Is this creepy or is it me?

[Old Geezer]

I'm going to try and present this as impartially as possible.

I have this creeeeepy neighbor who drives me NUTS and is a bit psycho.
OK, maybe that's not so impartial. Here goes.

When I moved into my house about six years ago this guy across the street brought me a basket of fruit and nuts and said he was from the "Neighborhood Welcoming" committee. I thought, wow, what a nice neighborhood. So then this guy starts offering me help with stuff and offering me to pick stuff up at the store for me and things. I'm thinking - he's pretty nice, a bit weird but nice. So I even invited him in one day when I was painting and he sat and we talked. He was easy to talk to. So I tried to picture me dating him but he's one of those guys that just the thought of kissing him grosses me out. So I was just being a friend.

Well, as things went on I was looking for a church and he said he'd like to find one too so we went to different churches together just trying them out about three Sundays in a row. Then I decided to go by myself one Sunday and he sent me a letter stating how I had hurt him so deeply because he was dressed and waiting to go. He just expected me to call since I had the three past Sundays. He told me how unkind I was for not taking him.

This pissed me off and I quit calling him or anything. Then somehow or another we patched it up and started walking together with my dog and little things again. Long story short, he gave me a note one day about how beautiful my thighs were and buttocks and how he thought I was wonderful. All this and we had never even held hands, hugged or ANYTHING or even been out on what I would call a date. (Also keep in mind I was in the worst of my AN at the time and knocking at death's door so my thighs and butt were nearly non existant). So I told him I liked him as a friend but not more. He said that he understood and he still wanted to be friends. So I was still friendly.

Well, then my parents and the ED all happened and I went to the hospital and I told him about the ED. He made me really mad and insulted because he kept saying "I believed you when you said you weren't anorexic." Like I had any idea what was going on! Anyway, after the hospital he was nice and things were OK until something similar to the church episode happened. (I don't remember the whole thing.) Several incidents like this - I bought a new car and he asked for a ride in it. I said OK and we tried several times but it didn't work out and then he accused me of not keeping a promise. We just couldn't coordinate times and he was offended and accused me of thinking he smelled or would soil the seat! :muhaha

Anyway I just avoided him for a long time after that and just the past six months or so I have started talking to him again. He does things like clean or mow my lawn without asking and then I feel guilted into doing something for him or with him. He also knows everything I do like when I'm home, if I get a package, if I take my bike somewhere or go running or come home early or take my cats to the vet - you get the pic.

Sorry this is so long to get to the point. He invited me to go to the opera with him again and I (of course) said no - I gave an excuse. Today he e-mailed me and said "if the weekend is nice maybe we can clean up your dog's playpen (back yard) and Jaime (other neighbor) told me the guttering would be easy to fix. And then you could pay me back by helping me paint my house."

So I feel completely invaded by this remark. It's as though he just moves into my life and tries to force me into a corner. I don't want to do this and I don't want him working in my yard. I didn't want him to the first time - he just did it. Furthermore if he goes into my backyard without my permission and my dog takes a chunk out of him I'M NOT GOING TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE!! I doubt that Moose would do that but if I'm not home who knows!

But I'm also feeling bad because whenever I mention him to my parents they say "he's so nice to you." I've shown them the e-mails he would send that made me cry and shake and live in fear for weeks but they still think he's nice. I feel manipulated but I guess when I look back over my reactions I think I'm a bit of a selfish controlling bitch. Should I be appreciative of his doing things without my asking instead of feeling like my privacy is being invaded? By the way Jaime mowed my lawn a couple of times and I don't feel invaded by that - I had mowed his lawn once when I was mowing my own so he was returning a favour. No big deal. It's different with Glenn.

Sorry for going on. It just bugs me! :reallymad
Geezer

[Ronan]

It should bug you. If something or someone disturbes your inner radar - its probably for a damn good reason, and you know to listen to it. Thats why you wrote this post...you are quite bothered by it. You KNOW its different with this guy than with your other neighbor.

