loving too much

[razzledazzle]

i know that i have written about this sort of frustration before. i constantly feel like i need to numb my raging emotions. i feel like i "feel" too much. i feel like other people arent as nearly as emotional. maybe i am not giving people enough credit ...i dont know. but this feeling of being too emotional and having too much inside of me makes me feel very alone.

i hide it very well. i appear cool, calm and laid back to the world when really my mind is on overdrive and my feelings constantly confused.

i would love to share my feelings, especially in relationships and friendships, but i am scared. i am constantly skeptical that i will get in return anything near to what i give and will just remain empty forever. i am constantly afraid to say "i love you" because i dont want to hear the response on the other end. i dont know who could love me.

so where is all this coming from? well i am a heterosexual female. though i admire the beauty of females i have always been strongly attracted to males. this past weekend i had a homosexual encounter with a best friend. she feels strongly for me as i do for her but i never imagined us actually being together. i am highly confused and frustrated with myself. i dont know who to talk to and i can feel my emotions starting to spin. i dont want to end up in a downward spiral of b/p. i want to deal with this in the right way. i cant quite figure out what that is. i feel like i should go back up to NY and spend more time with her to know. but,on the other hand, i am leaving to study abroad in **** weeks and maybe i should just put the moment away and hide it until i need to confront it later. that might be hard though. i cant stop thinking about it.

i cant believe i just shared this. i better post it before i wimp out. i hope you have some words of wisdom for me.

:fishjump

:love
RAZZ

[SandyClaws]

Hey Razz,

We all have feelings, unfortunately some can't confront those. I had that problem with feeling numb all the time. You on the other hand have emotions and choose to hide them. No offense to you, but that isn't very wise. If you show anger or love or affection--anything, it's not unusual. Your covering of everything will just lead to more b/p in the end. About your friend though, obviously she was attracted to you in a way you didn't like. Just talk to her about how it was uncomftorable and that you still want to remain friends, not a couple. If she is a true friend she'll understand and stay with you. But, if she leaves you hanging with no reasoning, your better off with out her. Remember you can always appriciate beauty of others but the real beauty will be in yourself.

Sandy Claws

[titian]

Dearest Razz,
I understand how you feel about having a lot of emotiona but having to hide it. I don't think you underestimate the capacity of others to feel. I think it's more the case that when we are unhappy we feel a lot. People often say things like 'I have so many feelings' or 'it feels so much' when they are feeling bad rather than when they are feeling good. I think we feel stuffed full of emotion when those feelings are harder to manage and live through. When we are happy, we experience just as much emotion but don't feel as though we have to cope with, endure or deal with those emotions. Consequently, we don't feel as full up with them, and we don't feel like we are drowning in them. Confusion can also make us feel full of emotion - we don't know what to feel and tend to feel lots of different things in turn, or all at once.

You are not alone. We all feel the need to be understood. And it seems to the case that we need people to understand our sadness much more than our happiness. We notice that we aren't understood when we are unhappy.

It is very scary to share our true feelings with others, especially when we are afraid of their reaction to those feelings. Will they see me differently once they
know what is going on inside? They like my cool and calm persona, but will they still love me, when they see the whole me? And saying I love you is always a risk. Life is full of risks. I think we need to ask ourselves, what really do I have to lose? If I truly love someone, I want them to love me back of course. If I tell them, and
it turns out they feel the same, then that's great. If it turns out they don't feel the same, then I will feel very hurt, but it is probably better to hurt now than later. Also, the not knowing can be a stick with which to beat yourself. I think this applies to
all kinds of love, though that between 'lovers' (only word I could find!) tends to have the most potential to hurt us. We invest so much in these relationships, and take rejection so personally.

I think you said before that you do journalling? Do you share you feelings with your journal? If there is someone you would like to share you feelings with you might like to show thme some of your writing. It can help break the ice. Personally, I find it very hard to start a conversation about how I feel. I feel very awkward, don't know where to start, start to dismiss things as daft before I've even said them.

Now to the relationship with your friend. I didn't understand what you said in the way Sandyclaws did. I understood that she is a close personal friend already and that care about each other very much over and above any sexual attraction. I understood that she
initiated some contact which indicated she felt more than just strong friendship and that
you don't know whether you feel that as well or not. Sweetheart, only you can know that of course but here a a couple of things I thought. Your confusion may be because the love she has offered is something you very much need and want but you aren't really attracted to her. It is normal to want to accept what we want and need even if it isn't from the 'right' person. Or it maybe be
that you genuinely are attracted to her but having been hetero so far this is bound to cause confusion. My own view (I am hetero, for perspective) is that sexuality is not the series of mutually exclusive categories that we are led to believe it is. I think it is much more of a continuum. For some people it is the person themselves, rather than their gender which really determines sexual attraction. Others lie very much at one end of the continuum.
What I would like to emphasise is that we are never compelled to act, or make a decision. If you don't know how you feel about your friend, then you do not have to do anything. You do not have to decide. The answer will come to you over time. Also what we chose to do one day does not have to determine what we do later.

