I hate the obsession. HELP!!!!!

[obsessed]

Well, this is really hard for me. This is my first thread. This is the first day I have researched anything on eating disorders because it is easier for me to stay in denial. I really thought I had recovered from this thing. I was anorexic for about **** years in high school. I have been "well" for years. I don't know what is wrong. I don't really feel depressed. But I find myself getting more and more obsessed with my body and the food I eat...or don't eat. I just got married. My husband is wonderful, but I just don't feel like this is something to talk to him about. I am looking for anyone with an ear...and a few suggestions. I can't control my binging anymore. For the first time in my life I made myself throw up. I shouldn't be doing these things, I know better. It comes with the trerritory of being an addictions counselor. I feel lost and confused. I don't know what I feel. I just know that I am not happy with myself. I hate this obsession. Is there anyone out there like me????? I know there has to be. I am tired of thinking about food and calories and exercise, and eating until I feel miserable when I can't uphold the food and exercise standards I have for myself. Sometimes I think if I just eat enough, I'll explode, which I am pretty sure can't happen. But then I feel guilty and angry when I allow myself to eat so much at one time...or in one day. I always tell myself that tomorrow is another day to begin anew and to do the right things to make myself healthy and happy. I don't want to be sick like in the past. Weird...I have gone from one extreme to another. My heart aches. But I have faith and hope... I always have faith!!!!

[jelliebean]

Wow. I think i was in the exact same shoes you were three years ago. Thought i was recovered. Got married, behaviors started coming back, i started lots of new behaviors, became more and more obsessed with my body, and pulled further away from my new husband.


It's great that you're hopeful. A positive attitude can really carry you through the rough times in recovery. Just keep your head up, take it a day at a time, or a meal at a time, or a goal at a time. You'll get through this.

I know its hard, but try to reach out to your husband. This effects him to, and he deserves to know, and you deserve to have his support.

Very few people can conquer an ED on their own so reach out, get support, but never stop trying, you can beat this!

[obsessed]

Thanks for the encouragement. It is even hard for me to admit that my old behaviors are remanifesting before my eyes. I want to stop them. I think I am trying, but I just can't seem to stop. I am getting ready to leave work and my thoughts are already of "after what I ate for lunch today, I shouldn't eat dinner...well maybe just a salad because it is heatlhy and low in calories" I also know that if I can't stick to this that I can eat a ton of chips and other snacks at the house without my husband catching me. My thought is if you are going to mess up you might as well mess up big!!!! Do you think that it has something to do with the life change???? I am also getting ready to change my career and go back to school. I think it started out with my ******** day diet before my wedding. I did really well, ate very healthy, lost a few pounds. But then came the honeymoon with lots of great food, and a month of being sick where I only craved and ate carbs. Of course the weight gain came. And slowly but surely my obsession. I know this is affecting my husband, because my distorted body image does have an effect on our sex life. It is so weird that I know my htinking is illogical, but I can't find a way to make it logical. I hope that by talking to others I can begin to make sense of all this again. But how do you make sense of the senseless? I just keep praying for answers and trying to keep my life in check as much as possible. How do you do it? Does anyone have any secrets or miracle causing advice??????

[libbylibbylibby]

I can give you a secret.... there's no miracle causing advice.
Talk to your husband, talk to someone in real time. Start putting together a list of coping behaviors that you can post on your fridge so that when the urge to binge strikes, you can say, I will do *this* instead.
You know already, recovery is a long path with a lot of stumbles along the way. but you have done it before -- you can do it again -- you can take care of YOU, because YOU deserve to be taken care of.
:hugon obsessed :hugoff