This guy is obsessed with you, or whatever you want to call it. You need to set clear cut boundaries, even if that means cutting off communication. If he is obsessed or in love with you on an immature level, than any act of kindness or reciprocation from you is bound to be misinterpreted by him.

He sends you emails that "make you cry and shake and live in fear for weeks?" Now you really have me concered! I would save all that stuff in case you ever need to take out a restraining order.

Good luck, let us know how it turns out!

[White Fairy]

He would scare me too hon - no should mean no and if you tell him that you don't want him to do something and he goes ahead and does it anyway - that shows that a)He is not listening to you b)He is not respecting your boundaries c) He is not respecting you coz he is not taking you seriously. I would avoid him big time. It is very creepy that he is watching your movements love...... be careful - if you look at any book about stalkers - and then think about your neighbour/friend - how similiar are they.....; I am not saying that he is stalking you hon - but his behaviour is very invasive and bordering on stalking.....

Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :cry

He would scare me :cry

[Old Geezer]

Thanks for replying but I really shouldn't have posted this. I'm just like him I guess and I suppose I should just be greatful that anyone can stand to be around me. Sorry I wasted so much time and space.
Geezer

[White Fairy]

OG :lubdub

What's wrong hon?????

Did I say anything to upset you love, if I did - I am so sorry - you sound really upset :sad

Siobhan xxxxxxxx

[Starrfun]

Oh he is creepy, very very creepy. Kinda the stalker type, don't ya think? I mean, he takes liberties, does favors to guilt you into accepting him into your life, and is easily offended.

I did not say the above to scare you, since you already are frightened by him. But even creeps have good personality characteristics. Unfortunately, when someone is so out of the realm of normal in their sense of boundaries the good qualities do not make for a friendship.

Perhaps he senses your vulnerability and so that is why he fixated on you. Do not feel bad about telling him to go. You would have to do this completely though. He does not seem to be the type to take a hint, if he cannot even understand the word no.

Yup, he is creepy.

[Aubiegirl]

:hugonGeezer:hugoff

You didn't waste any space, this is something important to talk about! I think that it's DEFINITELY bad sign that he can't take 'no' for an answer and refuses to pick up on the hints that you don't want to spend time with him. You owe him nothing, don't let him make you feel guilty for not wanting a relationship, even just a friendship. It sounds like he is nice....but in that creepy way, your post title nailed it.

It doesn't matter if your parents think he's Prince Charming, trust your instincts on this. My mom used to work at a domestic violence/sexual assault crisis center, and she says that the most horrible cases she dealt with were ones where the guy seemed so charming and sweet on the surface.

Don't minimize the issue, hon, I would be feeling very invaded and uncomfortable also. And no more bad self talk! We :love Geezer to little fishy pieces! :supergrin :gimmehug

[JulesBoolie]

:hugon Geezer :hugoff

I'm just like him I guess and I suppose I should just be greatful that anyone can stand to be around me.

Sweetie, this sounds like an ED voice to me...

I, too, say listen to your gut...

You have an inner voice for a reason; it's part of your survival instincts.

And pardon me for being so blunt, but all your folks seem to see is what THEY want to see. No offense to them, Geezer, but they're not the ones who've dealt with him...you HAVE.

Trust your gut.

And this is about your feelings. No need to apologize EVER for posting about your feelings.

Hugs and love to you :hugon Geezer :hugoff

Jules
:cool

[rafferty]

:hugon Geezer :hugoff

OMG Geezer... I think you and I could swap stories and have a real laugh :muhaha

I agree with Ronan and Aubie... if something doesn't feel right... if you feel you are being manipulated and backed into a corner... then it probably isn't OK.

I find what you've written here just a little creepy and it sends my inner psycho antannae quivering... and I've had much personal experience... which I won't bore you with here.

You certainly should have posted this... and I don't think it's about you not wanting people around. It's not reading like that at all.

My worst experience with someone began in a very similar way... he genuinely liked me and was a 'nice' guy... but it ended disaster... for me and ultimately for him.

What you are feeling is real...

