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Sessily
07-03-2005, 07:14 AM
Moved from Self-Esteem to Creative Writing


In the Morning Of My Life

I was not blind,but could not see,
nor could i feel the sun.
I stood there all alone and felt
as if my heart and soul were gone.
I was not deaf,but could not hear
the songs of the birds in the skies
Because She came and ruined everything
In the morning of my life
I used to walk aimlessly going nowhere,
used to wander alone in the night
There were no stars,it was dark everywhere,
I had no ray of light for a guide
No matter how i would try to beat Her
She would defeat me and would even want more
I would lie there crying and thinking
"This will last forevermore"
I could feel Her icy hands touch me,
I could hear Her tell me "You're doomed"
And all the paths She ever showed me
Always led back to Her
And I walked along a river of tears
with no laughter,no love,and no smiles
I was trapped in a maze with no exit
In the morning of my life
I was right-the maze had no exit,
no exact path that would lead me out
And then IO realized-I had to break it,
I heard a voice from deep inside
"Go!Outside is your salvation,
and the songs,and the smiles,and the sun.
No more pain,no more aggravation.
Out there is your new life,come on!!"
So i stood up on my feet and defied her
I didn't ask for permission to leave
I said goodbye and told her to pack up
I took control of my life
And after that things sarted changing
The sun rose for me for the first time
And slowly the river of tears
turned into an ocean of light
Now I can see,i can feel,I can hear
and listen to the songs of the birds,
I feel the sun's rays touching my hair
And I feast my eyes on the stars every night
I am opening a new page
And everything is starting now
I'll be as big as my dreams are
And won't let small things make me low
I am starting to build up my future
And from now on I'm going to fight
So here I am now in the morning
Of a brand new beautiful life :-)))

...I wrote that in the summer during which i was almost recovered.I reaally think that if that guy hadnt tried to rape me and that neighbour of mine hadndt molested me I would now be a completely healthy young girl... :sad :sad :sad :sad :sad ...I lost it all...

Malawi
07-03-2005, 08:09 AM
Helpless_tears,

That poem is so beautiful. In it I can read a real hope. What you describe is the feeling of being lost and in despair - at that point you thought there was no hope - BUT- then you were able to break free and know life.

This is not just a platitude. You have done it once, and I believe that you can do it again. Can you not see how much it is worth fighting for - to feel the warmth of the sun, to feel alive again? Don't let those evil men steal from you what you had worked so hard for.

I'm standing beside you in support.

(And I wish I could express myself as beautifully as you!)

Sessily
07-03-2005, 10:26 AM
:hugon Malawi :hugoff ,
thank you very much for your nice words!you can read hope in te poem because back then i really did have hope.i was kinda optimistic... but since what happened happened,i lost it all and i'm now back to ground zero.i'm afraid that no matter how much i fight,there will always be someone or something that will take away from me what i have achieved :sad :sad :sad

toni
07-03-2005, 03:14 PM
I'm so sorry for what those men did to you. I really think rape is the worst crime.
I loved your poem. I felt so much hope reading it, of a different world, a better world. I think that you can make it there. I think that you have a lot more work to do, but you can break free again.

Sessily
07-04-2005, 04:41 AM
i think the problem now is that i dont have a wish to break free,i just love starving myself no matter how terribly it sounds... :sad :sad :sad :sad :sad

Old Geezer
07-05-2005, 08:28 AM
Sessily-

It isn't terrible to feel like you just want to continue in the illness. But I don't think that is truly how you feel. Sometimes it's hard to see any other option. But the options are there. Don't let those horrible men win - don't let them destroy your life and your happiness. I'm sure you're tired of fighting but you've tasted recovery and you can still have it - if you don't stop fighting.

I hope you have a T that you are working on trauma with. I don't know a thing about it and won't attempt to pretend to understand. I only know that what those people did to you was horrible and they had no right to take a piece of you away. But you have to continue to fight hard to take it back again. You can do it and you can have recovery again.

:gimmehug :gimmehug

Geezer

ezduzit
08-23-2005, 04:18 PM
Recovery is a process. I will NEVER be recovered. The blessing in the journey not the destination. It has nothing to do with what happens, cause shit does happen ....it all has to do with the choices we make. I have made bad decisions!!!! I have gone back for more pain!!! But hurting myself cause others have brought pain to me does not change the facts. Today, this moment you have a brand new choice in a brand new day.... Whatcha gonna do?

Crimson Tears
08-31-2005, 03:17 PM
Some of us are willing to fight our way back to normality. Some of us just don't have the strength. Being dragged brutally through Hell and back can take its toll, you know. It's all up you, hon. You get to decide what you'll do with yourself, bad or good.