Going to the mikveh & not feeling good enough for God

[rivka]

I've never posted in this particular forum before but well this seems like an appropriate topic. I've tried to explain/define things as best I can if I think they'll be unfamiliar.

At a recent rosh chodesh (start of the new Jewish - not calendar - month) group, we were talking about going to the mikveh (a ritual immersion, specifically that women go to at the end of their periods). Its not something alot of reform jewish women do but orthodox/hasidic women tend to be more observant with this mitzvah (commandment),

Anyways, we're going as a group to immerse ourselves in the mikveh (individually of course) to experience it, to spiritually cleanse ourselves.

The thing is I don't think I should go (I know its the ED talking) but I don't feel like I'm good enough for God, that I'm not deserving of God's love or the peace that I feel at Shabbat services, or the connection I feel when I'm doing things with the groups at the synagogue.

I mean, I know all this is the part of me with the ED talking, the part who thinks I am totally worth it. And rationally none of it is REALLY true. I just don't think I deserve to go. And I don't want to go but I told people I'd be there & if I don't go I'll disappoint myself.

But I can't help but believe God is disappointed in me.

*sigh*

Any advice, words of wisdom would be welcome.

thanks,
rivka

[bumblebee]

Shalom Rivka,

That's the wonderful thing about Judaism - you can start over and over every week, and every month :yay

I read once about somebody famous (can't remember who) calling himself "A Jew in Progress". But regardless of religion, I think that is true for all of us....

You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions. You can do a Mitzvah a day. You can observe Shabbat. You can keep kosher.

I think that by going to the Mikveh you are showing a commitment, a willingness to try and purify, to make a new start. Surely that is something G-d would want for you, if that is what you want?

:challenge If I said to you I didn't feel good enough and worth enough to go to the Mikveh, would you tell me I was right? Or would you tell me that G-d loves me no matter what? :challenge

If it's something YOU want to do then that's great.

I don't think anyone should have to "deserve" love and peace and the connection you feel at Shul....

If you decide to go, let us know how it goes! :grin

Much love :love
:beefishy Debbie

[mollyo]

i agree.

also, i think that if you do manage to go, that would show a respect for yourself and a faith in uyourself, that you have the awareness to accept that while everyone has faults and issues, you care enough to try to do something nice for yourself and your spirituality. I imagine g-d would like those things.

good luck!

[rivka]

Debbie -

Thank you for your challenge! Because of course I would tell someone else the God loves them no matter what. And really what makes me so different that I should hold myself to a different standard? Interesting sidenote, Devorah :beefishy is my Hebrew name. :supergrin

Mollyo -

Thanks! I think God would like those things too.

Ok. I'm going to go, its going to be ok.

*eep*
Thanks!
Rivka

[bumblebee]

Good luck! :clover
Above all, enjoy.
:beefishy Debbie

[fraydz]

Rivka, i hope you went. i read your post and i regretted that i hadn't seen it before. i just want to reinforce what bumblebee said with something my T told me just today, about a half hour ago.

My family is orthodox and my whole life i've kept the shabbat, kosher, and all that. Within the past year or so i've fallen tremendously in these areas. i stopped keeping shabbat, kosher, tznius (modesty), and pretty much all of the mitzvot. i just didn't care about anything anymore and so why should i care about this? well, the guilt built and built and i felt so terrible more that i didn't care, than anything else. of course my parents didn't know all this, i kept it well hidden cuz i didn't want to hurt them. a couple weeks ago i decided i would keep the shabbat again, and i shared this with my T. it started out fine, but then i succumbed to the 'need' to check my mail. i did and then i got all down on myself how i'm this huge failure and i will never be able to amount to anything, cuz i can't even accomplish this small goal that i set for myself. the rest of the day i spent going out of my way to break the shabbat, because i was sooo angry. i messed it up already so why keep trying? well, i told this to my T and he explained to me that this is exactly not what Judaism is all about. It's about the idea that your connection with G-d can never go bad. He's always there, waiting, and watching to see if you will do the right thing this time, nomatter if you've done only wrong in your past. He said that even if i've descecrated the shabbat for the whole day and then in the last hour i decide to keep it, that's counted. it's not all or nothing. it's not only black and white. He told me a story that i thought was pretty cool. There was once an innkeeper. and a rabbi came into his inn and they started talking. when the rabbi found out that the man was jewish, he asked him to join him for a meal. the man was about to eat the bread and the rabbi said to him, "aren't you going to wash your hands?" the man responded, "now why would i do that? my whole life i've done nothing that G-d has said, why now would i wash before eating this bread?" the rabbi then told him that it doesn't matter about waht he's done in the past, right now G-d is watching, hoping that he'll do the right thing in this particular situation. that's how it is in other areas as well. every moment we have a chance to start over if we've messed up. every moment is a new moment and we have to see it for what it is; a new beginning. of course the end of the story is that the man became more religious, because the idea that he's sinned so much and G-d won't forgive him didn't exist in his mind anymore and he was able to continue in the good path even after he messed up. this idea is what helped me keep the shabbat this past week, and if you keep it in mind, it may help you ease those feelings of guilt when you go to the mikvah. just think of it as you're cleansing yourself, so you will be completely clean for a brand new beginning.

