Stuck

[sugar]

Hey :fishy 's

Do you ever feel just completely stuck? I hate this feeling so much. One day after the other it's the same thing. I wish I could believe in myself enough to know I don't have to weigh x amount to live my life....

I think it's so bad right now because I have gained weight for the first time in a LONG time. I hate that my clothes don't fit as right. I hate that I didn't gain the weight because I "recovered" --my behaviors are actually worse than ever.

I keep looking back at pictures of me from last summer and I wan't to be her again. Why do I think like this, I mean I am "her" I didn't change but I feel like there's a thin Megan and a fat Megan who are seperate people. I hate the way I look right now. Every day just gets worse and worse. Gosh, am I just that stuck on myself? AGHHHHH!!! Did I mention that I hate this. It's so weird too because I can remember thinking I looked fat on the days those pictures were taken. It just goes to show that I can never be thin enough to please myself. I need to surrender to my body and just be me. I hate trying to be someone else, why can't I just be me...?

I wish I didn't keep using the word "hate" I'm not a hateful person but I HATE this sickness...as I'm sure some of you can relate.

On a more positive note, I finally called a T to set up an appt. soon. I just can't take this anymore. I hope that the rest of you :fishy 's are having a good day. ---You all deserve so much more than this crazy sickness... :love

[*star]

:hugonsugar:hugoff
err i get the same feeling :ugh.. why cant i be at the size i was before i started recovering? ahh gaining weight drives me crazy! its also one of the things we need to accept going through recovery. so we gain weight, then what? its not a bad thing, we're still alive right? its TOUGH but hang in there, sugar!! :hugon:hugoff and :kiss

[cemmhs]

:hugon megan :hugoff
Your post made me want to cry! I have not been posting very much because I think I have been stuck in denial/ wanting recovery.
It kills me to see pictures of myself a year ago! I know that I was too thin...but for some strange reason, I felt great and I didn't have an ed!!!
You know what is even more painful? Seeing pictures of yourself when you know you have an ed. I model and I can't even stand to look at a picture of myself, because the first thing I think is " I wonder how much better i would look without an ed?" I cry when I see swollen cheeks and I feel like I am not really looking at myself.
You are not really yourself...understand that. Having an ed takes away your identity in many ways. I just want to break free and it is slow (I am an inpatient person). I want to wake up tomorrow and be the person that I once was.
It will happen again, but not by purging and not by denying my illness
Keep fighting! You will be yourself again!!
:turtle clair

[titian]

:hugon megan :hugoff
Yep, that's it, whay can't we just love ourselves for who we are not what we weigh/look like?

our twisted self image is at the root of our ed

Well done for the therapy appt!

I hope they will help you learn to love yourself.

Have a go at some of the things in the recovery aquarium too!

much :love

[purple_tao]

:love Sugar (Megan) :love
..........um....licking my lips...sugar...making me hungry... :sarcasm !!...

Yes, why are we so stuck on DAMN NUMBERS!!! I must ask myself this a gazillion times a day. I AM NOT A NUMBER: I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Repeat mantra as often as necessary...

My T says that our weight will eventually stabilize once we get the b/p under control. It's a tough wave to ride out, eh?

The main issue here is to NOT place our value on the scale (or the tape measure, or how tight our clothes have gotten, etc.) The change we have on the inside is much more important.

You sound like me: I couldn't take this damn bulimia anymore so I finally cracked and got myself a T. Oh, sugar, it does WORLDS of good!!! She (or he) will help you to learn about YOURSELF. You will learn that you are NOT A NUMBER. Sad, we live in a society that places emphasis on that, but that is THEIR problem, not ours.

I'm sure you're not a "hateful" person (I haven't met anyone here yet that fills those shoes). But there is nothing wrong with hating something so evil, so deadly, so twisted....blah blah blah.......keep filing in the line with negative adjectives........)
:reallymad I HATE MY ED :reallymad Yes, get mad! Get really mad at your ED. That way you'll gain the strength to beat it!!!

If all it's going to take to please you is your "thiness", then you'll never truly be happy. You'll never achieve that goal. Check out the A board--they'll tell you that. Peace and happiness comes from within.

(now, I'm going to go back and read this and try to pound all this good schtuff into my OWN head :sarcasm !!)

BTW, I've never talked with you, so a GIANT HELLO to you, Megan. Love that name, it's my daughter's middle name :supergrin.

Good luck on your peace and happiness journey !!

:peace

[sugar]

Wow, It was soooo nice to wake up to all of your thoughtful replies!!! :love

:hugon *star :hugoff Thank you, you are so right---we are alive, and that is far more important than being thin.

:hugon Cemmhs :hugoff Please keep fighting! We WILL be able to be ourselves again...

:hugon titian :hugoff Thank You. I'm both nervous and hopeful about therapy, thanks for your kind words.

:hugon Purple_tao :hugoff Oops, maybe I should put a :trigger sign by my screen name (sugar) :winky Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply...I'm sending a big giant hello rght back to ya! You are right---it is OK to HATE when it comes to our ED's.

:stars I hope you all have a wonderful day! I'm off to my summer school class now. :bounce

:love , Megan