New and confused

[juliejoliefleure]

Hello everybody,

This is the first time I've made a posting and I think I'm just starting to realise (or admit the possibility?) that I might have an ED and it's feeling pretty scary. I've been relatively overweight for about ten years now (and since I was eleven). My weight's always bothered me since then and I've wanted to lose it so badly. I even decided a couple of times that I would "try out" anorexia by fasting for periods of time but I found that I just got too dizzy and my blood sugar got too low, so I just ended up eating more later 'cause I was hungry. I think I've had bulimic tendencies for quite awhile but consider myself a sort of "failed bulimic," oxymoron as that may be, because many times I'd decide I'd eaten way to much after a binge and wanted to purge, but just couldn't get it to work! Just ended up coughing a lot. Sometimes I binge and purge by chewing and spitting out again. Thank goodness this website warns so strongly against a certain syrup starting with "i" because I was seriously considering going to get some this week and trying it out. I'm thinking of using other means now but I dunno...

Anyway, I answered "yes" to almost all the questions on the Something's Fishy questionnaire and am quite upset about that. I think that was the first time I actually saw good evidence thatI couldn't ignore that I have a serious problem. I know I really should get help but I don't know what to do about that. I'm a university student and can't really afford to get therapy on my own and the university services are absolutely useless and if anything make you worse, which I know from previous experience related to seeking help for other problems and from friends with EDs who tried to seek health from the university doctors, counsellors and psychiatrists and ED unit. I'm not sure what to do! Does anybody have any ideas? My biggest problem is being secretive - I would never tell a soul about any of this, not even my best friend and DEFINITELY NEVER MY FAMILY! But I know that that's not a good formula for recovery...

Heavens this posting has gotten long. Thank-you so much to anybody who actually read it! I hope that I will be able to contribute to this special online support community as I get more accustomed to it.

Best wishes,

"Julie"

[elodie]

Hiya,

I used to be like you, consider myself a "failed bulimic" because I couldn't purge...I remember when I first went to counselling at my uni (which I totally recommend - :challenge maybe you should try it out before you dismiss it?) I told this to my counsellor and she was like "just be SO GRATEFUL to your body for protecting you from all the awful consequences of vomiting".

At the time, I had difficulty seeing it that way. But now i'm more recovered, I totally agree with her. I'm going to pull a quote off another post: This was posted in the bulimia forum by :hugon Grace-Erin :hugoff I hope you don't mind me copying this here sweetie but I see so much of myself in this post so I wanted to warn julie!!

Grace-Erin
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Chelseacat

Ok, hon I won't sugar coat it. It doesn't matter if you are purging once a day or ten times a day, the effect on your body is the same, and it ain't good. We actually lost a girl in one of my support groups who was bulimic. Her heart stopped in her sleep. I think it was a wake up call to everyone.

Here are the symptoms I had.

I went from purging few times to many times daily, but even when the purging was minimal my electrolytes were off, which is bad news for the heart and nervous system. Electrolyte imbalances can trigger many heart problems including irregular heartbeat and cardiac arrest, and, on the nervous system side, seizures. I had weird cravings because of the imbalance. My magnesium level was really low and I actually craved CHALK! And, I am ashamed to admit I ate some. At least it was non-toxic. Also, don't forget the bloating from water retention.

My skin was flaky, the corners of my mouth cracked and bleeding. After a while my hair began falling out. (thank god I have a lot of hair or I would've been bald!) I had inflamed gums, gums receeded pretty badly. Oh, and I almost forgot the microhemmorhages all over my face (particularly around my eyes, nose and cheeks). And the really bad looking obvious symptom were the times the retching was so intense that I literally bled INTO the whites of my eyes. There were also many times that I would vomit up stuff into my nose, leading to bad swelling of the inside lining (pretty painful) and a few infections.

