Taggsy
06-13-2005, 07:58 PM
hello everyone :cheshire
i havent posted for a little while.. i thought i was getting miracously better... but now i know thats not the case.
if u remember, a little while ago, i told u i had reached out to a friend.. i told him what i was going thru and how eating made me feel, and at first he was really understanding and supportive... i thought i was going to get better without seeing a doc, a T or anyone qualified to deal with issues like this...
.. i was wrong ..
i thought he was being supportive because he wouldnt make me eat. when he was having lunch or whatever, he didnt try to get me to eat something small, or just have a bite, but he encouraged me to not eat, if thats what made me happy. i thought "great!" :yay someone who understands why i do this to myself and they're not going to make me eat... i went days without eating, my binging and restricting episodes were no longer, becasue i had the support to NOT eat at all.. i thought that this way i would lose the weight i wanted, and become beautiful and skinny like i have always dreamed.. but what im only just realising is that it was actually giving my ED the strength to control me.. i wasn't fighting it, i was supporting it. the voices in my head were no longer screaming and yelling at me becasue i was in their control.. they didnt have to taunt me cz i did exactly what they wanted me to...
now ive realised this... ive just binged... constantly, for the past week... just ate all i could as a retort to my ED, and i know the majority of you all know how im NOW feeling... after rapidly loosing weight because i was starving myself... to now having binged an entire week to try gain control again.. when i havent gained anything... just got myself lost again in this spiral of voices, and eating/purging etc etc
i dont know how to get back on top of things.. not that i was really on top of things before, but for a while there, i actually had the courage to smile.
anyway, just posting an update, and if anyone has any suggestions for a way to find new hope?
thinking of you all ... hope ur taking care
love Sammy xxx
i havent posted for a little while.. i thought i was getting miracously better... but now i know thats not the case.
if u remember, a little while ago, i told u i had reached out to a friend.. i told him what i was going thru and how eating made me feel, and at first he was really understanding and supportive... i thought i was going to get better without seeing a doc, a T or anyone qualified to deal with issues like this...
.. i was wrong ..
i thought he was being supportive because he wouldnt make me eat. when he was having lunch or whatever, he didnt try to get me to eat something small, or just have a bite, but he encouraged me to not eat, if thats what made me happy. i thought "great!" :yay someone who understands why i do this to myself and they're not going to make me eat... i went days without eating, my binging and restricting episodes were no longer, becasue i had the support to NOT eat at all.. i thought that this way i would lose the weight i wanted, and become beautiful and skinny like i have always dreamed.. but what im only just realising is that it was actually giving my ED the strength to control me.. i wasn't fighting it, i was supporting it. the voices in my head were no longer screaming and yelling at me becasue i was in their control.. they didnt have to taunt me cz i did exactly what they wanted me to...
now ive realised this... ive just binged... constantly, for the past week... just ate all i could as a retort to my ED, and i know the majority of you all know how im NOW feeling... after rapidly loosing weight because i was starving myself... to now having binged an entire week to try gain control again.. when i havent gained anything... just got myself lost again in this spiral of voices, and eating/purging etc etc
i dont know how to get back on top of things.. not that i was really on top of things before, but for a while there, i actually had the courage to smile.
anyway, just posting an update, and if anyone has any suggestions for a way to find new hope?
thinking of you all ... hope ur taking care
love Sammy xxx