i cant stand myself

[sadandlonely]

I know it sounds like a cliche but i really do hate myself. I'm so fat and worthless, my thighs have expanded and celuulite is all over them. I'm surrounded by skinny ppl and it just makes me feel bad. I feel so lonely, this ed (c&s and bulimia) has completely taken my life over the last **** yrs - I'm only ******** - I suffered from anorexia wen I was ******** and I'm constantly trying to get back to that but now I think I feel so bad about myself that I might be properly going back. I wont ever feel good about myself until I lose loads if weight. Otherwise I'm just a lonely, shy fat girl. I weigh ************ lbs, which doesnt sound a lot but im only **** ft **** and my sister is **** ft **** and weighs ******** lbs - she makes me feel like an elephant. Everyone is always saying how great she looks - and she knows it. I really need a friend who will support me and email me, please help me - i feel so alone.

[White Fairy]

I wont ever feel good about myself until I lose loads if weight.

Honey feeling bad about yourself - does it really have something to do with your weight - or are you just focusing all of your attention on your weight????? Why do you think that when you lose weight that you will feel better????? :challenge I can't stand myself - that is a very strong statement to make - why????

What is really going on here - why are you so unhappy???? :ear

Love Siobhan xxxxxxxxxx :gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug

[FlyGurl]

I'd have to agree with White Fairy here.

What is going on in your life right now that is making you feel this way?

Is it something from your past that just got brought up again?

Or is it something that is happening right now that your stressed about?

I know how hard it is to stop focusing on the weight issue for even a moment and figure out what is REALLY bothering me when my ED gets the best of me.


We would love to support you and give you advice so please feel free to share what is on your heart and mind to us. :touched

[semiramis]

:hugon sadandlonely :hugoff

Please, don't be so hard on yourself! I know it sounds unbelievable, but even if you lose weight, your life won't change, and you won't change.
I can relate to how you feel about your sister. My sister is younger, she's taller than me, she's very sporty and thin, and beautiful, and sometimes I think she inherited all the good things from my parents (eg. long legs), and I'm the opposite.
But I know that she doesn't see it like that, she too has her insecurities, and I know she sometimes still looks up to me as her older sister(although I'm only sixteen months older than her), and she sometimes would like to have the courage and self-confidence she thinks I have. Don't you think that there too are things that your sister envies you for?
Can you try to find some good things about yourself? I am sure there are plenty of reasons why you should love yourself!

:gimmehug

[FlyGurl]

I think I need to agree with semiramis on this one cause I have three other sisters, one older and two younger. We are ALL different shapes, sizes, weights, we are NOT alike at all. Blood related, but all look like we are cousins or something. :supergrin

I used to compair myself with my sister right below me she's eighteen months younger than me and very very beautiful, we all call her our super model sister...she's amazing, but you know what....she struggles just as much as the rest of us...yeah maybe she doesn't have an ED but she is a female and has her ups and downs.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is...NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IS PERFECT!!! We all have our flaws on the outside and the inside. Its not like I take this to heart everyday but I know that when I talk with her about how terrible my ED is kicking my butt she's very understanding and gives me the push to keep fighting...(wish she lived closer :sad )

Have you ever seen Shallow Hall? I love that movie because it made me look around at the world and see REAL beauty, it's not just in looks but in who we are as a person and what is inside of us....no matter what size, weight we are we can all be amazing super models!!!

We just have to believe it...and this is what I struggle with all the time... :ohboy

[White Fairy]

:hugon Sadandlonely :hugoff

Are you ok love, just noticed that you haven't come back to your thread yet - are you feeling any better about you today??????

Love Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug

[sadandlonely]

thank u for all ur replies, ur reli nice ppl and i wish i knew u in my everyday life. To be honest, i have no idea why i feel this way, maybe its cos we moved around a heck of a lot wen i was a kid, or because i got bullied a bit at school, ive never had a boyfriend cos im reli shy - i just dont know. I think my low opinion of myself is enforced by the fact that my sister likes to show off her body to evry**** cos she knows she looks gr****. evry**** takes notice of her and she thinks shes better then them all. shes not anorexic cos she only lost it thru glandular fever but my real issue comes from comparing myself to ppl at college and models, etc, which i reli shudnt do but i just cant stop myself. Plus i cant seem to diet cos my loneliness causes me to c & s, which sometimes leads to purging. Its a horrible cycle. Is ne**** else like this?

[squishe]

I can relate to so many of your feelings, and I am so sorry that you feel this way. Just the other day my therapist asked, do you really hate yourself that much, and its sad but i do. I know how horrible it is to really hate yourself. One thing you should think about, you said you were anorexic in the past, even when you were at your lowest weight were you happy, problems solved? For me my lowest weight was also one of the worst times of my life. For some reason I still desperatly want to be back there, but a small part of me knows that losing weight won't change the real issues I need to deal with. I hope you can find some happiness, keep coming and posting because it can really help. If you ever need anything feel free to aim me thepro******** the ** is zero eight. I really do wish the best for you!

[MemorableBabyDolly]

honey, being thin will not change your life at all. I was chubby and thought being thin would change my life. that i would gain membership into the beautiful people's world. but when i began purging i felt beautiful because bulimia was glamourous at first. because before i was "fat and ugly."
but after you throw up blood, your teeth hurt, your skin looks jundiced, and you feel like night of the living dead ALL THE TIME you say, "As far as fat and ugly, I'm not fat. But at the ugly part I've got that down pat. I look like shit." And I ask myself if being fat would be that bad. If life was ever that bad when I was fat. Was I truly and really that miserable. Losing weight will not change your life. Learning to love yourself for who you are, no matter how much you weigh or what size jeans you wear, now that will be a life changer.

