore it. But I'm also a social worker who has worked with young mothers and seen just how unhealthy it can be for both mother and child if the mom is ill prepared to raise a child for any number of reasons.

It's funny...even though I have a desire strongly to have a child when faced with the REALITY of it, it's terrifying. My boyfriend and I got carried away and had unprotected sex (I'm not on the pill) this past weekend. We're both older (he's forty one), we live together, we have good jobs, we know we want a life together, etc. HOWEVER, the mere thought that we could've conceived a child is FREAKING me out! We're not ready. And we may have passed the point of no return (I would never have an abortion). I want a child desperately...but the desire to be READY right now is stronger than the desire to be a mother. I never in a million years would've considered that I'd feel that way. I'm fascinated by my own feelings. I've spent so much of my life with horrible fear that I'd never be a mother...especially as I've gotten older. And now, there's this small chance it could happen and I wish I could turn back the hands of time and make sure we used a condom!

Don't underestimate the power of what you could possibly feel after the fact if you make such a decision. A child should be conceived out of mutual love and decision...when the time is right....for all parties involved...man, woman AND especially child.

Just my two cents!

Be well....:peace, jackie

[sflathinker]

From what I am reading, you want to be the first of your peer group to experience motherhood. You want others to look at you and say "wow, she is awesome for being able to raise a child so young." Let me tell you that you won't be envied. You will be the reason others wait. It also sounds like you get this impression that you will feel complete because someone else will depend on you for everything. Do this idea make you feel important?

It's crucial that you discuss these feelings and thoughts with your bf. If he were ready, he would have put a ring on your finger and asked for your hand in marriage. Talk is cheap, I have had the future talk with many of my boyfriends yet I have never been married. Raising a child together talks more than one person feeling she'd be a great mom. I've seen many guys get married and have kids before they are ready and the results aren't great for the women.

Maybe you are old fashioned. If so, then choosing another young person to start a life neither of you is prepared for (emotionally or financially) isn't wise. If you are certain you want to be a young mother than start preparing now for what you will need to get you there. It starts with maturity.

[shortstop]

why is it that we have to wait for someone else's timeline?

Because that's what happens when you're in a mature relationship. You wait until both people are ready, you wait until the time is right. You compromise. And if this is deal breaker for you...break up with your boyfriend and go to a sperm bank. But as long as you're in a relationship, you will have to work with someone else's timeline not just yours. Welcome to growing up, welcome to adulthood. And when you have a child...those first years are on thier timeline, not yours. And Mara is right, your friends will not envy you, they will feel bad for you.

Don't subject your boyfriend to this, it's decietful and wrong. And I agree with Joelle, it's emotional abuse. That's not the kind of person you want to be.

I suggest you get to a T, because it's obvious that you still have some stuff to work out and need help "walking", and that's okay. Don't do this to yourself and ot someone else you'll never forgive yourself and he'll never forgive you.

[bellydancer]

:hugon sweetie :hugoff

I second and third and fourth what the other wise fishies have said.

I'd also like to remind you that you say you want this now and that you're ready, etc. But what I don't think you realize is just how much you will change and grow over the next few years. When I was twenty-one, I was madly in love with a boyfriend that I was going to be with forever. We were going to get married and have lots of children. That is, until we broke up.

I look back at the person I was when I was twenty-one and it's so different from who I am now. Sure, I was more mature than the average person my age, but I matured tremendously between that time and when I was, say, twenty-five. When I was making decisions on my own and trying to stretch my wages from my (relatively) good first job to cover my living expenses.

Trust me, you will still be considered a young parent if you wait until you are twenty-five!!!!!

[bellydancer]

By the way, I also really agree with Lima's comment about volunteering with children. That may help provide an outlet for the side of you that wants to be around kids.

And also.....
Okay, you're in school now....I'm guessing that when you get out of school, you'll probably look for a full-time job. When you start that first "real" job you will likely be on the bottom of the barrel of wherever you're working. You'll be at the bottom of the payscale, you'll be expected to put in longer hours than anyone and you'll receive very little vacation time and possibly none at all for the first year. When are you going to spend time with the child? Please, make it easier on yourself and wait at least a few more years until you are done with school....