:love
:stars rafferty :stars

[CarolBee]

Hey there, I am a single female about your age and I own my own home. If I had a neighbor do this to me I would be totally freaked out! Being a nice, helpful, sociable neighbor is one thing. He has obviously crossed that line.
I can only validate your feelings I just wish I had some advice for you! Ignore your parents though, they are not in your shoes right now.
And good for you for venting here and seeking validation!!!!!!!!!
take care of you!

Carol

[Old Geezer]

Sorry White Fairy. You didn't say anything to upset me. Something else happened - unrelated I guess. Sorry I made you feel bad. :cry I'm good at that!

Thanks for all the replies. It does make me feel better that you all think its kinda scary.

I just feel like I'm being mean when that's probably all the better I could do. I'm thirty-seven and men don't even want to be my friend. :sad

I should just be glad that someone even looks my way.

Geezer

[Ronan]

Not when a psycho looks your way sweetie!

[litespeed]

i agree with the other replies. in fact, i had a similar experience which ended with a restraining order and the guy getting kicked out of the apartment complex. i too thought it was "just me" thinking he was creepy, but should've went with my initial instincts...

[SSTEVENS]

:hugon :love Sally :love :hugoff


So I feel completely invaded by this remark.

Trust your instincts. You know what, I think I would feel the same- totally weirded
out. Hello! No means no. You said he wrote you a letter- maybe that would be an easier
way to set a boundary with him? "I feel uncomfortable when...." You know, a woman
has a right to set a boundary with a man.. and in this day and age, you have to be careful
and this situation sounds very creepy. And he sounds WAY too manipulating. Scary.

I'm thirty-seven and men don't even want to be my friend.
It sounds like Jaime is a friend, right? And besides- do you want a friend who
manipulates you and is creepy? I feel like I've been friends with a lot of people
because they've initiated it and I'm finally realizing that I need to actively choose friends.
Guess what---- you deserve to be picky. And once again, trust your instincts.
:gimmehug

[White Fairy]

:hugon OG :hugoff

Honey - do you really want this guy to be looking in your direction?? You posted for a reason love - there must be a part of you that is scared or uncomfortable by his behaviour. You can do better than that, some day when you have grown to love and like you, the right person will come along - but honey you should never settle for second best - you are worth so much more than that.

I am happy that I didn't upset you - I thought that I had. You deserve to be with a guy that respects you and your opinions and your boundaries e.t.c. and it doesn't sound like he does....

Loads of love to you tonight, you don't sound great honey......

Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Just thought that you could do with these - see below

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug

[MeganL]

Yeah, I have to say...this guy doesn't sound like a "nice, normal" kind of guy. If there are alarm bells in your head, go with it; it won't hurt anyone. You say guys don't want to be your friend, well why would you want to be friends with a creepy, mean guy like this? You are a great person. Trust your gut on this guy; you won't regret it. :gimmehug

[Old Geezer]

Sorry I got upset last night - it had nothing to do with this post.
After I got the e-mail from this guy on cleaning my backyard I sent him one back asking him to please leave it to me. This was part of his reply.

And that is the simple and honest purpose that I have with you. And, Sally,
if I make too much an effort in that simple purpose, well, may God bless me
because this world is filled with so many people that make little or no effort
at all. I work with so many people on campus that are only nice when they have
to be. (You may recall all of the problems I've had with co-workers this
last month.) I know that you aren't criticizing me or anything like that. And I
understand that you want to accomplish certain things on your own. I can
sure appreciate that. I am just saying all of this because, after a lot of
reflection, my conscience tells me that it is a good thing to be good to others.
I was telling my mom on the phone recently that I actually felt better while
clearing the storm debris from my neighbor's yard than when I was clearing my
own. That surprised me at first. It didn't surprise her. It truly felt more
purposeful and meaningful doing something for another and not just for myself.
I don't think I'm too far off the track. I may have mentioned to you that
I'm receiving the President's Distinguished Service Award at WSU for ****************. It
really is alright to make an effort for others....even a great effort.....even
if it is never appreciated, acknowledged or even necessary. It makes this a
better place for all of us. I just felt I had to say this to you because,
after reading your email, I nearly apologized for what I know in my conscience
is a good and right thing to do, to be helpful. So often, people don't
apologize for the bad things they do. And I nearly apologized for for doing a good
thing, and, for offering to do a good thing. As a supervisor at my job, I
can't tell you how frustrating it is for me when I have to nearly beg my
co-workers or student employees to not only do the right thing, but just to do their
job in the first place. I don't know why it is so hard for them.