good luck, and tell us how it goes.

[shalhevet]

Somehow I missed this post, I'm not quite sure how that happened!...

The other fishies have given some great advice; if you're doing something for G-d, shouldn't that in itself be a reason for Him to love and accept you? (Of course, that would happen anyway... :groovy )

I'm not married -- I've never been -- and so consequently I've never gone to the mikveh. But the thought of it does give me the jitters -- I don't know if it's the ED talking or not, but for me it's irrelevant because I know that when I have to do it, I will, no matter how terrified I am.

Debbie -- might it have been Rava?

Frayda -- that's a great story, I'm surprised I've never heard it before!! :muhaha

rivka -- let us know how it went ... I'm sure everything was fine. :happy

[rivka]

Hey all -

I went. And I was really really glad I went. I feel so connected to myself when I'm doing "jewish" things - going to shabbat services, lighting candles, etc. It just makes me feel grounded with myself & with the world & with Gd. I have to say there was something amusing about a herd of women trekking to the mikveh. But I was glad I went. So, thanks!!

Fradyz - I love what you said about G-d always being there, watching and waiting, and how the connection can never go bad. Last weekend was hard for me for totally unrelated reasons & I just felt so bad. And then on the way to mikveh, there, and after I felt again at rest, at peace: the connection didn't go bad, I was just doubting myself and my value. Anyways, I reallly really like what you said.

Shalhevet- it might be the ED giving you the jitters. Because when I stop and think about it, there shouldn't be anything inherently scary about going to mikveh. But I was scared because its making yourself vulnerable physically & spiritually, you know?

Thanks all!
Rivka

[mytots]

Just an aside: Why do so many of you say "G-d" instead of God?? I'm quite sure God wouldn't be ashamed to say our names, so don't have to worry about offending Him(or anyone else for that matter).

Rivka))) I am so glad you went! You are so worthy of God's presence. I am glad you enjoyed the experience and that it brought you peace. :happy

[Batyaboo]

Hi. I'm real new here and just noticed this thread. Very interesting.
I have always been observant. I've been married for ******** years to a chasid ( I was a bit more "modern" before) and, of course, I go to mikve every month. I find it a terrific experience each time. First of all, I have a few hours away from kids! I get to go the immaculate mikve and just take care of ME for a while. I luxuriate in the bath and just veg out. the actual dunking in the mikva is a very spiritual moment for me and I try to take advantage of it to pray for sick friends and for myself. This is the woman's big mitzva (along with separating challa and lighting candles Friday night). It's a biggie. And I find it a real privilege. It's pretty exhilerating afterwards. I just feel **new** (for lack of a better word. I don't think anyone is unworthy of any mitzva, from the biggest to the smallest. The mitzvot are gifts from God to us and they are there to enhance our lives. Do one whenever you get the chance! You won't regret it.

[rivka]

Batyaboo & mytots -

Wow! I hadn't noticed anyone had replied to this post. I just hadn't been looking at this forum. Sorry!!

Mytots - There's an idea or a custom, especailly amongst orthodox or conservative Jews, to not write out the word God but rather to use G-d because what if you write the word "God" and someone comes along and defaces the word? Then God's name has been defaced. Does that answer your question?