[ScrambledEgg]

I feel a bit like you: I don't like myself but maybe it's less to do with weight. I would LIKE to be slimmer but also have more muscle and better overall health. I have a VERY athletic sister who is a bit shorter than me and heaps thinner but I KNOW she's over the top. That and a recent heart conditon has reduced my exercise abilities so I feel like a slug now.
People at school always used to say I was ugly and many gave me hell for years, leading to depression. I still hate looking at myself in the mirror. So whilst I know I"ll never be beautiful or pretty I'm at least working on being an attractive person inside. It's working so far because I've recently found a loving, caring BF who's been my best friend.

[sadandlonely]

This is the first time ive eva felt like anyone cared - ur all reli special ppl and everytime i come on here im overcome by the sadness u all experience. At least i know im not the only ****. The thing is - part of me reli doesnt want to recover becos i cant accept myself as being thin - i always feel so good about myself and happy wen im thinnest. its just the dizziness and inability to concentrate that i hate. im still a normal weight but its hard to want to give up becos my ed has always bin the way that i cope with my low self-esteem. it all stems back to shyness and the fact that ppl generally seem to think less of u if ur shy.

[White Fairy]

my ed has always bin the way that i cope with my low self-esteem. it all stems back to shyness and the fact that ppl generally seem to think less of u if ur shy.

:hugon Sadandlonely :hugoff

The thing with an eating disorder love is that it tears away at your self-esteem until you have none left. It may make you feel a little better at the beginning - but from my experience the voice in your head never lets up and wants you to lose more and more and you eventually end up hating yourself - honey an eating disorder is not a solution to low self-esteem. The way to solve that is to change what is on the inside - not the outside. If people do think less of you because you are shy - then they are not worth your time hon - I don't think any less of you..... I am feel shy sometimes too.....

Tons of love

Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug

[MemorableBabyDolly]

Sweetness,
Don't hate yourself. It will only make life more difficult. And I can totally relate about my sister. my sister was always skinnier than me and i was the family bulimic. and she always bitched when i was vomiting. i figured, what do you care, you're skinny. and the fact that you think you look like an elephant dosn't mean that you do. hell, at my thinnest i thought i looked like fat francine. y'know what i mean. anyway, you have to love youself because you are all you have easier said than done. an issue i am too working on. but we are all in this together.
what i started doing was listing positive things about me, stashing them away, and taking them out for when i felt down to realize there are good things about me. that's helped me a lot. and last year at this time i was contimplating taking my own life.....

[ScrambledEgg]

I've thought of taking my own life due to depression, but I was too chicken to do it. Something is stopping me, so I'm hoping that's an inicator of something good to come. if that's true, that has to be there for everyone, right? I'm not special compared to others, so even though bad times have fallen now, they must give way at some stage (soon please!) and develop into a greater good. I'm not particularly religious, just thoughtful.

[sadandlonely]

I know wotu mean with the whole depression and suicide thing, all u want is someone to show they care and love u - instead they go on about their own probs and dont even realise that u hav a major ****.

Tonight i feel reli lonely and sad that this ed has controlled my life for so long. I feel like ive just bin watchin the rest of the world for my whole life, an observer because im so quiet and shy. i dont feel close to ne**** and the **** best friend i eva had left me for a load of other friends and doesnt reli want to know me anymore. I dont feel like i can eva be happy again becos ive forgotten how. i just needed to tel sum**** cos theres no **** else i can tell. :sad

[ScrambledEgg]

Well, at least here I can always talk about things because it seems no one's ready to get narky :grin I know I need to get out more and do things with friends. Sadandlonely do you have others to spend time with? I reckon if I concentrate on having such a good time hopefully these bad feelings will deminish. I can't do someting everynight, but at least remembering good things from the day, or planning the next day, could be enough. What do you reckon?

[MemorableBabyDolly]

scrambled eggs,
I am making nice progress in recovery and finding out wonderful things about myself. everything happens to us for a reason. find the pot of gold at the end of your ed. i know it sounds bizarre to say but there is one. i'm finding mine. i am ambitous, smart, creative, and driven. unfortunately, i have found a perverse way to respect those talents. but i have written a lot of poetry to deal and bulimia finds it's way into my standup comedy. and because i have cried a shit load i am a funnier comic as a result

[sadandlonely]

I know wot u both mean - i thinl the key mite be to try n find stuff to distratc urself from ur ed cos i think mine had happened through me thinkin too much about my life. Scrambled eggs, i defo think socialisin is a way to do this - tonite i thought that bein less shy and more friendly with ppl mite help. wot does evry**** think?

[ScrambledEgg]

Exams are approaching fast, not to mention my assignments due VERY soon that I'm struggling with. i don't have lots of time for things to do socially, and I feel like a :gromit for 'hiding' so much. Tonight for instance my Dad;s partner is showing me how to make some pizza or something, but it's also a nice dinner. I said yes initialy but now I odn't want to because I'm scared I won't have enough time for work. They're about to go away and have at least **** dinner evenings planned. I work all day, but I can't seem to find enough time for study. I can't be social at the moment. I also am rather shy and like alone time anyway.

[sadandlonely]

me ****. im at work a lot at the moment and hav exams ****. the problem is wen im at home havin 'me' time i end up chewin and spittin food and sometimes purgin - i hate it but at the same time i cant stop