This one doesn't leave me scared and it doesn't put me down exactly the way other ones have, but it still bothers me. To me it isn't the niceness that isn't appreciated it's how he tries to go about doing it. Just like inviting me to the opera and when I didn't respond right away he e-mailed and said that a ticket would be at the box office for me and he hoped to see me. I never said I would go (and didn't go). He doesn't ask me if he can help - he either does it without a word or he tells me he is going to help. I don't think he would ever do this with the other neighbors.

I guess I am mean. I just thought we could be friends but it seems we can't.

Geezer

[Old Geezer]

Sorry, at the risk of boring everyone to death here's the other side. Don't bother reading it I just need to post.

Last spring (about this time in fact) I got set up with this guy. He turned out to be a really sweet man who my T knew and some of the girls I run with knew and I REALLY liked him. We went out a few times and then once he grabbed my hand and held it. Then he would get really close and point out birds. Then he hugged me and eventually, yes, even dared to kiss me. Well, this is idiotic but that was my first kiss from a man. I was head over heels for him. We hung out together and hugged and kissed and I even went to a bike race over night with him and we shared a bed (no sex) and cuddled together. It was terrific and I was completely happy when I was with him. (some of that hormone stuff in there too) Anyway, shortly after the trip he told that we weren't really dating or anything. I told him I had feelings for him and I needed to know if there was anything for him and he said not more than a friendship. I said something about we will always only be friends and he said well you never know. Then a couple of weeks later he told me he was going to Oklahoma for a job there for about three months. And when he came to tell me he kissed and hugged me and it was as though we were still the same. So I was back on cloud nine. Then he left but ended up coming back for a long weekend and then going to Texas. One weekend he came back and didn't even tell me and took the girl who introduced us out to a party. She doesn't even care for him except as a friend. Anyway I was hurt and confused because he kept kissing and hugging me. I e-mailed him about it (oh, and I had stopped taking my antidepressants so you can imagine the e-mail). He told me that is just how he is. But I've never seen him act that way with other women he is friends with. Anyway we were still going to be friends but he never called me again except to get some things I still had of his. He moved to Seattle and came to town here one weekend and we went to eat with the other girl (Bev) but it was weird. He still kissed me but by that time I knew there was nothing. Anyway, Bev called me about biking and asked me if I got his e-mail that he sent to about thirty of his friends. He got a new cell phone number and home phone number and was giving it out. I didn't get it. So I'm no longer good enough to be a friend.

All that just to say that is why I feel like I acted like my neighbor. I kept hoping for something because I was too stupid to understand how relationships work. In fact I still don't understand. That to me was dating but he said it wasn't so I guess I have no clue what dating even is. No wonder I can't even get guys to look my way. So I guess I'm stuck with the only option in my life, my neighbor. No reason for me to be happy right? I'll just live my life in disgust instead.

Sorry for the rambling.

Geezer

[ootus]

:hugon Geezer :hugoff

Stalkers come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of respectibility. How many times to were hear a news story of someone who has r@ped ar murdered someone, and all their neighbors are in shock because he was such a "nice guy, so helpful and kind, always ready to lend a hand to others." I'm also a female living alone, and this guy would DEFINITELY freak me out. I've had nice, friendly, helpful neighbors before...and, I've had weirdos. This guy is just over the top, and he's trying really hard to push himself into the life of a woman who he seems to see as a weak, helpless target. (Just for the record, I don't think you are the weak, helpless kind). Even if he's just a pushy guy who won't take no for an answer, he's STILL not the kind of man you need in your life. He's not the loving, supportive type...he sounds more the type that likes his women sick, so he can take care of them and make all of their decisions for you.

