Disliking myself, anything that would help

[noonoo]

Hi all, I'm really looking for any advice and tips on how to deal with how I feel about myself. I think I have a real dislike of myself. I don't like my personality -I think I'm a bitch. I try and be nice but with people I am close to, like my boyfriend, I seem to do it wrong, when something trivial upsets me, or when I'm jealous I just turn into such a bitch, I have my guard up a lot of the time really. I have low self esteem and so anything will bother me.

I find I have nothing to talk about, I'm boring. I don't always like to be around people unless I really make myself. I like to be alone or with my boyfriend much of the time, although I do have a few friends I see. I just don't like being with them that much, it's like an effort.

How I look is a huge problem, people think I'm pretty, I believe they think that, but i'm not pretty enough, I want to be the prettiest. I'm constantly striving to be something I'm not, and I seem unable to accept myself how I am. Then I get pissed off at myself because I feel so superficial. I get really down about how I look, I notice the tiniest faults, it's like an obsession. I hate going out unless I look what I consider to be nice, but then even when I'm out, I see myself in a mirror or shop window and I feel like crap again. Sometimes I'm so moody with people becuase I just don't feel relaxed and happy with myself. I sometimes think I look nice, but really I know it's not such a huge issue. I feel judged by other girls, I always have been though, maybe that's why. When I got together with my boyfriend, his friends thought I was 'hot,' which I was pleased about, but it's like I have to maintain what people think of me. I hate looking at myself even without make-up. I take clothes to the charity shops where I live cause they make me unhappy, nothing ever looks good enough. Nobody I know understands what I mean when I try and explain this, they think I'm being silly, and tell me how pretty I am and that guys always look at me. It doesn't help even if they do, I don't want this hassle every day, constantly in my thoughts, it does my head in so much!

I've been to the doctor about it, they don't really get it either, I'm embarrassed about being so obsessed with how I look as I must seem like such a narcissist.

Is it normal for people with eating disorders(I think I'm pretty much recovered) to deal with this kind of thing or am I just a freak?

I get so distressed with it all. Sorry about the rant!!

Noonoo x x x

[islanddreamer]

Hi. I am new to this site but in your post you sounded just like me (sometimes). Or rather like I used to be--now I am much worse. But I just wanted you to know that I understand and I don't think you're silly at all! I have always had a problem trying to explain my feelings to other people, too. It is almost like logic doesn't apply, isn't it? We know people are honestly trying to help, know that they seem to think we look presentable enough to venture out in public, and even I MYSELF know that I am not overweight that much( as doctor's define it...like we can go by that!!!) but it's like we will never see ourselves like other people say they do. That's the problem because it's incomprehensible to me how I can look in a mirror and see one image, and someone else sees a different image of me. I wanted to tell you that you're not silly and you're not alone. Good luck to you.

[sflathinker]

What we see is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Women who are insecure always assume that people are looking at them, judging them or ridiculing them. THe funny thing is that the insecure people are worried about themselves and the secure people aren't focusing on such antics. Reality: No one other than you takes notice of every detail of your appearance.

It is truly liberating to love the way you look sans makeup or trendy clothing. Beauty doesn't come from a bottle or a boutique, it radiates from within. And it doesn't matter how many compliments you get, if you don't feel it, you don't see it.

As far as the connection with the ed...not all people with eds have bad body image. But anyone with an ed, or bad body image, struggles with their self worth. Work on liking yourself more and the image staring back at you will look different.

[barnekim]

Noonoo


You are not alone. I absolutely hate myself and that is why I engage in all of my destructive behaviors. I don't understand why people like me.. and I don't know what they see in me. To assist in your self esteem.. first you must stop your damaging thoughts. Every time you have a damaging thought, you can stay.. stop I am not going to continue with this thought. I know that it is hard, but you have to bring your awareness to your thoughts so that you can stop them. Also, you can utilize positive affirmations. For example, if a friend tells you something good about you, you can write it on a card and read it to yourself every day when you get up in the morning. EVEN if you don't believe it, you should do it.

Sincerely,

Kim

[vajra]

:hugonNooNoo:hugoff
You know I understand totally. I wish I had some answers.:sad It sucks so bad.:sad
You are not silly, I totally get what your saying, I feel so much the same. You are not alone. I just wish that someone, somewhere, could tell us the answers...its like, I know that beauty comes from with in and all that... but I hate myself inside and out...and its like if I cant stand who I am and I try and try to change..it wont change...the only thing I feel like I can change is how I look...so I try to be the prettiest, the thinnest, the funkiest dresser, whatever...but even so..its never enough.:sad
I was gonna post about something similar tonight, so thanks for bringing this up.:shy

[noonoo]

Thank you all for your replies. Sometimes I think it's just me that feels like this as all the girls I know seem so together and confident about themselves.

Islanddreamer,thank you for replying so quickly! I guess we have to keep trying to make ourselves believe what people say, as we can go one of two ways, up or down, and I definitely don't want to go back down to rock bottom. It's strange though, after I recovered from anorexia (well the weight at least) I felt good about muyself, even though I was heavier than I am now. I didn't even compare myself unfavourably to other girls. Looking back, perhaps it all started in my last relationship, where I was cheated on. I thought I came out of it unscathed but in retrospect perhaps I didn't, as my self image problems seem to have got worse since that all happened. Is there anything you can pinpoint that may have contributed to how you feel about yourself?

Mara, I know you are so right about the what we see being a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, I have noticed when I feel better I am happier with how I look. It sounds like you love yourself and accept yourself how you are, it must be great to be like that but it seems so alien to me to actually accept how I am when i don't like it. I started dyeing my hair blonde for example, so I would be considered more attractive, as I thought my brown hair made me look boring. I consider going back to my natural colour but it scares me. Did you reach the point you're at now on your own or did you have help?

Kim, you sound very like myself, I identify with not understanding why people like me completely! I am going to try and challenge my negative thoughts. I don't don't talk to friends a lot about it, I only have a couple and I don't feel that close to them, but I try and listen to what my boyfriend tells me, I know I need to try harder to believe it though.

Vajra, thank you for replying once again, you always seem to reply to the few posts I make, I guess because you identify with me a lot. Your post described how I feel in much fewer words, I should have just got to the point! I believe that one day I will be 'okay' with myself as I have been before. I was 'okay' with myself a few years ago, as I explained above. I was actually dumped first for another girl, I took him back then I was cheated on. It's pretty apparent really when I write it all down that this won't have helped. I have a habit of holding onto things, I find it hard not to. Maybe that made me think I'm not good enough, although I have this facade of acting like I am, I wonder if you do that too.

Sorry I've written such a long post, well done if you're still reading! hehe. And good luck to you all. x x x x

[sflathinker]

I never struggled with body image and maybe that stems from my mom, who loves looking at her own reflection. I am a natural type and happy with everything God has given me, this however, did not come from mom who dyes her hair and recently started the cosmetic surgery stuff. I guess it comes from believing I radiate beauty (on the outside, still working on liking who I am on the inside). That can be learned through positive self image work. Instead of criticizing what you see, just smile and say "I look hot" and walk out the door with your head held high. The more you do this the more you'll find it easier to do. Yes, I have bad hair days and days I don't look as good, but it doesn't keep me from going out and having a good time, and it shouldn't for you either. No one expects, or cares, how you look. People care more about how you connect with them on a personal or social level.