[AphiAsco]

I think that shortstop said it all for me...wow, thank you! ecause that's what happens when you're in a mature relationship. You wait until both people are ready, you wait until the time is right. You compromise

I would love to be engaged sooner than i will probably end up being, and i get antsy but i am SOOOO willing to wait b/c i would NEVER give up on spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend b/c its not happening as soon as i would like it to. I love hiim with al my heart and i've realized that If you want something bad enough and it means enough to you, you are willing to wait...atleast that's how i see it.
If you want a baby that badly and you want your boyfriends baby then you wait-it's that simple...you take your pills and keep on with your normal life until that right time comes about....if its just a baby you want, and not even necessarily his baby, you need to seriously reconsider why you are even in this relationship in the first place and seriously consider getting back into therapy rather than weenlng off of it...having a baby is a big deal. I love LOVE LOVE children and i have huge mothering instincts and sometimes day dream about the day when i have my own little ones to hold, but i would NEVER take those daydreams and try to make them reality by being deceitful. A baby is a product of two people, hopefully two people who love each other and make that choice together...yes, there are other times that things happen, but in this situation you are not part of those "other times"
I hope that you are able to make the right decision for you...i can't tell you what that is, but i would hope that come the day you are supposed to start your new pack of pills you take them and try to sort through why it is you would be willinlg to go to such great lenghts to have a baby in such a manner.
-Kim

[MemorableBabyDolly]

Your friends will feel sorry for you. They will do things like take care of your baby at first because they feel bad for you and what you are going through. I see it all the time with my girlfriends who had babies from my hometown. But guess what, your friends have lives and they will want to do young single people things and you will have a baby. How fun is that?

And a babysitter....are you ready to leave your kid in the arms of someone else? My brother was babysat by the girl next door when both my parents worked. She seemed nice. Well, she burnt my brother with a spoon and when my mom confronted her she said, "Sorry your kid has an ulcer." (Denist proved burn). As well, this girl had sex with her bf on the couch while my brother was sick upstairs and yelling for help. Granted, she was fired. But this is who could be watching your kid. Are you ready to worry about that?

And back to the being envied. You will not be envied. No offense, they make lifetime movies about women like you.

[still_truckin]

lilsweetie,
I saw your post and it touched my heart. I had my son at sixteen and my daughter two years ago at twenty three. I love my children with all my heart but if I had to do it all over again I would wait. I love my kids with all my heart but its been a struggle. Having children changes you in many ways but it also is very stressful. Like many others have stated now is a time you should be enjoying your life with your friends and your boyfriend. I am often times jealous of the free lives that my friends have. For the past eight almost nine years I can probably count on my hand the times I slept past seven am. In the summer when my son is not in school I pay two hundred and fifty five dollars a week for childcare. I could go on and on. Don't get me wrong children are a blessing but to give them the lives they deserve you should make sure you are financially and emotionally strong enough. I think every day of what a better mother I could be and could have been to my kids. My son and I have a very close bond and I wish I could give him the world but I can't. I am now in graduate school trying to better myself so I can provide more for my kids. Please think this through carefully hun. If you want to email me please do. I didn't mean to preach I just wanted you to know my experience.

:gimmehug Take care!

Katie

[Darling]

Hi, all!
I have't posted for..... wow, too long time. :-)
Anyway. I understand your feelings. I am the same age. Well, I have no bf, but I really would like to have a baby. Sometimes I am thinking that this is something I will do everything for and may be even stop my foolish disgusting eating behavior. But if I can't. If I become an awful mother???? And I can't aford it. I want my child to have a HOME and everything. And it's not money only. You know, before laying the eggs, the bird makes a nest. Our nest is to become educated, have a job, get married....
So wait a couple of years. Being a mother is a responibility for your whole life!!!!

[luckynerd]

It sounds like you're enamored with the idea of having a baby, not with the reality of it.

If you truly want a baby now, go visit a sperm bank. It's not fair to your boyfriend to make him legally, financially, and morally responsible for a baby he's not ready for.