taking things personally

[Ariads]

I just wanted to share with you something I realized, and to ask a question it brought up.

Yesterday was an unusual day for me in that I got a lot of feedback about my academic work, which is definitely among the most important things in my life.

Item one: one of my profs told me after class that I was doing an excellent job, and later sent me an email saying the same thing, just to reinforce. I also got a lot of positive feedback from a few of my fellow students in that section. :shy

Item two: a friend read the paper I'd written and clearly didn't think it was very good. He made some rather vague suggestions, but didn't suggest anything specific. :ugh

These two instances are equivalent in that each focuses on an aspect of my intellectual work and neither is very specific.
So what did I do with the information? The positive, I tried very hard to distance myself from, "lest it get to my head"; the negative, I immediately took very personally and let hurt and upset me. :ohboy

I realized that I tend to take feedback based on an assumption that a healthy person with a healthy self-image does not need to cling to external affirmation but is stable enough to take criticism into account.
Now, two things:
- I don't have a healthy self-image, so this does not apply to me in any case.
- Is this really even true?...

:idea I think a healthy person certainly does not take criticism personally, even if she takes it into account. No one can survive that way! Each criticism would take off a little chunk of that healthy self-image until it ceased to be healthy.

But what about positive comments?
I've always heard that thing about not being dependent on external affirmation. But at the same time, much of what I pride and value in myself has to do with qualities which other people frequently bring to my attention. Am I to try to distance myself from those things, the way I tried to yesterday? Is it a bad idea to take ANYTHING personally, or are positive and negative comments different?

Maybe the answer is that if I start taking positive things personally and practice affirmations and in general improve my self-image, I won't NEED to take anything personally anymore, positive or negative. :confused

Your thoughts please, :fishy?

Ariadne

[ribbon]

Everybody loves a little positive external validation from time to time. Its healthy to be open to constructive criticism, both positive and negative, because it can help us grow and learn. There's nothing wrong with feeling good when you're given postive kudos. I think it becomes problematic if people base their entire self esteems on feedback from others and/or from external validation and accomplishments. I think it's telling that you ignored the positive feedback from your professor, yet took to heart the less than positive one from your friend.
I personally have a policy never to ask a question that I don't want an honest answer to (saves hurt feelings that way :muhaha). The feedback that I appreciate most is from people who I can trust to be honest and specific criticism. The one friend I go to the most always has ways that I can improve and trust her so much because she tells me the truth.
I always found positive affirmations to be really helpful. The ones that helped me most were taking a negative thought and turning it around to an affirmation, specific to whatever situation I was getting on myself about.

[frailty]

I do the SAME thing. Its so aggravating and so hard for me and my fiance. He gets so aggrivated with me but i dont know how to stop it :( If he gives me any bit of creative critisism or tries to help me I automatically take it personally or assume hes looking down on me.
When my mom or anyone walks around in a bad mood I aussme its myfault. I feel horrible cause I hate being that way. Im so good at helping others, but when it comes to me I just like, cant hear it or something. And I know he has the best intentions at heart. If someone at work says they would rather me do something another way, I totally take it to the extreme and am in a complete funk with my brain all over "You suck, you suck at your job, ect"
I wish I knew how to stop it for you :( ......and myself :(

[Hart]

(((((Ariadne)))))

Well hon, you write very well, hope you won't take that wrong....sorry, couldn't resist. :supergrin I don't take criticism so bad as I worry a person doesn't like me, that is much more childish, and I am much older than you, so don't feel alone.

I too have a couple of friends (like Ribbon does) that I go to as a true yardstick of a situation. I know I tend to overreact to how someone might feel about me and these two friends are so very, very patient with that aspect of my personality, well we are good friends, though, funnily enuf the two of them aren't.

But I digress. The person you went to that vaguely criticized you YOU went to. That probably made him think criticism was what you felt you needed and wanted from him.

The prof that complimented you....went OUT OF HIS WAY to do so, so I judge that action to have more sincerity and you should be impacted stronger by that.

I liked Ribbon's idea of turning criticism into a positive. I'll try that next time, if you will :challenge

[Ariads]

:hugon Ribbon, Laura :hugoff

You both bring up a very good point about how it's worth taking into consideration who made the comment...seems obvious now that it's been pointed out :wacky
And Ribbon, your policy of not asking questions you don't want an honest answer to...such a good idea, but so much harder than it sounds!

Thanks so much for all your input, guys.

:hugon Frailty :hugoff

Good luck to both of us!! :kick

Ariadne