I agree with the other :fishys here, tell him to get lost....NOW. This second part would be advice from my brother the cop, which he gave me about a weirdo I lived near. Take copies of all of the letters, notes, emails...even tape any answering machine messages you have...to the local police station. That way, they'll at least have a record of your problems with this guy...Which means, if they get a call from you saying "my neighbor's at the door, it's two am, and he won't leave" they'll take it pretty darn seriously because they'll know that there is an issue. He won't know you've done that unless you want the cops to talk to him....Oh, and they may be able to let you know if there have been any similar complaints about the same guy....

Please take care of yourself, Geezer....and, stop thinking of yourself as old, damnit. You're making me feel over the hill! :winky

I'm here if you need to talk....:ear

:love

Augusta

[DeepWaters]

:hugon Geezer :hugoff

About the "stalker" I'd say what the others have said...Listen to your gut.

And regarding this other guy....First of all: I'm sorry it didn't work out. But do not be discouraged because of this. I know how it feels...been there, done that. It can be hard to see all these couples around you and wonder: What's WRONG with ME???!!! Why can't I make a relationship work???

But I can assure you that there's nothing wrong with you.

YOU are a beautiful person and I'm sure that you will find friends/ companion eventually. Maybe your current loneliness is a blessing in disguise (you get to work on recovery and to discover Who You Really Are.)

I don't really know what to say...except that I :ear you.

I'm twenty-one and already feel like all my relationships have universally failed. And this, by extension, makes ME feel like a failure.

And of course then there's the ED/ depression/ whatnot that keeps me from having the kind of relationship with men as I'd like to have :ugh :whateva

I hope you're feeling better --and remember you are VERY :lubdubd here in the bowl!!!
(and you got plenty of fishy-friends :happy :gimmehug )

[White Fairy]

Geezer honey just because you may not know how relationships work right now - this does not mean that you won't be able to learn. Love relationships are something that we learn how to do - we are born with the ability to relate (eye-contact and all that) but depending on how we have been parented and early childhood experiences e.t.c. we do not always progress along the relationship road as fast as we might like - in fact we can find it quite intimidating. There is hope love, there is always hope - are you in therapy???? I'm just wondering coz that can be a safe environment in which to learn how to relate to others and once you feel safe there with that relationship - then you can move on to others.

In the past I used to be attracted to the wrong type of guys, they always had serious problems and kinda needed to be saved - if you know what I mean - they didn't really operate very well in the real world - I thought that I would never be with a normal (and I use that term very, very loosely -coz what is normal) mature man - and guess what I am now :hairy - finally after years of the wrong guys - I believe that you can do this honey - but there is one relationship that you really need to work on first - and that is the one with yourself when you are happy and accepting of you - then the right guy will come along.

Don't be so down on yourself honey - you are a good person - but you just have some things that you need to maybe work through at the mo - and as I said in time the right guy will come along. I believe in you Geezer - you can find peace and happiness.....

Loads and loads of love to you today

Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :lubdub

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug

[SSTEVENS]

:hugon Sally :hugoff

To me it isn't the niceness that isn't appreciated it's how he tries to go about doing it.
Exactly. You know, "being nice to others" isn't nice when you're manipulating them.
So let me get this straight-- in his value system, it's okay to force yourself on people
and manipulate people as long as you're doing something 'nice' for them. That doesn't
make any sense. You know what he lacks? R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You know what, if he
can't leave you alone, maybe a call to the police is in order. I just want to validate
your feelings of creepiness you get from him. It's NOT you- it's HIM. You are a lovely
person, I enjoy reading your posts so much! :gimmehug
I think we :fishy agree with you that he's a problem.
So I guess I'm stuck with the only option in my life, my neighbor.
Hell no! You know, I get the sense from reading your posts that you are a totally
capable woman. You are part of a running club, you have the courage to try new
churches on your own, you love :lubdub animals, and I think you're pretty great.
But YOU need to work on seeing yourself as great. Because otherwise you may settle
for guys who are not worthy of you.
Much :love to you. Keep us posted on how this goes, okay? :gimmehug