Don't be afraid to feel confused. It is perfectly ok and you should not reproach yourself in anyway for
not knowing what you think. Is there someone you could talk this over with? A therapist maybe? They might be able to help you understand whether it is the person, or the love they are offering that you want.

Finally, I want to say 'Well done' for sharing you feelings here!
You're right, it isn't easy, but you took that risk. I'm proud of you!

much :love

e

[purple_tao]

:hugon Razz :hugoff
....the dazzling one....

Wow, I'm not sure what I can add after those two great responses!!!

That you are even AWARE of all these emotions is a wonderful thing; it proves you aren't "dead". I've numbed mine so long, sometimes I don't feel that I feel. I've stuffed them down so far it's gonna take a crowbar to haul them back out. Scary.... and sad.

From reading posts on these boards, we ED-sufferer's are on either side of this emotional see-saw. We either have way too many emotions, thus causing us to be all flustered about them, or (like myself) we have just numbed our self to the point of emotional blackout. We need to find that common ground, that center. AND DEAL WITH OUR EMOTIONS!!! Numbing them or pushing them aside gets us nowhere, right? I say this out of experience. I'm struggling with this RIGHT NOW as I type. I have a lot of emotional issues I really need to deal with; to stop cramming them down to my toes :ugh

It's human nature to be scared of how others are going to react to our feelings (emotions). Do we stick our neck out yet again only to have it lopped off? And because we carry our low self-esteem around under the title "ED", it makes us that much more sensitive. Oh, we're a confused bunch... I think we need to start learning that what we say and do DOES count (there was a thread on this a little while back). Learn to voice your emotions. I believe whether good or bad, the emotion will surface somehow. Our job is to get it out in the most productive, positive manner.

If time doesn't allow you to physically visit your friend, then at least call her and tell her your feelings. Be sure to REALLY say the things you've been feeling and experiencing.

Who could love you? That's pretty sad, Razz. You know that answer :sarcasm !! You know we here at the :bowl love you, but if you're speaking of a relationship with another person--they'd be a fool NOT to have you! You're smart, funny, articulate, caring...etc...etc... Each of us is worthy of the best love that's out there. Just remember that.

Make it a super day, my dazzling :fishy friend :love

:peace

[AngelFishy]

:hugon Hi Razzle :hugoff

Wow, what a post, and what awesome replies of support you got from the other :fishy 'ies.

:sun First of all, lots of us EDs are strongly emotional, that's not bad, just different. I feel sometimes like an emotional hemophilliac -- like I can't "clot" when I need to stop the feelings and I either rage out of proportion to the incident, or I'm despondent over a perceived abandonment, etc. Don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe that's just the way you're wirds.

:sun Secondly, the encounter with your friend. If it feels right to you and you want to explore it more, talk to her about it honestly and see where it goes from there. You don't suddenly have to jump ship and change your whole life if you want to spend some time exploring a relationship with her.

:sun Sorry I don't have any brilliant words of wisdom! Just take care and be good to you. Spinning out of control with your ED is just another way to run from these strong feelings you've got going on right now.

Please hang in there and keep us posted.

[gladi]

Hi Razzle :bounce

How cool is it that you are going to Africa? :cool !!

It is a tough transition to make, learning how to endure intense moods rather then control them (or try to :ugh ) by b/p. After all, this is what makes b/p so tempting-
it does offer a temporary relief, a momentary sense of control.
But you know, I think having relied on this eating disorder to numb out as well, anytime now that a strong feeling breaks through in me I feel overwhelmed. It is like after limiting food intake- EVERYTHING feels like a binge, even "normal" healthy amounts. Your perception of normal needs to re-adjust. Same with feelings.
When I begin to react to something, it is like an alarm system going off the impulse is to find the way to silence them all. I tend to judge the feelings, fearing them before I even know what they are about. :scared Unfortunatley, I have found fearing something so much about yourself inside greatly intensifies the need for love/approval from the outside world. This is my biggest conflict right now- that undefinable "craving" , a need that I know deep down could not really be satisified externally.
It makes sense to me that you would have many fears about sharing your feelings with oothers if you, your self, are fearful of them. Not judging the rising reactions inside, not panicking at the feelings-this is the hardest thing to do- to not automatically judge and run. But it is necessary and possible.
I think as the feelings inside realize that they will be heard, and not numbed out - they will stop being so LOUD and scary to us. Remember too that EVERYBODY has so much more going on inside them than can be seen from the outside, Don't be deceived!
The expereince with your friend was just that- an experience. I would not be too scared about what you conventional definitions of sexuality. Real connections and relationships that exist between people defy definitions. When I was in college the lines between people were constantly being blurred- I think you live in such
close proximity to one another, and share such intimacy it is natural. Your openness in examining both your atttraction and fears in the situation is such a mature and
compassionate position to assume. You will work it out, and no one encounter or relationship has the power to define you- there are many many parts to you, and why not explore then if you are comfortable doing so?
You are a kick ass :kick :fishy !

Take care- And did I mention how cool it is that you are going to study in Africa? :cute
:fishy gladi