Batya - I was so glad I went! I mean, I don't think its something I'll do regularly but you're right: it was so cleansing & felt like I was doing something really good for myself. And I was so glad I went!! Its kind of hard for me to remember that God doesn't expect me to be perfect, you know??

Thanks & take care!!
Rivka

[Mel.]

Hello rivka

perhaps i have no right to post on this thread b/c i'm not jewish (I'm Christian). But we share a Bible. I've been taking Old Testament/Hebrew Bible theology this past week and have been learning anew that in fact none of us are worthy of God's love. We simply don't deserve it. BUT (don't jump on me yet) it is because of God's eternal grace and mercy that we can experience God's love. What you have or haven't done doesn't matter -- when you come to God in faith you recieve His love because of HIM not because of you. If we rest in His love -- which is so much bigger than anything we can ever comprehend -- then to be able to enter it, to participate in the Shabbat/Sabbath and the other moments when we draw close to God (sorry i'm not familiar with most of Jewish custom) become so much more humbling and assuring.

God bless

mel

[rivka]

Hi Mel -

I find it really interesting that this kind of old post of mine has been resurrected! Its interesting you commented that you weren't sure you should post to this thread because that's EXACTLY how I felt when I first posted it in a forum on spirituality!

Anyways...

I guess Jews (or at least me!) have a kind of different view of God's love. Or maybe its my understanding of it, which, is kind of what it all boils down to: how everyone or every group gains meaning from the Torah & other sacred texts & traditions. I believe God loves everyone, no matter what. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that God doesn't expect us to be perfect: that the key is trying to do things, mitzvot(commandments, like keeping Shabbat, etc), to bring us closer to God and what we are meant to be. To work to improve the world around us. And if we fail or err, its ok because God doesn't expect perfection, just that we try to do what is right and what is just.

The perfectionist in me has such a hard time remembering that no matter what its ok, that I am acceptable in the eyes of God. But at the same time its really liberating to remember - or try to - that I don't need to be perfect. Which is how going to the mikveh felt: freeing, liberating, closer to God.

Good luck with your theology class!! Are you really taking summer school? WOW!!!!!

Take care!

Rivka

[Chaya]

I know this is an old post, but to resurrect it again....I LOVE going to the mikvah. For some reason, many times before I would go, i always and I think I still do (just don't go too often these days, pregnancy, nursing, pregnancy, etc.), get very nervous. It was not ED related, don't know why. Anyway, it is truly a cleansing and nice experience...as previosu posters said time for ourselves (I remember once I brought my cell phone and dh called to say hi....I felt like he was intruding on something, even though I usually love it when he just calls!), time to focus inward so that we can become closer to G-d, our husbands, and inevitably G-d again.

I just thought of something interesting. G-d truly knows women--oh, yes, He did create us. But, in order to be able to give properly to someone else, you need to give to yourself first. Before "giving" of yourself to your husband (as women generally go after approx. a **** week abstention from being with husband), you give to yourself. You clean yourself, take a nice long relaxing bath, and then the ultimate---to dip in the spiritual waters. The day one goes to the mikvah is a time to focus on yourself, as well as to pray to G-d. They say your prayers have special meaning to G-d on the day that you go to the mikvah. It is a day to pray for you, your family, etc...and while in the waters it is an even more special time to pray again.

I am so glad that you chose to go. I would recommend since you so enjoyed going to make it a monthly affair. I think it is such a beautiful and meaningful commandment. Sorry, if I went off on a tangent a little bit

I forgot that i also wanted to say that you should realize that just the fact that G-d created YOU in His Image, as He did everybody, makes you special and unique. In addition, Juduaism does not say perfection is the goal. But, rather the process. We are "bnei Yaakov", sons of Jacob. The root of his name comes from the word "heel" (eikev). I can't remember for some odd reason how this all fits together. But, something how he is a work in progress. Somebody help me out on this, lol!

There is a famous saying in Juduaism "a tzaddik (righteous person) falls seven times, but he gets up seven times!" Being a good person does not mean not making lots of mistakes, but it is about growing and becoming a better person. Our aim is not perfection, only progression. good luck!