[Old Geezer]

Thanks for all the great replies. I'm glad to know that I'm not just being mean and selfish all the time. I'm not sure if I will reply to the e-mail he sent this time or not. I was gone all day yesterday so I haven't really thought about it much. I did mention this incident to my mother when I was with her and she still doesn't seem to understand why it bothers me so much to feel like my privacy is invaded. She thinks it's all a control issue - I don't want him to make my decisions. That's really not it at all. In fact it drives me nuts that he won't make a decision - he's the mushiest person I know. I hate when people won't stand up for their own opinions or make their own decisions. The issue is that he doesn't ASK before he does anything. He doesn't even consider that I might not apprecaite him watching me or being in my yard acting as if he owns my home and belongs in my life. It's a privacy issue.

Well, as for the never meeting anyone better, that is probably true at this point. However, I think I'd be better off alone then with a man that I can't stand. I know I have some self esteem issues to work on and I struggle big time socially. Yes, I do see a T but I really have gotten nowhere in both areas with her. Unfortunately she says I have to gain wt in order to make progress in these areas but these are the areas that led me to lose wt in the first place. It's the cycle that has kept me here for so long. I'm beginning to believe that it will never be any better. I guess that's why I need to learn to love myself - no one else will.

Geezer

[Starrfun]

She thinks it's all a control issue - I don't want him to make my decisions.
Geezer


Well uh, DUH!

What right does a neighbor have to make any decisions for you? Of course you don't want him to make decisions. You are not his child.

I only have a moment here, just want to say that your reservations about the guy are right on. He is scary.

I also want to say that your assessment about yourself is off. You can and will relate just fine with healthy people. However, as long as you doubt that, you will send off those little signals that keep people away. I did that myself. It has only recently changed. So it can change for you too. It just starts with how you see yourself and coming to a place where you believe that you deserve to be accepted, loved, and treated with respect as much as anyone else does.

[DeepWaters]

:hugon Geezer :hugoff

I need to learn to love myself - no one else will.

Learning to love yourself is good thing. Something that all of us should be striving for. It's a life-long process and it may very well be the purpose of life (you know, Know Thyself and all that :sly :cheesy )

:challenge But can you really love yourself if you believe that you are unlovable???
If you think that no one else will??

:challenge You need to do some serious :digdeep: Why do you have the false belief that you are unlovable?? What exactly makes you unlovable??

Look at yourself at a different perspective, if you were someone else looking you from the outside --what would you see?? An unlovable person?? Or perhaps a woman who's scared and hurt but indeed VERY lovable in her essence??

Lovable because she is she. A human being.

I don't believe there's a human being in this world who is completely unlovable...

unless they choose to make themselves so.

:hugon Geezer :hugoff weren't you the one who read the book about the subconscious mind??? And about how we basically create our own realities??? And how we feel about ourselves??

:challenge What kind of a reality are you creating for yourself if you believe that you are unlovable??

If you keep telling yourself that you are unlovable and that you don't have nor EVER WILL have any friends --sooner or later you will convince yourself of that false belief.

Please don't lie to yourself.

YOU are LOVABLE!!!!

VERY LOVABLE!!!! :lubdub :lubdub

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[White Fairy]

Deepwaters

Great point :yay we do create our own realities - it is how we think about this world that decides whether we have good experiences or bad ones. Now before anyone jumps on me - I know that awful things can happen that feel out of our control - but....

I'll give an example - have you ever woke up one morning and felt really depressed and down on you - well what happened that day...... I know that when I feel like this - I attract negativity in to my life - but if I wake up on another day and feel good and open to all possibilities and people - then that day tends to go well and even if something happens on that day - it doesn't really upset me, I can brush it off - but when I feel bad the smallest thing can have me in tears - so yeah I firmly believe that we create our own realities.

Geezer - you are lovable - but it is only when you believe this yourself that you will attract the right guy in to your life. :challenge

Love you guys

Siobhan xxxxxxxxxxx

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug :gimmehug
:gimmehug