Stomach was wrecked. Thanks to the purging and the coffee addiction I had, let's just say my stomach was constantly on fire and I wouldn't be surprised if there was an ulceration. It also stopped digesting food after a while. I guess my tummy figured if I was going to throw it up anyway, why waste the energy tossing around the food, right? I discovered this upon purging breakfast one morning when I saw the previous day's dinner in the toilet seemingly untouched by my stomach juices. Pretty gross huh? I began vomiting on my own just seeing that! Burns to the esophagus and constant reflux were pretty uncomfortable too.

The really bad stuff, like cardiac arrest, esophagus and stomach rupture happen without warning and there's really nothing anyone can do to save you, unless you've got a defibrillator or a team of surgeons ready right where you are with blood to transfuse you and the tools to stop the internal bleeding.

You said to scare you with the truth, and I hope it worked. Purging is dangerous and the next time you do it, could be your last! Take care!

So yeah, purging is AWFUL for your health...please just accept that your body is protecting you - some people's bodies just won't let them purge as easily as others, but it's something to be grateful for!!!

[newchange]

Hi!

I don't know where your from or what your situation is, butI'm at a University also & the Counseling Center there has helped me a great deal. It is a pretty well established and well run program at my school, but maybe you could check into yours a little more??
Your friends experiences could be very different from your own
Also...I am still allowed to use my mothers insurance plan b/c I'm still in school....if that doesn't work for you, I have heard of therapists that will work with people on the bills---and hospitals or counseling centers that run free or very cheap support groups. Those could at least be a start.

hope this helps a little : )

[juliejoliefleure]

Thank-you so much for the replies and support. I promise I will continue to at least think about trying the university counsellings services to work through this, but seriously, it's not a good scene here. Every single person who goes to the university health center to address an eating disorder must first make an appointment with the head nurse, who is one scary and unsympathetic woman. She runs blood tests on you and then refers you to a nutritionist (I've already been to one) and then offers you contact with the woman in charge of eating disorders at the mental health center, but I've already met her last year to talk to her about a friend of mine and she is one creepy, judgmental woman. I'll think about trying to get over my embarassment though and maybe look into some support programs offered that might be offered at the hospital. I think one thing that's holding me back a bit though, other than my embarassment, is that I don't know if I'd be taken seriously because I'm definitely not anorexic and I don't know if I'd qualify as a true bulimic or not - I only c/s very rarely and haven't actually purged...I do try once in a while but I can never get it to work, heheh. I dunno - what do you guys think? Am I being irrational and just in denial? I would appreciate your objectivity. Thank-you again so much for your support!

- "Julie"

[La]

Hey -

I would recommend going to the university health services, because even if they are not helpful, most university health places have pretty comprehensive lists of resources in the area including doctors with sliding scales (where you pay what you are able to pay). Also, if it's the way they deal with new ed patients that bothers you, have you considered trying to get counseling directly through the school, instead of going through the ed intake? There are all SORTS of reasons that people get counseling and you often don't need to reveal why you want it before you're there. And as to whether or not you have a problem: well, you found your way here, and people without problems don't genereally browse ed sites. While you may not tidily fit a diagnosis, you're describing unhealthy behaviors. Now is the time to do something - research has shown that people have a much better shot at full recovery if they get help before the behaviors have completely escalated.

good luck getting the help you need!

[Aliceinwonderland]

Well....I am happy that you were unable to purge (not to sound mean.....I mean it in a good way). It is not a club you want to be in, because it gets to a point stuff doesn't really stay down if you want it too or not...ya know? I think it is so great you acknowleged that you have a serious problem that needs addressing. I would check out the university services....but if not, do u have insurance, because with insurance seeing a T isn't usually too expensive? About not telling your fam, I hear you on that.....I would never talk to my fam. but maybe your best friends.....especially ones with ed's would understand...? U know your friends though, and of course I dont so it is totally your call (well obviously I suppose, lol). Anyways I commend you for trying to figure stuff out...I suggest not trying to purge anymore, because eventually it might and you don't want that to happen. Good luck sweetie, you deserve health and happiness!